2/21/10

Today, I start my experiment, logging everything. Starting by establishing a baseline over the next month. I am tired of feeling like this. Whether it be OCD, PMDD, or just plain depression, I want it to go away.

9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.

10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.

That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.

11:20
Write to Precious

11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer

Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log