anger into writing

Well, after missing last nights appointment I had a bug to check his phone and sure enough he's got a secret email address. I am now officially done!

thankful

My Precious

thankful

I am thankful that I have a boat to take refuge in while my marriage falls apart.

PISSED OFF!

Well, its after 6 and he's not home nor did he reschedule our appointment. He's known about this for a month. There is no excuse for this.

upset

Write down what upsets you...

Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.

activity log 6/28/2010

9:10 starting log, checking schedule

9:15 take a bath

thankful

Unemployment checks.

6/27/10

Woke up a few times, but finally got up a little after 8. I got dressed for church and rebooted the laundry. Handsome was making biscuits and gravy. Perfect. Skipped it and off I went. Today I was taking communion for the 1st time in years. I kept praying it wouldn't kill me. I decided to go to the mission church. On the drive down, I listened to Catholic mass. "I guess this can sub for missing Orthros today," I thought. It was a nice service and God didn't strike me down for approaching him unworthy. I want so much to be healed. Then I went to the boat and I'm reading The Art of Prayer from Igumen Chariton of Valamo after reading a little booklet about prayer. I'm still on the intro. We stopped and went to Chronic. He's been hanging pictures and working on little projects. I have a bit of a sense of peace. I need to remember that I need God.

thoughts

Perhaps I've been looking @ this all from the wrong angle. We keep looking at how he can make me happy, trust him, turn me on, generally all about me. But I've never tried to leave this relationship. I've never threatened divorce or had an affair. I am much easier to satisfy than he thinks. I have loved him despite his flaws. No more than that, I have loved his flaws. The question is not can he make me love and trust him again, but has he ever really loved and trusted me? And can he ever? He deserves to be with someone who sets his soul on fire, who consumes him so much that there is no room for another. If I don't ignite passion in him, no flames just as who I am, then I am the wrong girl for him. He is wasting time with me, settling. I know that his unhappiness comes from inside him and I am not to blame for it, but happiness and love should not be so much work. If it's right, it should be a natural occurence. Not easy, but natural.

upset

I remember a night when he didn't answer his texts or cell phone. He accuses me of ignoring his calls because that's exactly what he does, ignore my calls. He was late, really late from work. I called his work and he had left on time. I called, texted, no answer. I even went out driving to look for him in case he had pulled over with an insulin reaction or something. He eventually called me while I was driving around the city looking for him, about to call the hospitals.

4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.

6/25/10

Woke up @ 7:30 this morning to take the Jeep in for an oil change. Handsome was in the shower. When he got out, I went up to remind him where I was going since he never remembers what I tell him. He was shaving. I told him to lay out what he wanted for the boat this weekend so he could come down right after work. He informed me he's not coming to the boat. You see, I went to a friend's house last night for the hot tub, some vodka, and some girl talk. I texted him where I was going but he still called. . . 16 times and my friend! I didn't answer. We were busy. So now he's pissed and he's going to punish himself by not going to the raft up. He's not texting or calling me, but that could just be a normal day. He only communicates with sluts and perverts with any frequency and I'm not either. Jeep needs rear brakes. Got the internet to work in the harbor but not on the boat. Gotta walk over the bridge.

good things in life and me

I am strong.

thankful

Precious found a job. Shes making coffee.

channel anger into writing

Chore @ 8 am this morning was to be in the now. Ive done pretty good with shaking off the few thoughts ive had today. Right now im hanging on a sunsoaked cockpit listening to 80s music all by myself with a fridge full of healthy food. Whats to be angry about?

6/23/2010

Haven't done much today. Handsome and I had a tiny little conversation about how he convince me to fall in love with him again. Why can't I resist his cute face?

Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.

Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.

Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.


Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.

In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42

upset

write about what makes me upset. For today is just about today, so nothing has upset me today. Nothing to write.

thankful

thankful for summer!

channel anger into writing

I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.

activity log 6/22/2010

2:20 pm checking calendar

Talked with Tracy.

Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.

6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!

6:26 multivitamin

Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.

6/22/2010

Woke up around 8:00 am. lazy day today. Haven't done very much at all. Spent lots of time looking for a job in casting. I am really hungry for my handsome and yet I don't want him either. He doesn't need me. Of course not. All that time that he was screwing around and we weren't having sex, I was the only one not having sex. He hasn't been denied anything of his desires.

If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.

I've just been rejected too much to get over.

Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......

