Fear

I've been thinking about our marriage a lot today. I so much want to be happy, but I've been realizing that we have never been happy together. I've been going to therapy for 9 years to try to make our marriage better and it just gets worse and worse.

I feel like a blowup doll, a disposable accessory in his life and truth be told I've felt that way for a long time... a very long time. I still feel that way. His priorities are supposed to be mine and whatever I might want is secondary. I am not a priority in his life. He doesn't want me any more, I mean really want me.

I learned today that I am extremely afraid of wanting him again and just being rejected again. The feeling started long before his affair and was just magnified by his infidelities.

I shouldn't have to ask him to want me. He's shown me before what it is like when he does, or maybe I was just the body for his fantasies of other people. If I I have to tell him how to want me, he's not really wanting me.

Perhaps that's what it all comes down to. I am just afraid of being rejected for the 99th time. It started even before we were married. He's told me he wants a divorce at least twice a year for most of our lives, but he never says what he's unhappy with. Then he finally stopped saying he wanted a divorce but started fucking other people.

How am I supposed to trust him, to really open myself up to him again? I can't feel like this any more.