August 13, 2009

Do I still want to know? Of course I do! It is totally unfair that she gets to know things about my husband that he won't share with me. But as usual, I put his needs before mine. Love does not seek its own, right? But I think I've realized that you can't have God's compassion without fully being in God. Without Him, you just turn into a doormat...there's all the sacrifice with none of the serenity. I know it's unfair for me to expect God to run my life, but it doesn't seem as though I've done a real great job with it myself. He's supposed to be the expert in what is best for us, so I'd just rather Him do it. I can live as a puppet, I'll be happier.

What gets me is how depressed I get when my life really isn't so horrible. I have a good life. In perspective, my daughter's problems aren't horrible. My husband had an affair for almost four years...that's pretty bad, but it really could be so much worse. What am I complaining for. I have a house, food, car, A BOAT, a daughter who cares about me, parents that love me, and a husband who wants to make up for his mistakes in the ways that he is capable. The weather here is wonderful all the time. My heart is still working without surgery. I have so many positive things in my life, why do I dwell on the one thing that I can't have- the real, whole, unadulterated (pun not intended) truth. Maybe that was Eve's problem. She was aloud to have all but one thing, and that was what she wanted most. Is it just human nature to want what is dangled before us with a do not touch sign?

I keep reminding myself that it has only been two months since he actually ended his affairs, at least as far as evidence can show. I can't monitor everything, every moment. I need to give myself time, but I am sooooo impatient. I don't want to hurt anymore!


I discovered today that I need to sing. Artistic expression is supposed to be good for depression and that is one way that I can try to heal.

I feel like I need a vacation from my life. My daughter and husband both have had the opportunity to be completely free of responsibility, not caring how it affected the people around them. I want that, just for one month. I want to say whatever I want, not pay any bills, go wherever I want and have everyone around me just put up with it, as they've expected of me, just for a little while. Then I can just focus on healing myself. No one else is going to take care of me, so I need to take the time to do it myself.


8/14
Woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. It was the first morning I didn't wake up with some rendition of Andrea on the brain. I'd been dreaming was in charge of the entire districts' PE program and was researching the most successful way to get all kids to want to be more healthy. It was a fun dream. My handsome awoke when I got up, but it was about time to get up anyway. We're going to go test a sailboat today. I'm very excited. This boat feels like freedom and breath to me. We went for breakfast at the usual place. My heart started to flutter an palpitate, not from the excitement, just from it arrhythmia. I hate the feeling, it takes my breath away and makes me feel weak. I don't like to feel weak. After I ate, I went to the bathroom before our long drive and that song "why don't you stay" could be heard playing in the kitchen. Good mood gone.... Now I'm reminded what a stupid fool I am. I can't forgive him and I can't forgive myself for letting him do what he has done. Why am I even thinking about taking communion again? I'll never be able to forgive myself, him or her and I can't take communion in that rage. I have to congratulate her though. She has taught me a new feeling that I've never experienced before- hate. I hate her and what she did to me and that she was too stupid to see that she was really hurting my husband, not loving him. She was selfish and only wanted her own. She didn't want him to be happy, she wanted him to sacrifice everything for her, and it would have cost him everything to have chosen her. All the material things he cherished so much and any respect he would've had left from his daughter. That's not love. Love is self-sacrificing, not selfish. I realize he had/has an addiction, but what's her excuse? I HATE HER! There, I admitted it. Part of me wants to feel sorry for her and pity her, but most of me hates her and hopes that God makes her life miserable. He is the God of the plague, right? His vengeance is much more potent than anything that can concoct. But then I remember she is a child of God, too, and I'm supposed to love her and hope for her salvation, focus on my own faults, which are huge in themselves. It really sucks that I can't be this candid with my husband. I want us to talk with each other the way that we apparently can do with utter strangers. But I'm learning that this life is not about what want. If I want something emotionally, I can pretty much assume I'm gonna get the opposite. Oh well, gonna go enjoy boat shopping.


8/15/09
Toda was a pretty good day. If I could just get a lobotomy, my life would be really good. We bought the sailboat yesterday! So today we had to go get it. We stocked it up last night since we were having precious drive us up. I didn't want to fill her car up. We dropped the jeep off at the harbor and picked up a friend who knows how to sail. We pushed out around 7:30am for our long ride. It was calm, so handsome didn't have any problems pulling out. We never really got a lot of wind. The sail was about 5 knots the whole way. We saw a couple of whales almost right away.