6/21/10

Beautiful day! Summer is here. Woke up with Handsome still not feeling well so no run. Fine by me. Stayed in bed til after 9. Couldn't get in the bathroom til Precious left for work. A shower and some makeup and off to turn in apps. Went to look for internet connection then Lakeshore for a few things. Now I'm hanging on the boat trying to decide my future. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him deeply? 4 more years until I can trust him again, except that I don't believe it was only one affair. What kind of life is that for him? He's already shown that he is able to forget me and be happy with someone else. Shouldn't I give him the opportunity to be happy?

activity log 6/20/10

12:40 start log. Hanging on the boat waiting for Precious. Feeling nothing. He deserves to have someone who loves him the way I used to. This wanting to be gone feeling isn't fair to him. Check calendar.

thankful

TEQUILA!

aware of anger

He flinched when I kissed his cheek. I know he said he didn't feel well, but flinching?

activity log 6/17/2010

7:25 pm start log, flipping channels, totally relaxed and content. Handsome is working late again. Check calendar.

looked for ballet tickets

7:30 laid out clothes for tomorrow, made lunch for tomorrow at the boat with the girls. Pasta salad. I am enjoying my time by myself way too much. It really makes me question if I'm still in love. I remember when my every thought and topic of conversation was consumed with him. Ever since I've learned that he can forget me, I seem to be able to forget him, too. I don't want to date. I have never intentionally dated. I don't want to. I just want to feel butterflies again.

8:57 check calendar. Be aware of anger

9:00 Burn Notice is on. Check account balances.

9:08 check calendar

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

6/16/10 cont

stupid brain. Why does a perfectly nice day have to be destroyed with thoughts and questions that will never get answered. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't give a damn about anything. There is no life left. Only existence. Precious' notion that we cease to exist after death sounds so nice. The walk there and back took 45 minutes. I had a little bit of fun putting on the hose clamps with Handsome. He decided we should go for a sail. Wow was it stressful. But we didn't give up. Out for about 2 hours. Stuff we forgot to stow was all over. Sittin in the sun after a veggie delight. Finally relaxation.

6/16/10

2:00 PM taking the sailboat out for the 1st time since the island. It is nice & sunny, flat with just a little breeze. Red tide is in. It looks awful through polarized sunglasses. The morning started out nice. I woke up before 6am but rolled back over. Alarm went off @ 6 to start our new workout program. I was happily relieved when he told me we could walk later since he took the day off. Back to sleep cuddled up close. After a little playtime ; ). We woke up again around 8:30. Had to get breakfast but first a couple more rolls of the dice in our game. We had yummy strawberry blintzes. Vacation is not going to be good for losing weight. On the way to the harbor I had him take me to Ross to buy the hairspray I was supposed to buy a year ago. Did a little extra shopping then his sugar dropped... Dairy Queen at 10:30 in the morning. Short stop at West Marine for hose clamps for the packing box. When we got to the boat they were too big. Decided we'd walk back to West Marine. It was a nice walk except for my

thankful

10 weeks not having to report to work!

activity log 6/14/2010

7:18 pm sitting on the couch flipping channels, despairing a little. Handsome at the boat drying out the packing box. I'm happy by myself. Checking calendar.

8:45 forgot to log. I vacuumed the couch, shined the kitchen sink, put away the laundry, Handsome came home and I went to take a bath. I was glad that he came home. He touched me and it felt good. He drew me a picture of the hose clamps that need to be replaced. Sitting in his T-shirt about to check the calendar again... not wishing he would go away and leave me alone. I may never be blissful again, our marriage may never be magical, but I have moments of contentment.

8:54 Be aware of your anger. I am very in tune with the anger that I still hold inside. The only thing that seems to truly relieve this feeling is spending time with God. The funny thing is that He makes me feel better even though I hate Him for letting all this mess happen. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and yet he let my husband shred every dream I ever had into a million tiny unfixable pieces. Hence the juxtaposition of love and hate.

From "My Life in Christ” by St. John of Kronstadt (1829-1908)

(from pages 510-511)

The heavenly Father so greatly cares for me, for my life, my salvation, that He did not spare even His only-begotten Son, but sent Him into the world to suffer and die, and feeds me with His Body and Blood. Is it possible, then, that He should not care for me in less important things, and should deprive me and mine of sufficient means of subsistence? This has not happened until now, and shall not be. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God , and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” ¹ “The very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore.” ²

My life is the infinite Lord, Which Is, the Almighty; I am wholly absorbed in this life. “Who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” ³ I am ever before the face of God; I am ever in God, and He in me. Shall I put my trust in food, drink, or money, or in any man? Should I not then be blind? In truth, God is my hope. He is everything to me.

I¹St. Matthew 6:33. ²St. Matthew 10:30-31. ³Ephesians 4:6.

