Thankful

Thankful for dental insurance. This tooth has fallen out at least 10 times now. I hope the new one stays!

Thankful

In the past, I have really despised the rain, but I find myself very thankful for it this year. It just fits the way that I feel. I know how much we need the rain and am grateful that the reservoirs are being filled and that everything will be green in the spring. I remember as a child when I loved the rain. It was warm and I loved to go out and take a walk and feel the water running down my face. It was always warm when it rained in Texas. It's not so warm here, but we have the doors open while handsome works on the house and I'm not miserable. I love the feeling of the water pouring on my head!

2/27/2010

Woke up early for a Saturday. Answering machine came on with a call from AES. So I decided to get up and go pay them.

thankful

I am soooo thankful it's Friday!!!

thankful

I am thankful for blankets.

2/21/10

Today, I start my experiment, logging everything. Starting by establishing a baseline over the next month. I am tired of feeling like this. Whether it be OCD, PMDD, or just plain depression, I want it to go away.

9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.

10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.

That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.

11:20
Write to Precious

11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer

Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log

Good Things...

A good therapist!

I love unconditionally.

AHHHH!

Well, my stupid ass husband still has an adultfriendfinder account, which he has recently visited and even paid for. This means that he has a secret e-mail address, too. I don't want to play this game anymore!!!

In the news...

I read an article today on Obama's reprimanding of the Republicans for holding things up. He accuses them of being petty and political. But he is ignoring the fact that is is their job to represent the people that elected them. He wants certain measures passed and if they are not then it is about politics and not beliefs. He needs to realize that if it comes to no action or bad action, we would prefer no action. Just because you got something done, doesn't mean that it was good.

Thankful

There is really so very much to be thankful for. I am learning that. To admit a fault, I am actually thankful for my husband, extremely. What brought me to that conclusion? I actually considered the possibility of leaving and trying to date other men. I gave it real and serious thought. I have realized that I am petrified of men. I have not made the greatest of choices and the odds of me finding another monster are pretty good. In my life, I've found men who have used and abused me, raped me, stalked me, and now shattered my heart. As I think about and look at the possibility of what I could find out there, I am actually drawn closer to my husband. He really is a good man who just made a mistake. A rather gigantic mistake, but just a mistake. He is not a bad man and I have never thought of him as so. So I am thankful for him and the love that he has for me.

And I am thankful for my ability to express my emotions. I work all day with children who don't know how to say what they feel and have no other option but tantrums.

1/31/10

Woke up early this morning. Woke up before Handsome, which is unusual for any day, let alone a Sunday. Did my 30 minute Wii workout. I'm getting stronger, but not any lighter. Doesn't matter. I'm not really trying to lose weight, just fix my brain chemistry and keep my heart healthy.

By the time I was finished, he had gotten up and showered. I went upstairs to do the same. I was wearing my flannel pajama top and a pair of his boxers. He threw me on the bed and planted a passionate kiss on me. It was wonderful.

Took a shower and got dressed. Went downstairs and was surprised that he wanted to eat breakfast at home again. Unusual for a weekend, but at least I'd get to eat something healthy.

We headed down to the harbor to install some lights on the swimstep. This was actually a fun project for Handsome, one just cause he could play with wires. At least on obligatory stop at the hardware store on the way.

Once he got it mostly run, I had to crawl in the bilge and tack up the wires where he couldn't reach. While he was finishing up, M and C came by with the kids. We talked for a little while. C is moving to gen ed after 15 years of special ed. I'm a little jealous, but she's earned it.

A little call of "son of a bitch" and they were quickly off. Handsome has a colorful vocabulary when he's working on a project.

While he finished up, I ran to Del Taco and grabbed lunch. We ate and called JB. Sad to hear that he is moving, but his wife won't have to work. That's nice for her.

It's a beautiful, sunny day with just a little chill in the air. I'm going to go enjoy the sun.

