new challenge

Now that I have come to the conclusion that I have no other choice than to forgive my husband and his paramours, it seems that I have one more task left. I decided I was too stupid and weak to leave him, "I love him". I sound like a whiny Maury guest. I am never going to get what I have asked from him and her, so why keep beating my head against the wall? There's nothing I can do to make any of them become honest people of integrity.

Now here is the part that I am dealing with now... the forgiving of myself. What for? For being stupid, gullible, weak, ignorant, blind, untrustworthy, not respectable, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on again and again and still sticks around for more. I used to pride myself on how smart I was... he's proven that wrong. I used to think myself as strong... again, he's shown that's not true. I used to think I was inherently an honest person, and yet I lied to myself day after day for more than four years. I used to think I was sexy and desirable, but he has no passion or desire for me. We have sex, but there's no fire, and it isn't very often, hasn't been for a long time. It's like he used it all up on the strangers and girlfriends and now all his passion and foreplay is gone.

This challenge has always been there, but now in moving my anger for him and them out of my way, I am left with my anger at myself. I have to learn to forgive myself and I feel that this will be the most difficult task of them all.