(From “My Life in Christ: Or Moments of Spiritual Serenity and Contemplation, or Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God: Extracts from the Diary of St. John of Kronstadt (Archpriest John Iliytch Sergieff)”. Translated, with the Author’s sanction, from the Fourth and Supplemented Edition by E.E. Goulaeff, St. Petersburg . Originally printed by Cassell and Company, Limited. London , Paris & Melbourne . 1897. Reprinted with the blessings of His Grace Laurus, Archbishop of Syracuse and Holy Trinity Monastery: Holy Trinity Monastery, Printshop of St. John of Pochaev, Jordanville , New York , U.S.A. 1984)

9:00 check the schedule again

9:03 balance checking accounts

9:10 check schedule

9:20 organize messes

anger into writing

That first night that I found out, I begged him to tell me the truth. I didn't want to spend my life not knowing where my husband was the way his first wife did. "I deserve the truth. Don't hide from me the way you did to her." Well, he did what I wished... he hid from me even more than he did from her. For her, it was a year of a job she didn't know about, unless he lied to me. For me it was a minimum of at least 3 years of fucking other people. God did he make me look like a complete idiot. Even more for staying.

6/13/10 cont

I want to have my life in the church. I want to learn to chant. If my handsome is going to continue to be a barrier to my spiritual purpose then I wish God would make him move on at this point in my life when Im already numb. Ideally Id like us to be what we were in the beginning- two people who worshipped God together. But of course thats something I want and its already well established that I dont get what I want in this life. We were designed to serve God together. Im only happy when Im close to God even if Im angry with Him for letting this shit happen in my life. I found some cream cheese fruit dip and decided to make a nice snack. Got some berries and an orange to zest. It was yummy.

6/13/10

3:00 on a Sunday afternoon. Laying on the cockpit in the sun watching the clouds blow by. Its been a good day. Woke up content in my handsome's boxers. We got up to go get him some coffee about 8:30. I didn't eat anything cause I was still hopin I could make it to church. After breakfast, we headed for the harbor. We had a good conversation about God and evolution. Jim called from OK needing a pic from his boat. We went to get more coffee. I gave in and let him buy me a chocolate croissant but didnt eat it. Then he realized he hadnt taken his shot and how now the day was ruined. I told him wed take care of the Jim pic then Id run home for his insulin. After I left him at the boat I listened to the Catholic channel all the way home and back. It was interesting as they were talking about the theory that Shakespeares writings were a reflection of his persecuted status as a Catholic in protestant England. When I got to the harbor I went by the grocery store. My morning of prayer brought me to a moment of thought.

activity log 6/12/10

9:00 PM Hanging on the boat with Handsome and C.

thankful

Beautiful day.

activity log 6/10/2010

9:00 pm Burn Notice all by myself after a nice session with the doc.. by myself too. Handsome decided to work overtime tonight.

activity log 6/8/2010

9:00 pm Watching Deadliest Catch cuddled up with my handsome.
Ate a banana and drank some water.

activity log 6/7/2010

9:00 start log, check calendar, sitting on the couch with my feet on handsome, while he flips the clicker

9:11 balance checking accounts

9:20 Check calendar. Express anger non aggressively. Can't say what I wanta say so checking schedule again.

10:00 Time for bed!

activity log 6/6/2009

9:00 start log, watching TV. Nothing On!! Cuddle with my Handsome.

9:05 balance accounts, nasty e-mail to BofA. e-mailed 24 hour fitness to cancel.

9:40 glass of water, going to bed.

6:00 am Up and at em

6:15 off to a busy day at work!

be aware of things that make you angry.

He has no desire to know what I think about. He'll listen if I make him, but he doesn't actually want to know. Just like foreplay. He'll do it if I ask, but he doesn't think of it on his own and it's totally mechanical when he does. I really am very jealous of his affairs. For them he was adventurous, experimental, played games, wore costumes, opened up parts of himself that I will never, ever know. For me, I get no passion, no desire, no connection. I realize I probably don't make it easy on him, but he's the one that made me this way, he's going to have to be the one to undo it.

He used to be obsessed with his phone, waiting with baited breath every word from a stranger. He doesn't even read the ecards I send him.

We really have never been truly a happy couple. We may be content, we may enjoy each other's company, but I don't think we will ever find magic, never bliss. We had it once, then I found out he was still a great big liar and it has never come back again.

activity log 6/1/2010

7:30 pm check work calendar
Pack exercise clothes and water bottle
2. lay out clothes for tomorrow
3. pack school bag
4. make lunch and snack
6. Put everything you need to take together in a to-go place
7. Shine sink
8. Put away any laundry
10. Fill dishwasher
wash face, brush teeth, moisturize
12. clear off hot spots: coffee table, kitchen counter, chair
13. Check calendar for family activities tomorrow
14. Turn off computer @ 10:00 pm
15. Set alarm clock

8:30 check regular calendar
8:47 Say something nice to handsome!

