today's thanks

Today I am thankful for the good memories I was able to recall.

I remembered being out in the ocean with the dolphin...

Playing video games with Precious and Handsome...


1/3/10
I know this is going to sound very odd given what I've written in the past, but I find myself grateful for my husband's hurtful behavior. It's not that I ever thought I was the best person in the world. I always wondered why he didn't leave me. He did a really good job of making me feel inadequate. But this event has helped me to see that I am not so special and totally replacable. I joke with my brother that there is nothing like your husband cheating on you to wipe out any pride you may be harboring.

And my inability to let go and forgive, obsessing on what he did to me has made me see how weak I am. That and my inability to leave my husband when I absolutely think I should. My inability to control my very thoughts has shown me how much I truly need God in my life. He is my strength.

Would I have ever reached this realization had my husband not done smething entirely selfish and idiotic. At the moment, I am grateful for my broken heart. It appears God is always going to use my husband to bring me closer to Him. Whether it be in joy or sorrow, my husband is my path to God.

News...

Yahoo Headline... Tiger loses another sponsor.

I can't help but smile as his life goes down before the eyes of the whole world. That's evil of me, I know. And how contradictory of me is it to wish this man destruction, while I see my husband as just plain stupid and try to put my life back together with him.

I see her beating the shit out of her husband and call her my hero. She was able to act in a way that I wish that I could have, but I became paralyzed. I wish that I had had the presence of mind to wail on my husband. Maybe if I had actually reacted in a different manner, he might have had the respect to stop. Instead, he only saw that he could do what he wanted and it didn't matter if it hurt me. I was too weak and idiotic to do anything about it.

I still am. Here I sit having made the decision to forgive him; too afraid to live my life without him. It's the "Christian" thing to do, right? Sometimes I get damn tired of doing the "right" thing. But I don't think I know how to do any differently, for better or worse.

Recalling good things...

How sad is this, I can't think of one totally good, untarnished moment in our life together. Maybe I should give up.

Good things about me- I'm a good teacher.

Thankful...

What can I be thankful for on this second to last day of 2009? Oh I know! That 2009 is almost over. It has been by far the absolute worst year of my life. I will never, ever be naive enough to say that next year couldn't possibly be worse. I said that last year and boy was I proven wrong. I suppose I am just grateful that I am alive, healthy and still have my things and my job. I couldn't possibly imaging a worse year than this, but I am sure that there is someone or something out there ready to prove me wrong and finally push me over the brink of sanity.

I know it is awful to wish your life away, but thank God this year is over!

Fear

I've been thinking about our marriage a lot today. I so much want to be happy, but I've been realizing that we have never been happy together. I've been going to therapy for 9 years to try to make our marriage better and it just gets worse and worse.

I feel like a blowup doll, a disposable accessory in his life and truth be told I've felt that way for a long time... a very long time. I still feel that way. His priorities are supposed to be mine and whatever I might want is secondary. I am not a priority in his life. He doesn't want me any more, I mean really want me.

I learned today that I am extremely afraid of wanting him again and just being rejected again. The feeling started long before his affair and was just magnified by his infidelities.

I shouldn't have to ask him to want me. He's shown me before what it is like when he does, or maybe I was just the body for his fantasies of other people. If I I have to tell him how to want me, he's not really wanting me.

Perhaps that's what it all comes down to. I am just afraid of being rejected for the 99th time. It started even before we were married. He's told me he wants a divorce at least twice a year for most of our lives, but he never says what he's unhappy with. Then he finally stopped saying he wanted a divorce but started fucking other people.

How am I supposed to trust him, to really open myself up to him again? I can't feel like this any more.

Responding to the News...

Headline on the Drudge Report talks about the issues of the new health care and whether or not the government should pay for any of them. Don't people know that the government pays for abortions now? Of course I disagree with any money of mine being used for that, but it's been going on forever.

One of the thoughts that it brings up is just the inability to define life left to the scientific community. It baffles me that scientists have a criteria for life that they intend to use on other planets, but they can't determine when a human is alive or not.

affirmation

I take care of me!

