anger into writing

Well, after missing last nights appointment I had a bug to check his phone and sure enough he's got a secret email address. I am now officially done!

thankful

My Precious

thankful

I am thankful that I have a boat to take refuge in while my marriage falls apart.

PISSED OFF!

Well, its after 6 and he's not home nor did he reschedule our appointment. He's known about this for a month. There is no excuse for this.

upset

Write down what upsets you...

Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.

activity log 6/28/2010

9:10 starting log, checking schedule

9:15 take a bath

thankful

Unemployment checks.

6/27/10

Woke up a few times, but finally got up a little after 8. I got dressed for church and rebooted the laundry. Handsome was making biscuits and gravy. Perfect. Skipped it and off I went. Today I was taking communion for the 1st time in years. I kept praying it wouldn't kill me. I decided to go to the mission church. On the drive down, I listened to Catholic mass. "I guess this can sub for missing Orthros today," I thought. It was a nice service and God didn't strike me down for approaching him unworthy. I want so much to be healed. Then I went to the boat and I'm reading The Art of Prayer from Igumen Chariton of Valamo after reading a little booklet about prayer. I'm still on the intro. We stopped and went to Chronic. He's been hanging pictures and working on little projects. I have a bit of a sense of peace. I need to remember that I need God.

thoughts

Perhaps I've been looking @ this all from the wrong angle. We keep looking at how he can make me happy, trust him, turn me on, generally all about me. But I've never tried to leave this relationship. I've never threatened divorce or had an affair. I am much easier to satisfy than he thinks. I have loved him despite his flaws. No more than that, I have loved his flaws. The question is not can he make me love and trust him again, but has he ever really loved and trusted me? And can he ever? He deserves to be with someone who sets his soul on fire, who consumes him so much that there is no room for another. If I don't ignite passion in him, no flames just as who I am, then I am the wrong girl for him. He is wasting time with me, settling. I know that his unhappiness comes from inside him and I am not to blame for it, but happiness and love should not be so much work. If it's right, it should be a natural occurence. Not easy, but natural.

upset

I remember a night when he didn't answer his texts or cell phone. He accuses me of ignoring his calls because that's exactly what he does, ignore my calls. He was late, really late from work. I called his work and he had left on time. I called, texted, no answer. I even went out driving to look for him in case he had pulled over with an insulin reaction or something. He eventually called me while I was driving around the city looking for him, about to call the hospitals.

4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.

6/25/10

Woke up @ 7:30 this morning to take the Jeep in for an oil change. Handsome was in the shower. When he got out, I went up to remind him where I was going since he never remembers what I tell him. He was shaving. I told him to lay out what he wanted for the boat this weekend so he could come down right after work. He informed me he's not coming to the boat. You see, I went to a friend's house last night for the hot tub, some vodka, and some girl talk. I texted him where I was going but he still called. . . 16 times and my friend! I didn't answer. We were busy. So now he's pissed and he's going to punish himself by not going to the raft up. He's not texting or calling me, but that could just be a normal day. He only communicates with sluts and perverts with any frequency and I'm not either. Jeep needs rear brakes. Got the internet to work in the harbor but not on the boat. Gotta walk over the bridge.

good things in life and me

I am strong.

thankful

Precious found a job. Shes making coffee.

channel anger into writing

Chore @ 8 am this morning was to be in the now. Ive done pretty good with shaking off the few thoughts ive had today. Right now im hanging on a sunsoaked cockpit listening to 80s music all by myself with a fridge full of healthy food. Whats to be angry about?

6/23/2010

Haven't done much today. Handsome and I had a tiny little conversation about how he convince me to fall in love with him again. Why can't I resist his cute face?

Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.

Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.

Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.


Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.

In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42

upset

write about what makes me upset. For today is just about today, so nothing has upset me today. Nothing to write.

thankful

thankful for summer!

channel anger into writing

I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.

activity log 6/22/2010

2:20 pm checking calendar

Talked with Tracy.

Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.

6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!

6:26 multivitamin

Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.

6/22/2010

Woke up around 8:00 am. lazy day today. Haven't done very much at all. Spent lots of time looking for a job in casting. I am really hungry for my handsome and yet I don't want him either. He doesn't need me. Of course not. All that time that he was screwing around and we weren't having sex, I was the only one not having sex. He hasn't been denied anything of his desires.

If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.

I've just been rejected too much to get over.

Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......