9:09 check calendar
9:15 balance checking accounts
9:40 check calendar
9:52 plan time
10:00 bed

thankful

I have a voice to speak with.

activity log 5/27/2010

9:00 pm check calendar
9:23 Tracy
9:26 check calendar
10:00 Bed

thankful

my bed...

Activity log 5/26/2010

8:53 pm check calendar
8:56 Precious
9:15 calendar
10:00 bed

Thankful

Handsome has promised to take me to church this weekend!

Channel anger into writing

Well, today, I don't have any anger to deal with. After our ordeal on Sunday, handsome has such a new found appreciation of life, so I can't possibly bring up all the crap from the past. I suppose thatmeans that it is time to let it all go. Just trying to deal with work and life day to day.

activity log 5/24/2010

9:00 pm check calendar
9:06 Ancestry.com
9:15 check calendar
10:00 Bed
6:00 am check schedule

thankful

Surviving the worst sail ever. Should be dead. Still living.

thankful

Sick days.

activity log 5/19/2010

9:06 Checking calendar
9:11 Learn how to channel anger- make new memories together

activity log 5/17/2010

3:59 Checking calendar, @ work
4:00 Clean dryer lint trap, on my way home to do it.
4:15 check calendar
4:30 Aromatherapy- Off to Sprouts.
5:15 Learn to Cook
5:30 Check Calendar
6:00 Eat dinner- Ate a slice of strawberry banana cream pie. That's healthy, right?
6:28 Check calendar
6:34 Multivitamin
6:40 Check Calendar
6:43 Drink Tea- Peppermint!
7:45 Chicken Enchilada
7:51 Check calendar
7:52 Precious
8:25 Check calendar

5/17/2010

Brain is all mush today. I called him my morse code lover, cause his love has holes in it. He didn't take it very well. He had he chance to shorten my pain. Dr. told him that I would heal faster if he told me all the details and answered all my questions. He preferred extending my suffering. Helping me to heal more quickly was not his decision, so now we are stuck with this. Guess his thinkahead is still broken.

Monday, 20 days of school to go. Today has been a rough day. The weather is overcast and so are their moods. We all have spring fever. I am so ready to go do something else with my life!

activity log 5/16/10

3:20 Check calendar, sailing with C. . . 3:33 Study local customs. 5:10 Check calendar 5:12 10 minutes with handsome 5:28 Check calendar

5/16/10

Hanging on the boat. It is cold today. Handsome is working on stuff. I've been reading St. John Chrysostom On Marriage. . . It's a lot more for men than wives. It's all bugging me today. Never going to have the relationship I had dreamed of. Can I be happy settling? Does it even matter if I'm happy? According to what I read today, it's not my job to love him, just obey him. And respect him but that one is next to impossible after what he's done.

activity log 5/14/2010

9:11 check calendar

thankful

Good visit from a good friend with positive news. Looks like my real boss isn't going to let me get fired. We'll see.

activity log 5/12/2010

8:34 watching Zoolander, checking calendar

activity log 5/11/2010

7:35 watching The Golden Compass

activity log 5/10/2010

5:35 check calendar
5:37- lay down for a little while
7:20 check calendar
7:30- Watch a movie- Gene Kelly and Judy Garland

Thankful

The best mom ever!

Thankful

The best mom ever!

thankful

Good music

thankful

warm weather, full stomach

activity log 5/6/2010

7:40 off to the Dr. Maybe he can help me figure out how to prioritize my life.

activity log 5/4/2010

8:38 pm start log, watching DEA on Spike TV (60)
8:39 check calendar
8:44 going to bed

5/2/2010

I slept well, but still woke up completely exhausted. The stress at work is going to kill me. God may not give us more than we can handle, but I seem to have created a mess for myself that I can't quite get through.

The shower felt so good. The warm water running over me. Clean hair. I thought it might wake me up, but not really. I knew what was ahead of me and it was just too daunting.

I tackled a few of the bills and got those taken care of. Luckily, the weather totally crapped out, so Handsome was willing to just hang around the house today. We had planned on trying to go sailing, but not in the fog.

Once I got the bills taken care of, it was diving into this pile of IEP goals. I decided I would go on and off, do one goal and then do something else. It is prolonging the process, but at least my brain is fresh with each goal. I am probably still not doing them correctly, but at least I'm trying.

