Woke up this morning actually feeling a little normal, but this quickly gave way. Why couldn't he have loved me this way all the time? Is this real? Or is he just acting? Got dressed and ran off to work with the top open on the Jeep. It is such a great feeling to have the sun on my face! I spent some time praying last night. I figure that I am not going to keep my sanity if I don't start having God more in my life. I would like to have a different topic of conversation and thought at some point in my life. I am tired of hurting all the time. Mom says I have to give it time, that I'm grieving the loss of what I thought our marriage was. It's just already been five years of deceit and I just can't seem to let it go in such a short time.
The kids were okay today. Talent show and only two days left of summer school. Just have the one that insists on sleeping. I don't know if he is acting or if his family is really dropping the ball on making sure he sleeps enough.
Workout was good. 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. Helps with the brain function. We had fun just being silly and talking. L. is a very good friend and I am glad to have found her. And she doesn't get seem to get tired of my incessant rantings about my adulterous handsome. She has been a great support and I have needed her.
Had some time for lunch and went online looking for a chat site where maybe I could talk with someone who understands my husband's point a view a little better. Found his beautiful mug on yet another web site. I wasn't surprised, but it just shows the extent of how much time he spent looking for someone else to fill his void.
Time with my student was good. Only one more day with him. He has his MRI tomorrow to see if they can take the stint out and the cancer is gone. I pray that he is truly in remission and that him and his mother can relax a little and enjoy their lives. I suppose in light of a dying child, my pulverized heart is minimal. I have everything I need, just not everything I want.
Talked with my brother and he told me he had a vision of me enveloped in a black cloud with my handsome fading. That seems to be pretty much reflective of our situation right now. It was good talking to him. My baby brother seems to have gathered a great deal of wisdom in his ministry. He kindly informed me that he is not going to allow me to give up on my marriage. That he doesn't believe that God wants divorce and even though he allows for it that it is not in his will. So I have to work on healing. I need to take the mindset that I am not leaving and do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Part of that is that I need to just realize that I am never really going to know what happened until I am dead and all is revealed. The other is that I absolutely HAVE to focus more of my energy on God. He is the only one who can heal my heart and he is the only one that I can truly trust. I can't even trust myself.
It is just going to be hard to learn to trust anything again after being so stupid and gullible for so very, very long. I don't trust him, or myself.
Time to make dinner... and spend some time with my handsome.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Beginnings
Nearly 400 years ago, my ancestors made a journey across the ocean in search of freedom...freedom from persecution of their religious beliefs and from the caste system. They sought a better life for themselves and their families. When they arrived, they had very few political barriers in their life. They had to contend with the physical barriers of the new world and in doing so, community was an important part of their lives. Communities worked together to ensure the survival of all members. They learned to work with tribes and gleaned survival skills. This was a community that did not believe in violence, they didn't even believe in getting angry. Discipline was strictly enforced and God was the center of everything for them.
My first American forefather was an important part in one of these communities, he was a leader and provider in many ways. He was known as a man of integrity, until such day as he had the audacity to question the baptism of infants. I don't wish to discuss the theology of his claims, I bring it up only to discuss the consequences. He was excommunicated from the church, which would be expected. However, he was excommunicated from the community as well.
I feel a connection with this man and his family. Obstacles to his belief were often placed before them, and yet they persevered through their challenges and clung to their beliefs. I believe that the same things that these fathers of mine were seeking have been passed down through hundreds of years of values passing from generation to generation.
More and more pilgrims came to our land, some with peaceful ways, and others with conquering ways. Our nation began to evolve until its journey brought them to the writing of the Declaration of Independence. Men, women and children were again willing to place all they had at risk for the chance at what they believed. What did they believe in, though, and how do we feel about those beliefs still today?
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These ideals were used as a guideline as our Constitution and subsequent laws were established.
By Life, did they mean simply the right to survive or the right to have a life? Certainly today one can argue that most people seem to believe that it is the governments job to provide all of its citizens with a life, ripe with all of their expectations of what that means. But was that the intention? And is my perception of how Americans today interpret this phrase accurate? In either case, does this right in fact extend to all human life - prisoner and fetus? Scientists can determine if and ameoba on Mars is life or not, but that cannot seem to determine whether or not a fetus is alive or a virus. It seems quite baffling to me.
Liberty. What did it mean to have liberty 240 years ago? Was liberty predicated on the freedom of a community or of individuals? Was the liberty of an individual worth the liberty of a community or was it established the other way around?
Pursuit of Happiness. It doesn't appear to me that our ancestors believed that we each had the right to be happy, only the right to try to be happy. I would wonder how our fathers would feel about our victim society that has developed.
I am going to close for now, but I am interested in the discussion of these thoughts and where I will be led in the process. I don't know if I am seeking an answer, but more in search of the journey to a better understanding of what it means to be an American, and subsequently, how that effects being me.
My first American forefather was an important part in one of these communities, he was a leader and provider in many ways. He was known as a man of integrity, until such day as he had the audacity to question the baptism of infants. I don't wish to discuss the theology of his claims, I bring it up only to discuss the consequences. He was excommunicated from the church, which would be expected. However, he was excommunicated from the community as well.
I feel a connection with this man and his family. Obstacles to his belief were often placed before them, and yet they persevered through their challenges and clung to their beliefs. I believe that the same things that these fathers of mine were seeking have been passed down through hundreds of years of values passing from generation to generation.
More and more pilgrims came to our land, some with peaceful ways, and others with conquering ways. Our nation began to evolve until its journey brought them to the writing of the Declaration of Independence. Men, women and children were again willing to place all they had at risk for the chance at what they believed. What did they believe in, though, and how do we feel about those beliefs still today?
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These ideals were used as a guideline as our Constitution and subsequent laws were established.
By Life, did they mean simply the right to survive or the right to have a life? Certainly today one can argue that most people seem to believe that it is the governments job to provide all of its citizens with a life, ripe with all of their expectations of what that means. But was that the intention? And is my perception of how Americans today interpret this phrase accurate? In either case, does this right in fact extend to all human life - prisoner and fetus? Scientists can determine if and ameoba on Mars is life or not, but that cannot seem to determine whether or not a fetus is alive or a virus. It seems quite baffling to me.
Liberty. What did it mean to have liberty 240 years ago? Was liberty predicated on the freedom of a community or of individuals? Was the liberty of an individual worth the liberty of a community or was it established the other way around?
Pursuit of Happiness. It doesn't appear to me that our ancestors believed that we each had the right to be happy, only the right to try to be happy. I would wonder how our fathers would feel about our victim society that has developed.
I am going to close for now, but I am interested in the discussion of these thoughts and where I will be led in the process. I don't know if I am seeking an answer, but more in search of the journey to a better understanding of what it means to be an American, and subsequently, how that effects being me.
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