Facing Fears

It's not a fear of abandonment. I can handle him leaving. It's a fear which has been proven true, the fear of being stupid, weak, and used. Of living a life that is not real, but is just lies.

compatible?

We've been together 13 1/2 years. Of that, I've been going to counseling for 8, which means we've been miserably unhappy for at least 9 years, if not more. Things have only gotten worse over time and it doesn't look as though we will be happy, really happy, still for a while. Perhaps his affairs are just a reflection of the fact that we are not meant for each other. He used to talk about how heloved his first wife, they just couldn't live with each other. Maybe it's the same with us?

Thankful

I am thankful for my Precious and for internet... although it was an avenue for my husband to be a cheating bastard, it helps keep me organized.

1/28/2010

Journal reflection- March 19, 2004

O lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on YOur Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


I read this at a crazy time in my life. When hasn't been a crazy time? Although my life is far more simple than a giant number of people, it seems it has been crazy to me. I was working full time, going to school full time for my credential, home schooling Precious, and still responsible for everything in the house- the bills, the groceries, dinner, cleaning everything. I needed this connection with God and sought Him out for support. Apparently I will always need him for support. I guess I can see now how easy it was for the ones wandering in the desert with Moses to forget who saved them. I felt distant from my husband, like he had shut me out and I was a huge disappointment even as I struggled to get him the things that he wanted. We enjoyed the boat and he spent a lot of his free time on the Trophy, taking it out before or after work.

This Epistle reading has struck me today as I read it in the circumstance that I am in now. I am trying to move on in my life, but I just don't know if I want to stay still. Repay evil with a blessing? Is that God's way of telling me that even though my husband doesn't trust me or believe me, even though I am not the one who screwed around, it is my place to take the higher ground. I just have so little respect for myself.

Today is a work day. I've got a sub and I can get out for a while. I needed a day by myself. I hope the kids are doing well, but I don't really want to check in.

Thankful

I am thankful for potatoes... and cheese. : D

Thankful

I am thankful that my husband has become a nicer person.


I just wish it hadn't had to cost me so much to get there.

Yummmm

The next time you want to complain about your sex life, remember last night. He was attentive and amazing.

I wish he was as obsessed with me as he was with cheating on me.

I wish that he could trust me as much as he trusted her, but I realize that is a gift that will never, ever happen.

The perfect storm

Unusually strong winds are hitting us here. Worried about a leak in the boat, we decided to go down to the harbor and check on the boat. The drive was a little tense with the traffic and the driving rain. We went to get a little snack, but pulled over on the way. There was a waterfall right there in the harbor. Maybe not romantic, as it was runoff, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He jumped out of the car to get a picture. I thought about following, but hesitated. After a minute, though, the rain and the fall were too tempting. I jumped out and the rain felt wonderful. I was happy.

We finally decided to go. He needed to get something to eat. After our snack, it was back to the boat. Pulled into the parking lot and there was a little puddle outside the door of the car. Of course, the rain was driving harder than it had all day, right at the point that we had to run to the boat through the rain. And that's just what we did. As we ran through the rain, I couldn't help but say to him that this was how some of my favorite fantasies began, two lovers running through the rain, caught off guard.

I jumped up on the boat over the safety lines and dropped them so he could get over them. I scrambled to get the lock off and take the door pieces off, while it just seemed to rain harder and harder. Finally got inside and pulled off my coat so that I could move around better. He stayed in the cockpit.

I looked around a little, expecting he would come down in just a second. Found the front hatch was fine, but there was a little leak on the port side of the boat, where we had already fixed, or thought we had fixed, the leak. I wasn't too bad, though. I pulled the cushions off the settee so that they wouldn't soak up any water that might leak down. As I checked a few more places, the rain really started to come down. I crawled back into the aft cabin to check and make sure the berth was staying dry.



When I came back out of the stateroom, he had come down into the stairs, but he was drenched. Soaking wet to the core. It was raining so hard, there was no way we could go out in the rain again. I suggested he should get out of his wet clothes. I keep a change of clothes for both of us in the locker.