So I am still struggling. Some of the facts and his explanations just don't make sense. I feel as though I am put in a place where I lose no matter what. In one way, I lose my life and everything I have grown to enjoy. On the other hand, I have to live with lies and secrets when honesty is the thing that I have always valued the most in my life. I would end up losing myself. I guess when I put it that way, it is better to lose my life than myself, but am I really prepared for the consequences of such a decision. We go to see the counselor on Thursday and I am hopeful that he will help me to see if I am crazy or if my husband is just a big fat liar. At this point, I don't think that I will ever be able to trust him or believe him. I have given him so very many chances to be true and if he still can't do it, we just might be done. I really don't think that I can live with secrets. Then I get so confused. I love spending time with him and being with him. But I constantly question whether it is real and how long it can last. What happens when the guilt wears off? Then what?
I've learned that I have a hard time getting angry because I don't like being out of control of myself and I feel out of control when I get mad. So instead I just stop feeling, which is in actuality a lack of control. I give up what I want and submit to everyone else's opinion and desires.
I need some time alone.
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