anger into writing

Well, after missing last nights appointment I had a bug to check his phone and sure enough he's got a secret email address. I am now officially done!

thankful

My Precious

thankful

I am thankful that I have a boat to take refuge in while my marriage falls apart.

PISSED OFF!

Well, its after 6 and he's not home nor did he reschedule our appointment. He's known about this for a month. There is no excuse for this.

upset

Write down what upsets you...

Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.

activity log 6/28/2010

9:10 starting log, checking schedule

9:15 take a bath

thankful

Unemployment checks.

6/27/10

Woke up a few times, but finally got up a little after 8. I got dressed for church and rebooted the laundry. Handsome was making biscuits and gravy. Perfect. Skipped it and off I went. Today I was taking communion for the 1st time in years. I kept praying it wouldn't kill me. I decided to go to the mission church. On the drive down, I listened to Catholic mass. "I guess this can sub for missing Orthros today," I thought. It was a nice service and God didn't strike me down for approaching him unworthy. I want so much to be healed. Then I went to the boat and I'm reading The Art of Prayer from Igumen Chariton of Valamo after reading a little booklet about prayer. I'm still on the intro. We stopped and went to Chronic. He's been hanging pictures and working on little projects. I have a bit of a sense of peace. I need to remember that I need God.

thoughts

Perhaps I've been looking @ this all from the wrong angle. We keep looking at how he can make me happy, trust him, turn me on, generally all about me. But I've never tried to leave this relationship. I've never threatened divorce or had an affair. I am much easier to satisfy than he thinks. I have loved him despite his flaws. No more than that, I have loved his flaws. The question is not can he make me love and trust him again, but has he ever really loved and trusted me? And can he ever? He deserves to be with someone who sets his soul on fire, who consumes him so much that there is no room for another. If I don't ignite passion in him, no flames just as who I am, then I am the wrong girl for him. He is wasting time with me, settling. I know that his unhappiness comes from inside him and I am not to blame for it, but happiness and love should not be so much work. If it's right, it should be a natural occurence. Not easy, but natural.

upset

I remember a night when he didn't answer his texts or cell phone. He accuses me of ignoring his calls because that's exactly what he does, ignore my calls. He was late, really late from work. I called his work and he had left on time. I called, texted, no answer. I even went out driving to look for him in case he had pulled over with an insulin reaction or something. He eventually called me while I was driving around the city looking for him, about to call the hospitals.

4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.

6/25/10

Woke up @ 7:30 this morning to take the Jeep in for an oil change. Handsome was in the shower. When he got out, I went up to remind him where I was going since he never remembers what I tell him. He was shaving. I told him to lay out what he wanted for the boat this weekend so he could come down right after work. He informed me he's not coming to the boat. You see, I went to a friend's house last night for the hot tub, some vodka, and some girl talk. I texted him where I was going but he still called. . . 16 times and my friend! I didn't answer. We were busy. So now he's pissed and he's going to punish himself by not going to the raft up. He's not texting or calling me, but that could just be a normal day. He only communicates with sluts and perverts with any frequency and I'm not either. Jeep needs rear brakes. Got the internet to work in the harbor but not on the boat. Gotta walk over the bridge.

good things in life and me

I am strong.

thankful

Precious found a job. Shes making coffee.

channel anger into writing

Chore @ 8 am this morning was to be in the now. Ive done pretty good with shaking off the few thoughts ive had today. Right now im hanging on a sunsoaked cockpit listening to 80s music all by myself with a fridge full of healthy food. Whats to be angry about?

6/23/2010

Haven't done much today. Handsome and I had a tiny little conversation about how he convince me to fall in love with him again. Why can't I resist his cute face?

Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.

Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.

Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.


Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.

In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42

upset

write about what makes me upset. For today is just about today, so nothing has upset me today. Nothing to write.

thankful

thankful for summer!

channel anger into writing

I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.

activity log 6/22/2010

2:20 pm checking calendar

Talked with Tracy.

Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.

6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!

6:26 multivitamin

Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.

6/22/2010

Woke up around 8:00 am. lazy day today. Haven't done very much at all. Spent lots of time looking for a job in casting. I am really hungry for my handsome and yet I don't want him either. He doesn't need me. Of course not. All that time that he was screwing around and we weren't having sex, I was the only one not having sex. He hasn't been denied anything of his desires.

If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.

I've just been rejected too much to get over.

Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......