Right after breakfast, I began to tackle the task of cleaning the inside. It was gross. I can't believe people pay hundreds of dollars to be in that smell and filth. Between the lack of sleep, inadequate breakfast, and cleaner fumes, I was quickly turning green. I sat in the cockpit for some fresh air, which helped, but then I finally decided to try to sleep. I found a spot on the settee, stretched out and zonked. I was out for about half an hour until visions of Handsome and Andrea shook me form my peace.

Made lunch and hung out for a while. Then it was back to cleaning. I worked in stages, taking breaks to get away from the fumes so I didn't get sick again... and of course, another nap. Breaks were often jump started by another memory or question that will never get answered, and instead of sitting and letting myself be overwhelmed, it was better to be productive. As I cleaned, I asked her if she liked her name. Told her the last boat was named the girlfriend and if she liked that she could have it, but I kinda thought my husband had had enough girlfriends and the joke wasn't funny anymore. She'll let us know. As we got a little closer to home, we saw dolphin and Handsome and C always made sure I halted cleaning for the respite of dolphin. One actually came to the bow for a brief moment.

Towards the end of the sail, there was some time when they both went downstairs and were talking and resting. I was left sailing, with the autopilot on, it had been on most of the day, alone. It was beautiful. The sun was warm, just a little bit of wind, the seas rolled gently and the coastline looked awesome, over-populated, but awesome. The solitude, fatigue, and stillness overcame me and I began to sob. I couldn't stop it. Here was this beautiful moment and I just wanted to jump in the ocean and drown. I realized that the only time I have any sense of peace at all is when I'm praying. I started saying the Jesus prayer and soon calmness came, even the hint of a smile. Finally, I could breathe again.

After awhile, handsome came out and sat on the opposite rail seat. I continued to pray, thinking, I've told him everything I need from him to heal, and he can't do it. The next time he asks me how he can make me happy, I need to tell him he needs to ask God, cause I don't know anymore. Abou 15 minutes after he came out, I went over to sit with him. It was a happy moment in his arms. I kept praying, so my mind wouldn't derail the moment, but it was inevitable to lose. Memories of when he asked me what flavor we used from the adult store the night before he went to Vegas flashed through my head. I know he went down on her there, and he won't do it for me and I wonder what is wrong with me. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let him go, and I can't believe I was stupid enough to buy his dumbass stories. And I hate that he knew I was stupid enough to buy his dumbass story, and that he still won't confess. And I REALLY hate that she knows I'm that I'm that stupid and he made me look like a fool to her. All this, and more, zoomed through my mind in seconds, prompting a hasty retreat to the other side of the boat. But he stopped me and gently placed his hands on my shoulders as my breath accelerated tremendously. I started praying again, and a little while later in the state of in his arms and praying, my breathing went back to normal and the tears stopped... just in time for C to wake up and come up top. We were almost home and it was time to get ready to make port. Home. This boat feels more like home than anyplace else I have ever been.

Maybe that should be her name.

He did a great job docking. We cleaned up a little bit as C went to pick up his daughter. Our precious had called several times to check on us through the day. I am so sorry for everything I have done that has contributed to her unhappiness. I pray that God will heal us both. She is an amazing, amazing girl and I am sorry that I have not made sure that she has known that every second of our life together.

So here we sit at our favorite Italian restaurant, half falling asleep, barely able to eat from our fatigue. Gonna go try to eat now.


8/17/09
Today was a nice day. I went the whole day with only one painful thought. I was startled from my sleep with a dream of him taking the black CD out of the player as I got in the truck. I had to get up and spent some time reading about sex addiction. That seemed to calm me down. I went back to bed, and the rest of the day, for whatever reason, I had a very calm brain. We spent the day cleaning and stocking the boat. I have it almost completely clean now. Just have cleaning the cushions and the bilges. I really was able to feel love for him all day. I wanted to touch him and kiss him. At the end of the day, I took a bath and cleaned and shaved everything. I've climbed in to bed with my lacy nightgown and my 5 inch shoes. Now I'll just wait for him to come to bed and I can top off this good day feeling completely close to him.

8/23/09
I am thankful for my new boat. I am grateful that I have a home and a job to go to in order to enjoy my life. I an thankful that God loves me.

8/24/09
Today was a normal August day, hot. We got a call at 5 am from a private number, so of course, we panicked when we missed the call. Handsome immediately called precious to make sure she was okay. She was...but apparently one of her friends caught the microwave on fire. Handsome was surprisingly calm. There was a time when he would have absolutely blown a gasket, and he was just content with knowing she was okay.

Went back to bed and woke up again around 8. Handsome got the sirius going then it was time to go for breakfast. I picked McDonald's. Yes...McDonald's. They have that fruit parfait and I just couldn't eat anything crappy after 3 weeks of eating out.

After breakfast, we cleaned up and decided to go for a sail