Monastery

Made a trip to the monastery yesterday. It was a two hour drive, but it was definitely worth it. I want to live my life in God's will, but this mess with my husband has kept me from truly being able to be close to Him. I spent the day with the sisters in prayer and talking with the Abbess. We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation. We talked about how to pray with purpose. She reminded me that I needed to go to confession. "Scrub your conscience clean". It is hard to see the faults of others when we are focused on our own unworthiness. It is also easier to be merciful when we see that we are in need of mercy as well.

Thankful...

Thankful for 70 degree weather in December!

Thankful

Thankful for a good day at work today. All the kids behaved well!

Thankful...

I am having a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for today. After my last post about having a divorced frame of mind made me be here because I want to be, I had some really good days. Then I had some not so great days. I feel undesirable, unwanted, and rejected. Not just over the affair, but our life together. It's not a new feeling. It's how I've felt for years and it is only complicated by the fact that he was willing and able to give another person the kind of attention that I crave. It makes me feel as though we just aren't meant to be together. He's comfortable with me, but I certainly don't feel wanted by him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but I can only try to seduce him and get turned down so many times before I give up. He's always upset about something. How's a person supposed to reduce their stress level when somebody's always bitching about every little thing. All I want to do is sleep. He dealt with his depression by sleeping, too... with someone else. I've thought about that option, too, but all I can think about is all of the predators that are out there that I don't have the capacity at this point to recognize. Besides, who would want this frowny face anyway?

I used to be the kind of person whose base layer was always happy. No matter how hard or sad my life was, I always had this foundation of joy. Now my foundation is misery and I hate it. I hate that he has made me this way. It is said that it's a choice, but it's not.

So what am I thankful for? The fireplace!

Thankful

Thankful today that I have the capacity to express my feelings. One of my first students could barely communicate at all. I am grateful that I have found this outlet of writing, even if it does suck. It has been very helpful in keeping the tiniest portion of my sanity still intact.

divorce

Today I had another thought. What if I were to go ahead and divorce him. Dr. said that he didn't think I should take leaving out as an option, I should always stay because I want to be here, not because I have to. So what if I did divorce him. What if I divided up all the assets and bills and made it so that I could walk out the door at a moment's notice and never even have to turn around. Then he would owe me nothing and I would be responsible for nothing of his. We would both be here just because we want to be. He wouldn't have to explain the shit he put me through because it wouldn't matter anymore. I wouldn't be his wife. I'd just be a roommate and girlfriend. Hell, that's what I've already been for the last four years, might as well make it official. I could leave anytime I wanted and he could tell me he didn't want me at any moment and that would be it. Obviously there is not any commitment in this marriage already. He's already left and cheated and I spend everyday thinking I should get a divorce. So if we do, I would know that I am absolutely here each day because I want to be and he wants me to be. Don't get me wrong, I am not staying because I have to. I could divorce and leave if my heart would make up its mind. I just think by doing the business end, it takes my head out of the equation and my heart can do what it wants. If I have a day where I feel like loving, I can love. If I feel like hating and living on the boat for a week, there's nothing to stop me. I would owe him nothing. For once in my life, I could be the selfish one.

scrapbook

Since Handsome doesn't remember anything at all about our life and I only remember the bad stuff, I thought I would start some scrapbook memories of the good stuff. That way, if I make it another 50 years with this man, I'll actually have something positive to tell people, maybe even grandkids...


Taking out the old 1980's upper kitchen cabinets. Making room for the old...


12/6/09
bmindful.com- affirmation log

I am patient.

Today's thanks...

Today I will focus on just today. The whole "be in the now" concept.

What can I be thankful for today? It's Friday!!

I went to dinner with a friend yesterday that I met during summer school. She was the aide in my class and got to hear the little pieces of my broken life. We ended up making a connection. I am making efforts now in my life when I make a connection to keep that connection. I am grateful for her friendship. We talked about our work. I haven't seen her since July. And we talked about our husbands. She was supportive to me in the summer when we talked and hinted at things that were in her marriage, but it wasn't until yesterday that she told me that her husband had had affairs as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who understood exactly how I feel.