Spent a little while looking at job openings in the entire Southern California area. There are a lot of opportunities. Just none of them are close to home.

Handsome made biscuits for breakfast and they were good. Then he decided to go down to the harbor and pick the dinghy up out of the water. While he was there, he decided to wash the sails so that he could stay out of my hair. It looks as though he really has learned to be an amazing man. Sucks that he had to rip my heart and sanity to complete shreds, and this job mess is a complication of all of that, too. But I'm glad that maybe we can finally be happy.

Had an orange, did my AlphaStim today. Maybe a little healthy stuff can help.


Journal reflection:
March 20, 2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with tall who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day will peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.


--- I was trying to memorize this prayer then. I have not done so, nor do I apply it well to my life. Each morning is filled with dread and fear of the expectations before me. What was going on then? Handsome was on worker's comp. for his shoulder. I was working as an aide with JS. Precious was 15, which was not a good year for her, but she was with us. I need to remember this prayer. I need to engrave it on my heart.

activity log 4/27/2010

7:35 PM- watching A Sound of Thunder on TV. It's a little boring. During the movie, I cleaned the kitchen cabinets and emptied crumbs from the toaster and defragged the computer. 9:00 PM drinking a cup of peppermint tea, watching Deadliest Catch

Thankful

Just 33 days of school left!

4/25/10

We woke up around 8. We needed to be ready to go by 10 so we started securing stuff and saying our goodbyes. Set off by 10:15. Of course everyone passed us. Got about an hour to go. It has been a gorgeous day.

activity log 4/24/10

12:30 Hanging out in the sun in Oceanside, drinking my first Bloody Mary ever. Talking with my new yacht club friends. 1:30 We went to Tony's for lunch 3:45 back @ the slip. Check schedule.

activity log 4/20/10

2:45 check schedule 2:50 Mary Kay

Hole

There's a hole in my life that is 13 years big. Why is that? I have no idea what part of my life is real or not. There is the way that I've experienced my life, and then there is reality. I could cherish the week at the island. Oh, but wait, every time I fell asleep or went to the bathroom, he was talking to his lovers. So how do I know he wasn't thinking about them the whole time. While we were drinking our buffalo milk, maybe he was thinking how much she would like it here. Or maybe while we were kayaking through the cave, he was wishing he'd rather be doing it with her.

Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.

How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.

Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.

That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.

All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.

It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?

I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?

activity log 4/16/10

1:10 teaching.
2:45 Check schedule.
2:48 Visualize self as great teacher.
2:50 Check schedule.
2:52 Question the objectivity of my thoughts. Am I able to think about what I want from/with him objectively? So many emotions in the way...
2:55 Check schedule
2:56 look for auditions
3:13 Mary Kay.
3:17 Pampered Chef.
3:19 Check Schedule- Christine, going home to Facebook and e-mail.
3:45 Learning how to buy an island- researched owning a B&B
4:36 check schedule.
4:40 Shower
5:12 Check schedule
5:16 artistic expression
5:25 Check schedule.
5:30 Handsome came home. We did a little bookkeeping then went to the storage unit.
6:06 Off to Target to get a purse that doesn't swallow my stuff. Couldn't find one, but found a monster that will work at Wal-Mart. Decided to go grab dinner while we were out. About 7:00, I started having a little panic. Did she ever see his asshole side, or was he always on his best behavior with her? How did she react to it? Started to hyperventilate and then remembered I'd hardly eaten anything all day. Decided to make myself wait until I had some nutrients in my head before I let myself freak out.
7:47 Check schedule.
8:03 Ancestry.com - Hans Peter Christensen
8:13 Check Schedule
8:15 Handsome

Thankful

Taxes are paid...

thankful

Summer vacation

Thankful

A quiet night alone...

4/9/2010

Last week day of spring break. I have thoroughly enjoyed this week off. Mom and Dad have been here since Monday. We went to the spa and played in the mud, putt putting and the Wild Animal Park. It's been nice. Precious even did a couple of things with us.

I want mom and dad to taste my roast, but we don't have any pans. I got up early this morning and seared the roast on the barbecue. That was kind of cool. We'll see how it turns out in the end. The smell is torture. I don't know if I can wait until dinner to break into it.

I spent a couple of hours working on my IEP goals, until they all started to blur together. I still have a few students I need to look at before Monday, but I'll do that later.

We're just hanging out now. Tonight we go bowling, all of us, and tomorrow we go sailing.

Last night we had our appointment with the Dr. Things seem to be going well. We might actually make it after all. It really sucks that I had to get torn to pieces in order for us to be any where near happy, but I guess that's life.

