post therapy

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last two weeks. It seems like I do a lot of thinking. Today, I'm on a more positive upswing. I asked myself if I would like my husband, love him, enjoy him, if he had never cheated. If we could take this horrible thing out of our lives and erase it, would I want to be with him? I have spent so much time thinking about whether or not I can live with what he did that I stopped thinking about him. I haven't stopped loving him or enjoying his company. The only barrier to us being truly happy is my broken heart.

I've been trying to decide if I should just stop thinking about whether or not I should stay. I feel like as long as I leave the door open to give up, it makes it easier to do just that. What if I closed the door on leaving? Dr. says not so good an idea because then I will feel more like I am stuck.

I suppose the truth is that I don't want to give up what could be. Maybe it never will be, but if I leave, it never can be. How can I say that I believe God can heal anything and not even give him the chance? Do I really have faith in Him or do I only have faith in what I can do myself?

I still hate that he has done this to me. I still don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'll be 80 years old and someone will ask me about our lives and I will be very reluctant to tell our story. It's not beautiful anymore. Our marriage is more like a Picasso than a Degas. Far more abstract, needing a special eye to appreciate. Maybe someday it will be a priceless masterpiece. Maybe after I'm dead and gone someone will appreciate our story.