6/21/10

Beautiful day! Summer is here. Woke up with Handsome still not feeling well so no run. Fine by me. Stayed in bed til after 9. Couldn't get in the bathroom til Precious left for work. A shower and some makeup and off to turn in apps. Went to look for internet connection then Lakeshore for a few things. Now I'm hanging on the boat trying to decide my future. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him deeply? 4 more years until I can trust him again, except that I don't believe it was only one affair. What kind of life is that for him? He's already shown that he is able to forget me and be happy with someone else. Shouldn't I give him the opportunity to be happy?

activity log 6/20/10

12:40 start log. Hanging on the boat waiting for Precious. Feeling nothing. He deserves to have someone who loves him the way I used to. This wanting to be gone feeling isn't fair to him. Check calendar.

thankful

TEQUILA!

aware of anger

He flinched when I kissed his cheek. I know he said he didn't feel well, but flinching?

activity log 6/17/2010

7:25 pm start log, flipping channels, totally relaxed and content. Handsome is working late again. Check calendar.

looked for ballet tickets

7:30 laid out clothes for tomorrow, made lunch for tomorrow at the boat with the girls. Pasta salad. I am enjoying my time by myself way too much. It really makes me question if I'm still in love. I remember when my every thought and topic of conversation was consumed with him. Ever since I've learned that he can forget me, I seem to be able to forget him, too. I don't want to date. I have never intentionally dated. I don't want to. I just want to feel butterflies again.

8:57 check calendar. Be aware of anger

9:00 Burn Notice is on. Check account balances.

9:08 check calendar

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

6/16/10 cont

stupid brain. Why does a perfectly nice day have to be destroyed with thoughts and questions that will never get answered. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't give a damn about anything. There is no life left. Only existence. Precious' notion that we cease to exist after death sounds so nice. The walk there and back took 45 minutes. I had a little bit of fun putting on the hose clamps with Handsome. He decided we should go for a sail. Wow was it stressful. But we didn't give up. Out for about 2 hours. Stuff we forgot to stow was all over. Sittin in the sun after a veggie delight. Finally relaxation.

6/16/10

2:00 PM taking the sailboat out for the 1st time since the island. It is nice & sunny, flat with just a little breeze. Red tide is in. It looks awful through polarized sunglasses. The morning started out nice. I woke up before 6am but rolled back over. Alarm went off @ 6 to start our new workout program. I was happily relieved when he told me we could walk later since he took the day off. Back to sleep cuddled up close. After a little playtime ; ). We woke up again around 8:30. Had to get breakfast but first a couple more rolls of the dice in our game. We had yummy strawberry blintzes. Vacation is not going to be good for losing weight. On the way to the harbor I had him take me to Ross to buy the hairspray I was supposed to buy a year ago. Did a little extra shopping then his sugar dropped... Dairy Queen at 10:30 in the morning. Short stop at West Marine for hose clamps for the packing box. When we got to the boat they were too big. Decided we'd walk back to West Marine. It was a nice walk except for my

thankful

10 weeks not having to report to work!

activity log 6/14/2010

7:18 pm sitting on the couch flipping channels, despairing a little. Handsome at the boat drying out the packing box. I'm happy by myself. Checking calendar.

8:45 forgot to log. I vacuumed the couch, shined the kitchen sink, put away the laundry, Handsome came home and I went to take a bath. I was glad that he came home. He touched me and it felt good. He drew me a picture of the hose clamps that need to be replaced. Sitting in his T-shirt about to check the calendar again... not wishing he would go away and leave me alone. I may never be blissful again, our marriage may never be magical, but I have moments of contentment.

8:54 Be aware of your anger. I am very in tune with the anger that I still hold inside. The only thing that seems to truly relieve this feeling is spending time with God. The funny thing is that He makes me feel better even though I hate Him for letting all this mess happen. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and yet he let my husband shred every dream I ever had into a million tiny unfixable pieces. Hence the juxtaposition of love and hate.

From "My Life in Christ” by St. John of Kronstadt (1829-1908)

(from pages 510-511)

The heavenly Father so greatly cares for me, for my life, my salvation, that He did not spare even His only-begotten Son, but sent Him into the world to suffer and die, and feeds me with His Body and Blood. Is it possible, then, that He should not care for me in less important things, and should deprive me and mine of sufficient means of subsistence? This has not happened until now, and shall not be. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God , and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” ¹ “The very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore.” ²

My life is the infinite Lord, Which Is, the Almighty; I am wholly absorbed in this life. “Who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” ³ I am ever before the face of God; I am ever in God, and He in me. Shall I put my trust in food, drink, or money, or in any man? Should I not then be blind? In truth, God is my hope. He is everything to me.

I¹St. Matthew 6:33. ²St. Matthew 10:30-31. ³Ephesians 4:6.

