activity log 1/7/2011

7:15 drive to work and work. Listened to Mother Angelica on the way to work. Busy day.

12:35- Called DDESS, returning message about how to get a job in Puerto Rico. Left message.

accepting fears

Trust is no longer second nature, it is a conscious choice that I have to make. I am afraid I will not always have the strength to choose it.

one thing good...

I am a pretty girl.

I got to kiss my Handsome at midnight.

thankful for...

Found myself quoting "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me" this morning. As horrendous as this experience has been, it has brought me closer to God and I suppose that for that I am thankful.

Still don't know what upset Handsome on Tuesday.

12/30/2010

I've done little to nothing today. Shaved my legs. That's about it. Last day I get to relax.

accept your fears

I am afraid that he will never love me for who I am. He is always going to be angry with me for very petty things. I accept that and will live my life to the best of my ability. I cannot spend my life trying to please him. I've tried that and it only made us both miserable. He can be miserable alone.

I am afraid we will never be happy.

Stress journal

Driving on old tires.

negative thoughts

I am having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It is hard to celebrate the birth of Christ alone. No one around me wants to have anything to do with Jesus and I feel alone.

anger

why are there so many horror movies?

anyway, not really angry, just jealous. I still think it sucks that he spent hours and hours texting and e-mailing sluts and I get nothing. Oh well, can't get everything I want. I'll get everything God wants.

afraid

I am still afraid that he will never find me desirable again. He gave all his passion, and mine, too, to strangers and sluts and has nothing left for me. I know he loves me, but will he ever want me again?

12/19/2010

Today is just another day. Missed church 'cause I wasn't feeling well and overslept. It's raining, but it's kinda nice. Sitting by the fireplace watching movie previews, baking a pizza, trying to chase this cold away before it gets worse. On vacation for a couple of weeks with no money, but happy. Not much to share.

Handsome is tiling the new counter in the laundry. It looks really good. Corny metaphor but he's rebuilding both our physical and our metaphorical homes.

angry

So we have a new set of neighbors next door with an infant. Not the first neighbor with a baby and not the first neighbor to have to deal with our remodeling project. But they seem to think that the world revolves around their baby's nap time. Several, several times, my Handsome has stopped working in the middle of project for their precious child's sacred nap time. This is an unusual trait for him, but I was proud of him for doing it.

Then as the floor project was coming up, I told him he needed to discuss the fact that we were not going to be able to stop during the nap time in order to complete the project. We only asked for one weekend to get this done. They told him it wouldn't be a problem.

Then construction time comes and she comes out and has a flipping fit. Like a little girls temper tantrum. We had given them a month's notice and they had acknowledged that it was fine. Handsome handled it really well.

Okay, so that's just a little annoying. I gave them the benefit of the doubt with the stress of finals and bar exams and defended them.

Then we receive a notice in the mail from the association. There's one thing being a bad neighbor, but it's an entirely different taking steps that you believe will cause financial harm to another person. It's a good thing they are both going to be lawyers because they have the ethics that go with it. They are ruthless and cruel.

This may be their home for now, but this is my home, too. The only one I will ever have, unless some miracle is to occur. I am trying to be Christian about this, but I have to admit that I am very upset. I find myself wishing bad things on them, like not being able to find a job.

But that's not right. I pray that God's will come in their lives, and I hope that he chooses to bless them for the baby's sake.

afraid

What am I still afraid of? I am afraid that I will stop taking my medication and still be crazy. I afraid of the flood of despair returning.

afraid

I am afraid that I will forget my new found appreciation of life and start taking things for granted again.

12/12/2010

Just hangin around in the house while Handsome puts some finishing touches on the bathroom counter. He's done a really good job. Sometime I will be able to put some pictures online. Watching "GoldenEye". Feeling good. Enjoying the day. Not really upset about anything today.

afraid

Still afraid of living a lie.

write down what upsets you

Nothing. Today I am upset about nothing. Spent the morning laughing with good friends and I am happy. Nice to report!

write down what upsets you

Telling someone what you plan to do far in advance so that they can plan around it and then having them intentionally get in the middle of what you are trying to get done.

write down what upsets you

There was once a time in my life where it was obvious that I believed in Love, in Truth, in God. Over time, I have taken on the anger and depression of those around me, absorbed it into my being until it became a part of me. I don't know why I allowed that to happen, but I did. It has permeated my entire being. I am trying to purge it, but is such a slow process.

write down what upsets you

I don't have much to say at this moment that I am upset about. Church was amazing this morning. It's interesting that just when I decided to try to start a relationship with our assistant priest, I learn that he is leaving. I am happy for him. I hope he enjoys having his own parish and that he is a blessing to God's church. I am interested to get to know the new assistant priest.

I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.

Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.

The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.

I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.