Well, today's the birthday. Fairly uneventful. But right now, I like it that way. Things have been so wrong for so long, I like calm. The kids were good today, that was their present to me. I did, however, spend quite a bit of the day brooding about how fricking depressed I am. I am not sure if it just hormonal or if it is just part of the grief cycle. I wish there was some way that I could neutralize the roller coaster of being a woman enough to be able to determine what part of my issues are of their own. It is so strange how as soon as I hear his voice, I forget I'm pissed off. I'm not pretending. I genuinely love hearing his voice. Maybe my time alone will make me miss him so much that it won't matter how much of a liar he really is. I don't know; we'll see.
I got a beautiful little bracelet from my friend and aide. She has been the best support for me in all of this and I thank God for her patience. Even when I don't feel like talking about how I feel, she can tell when I'm upset and manages to pull it out of me. It's therapeutic. Sometimes I think my cousin got it right when she fell in love with a woman.
I got my usual bouquet from Mom and Dad. This one was really beautiful. Complete with Lilies and carnations...my two favorite. Carnations because they seem to live the longest as cut flowers and lilies because of their intoxicating aroma. Dad has been sending me flowers ever since I was 16 and he was in Panama. It's the only time every year that I get flowers from anyone, and I love it. It has lifted a bit of the funk off. Precious always remembers it's my birthday when she sees the flowers. That helps me feel better, too.
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