I am having a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for today. After my last post about having a divorced frame of mind made me be here because I want to be, I had some really good days. Then I had some not so great days. I feel undesirable, unwanted, and rejected. Not just over the affair, but our life together. It's not a new feeling. It's how I've felt for years and it is only complicated by the fact that he was willing and able to give another person the kind of attention that I crave. It makes me feel as though we just aren't meant to be together. He's comfortable with me, but I certainly don't feel wanted by him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but I can only try to seduce him and get turned down so many times before I give up. He's always upset about something. How's a person supposed to reduce their stress level when somebody's always bitching about every little thing. All I want to do is sleep. He dealt with his depression by sleeping, too... with someone else. I've thought about that option, too, but all I can think about is all of the predators that are out there that I don't have the capacity at this point to recognize. Besides, who would want this frowny face anyway?
I used to be the kind of person whose base layer was always happy. No matter how hard or sad my life was, I always had this foundation of joy. Now my foundation is misery and I hate it. I hate that he has made me this way. It is said that it's a choice, but it's not.
So what am I thankful for? The fireplace!
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