thankful

I wrote this today with every intention of following through. Then I started thinking about all of the events that we have planned to do together and realized that it's hopeless. We have something planned almost every weekend, things that I want to do, things that I want to do with him. I'm pathetic... But I guess I'm glad I thought about that before I actually sent it.

Did you know that, ironically, the time that I have been the happiest in the last 5 years was right after I found out (the first time) about your affair. We had a great month. I felt so connected to you as you opened up and told me how you felt about things, how you felt and your health, and were even telling me about your affair. You couldn't keep your hands off of me and for the first time in years of our marriage I felt desirable and sexy, we had passion and were were emotionally close. I was extremely attracted to your honesty, brutally painful as it was. That was what I wanted from you more than anything in the world- total honesty. That's what I had been asking God for years before.

Then I found out it was all a lie. You never stopped your relationship with her, not for one second. As far as I see it you were crying because you thought you would lose her, not me. You didn't tell me everything. You kept your secrets and didn't even tell me that you were sick and spilling proteins. What I thought that we had when we were first married and I thought had returned to me was never there. That is still what I want- nothing off limits, to be able to talk about absolutely everything, for you to want me like you did that month, before I found out it was really other people you wanted. You gave all of your passion and adventure to strangers, and you gave mine to them right along with it. And then, gee, you wondered why I was always grumpy.

I can't be with you without all those questions surfacing. They come up all the time, and especially when we have sex. Did she do that?, Did you do such and such? How often did you? Was she better? Where did you? When did you? What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Did you last longer for her? Did you ever fight? Did you ever think of me when you were with her? What did you tell them about me? Were you really at work all those nights? What about when you were doing camera shift? When I was in Vegas with my family? Did you in the trailer? Who knew? Was I the first "girlfriend" your friends met? Did they know all along that I was your wife? How did it end? Did she know about the others? The online people? Was she really the first? the only? What did you do on your comp days? Who was prettier? Who was skinnier? Did you moan for her? them? Did you have foreplay, or was "suck my cock" enough to rev her engine? Did you kiss
them, hold them close, touch them, take off their clothes for them? What else did you try for them, besides shoes and stockings? Whose idea was it? Theirs or yours? Do you still want to do that? How did it make you feel? How often did you really listen to that CD? I remember seeing you take it out of your player several times when I got in the truck? How did it make you feel? When did you get it? Did you give her one? several? Was that "your song"? How did they make you feel? All those people? So many questions, even more... no answers. Unresolved and randomly surfacing seeking resolution, without warning.

Songs on the radio, people falling in love on TV, all reflect what you did without me, with others, what doesn't apply to me. Love songs break my heart because they don't apply. No true love, no always, no forever. There can never be an always or forever. That is gone, permanently. You stopped loving me. You loved someone else. There is no forever in that.

The truth is that we live a lie. You don't trust me. You never have and I don't think you ever will. There will always be secrets that are more important to you than I am. For nearly a decade now, the way that we "solve" my problems is that I make them go away. We don't deal with them. We just procrastinate and drag it out until I give up and stop talking about it, except in the sarcastic side notes that escape from me, evidence that it still hurts.

You loved her because you trusted her and she proved to be worthy of that trust. She is far too much of a coward to admit what really happened, loyal to you to the core. She is a better person than I am. You trusted her, still do today, more than me, and rightfully so. She was willing to be with you, even though there was another. She was willing to share you, just to be with you. She will keep your secrets to the grave and I won't be happy until I've unearthed them all. Guess you picked the right lover, wrong wife.

I feel so utterly rejected, untrustworthy, unwanted, undesirable, even hated sometimes. Yes, I know that you love me, but it's not that deep, passionate, magical love. That kind of love requires no walls or boundaries. I know that is partially my fault. It's hard to love a grouch. I feel cherished by you, but I'm sorry, I need more than that. I need your love for me to be deep and brave. You've done dozens of things that make me feel good, loved. But I'm stubborn. None of those things are the things that I have asked for. I'm like that stupid kid who gets something amazing for Christmas, but gets pissed off because it is not what I asked for. I don't get that "melty" feeling anymore. I still love you, but I can't let go of the hurt. It's not about trusting you not to do it again, although I do still get jumpy. It's about the fact that you did it in the first place. I can never get those years of my life back.