Everything that I deal with she is dealing with as well. The random thoughts. Do I want to know or don't I? Do I really want to stay? Being angry with God because He won't just make me all better. Feeling like staying is the wrong thing to do, but being able to bring ourselves to leave. Wanting to do God's will in our marriages, but having no clue what that is- stay or go. He tells us he doesn't want us to leave, but leaves the door wide open for us to go!

So even though I am so sorry that she is in the same hell that I am, it's nice to not be alone in the fire. I am grateful that she wants my friendship and she isn't just another person who has come and gone in my world.

post therapy

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last two weeks. It seems like I do a lot of thinking. Today, I'm on a more positive upswing. I asked myself if I would like my husband, love him, enjoy him, if he had never cheated. If we could take this horrible thing out of our lives and erase it, would I want to be with him? I have spent so much time thinking about whether or not I can live with what he did that I stopped thinking about him. I haven't stopped loving him or enjoying his company. The only barrier to us being truly happy is my broken heart.

I've been trying to decide if I should just stop thinking about whether or not I should stay. I feel like as long as I leave the door open to give up, it makes it easier to do just that. What if I closed the door on leaving? Dr. says not so good an idea because then I will feel more like I am stuck.

I suppose the truth is that I don't want to give up what could be. Maybe it never will be, but if I leave, it never can be. How can I say that I believe God can heal anything and not even give him the chance? Do I really have faith in Him or do I only have faith in what I can do myself?

I still hate that he has done this to me. I still don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'll be 80 years old and someone will ask me about our lives and I will be very reluctant to tell our story. It's not beautiful anymore. Our marriage is more like a Picasso than a Degas. Far more abstract, needing a special eye to appreciate. Maybe someday it will be a priceless masterpiece. Maybe after I'm dead and gone someone will appreciate our story.

admit that something scares you...

I am afraid. I am afraid that this will never go away. I am afraid that it is not possible to forgive and that I have to leave my husband. It's not fair that he put me in this position. He wasn't the only one that felt that we didn't have a perfect marriage. I tried to make it work. I went to counseling, not him. I didn't give up on us. He did. I don't care how horrible he may think I was to him, I didn't deserve what he did. I have always been able to forgive everyone everything. If I can't forgive this, what does that say about me? My faith?

Thankful...

I am thankful that I seem to be getting my voice back. I realized that my 16 year old self would absolutely hate me because I have given up on every single dream I ever had, or had it taken from me. So I am playing with my voice and seeing what I can do with it.

After about 2 months of lessons, the cobwebs seem to be shaking off. I am regaining some of my range back and am starting to like what I hear again. I am even playing with the idea of performing again. It has been so long since I have been in front of an audience. I was young and stupid then. Now I'm just stupid.

We're talking about recording. I am totally nervous. I haven't recorded my voice in nearly 20 years, and then I was only back up.

The hardest part is choosing a song that means something to me. All the love songs mean shit to me. I find that I am often too mad at God for the Christian choices. And the "Hit the Road Jack" songs don't apply either, cause I'm still here.

I thought about "My Tribute", but I was having some difficulty thinking of "the things He has done for me". Then I realized, He has given me so much, even in this hell I live in. He has been here for me, faithfully. He died for my sins, which are plenty. He has given me gifts that allow me to sing and to care for children that most would not have the patience for. Even when I abandoned Him, he never left my side, even if I felt He had.

I have always started with that song at every new church that I've sung at. Maybe I should start there again. Especially as I sit thinking about my gratitude log...

in progress...

What It's Like for Me

It's a beautiful day
driving in my Jeep
Nothing to fret
got all my bills paid

Turn the radio on
listen to a song
then I start to cry
cause it doesn't apply

It's about true love
a love that never fails
one that lasts forever
without a heart full of nails

If you only knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?


I fucked you hard
Just the way you wanted
'til my heart nearly burst
satisfied us both with a scream

Rolled off in sheer exhaustion
satisfied and happy
then before I could catch it
"Did she do that for you...did you like it better?"

If you knew then
You'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Long day at work
Ready to go home
Can't wait to see you
Maybe play some games

It's been a little while since we've done it
Too many things in the way
Can't find the energy for me
With her was it the same?