I really don't want to go back to work on Monday, but it's got to be done. I envy those women who can stay home and take care of their homes and families. I don't know how my sister-in-law can be bored. I would be so happy. Each to his own I suppose.

good things

I have the best parents in the world!!

good things

Good things about me and my life...
I am self-giving.

scared

4:30 in the morning and after multiple attempts to try to seduce my husband in the last 16 hours or so, I come up short. I am afraid that I just can't compare to all of his other whores that he has spent his time with this last 5 years and I am always going to feel rejected and undesirable. He was obsessed with sex with strangers, but with me, still far between. I am afraid that after all that he has done without me, that there is nothing left to do with me. I will never turn him on the way that forbidden did. I've asked this question for years, and still have no answer... if all a man wants is sex, but he doesn't want it from you, what's wrong with you?

4/4/10

I cant believe i slept 12 hours last night. Feeling semi normal today. Almost happy. I was thinking about how our true hope lies not in His death but in His resurrection. The hope that we can arise from the hell weve brought on ourselves and live again. This is my hope that i might be alive again. We actually ate breakfast at home today. I like cereal and unclogged arteries. Were at the boat of course and hes got the new gauges installed. Clouds are coming in. I find myself constantly checking facebook to see how MTs son. I cant help but think it could have been my son and i worry a lot. I want to say something encouraging but what do you say when its been nearly 2 decades. My heart aches for him.

4/3/10

I almost feel normal today. Woke up about 7:30. Grabbed the bathing suits & off to bagels for breakfast. The drive to the boat was nice. We actually talked. The mission today is to get the oil sensor working. Of course we've been all over the county trying to find the parts.

Blasphemy

Okay, this is going to be totally sacrilegious and blasphemous, but here goes. I was prompted to think about what Good Friday means to me. I thought how it reminds me how I have betrayed God and my only true way to salvation is the sacrifice, the death, of my Lord, the one who loves me the most. So then, my stupid brain, which has been absolutely furious with God for allowing my husband to do what he has done connects that maybe it is the same for us. My husband has become a better man, although he has not yet reconciled with God yet. Was that the purpose of all of this. Did I have to die, as I have been doing, in order for my husband to live? Am I the lamb, although not blemish free, the path to my husband's renewal? Is it because I love him the most that I had to die for him? I remember offering my soul to God for his at one point. Did God take me up on my offer? Did I actually ask for this Hell that I live in? If all of this is so, if I am to be an example of Christ to my husband, where is my resurrection? Is it in my hands or in God's? When do I live again?

Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.

It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."

thankful

I wrote this today with every intention of following through. Then I started thinking about all of the events that we have planned to do together and realized that it's hopeless. We have something planned almost every weekend, things that I want to do, things that I want to do with him. I'm pathetic... But I guess I'm glad I thought about that before I actually sent it.

Did you know that, ironically, the time that I have been the happiest in the last 5 years was right after I found out (the first time) about your affair. We had a great month. I felt so connected to you as you opened up and told me how you felt about things, how you felt and your health, and were even telling me about your affair. You couldn't keep your hands off of me and for the first time in years of our marriage I felt desirable and sexy, we had passion and were were emotionally close. I was extremely attracted to your honesty, brutally painful as it was. That was what I wanted from you more than anything in the world- total honesty. That's what I had been asking God for years before.

Then I found out it was all a lie. You never stopped your relationship with her, not for one second. As far as I see it you were crying because you thought you would lose her, not me. You didn't tell me everything. You kept your secrets and didn't even tell me that you were sick and spilling proteins. What I thought that we had when we were first married and I thought had returned to me was never there. That is still what I want- nothing off limits, to be able to talk about absolutely everything, for you to want me like you did that month, before I found out it was really other people you wanted. You gave all of your passion and adventure to strangers, and you gave mine to them right along with it. And then, gee, you wondered why I was always grumpy.

I can't be with you without all those questions surfacing. They come up all the time, and especially when we have sex. Did she do that?, Did you do such and such? How often did you? Was she better? Where did you? When did you? What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Did you last longer for her? Did you ever fight? Did you ever think of me when you were with her? What did you tell them about me? Were you really at work all those nights? What about when you were doing camera shift? When I was in Vegas with my family? Did you in the trailer? Who knew? Was I the first "girlfriend" your friends met? Did they know all along that I was your wife? How did it end? Did she know about the others? The online people? Was she really the first? the only? What did you do on your comp days? Who was prettier? Who was skinnier? Did you moan for her? them? Did you have foreplay, or was "suck my cock" enough to rev her engine? Did you kiss
them, hold them close, touch them, take off their clothes for them? What else did you try for them, besides shoes and stockings? Whose idea was it? Theirs or yours? Do you still want to do that? How did it make you feel? How often did you really listen to that CD? I remember seeing you take it out of your player several times when I got in the truck? How did it make you feel? When did you get it? Did you give her one? several? Was that "your song"? How did they make you feel? All those people? So many questions, even more... no answers. Unresolved and randomly surfacing seeking resolution, without warning.

