What's up today? Just another day. Of course, I feel terrible, but I'm doing my best to pretend I feel fine. Nothing I am able to do about anything. I am just counting the days until the next dr. visit. I have three issues that are eating up at me- not forgiving myself, feeling very undesirable, and seeing that he is basically a dishonest man that feels that if a person can find a way to get away with something, anything, they should go ahead and do it. He can justify anything. This is so dichotomous to who I am, I think it will destroy anything we have left together. I am certainly not going to become a more dishonest person. That is part of the foundation of who I am. If there is anything left of who I ever was, that is all that is left. I am not going to give it up!
Got up early this morning and did some more yoga. Lost a pound, even with PMS. Maybe it will stay gone? My brain just feels weird and I am getting that "I just wish I could die" feeling back again. I am seriously contemplating meds again... I just can't afford them right now. I am budgeted beyond my means and I can't squeeze out med money, too. I hate that I have allowed my life to be so screwed up. Nobody is to blame but me. What I have gotten, I have let happen, every step of the way.
Kids were a little more squirrelly today. Another day stuck in the rain and they are getting antsy. I love listening to the rain, though.
I am a little on edge. He is home today and I am not as trusting that he is behaving as I have been. Dr. says it will take 5 years before I can trust him again, if there is only 1 affair, which I don't believe there was. I believe there were many, in which case, I will never trust him again. Forgiving him doesn't mean believing him.
I am only happy when I am close to God. Any other time, I just want to disappear.
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