If you knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Talkin bout the way
our precious has grown up
not afraid to call you now
when she's had too much to drink

Not any different today
then when I had to pick you up
when you drank too much with Joe.
(If you were really with him)

If you knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Car Chase...

We were on our way home from our fifth trip to Home Depot, trying to get the new upper kitchen cabinets installed. Sitting at a stop light with two cars in front of us. Suddenly the car lurched and we're looking around trying to figure out what happened. When Handsome finally realized we'd been rear ended, he also realized the guy who did it was leaving the site. I fumbled with my cell phone trying to make sure we got the license plate. Once we were sure we got it, we actually thought for a tiny moment that he was just pulling over to exchange info and stuff. Before you know it, he had taken off, zooming down the street.

Handsome took off after him. I called 911 and the next ten minutes of relaying to the dispatch officer what was going on as we followed the guy was crazy. We drove about two miles, then a left. Up the road and then another left. Ah, it's a cul-de-sac! For the first time we both realized that following this guy might not have been a good idea. Handsome may be a peace officer, but he wasn't armed. We found ourselves nose to nose with the guy and thought just for a second that he was going to ram us. Handsome gave him enough berth to be able to get by and then off we were again.

The guy drove into a tiny apartment complex and we relaxed, thinking maybe it might be over. We'd just wait for the police. Nope, he comes out of the driveway, makes a right and off we go again. Then another right. We went another mile and he turns right again. This is where the fun slowed down. We just missed the red light and traffic passed, getting in between us and the other driver. And of course this was one of those days when everyone is driving 20 miles an hour in a 45 zone...

We watched the guy until he finally made another right turn and we couldn't see him any more. The police caught him maybe two miles up the road. We had to ID him and the car. Cop told my handsome the kid would have a DUI, they found meth and a pipe and who knows what else. If this guy is under 18, he's going to have a rude awakening when he goes to court on Monday and the guy he hit is the one that escorts him to the judge. Of course, that wouldn't happen because of procedure, but this kid picked the wrong people. Maybe this will be his wake up call from God...maybe not.

But it was a lot of fun!

Oh, and my Jeep? Just a little scratch, but I'll have it looked at on Monday.

I think Handsome deserves a few days of reprieve from my hell. I'll do my best to make it happen for him.

Thankful...

Today I've been thinking a lot about this crap that we've been going through. If God chooses to use me, I would like to use this horrendous pain that I have been dealt to help to strengthen marriages. Nobody ever tells you that this pain is so devastating. You think people get over affairs all the time, it must not be that bad. Of course it makes you mad, but no one ever tells you it is THIS BAD. If I can somehow help people save their marriages before it ever gets to the point of betrayal, I might actually be a little bit thankful for this nightmare that I have been living. I pray that this desire of mine not be iniquitous and that God provide the avenue and the opportunities, as well as me the wisdom to be able to do this. If he chooses to use a salvaged marriage with Handsome and I, then all the better. If we can get past adultery, the one thing God allows for divorce, then others should be able to get through whatever else is driving their marriage apart and people into unhappiness. Women were made in order to be a wife before there was even sin. God created us man and wife. There was man and wife before there was church. If we are lucky enough to find ourselves in this blessing, it should be the most wonderful thing that we can experience. I want to help others to make their lives the blessing God means for them to have.

Thankful...

I am very thankful to have a friend in my life for the first time that is as kind and supportive as the one I have now. She is a gift from God!

Overreacting

I bought a game to play with Handsome... an erotic game, but it's not just sex stuff. It has other intimate and fun type things to do that I thought might help to enhance our relationship, and maybe our sex life, too. I guess I've spoiled him all these years in that he doesn't seem to think that he needs to turn me on any more. "Can you suck my dick?" or "Can I suck your titties?" is about all the foreplay I get. It's not that I mind those things, but that seems to be the extent of his seduction.

So when I pulled it out just to look at it, he got mad! All he saw was the name and that it was a game. He didn't ask me anything about it, just dismissed it. I had been so excited about it. It is strange, just when I don't think he can hurt me anymore, it appears that he still can. He has NO desire to know what I think.