Songs on the radio, people falling in love on TV, all reflect what you did without me, with others, what doesn't apply to me. Love songs break my heart because they don't apply. No true love, no always, no forever. There can never be an always or forever. That is gone, permanently. You stopped loving me. You loved someone else. There is no forever in that.

The truth is that we live a lie. You don't trust me. You never have and I don't think you ever will. There will always be secrets that are more important to you than I am. For nearly a decade now, the way that we "solve" my problems is that I make them go away. We don't deal with them. We just procrastinate and drag it out until I give up and stop talking about it, except in the sarcastic side notes that escape from me, evidence that it still hurts.

You loved her because you trusted her and she proved to be worthy of that trust. She is far too much of a coward to admit what really happened, loyal to you to the core. She is a better person than I am. You trusted her, still do today, more than me, and rightfully so. She was willing to be with you, even though there was another. She was willing to share you, just to be with you. She will keep your secrets to the grave and I won't be happy until I've unearthed them all. Guess you picked the right lover, wrong wife.

I feel so utterly rejected, untrustworthy, unwanted, undesirable, even hated sometimes. Yes, I know that you love me, but it's not that deep, passionate, magical love. That kind of love requires no walls or boundaries. I know that is partially my fault. It's hard to love a grouch. I feel cherished by you, but I'm sorry, I need more than that. I need your love for me to be deep and brave. You've done dozens of things that make me feel good, loved. But I'm stubborn. None of those things are the things that I have asked for. I'm like that stupid kid who gets something amazing for Christmas, but gets pissed off because it is not what I asked for. I don't get that "melty" feeling anymore. I still love you, but I can't let go of the hurt. It's not about trusting you not to do it again, although I do still get jumpy. It's about the fact that you did it in the first place. I can never get those years of my life back.

For years and years, when you were holding me, you couldn't wait to see what she was going to say, running to your cell phone when you were supposed to be loving me. Sending her messages while you lay in my bed, stood in my living room with me just inches away. You gave those other people all of your attention. You gave them your soul and your secret self, things that you will never let me see. Really, I guess that's what it boils down to... jealousy. There are strangers that know things about you that I am not allowed to ever know. Maybe that's control, I don't know, but I feel left out.

While I was at work missing you horribly, you were off fucking other people (sorry, I mean making love to them). Within moments of having sex with me (because you don't "make love" to me), you were off texting or calling her and others. While we were out on a "date" you would text her while I was in the bathroom. As far as I know, every moment that you were with me, you were thinking about her or what you would do online. Your 4 am romance sessions only came after someone else turned you on, not because I did. Trips to Catalina, not about me... nap time and shower time was talk with your girlfriends time. You have made no effort at all to tell me that any of our life together was not tainted. People make meaning of life out of their memories and you can't give me any to hold onto. You can't even verify if it was 2 days or 3 years that you spent sleeping with her, although, the way it looks to me, it was the latter. If that is something
you "forget", then how many millions of other pertinent pieces of information have you "forgotten". You experimented and were adventurous with strangers, but you take no risk with me. You did things with others that you won't do with me, no matter how many different ways I ask. There's no seduction, no foreplay, no costumes, no openness of soul, no trust, no play, no honesty, with me.

I'm greedy... I want you to talk to me the way that you talked to them. I want you to show me what you showed them. I want you to do to me what you did with them. I want you to share with me what you shared with them. I want you to tell me what they did to you, how they talked to you, what they shared with you. Probably not healthy, but it's what I want. But I have learned that in this world, it doesn't matter what I want. The answer is always "no".

Do you know how stupid I feel that we called the boat the girlfriend because she was the only girlfriend you had, and yet, who knows how many you really did have. Only God does, because you've "forgotten".

I can't live with secrets and living ghosts. I have tried and it just won't go away. I think about what has happened all the time and I can't believe that you never think about it. It was 5 years of my life! How do you just forget how you squandered my life away?! You love your secrets more than me and apparently I do too. You have already shown that you are more than capable of finding someone that can make you more happy than I can, so you can be happy again, without me always reminding you that you're not perfect. You are a good man who made some mistakes. I am just too stupid to let it go. Not your fault. Maybe I'm crazy like my Grandma, maybe I'm bitter like your mom, maybe I'm just an idiot to let the wonderful man that you are slip away because I can't let go of this pain. Who knows? But I can't live this way any more.