For years and years, when you were holding me, you couldn't wait to see what she was going to say, running to your cell phone when you were supposed to be loving me. Sending her messages while you lay in my bed, stood in my living room with me just inches away. You gave those other people all of your attention. You gave them your soul and your secret self, things that you will never let me see. Really, I guess that's what it boils down to... jealousy. There are strangers that know things about you that I am not allowed to ever know. Maybe that's control, I don't know, but I feel left out.

While I was at work missing you horribly, you were off fucking other people (sorry, I mean making love to them). Within moments of having sex with me (because you don't "make love" to me), you were off texting or calling her and others. While we were out on a "date" you would text her while I was in the bathroom. As far as I know, every moment that you were with me, you were thinking about her or what you would do online. Your 4 am romance sessions only came after someone else turned you on, not because I did. Trips to Catalina, not about me... nap time and shower time was talk with your girlfriends time. You have made no effort at all to tell me that any of our life together was not tainted. People make meaning of life out of their memories and you can't give me any to hold onto. You can't even verify if it was 2 days or 3 years that you spent sleeping with her, although, the way it looks to me, it was the latter. If that is something
you "forget", then how many millions of other pertinent pieces of information have you "forgotten". You experimented and were adventurous with strangers, but you take no risk with me. You did things with others that you won't do with me, no matter how many different ways I ask. There's no seduction, no foreplay, no costumes, no openness of soul, no trust, no play, no honesty, with me.

I'm greedy... I want you to talk to me the way that you talked to them. I want you to show me what you showed them. I want you to do to me what you did with them. I want you to share with me what you shared with them. I want you to tell me what they did to you, how they talked to you, what they shared with you. Probably not healthy, but it's what I want. But I have learned that in this world, it doesn't matter what I want. The answer is always "no".

Do you know how stupid I feel that we called the boat the girlfriend because she was the only girlfriend you had, and yet, who knows how many you really did have. Only God does, because you've "forgotten".

I can't live with secrets and living ghosts. I have tried and it just won't go away. I think about what has happened all the time and I can't believe that you never think about it. It was 5 years of my life! How do you just forget how you squandered my life away?! You love your secrets more than me and apparently I do too. You have already shown that you are more than capable of finding someone that can make you more happy than I can, so you can be happy again, without me always reminding you that you're not perfect. You are a good man who made some mistakes. I am just too stupid to let it go. Not your fault. Maybe I'm crazy like my Grandma, maybe I'm bitter like your mom, maybe I'm just an idiot to let the wonderful man that you are slip away because I can't let go of this pain. Who knows? But I can't live this way any more.

Sure, this marriage could be fixed. All things are possible with God's help, but He abandoned me years ago and he's not going to do crap to fix any of this. I hate Him for letting this happen and I don't want to have anything to do with Him. I'm sure you're thinking "free will" but if He can change the Pharoah's heart, then it is possible to affect anyone's decisions. As far as I am concerned, He let this happen and I don't think I will ever forgive Him for it.

After a year of therapy, we still can't talk about anything that matters, about you and I. I feel completely lost and alone. If I have to be alone in this world, then I would just rather be alone. I want to see if this pain goes away when you're not around. I want to see if I miss you when I'm not with you. I want a break. You got a break for 5 years, maybe more, I don't know when this all really started. I know I said I would forgive and move on, but I guess I lied.

Am I afraid of losing you? YES, but I'm afraid of losing myself more right now. I'm not asking you for anything but some space, some time. Even after everything that I've said here, I am not asking for any explanations or answers to anything. You don't owe me anything. I am not making any permanent decisions. I'm not sure where I'll be, Patty's, the boat, Mannette's. I'm not even going to pray that God bring me home again, because that will guarantee that I won't. "Ask and ye shall receive" has turned into "Ask and ye shall receive the opposite" when it comes to God and I.

I am not trying to punish you, you have been absolutely wonderful to me this last year. This is not about you. This about me, how selfish I am, how hard hearted I have become. In all honesty, you and Felicia deserve better than I am. Either I will become better, or you can find another who is. It won't be difficult for you. You are handsome, charming, intelligent, strong, supportive, caring, interesting, talented, sexy, kind, loving, and funny. I'm just an idiot that doesn't deserve your patience.