I told him I thought it would just be something fun to do. When he continued to be rudely against it, without even giving it a chance, of course I responded,"the only thing new you do is other people." and stormed off crying, yet again.

I want a divorce...

affirmation

I am healthy today.

upset

Made an appointment to have someone inspect the furnace because it needed to be done. I found out that there is some serious rust and it needs to be replaced. The guy said that next year, the cost of replacing it goes up significantly because the government is changing the requirements. I let Rodney know, so that he could do some research on the furnace rules and cost. He basically thinks that I am stupid enough to believe someone who is lying to me and that the guy is just trying to get money out of us. I was upset that he thought I was that stupid, but then it dawned on me. Of course he thinks I'm stupid enough to believe his lies... I believed his. Maybe I am stupid and gullible.

scared

I am afraid that I will never forget.. or let go. I'm even more afraid that I don't want to.

11/19/2009

So how has today been? I'm not sure. I woke up feeling like I wish I could just fall into oblivion. I am beginning to believe that I will never be able to forget or to forgive him. The only way that is going to happen will be a miracle from God. Maybe he will use the experience to show his glory, or maybe I'll just slowly adjust to being insane. I don't know. I realized that everything that is bad in my life has the same common element- me. Precious is lazy and discourteous. I raised her, mostly, so... Handsome has four years of being unfaithful, it takes two to make a marriage go wrong. My students are completely out of control, it is my job to maintain their behavior. Finances are out of whack again, I haven't been keeping close track. House is never up to his standards, I'm lazy.

The kids have been better today. Maybe I will too. Right now I need a vacation- from everything. Precious got to be stupid and irresponsible and so did handsome. When is it my turn? After I snap?

Using my anger productively...

How do I use my anger productively? What possible good could come of this situation? The only thing that I can think of at this point is somehow sharing what I have felt, the insanity that has ensued with other people. So, as time goes by, I will try to write my story, how it has affected me, and maybe, just maybe I can influence just one person not to hurt someone else, someone they claim to love. That is the only thing that I believe good can come out of this misery I live now.

How long have I been scuba diving?

I met my husband over 13 years ago and he was an avid scuba diver. He claimed to have over 1600 hours of dive time logged. That didn’t even include the times that he didn’t write down his dives. I was very excited to learn to dive. He was going to teach me, but he wanted to teach my Precious first. It was something he had been raising his daughter to learn and was excited to teach her. I understood and agreed.

When Precious was about 10 years old, he started teaching her to snorkel. They looked so cute in their wet suits swimming out to seal rock. She came back with so many stories about what she saw. Soon, she decided to tackle surfing. She was pretty good at it. Then came the teenage years and she began to dread the effects of salt water on her curly hair. It made her hair frizz and she hated it! So, she was effectively done with water sports.

I decided it was time that I learn to scuba dive, but I was nervous about my sight. We talked about how I could buy prescription goggles, but I worried what I would do if they were knocked off while I was diving. How would I find them since I couldn’t see anything without glasses? Then he decided to buy me laser surgery.

I was so nervous. I decided to go with the company his brother had gone with. The surgery had been so successful that I felt comfortable with them. It was scary. I kind of freaked out on the second eye and the results were not as good as it could have been, but still effective.

I was so excited to be able to look around and see a world without a fuzzy haze on it. I’d been wearing glasses since I was 12. Now it was April of 2005, Spring Break, 32 years old and I couldn’t wait to go diving! I love the water and thought scuba diving would be the best experience in the world.

My husband is not the most patient man and I was very nervous that if I freaked out at all while he was trying to teach me, I’d be done. He would never take me again. So I signed up at Sport Chalet and took the course there. It turned out that it was a good idea, because I did kind of freak out a little, just in the pool course. I was surprised because I have always loved being underwater, as deep as I could get. I’d open my eyes and everything. But this was somehow different, obviously, with a tank strapped to my back and actually trying to breathe and not hold my breath.

We were scheduled to do our beach dive first, but it was rained out. It was November 2005 and we had to reschedule that dive. The second dive was our trip to the island. I had rented and borrowed gear and most of it didn’t fit very well. It was a boat dive. I was looking forward to this since we would be doing most, if not all, of our diving off of our boat.

