Hole

There's a hole in my life that is 13 years big. Why is that? I have no idea what part of my life is real or not. There is the way that I've experienced my life, and then there is reality. I could cherish the week at the island. Oh, but wait, every time I fell asleep or went to the bathroom, he was talking to his lovers. So how do I know he wasn't thinking about them the whole time. While we were drinking our buffalo milk, maybe he was thinking how much she would like it here. Or maybe while we were kayaking through the cave, he was wishing he'd rather be doing it with her.

Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.

How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.

Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.

That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.

All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.

It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?

I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?