Woke up this morning actually feeling a little normal, but this quickly gave way. Why couldn't he have loved me this way all the time? Is this real? Or is he just acting? Got dressed and ran off to work with the top open on the Jeep. It is such a great feeling to have the sun on my face! I spent some time praying last night. I figure that I am not going to keep my sanity if I don't start having God more in my life. I would like to have a different topic of conversation and thought at some point in my life. I am tired of hurting all the time. Mom says I have to give it time, that I'm grieving the loss of what I thought our marriage was. It's just already been five years of deceit and I just can't seem to let it go in such a short time.
The kids were okay today. Talent show and only two days left of summer school. Just have the one that insists on sleeping. I don't know if he is acting or if his family is really dropping the ball on making sure he sleeps enough.
Workout was good. 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. Helps with the brain function. We had fun just being silly and talking. L. is a very good friend and I am glad to have found her. And she doesn't get seem to get tired of my incessant rantings about my adulterous handsome. She has been a great support and I have needed her.
Had some time for lunch and went online looking for a chat site where maybe I could talk with someone who understands my husband's point a view a little better. Found his beautiful mug on yet another web site. I wasn't surprised, but it just shows the extent of how much time he spent looking for someone else to fill his void.
Time with my student was good. Only one more day with him. He has his MRI tomorrow to see if they can take the stint out and the cancer is gone. I pray that he is truly in remission and that him and his mother can relax a little and enjoy their lives. I suppose in light of a dying child, my pulverized heart is minimal. I have everything I need, just not everything I want.
Talked with my brother and he told me he had a vision of me enveloped in a black cloud with my handsome fading. That seems to be pretty much reflective of our situation right now. It was good talking to him. My baby brother seems to have gathered a great deal of wisdom in his ministry. He kindly informed me that he is not going to allow me to give up on my marriage. That he doesn't believe that God wants divorce and even though he allows for it that it is not in his will. So I have to work on healing. I need to take the mindset that I am not leaving and do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Part of that is that I need to just realize that I am never really going to know what happened until I am dead and all is revealed. The other is that I absolutely HAVE to focus more of my energy on God. He is the only one who can heal my heart and he is the only one that I can truly trust. I can't even trust myself.
It is just going to be hard to learn to trust anything again after being so stupid and gullible for so very, very long. I don't trust him, or myself.
Time to make dinner... and spend some time with my handsome.
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