Blasphemy

Okay, this is going to be totally sacrilegious and blasphemous, but here goes. I was prompted to think about what Good Friday means to me. I thought how it reminds me how I have betrayed God and my only true way to salvation is the sacrifice, the death, of my Lord, the one who loves me the most. So then, my stupid brain, which has been absolutely furious with God for allowing my husband to do what he has done connects that maybe it is the same for us. My husband has become a better man, although he has not yet reconciled with God yet. Was that the purpose of all of this. Did I have to die, as I have been doing, in order for my husband to live? Am I the lamb, although not blemish free, the path to my husband's renewal? Is it because I love him the most that I had to die for him? I remember offering my soul to God for his at one point. Did God take me up on my offer? Did I actually ask for this Hell that I live in? If all of this is so, if I am to be an example of Christ to my husband, where is my resurrection? Is it in my hands or in God's? When do I live again?

Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.

It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."