(From “My Life in Christ: Or Moments of Spiritual Serenity and Contemplation, or Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God: Extracts from the Diary of St. John of Kronstadt (Archpriest John Iliytch Sergieff)”. Translated, with the Author’s sanction, from the Fourth and Supplemented Edition by E.E. Goulaeff, St. Petersburg . Originally printed by Cassell and Company, Limited. London , Paris & Melbourne . 1897. Reprinted with the blessings of His Grace Laurus, Archbishop of Syracuse and Holy Trinity Monastery: Holy Trinity Monastery, Printshop of St. John of Pochaev, Jordanville , New York , U.S.A. 1984)

9:00 check the schedule again

9:03 balance checking accounts

9:10 check schedule

9:20 organize messes

anger into writing

That first night that I found out, I begged him to tell me the truth. I didn't want to spend my life not knowing where my husband was the way his first wife did. "I deserve the truth. Don't hide from me the way you did to her." Well, he did what I wished... he hid from me even more than he did from her. For her, it was a year of a job she didn't know about, unless he lied to me. For me it was a minimum of at least 3 years of fucking other people. God did he make me look like a complete idiot. Even more for staying.

6/13/10 cont

I want to have my life in the church. I want to learn to chant. If my handsome is going to continue to be a barrier to my spiritual purpose then I wish God would make him move on at this point in my life when Im already numb. Ideally Id like us to be what we were in the beginning- two people who worshipped God together. But of course thats something I want and its already well established that I dont get what I want in this life. We were designed to serve God together. Im only happy when Im close to God even if Im angry with Him for letting this shit happen in my life. I found some cream cheese fruit dip and decided to make a nice snack. Got some berries and an orange to zest. It was yummy.

6/13/10

3:00 on a Sunday afternoon. Laying on the cockpit in the sun watching the clouds blow by. Its been a good day. Woke up content in my handsome's boxers. We got up to go get him some coffee about 8:30. I didn't eat anything cause I was still hopin I could make it to church. After breakfast, we headed for the harbor. We had a good conversation about God and evolution. Jim called from OK needing a pic from his boat. We went to get more coffee. I gave in and let him buy me a chocolate croissant but didnt eat it. Then he realized he hadnt taken his shot and how now the day was ruined. I told him wed take care of the Jim pic then Id run home for his insulin. After I left him at the boat I listened to the Catholic channel all the way home and back. It was interesting as they were talking about the theory that Shakespeares writings were a reflection of his persecuted status as a Catholic in protestant England. When I got to the harbor I went by the grocery store. My morning of prayer brought me to a moment of thought.

activity log 6/12/10

9:00 PM Hanging on the boat with Handsome and C.

thankful

Beautiful day.

activity log 6/10/2010

9:00 pm Burn Notice all by myself after a nice session with the doc.. by myself too. Handsome decided to work overtime tonight.

activity log 6/8/2010

9:00 pm Watching Deadliest Catch cuddled up with my handsome.
Ate a banana and drank some water.

activity log 6/7/2010

9:00 start log, check calendar, sitting on the couch with my feet on handsome, while he flips the clicker

9:11 balance checking accounts

9:20 Check calendar. Express anger non aggressively. Can't say what I wanta say so checking schedule again.

10:00 Time for bed!

activity log 6/6/2009

9:00 start log, watching TV. Nothing On!! Cuddle with my Handsome.

9:05 balance accounts, nasty e-mail to BofA. e-mailed 24 hour fitness to cancel.

9:40 glass of water, going to bed.

6:00 am Up and at em

6:15 off to a busy day at work!

be aware of things that make you angry.

He has no desire to know what I think about. He'll listen if I make him, but he doesn't actually want to know. Just like foreplay. He'll do it if I ask, but he doesn't think of it on his own and it's totally mechanical when he does. I really am very jealous of his affairs. For them he was adventurous, experimental, played games, wore costumes, opened up parts of himself that I will never, ever know. For me, I get no passion, no desire, no connection. I realize I probably don't make it easy on him, but he's the one that made me this way, he's going to have to be the one to undo it.

He used to be obsessed with his phone, waiting with baited breath every word from a stranger. He doesn't even read the ecards I send him.

We really have never been truly a happy couple. We may be content, we may enjoy each other's company, but I don't think we will ever find magic, never bliss. We had it once, then I found out he was still a great big liar and it has never come back again.

activity log 6/1/2010

7:30 pm check work calendar
Pack exercise clothes and water bottle
2. lay out clothes for tomorrow
3. pack school bag
4. make lunch and snack
6. Put everything you need to take together in a to-go place
7. Shine sink
8. Put away any laundry
10. Fill dishwasher
wash face, brush teeth, moisturize
12. clear off hot spots: coffee table, kitchen counter, chair
13. Check calendar for family activities tomorrow
14. Turn off computer @ 10:00 pm
15. Set alarm clock

8:30 check regular calendar
8:47 Say something nice to handsome!

9:09 check calendar
9:15 balance checking accounts
9:40 check calendar
9:52 plan time
10:00 bed

thankful

I have a voice to speak with.