Sure, this marriage could be fixed. All things are possible with God's help, but He abandoned me years ago and he's not going to do crap to fix any of this. I hate Him for letting this happen and I don't want to have anything to do with Him. I'm sure you're thinking "free will" but if He can change the Pharoah's heart, then it is possible to affect anyone's decisions. As far as I am concerned, He let this happen and I don't think I will ever forgive Him for it.

After a year of therapy, we still can't talk about anything that matters, about you and I. I feel completely lost and alone. If I have to be alone in this world, then I would just rather be alone. I want to see if this pain goes away when you're not around. I want to see if I miss you when I'm not with you. I want a break. You got a break for 5 years, maybe more, I don't know when this all really started. I know I said I would forgive and move on, but I guess I lied.

Am I afraid of losing you? YES, but I'm afraid of losing myself more right now. I'm not asking you for anything but some space, some time. Even after everything that I've said here, I am not asking for any explanations or answers to anything. You don't owe me anything. I am not making any permanent decisions. I'm not sure where I'll be, Patty's, the boat, Mannette's. I'm not even going to pray that God bring me home again, because that will guarantee that I won't. "Ask and ye shall receive" has turned into "Ask and ye shall receive the opposite" when it comes to God and I.

I am not trying to punish you, you have been absolutely wonderful to me this last year. This is not about you. This about me, how selfish I am, how hard hearted I have become. In all honesty, you and Felicia deserve better than I am. Either I will become better, or you can find another who is. It won't be difficult for you. You are handsome, charming, intelligent, strong, supportive, caring, interesting, talented, sexy, kind, loving, and funny. I'm just an idiot that doesn't deserve your patience.

thankful

Thankful for electricity.

thankful

I am thankful that we do not live in the 1940s, losing tens of thousands of our men to war.

3/29/2010

Another beautiful morning on the boat and of course all i can think about is all the stuff they were too cowardice to admit. I really cant figure out sometimes why i stay. We went to breakfast. When we got back we took the paddleboards out and saw some friends. It was warm and nice then the wind picked up. We hung out for awhile when E came by just a short visit then he headed off on his board. Today was jans baby shower for her daughter. We dinghied over to m & js boat to say hi. Ran into jb. Plans for oklahoma are moving along. They just closed escrow. Were just hanging on the boat and it seems like every song is a fucking love song. I hate love songs! They only remind me of what i dont have. This feeling of not wanting to be somewhere i desparately want to be is going to drive me nuts.

good things

I am adventurous.

thankful

A beautiful harbor night and spring break in 4 days.

thankful

Dinner

3/21/2010

Woke up early with work on the brain. Stayed in bed a little longer though. Went to breakfast

thankful

Today i woke up before 6 am, got up & played with facebook for a while. Handsome called me a couple times. I went back upstairs to him about 7:30

good things

Sunny day on the sailboat

3/13/2010

Woke up about 7, which really sucked since i didn't have to. But i layed in bed until after 8. Heard handsome come in the door and assumed he went for coffee. When i heard him shaking the paint can, i knew i had some more time. So i rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. About 8:15, i was trying to decide if i would get up. Next thing i knew, i was crawling out of bed. I don't even remember deciding to get up. "I guess im getting up now," i said outloud. I actually felt good. Off to the shower. I took a long shower, really hot. For just a few minutes, there were no problems running through my head. Not work, not cheating, not money. After the shower i decided i was going to wear something nice. I just needed to feel good. Handsome was exited to show me all the work hed done while he let me sleep in. A little cuddling on the couch and off to georges for breakfast. My phone started to tweet... a message from my lover. "I want to suck your tits." i must have been looking better. He hasnt come onto me

positives

I have great tits.

Thankful

I am thankful for hot showers!

Experiment 3/7/2010

2:19 pm On the way to Home Depot again. Returning extra grout, shopping for sink strainer, handsome bought a garbage disposal.

2:50 Off to OSH for sink strainer. Home Depot didn't have one we liked. 3:01 stopped for gas along the way.

3:20 All done. Headed for home, saw a rainbow

3:35 Home. Handsome blows a fuse because we were out of bleach. No one told me we were out of bleach so I could buy some more. He asked me to go get some, and of course, I went. It gets me out of the house while he has his tantrum.

4:05 home again. Wiped the haze off the glass tile. Took laundry out of dryer.

4:30 Facebook

Thankful

Thankful for dental insurance. This tooth has fallen out at least 10 times now. I hope the new one stays!