We geared up as the boat got closer to the island. I made sure I ate one more thing before I jumped in. Found my buddy and we checked each other’s gear. Spit in the mask, rubbed it around on the glass to keep the mask from fogging up and stepped off the platform.

The water was so cold. However, it didn’t take very long for me to adjust to the temperature. There was no guide line to descend. We were all on our own. As I sunk under the water, a mild sense of panic came, but I was brave and overcame quickly. The visibility was 40 feet, which is very unusual. I could see the bottom and everything was good. I have found over time that the only thing that makes diving scary for me is not being able to orient myself to any visual thing.

The swim was so calming. I think it is the most calming experience that I have ever had. Even though my gear was giving me trouble, it just felt so amazing to be under the water, feeling it glide over my “skin”. My feet kept floating away. Precious’ fins were too big for me.

We swam through the kelp and a couple of times, my partner got stuck. He was able to get himself free quickly though. There were Garibaldi and Sheepshead fish, starfish, and snails like the ones in our fish tank, only bigger. I was hooked. I had to do this again!

We dove for about an hour and then it was time to resurface. I ascended hesitantly, yet eager to tell my husband about my dive. It was awesome! I couldn’t wait for the next dive.

The next weekend I woke up early to get to the beach dive. My husband had offered to just drop me off from the boat, but I didn’t want to do it that way. The surf wasn’t bad at all, barely any. I quickly discovered that the button on my BC wasn’t working. The BC is the vest that you fill up with air to help you float in the water. I was going to have to manually inflate my vest throughout the dive. I could do this…

We all walked in and then floated to put our fins on. We swam out a ways to where we were going to drop. My partner had somehow lost one of his weight bags on the beach and couldn’t descend. Luckily, the instructor had extra weights in the buoy.

That settled, it was time to drop down. We followed a guideline to the sandy bottom. The visibility was 40+ feet again! I was a lucky girl. The visibility is never that good there. At the bottom, more drills. We had to take off the BC and put it back on while at the bottom of the ocean. Then we went to swim away.

The sensation of being weightless and swimming under the ocean is still one of my most favorite things in the world. This dive, I had much more control of my buoyancy and didn’t float away quite so often. I feel like I had more control of the BC because I was manually inflating it. We swam through a little cave and along a cliff wall. Schools of tiny fish swam away from us. All kinds of kelp and algae were growing on the rocks. Sea urchin stuck up from the crevices.

Then, yet again, the dive was over before I was ready. We all did an air pressure check and I still had almost 1000 lbs of air left. Lucky for me! One of the instructors swam back with me under water while everyone else surfaced and had to swim back on top. By the time I got to the top of the stairs, most everyone else was already out of their wetsuits. The instructor looked at me funny, though. He laughed as he told me he was discussing whether or not they could find my gills.

My excuse was that I had a steel tank and had more air than everyone else. He said that wasn’t it. I still should’ve used more air than I did. I guess my dad was right all these years. Maybe I am part fish.

11/3/2009

Woke up this morning with the residuals of my migraine left. Stayed in bed as long as I could. the kids did a good job today. Principal came in to tell us that the district wanted to see one of my aides; they'd be considering moving staff around and wanted to talk to her. We weren't happy to hear that. I had to leave them all with a sub while I went to go visit the cardiologist... 2 hours in the waiting room before I got to see the doctor. Front office people always overbook their doctors and when we all show up it's a mess. I even overheard him telling them that they were booking way too many people. Visit went well, though. He said I don't have to go back for two years. Still have the murmur, though, and we would revisit the whether or not I needed to do another ultrasound then. He said I should get more magnesium in my diet to reduce the flutters.

Then I got the message from my aide that they are indeed moving her come Monday. What am I going to do without her? She has been such a support for me in the classroom, and in life. I don't think I could've kept any amount of sanity about me if she hadn't been there to listen to me and keep me fighting for my marriage. I have never had a girl friend I thought I couldn't live without.

Went to my voice lessons. I feel like I am beginning to get some of the strength that I once had back. Supposed to look for a song to sing next week. That's the hard part. There are so many songs out there, how do I pick one to get started with.

When I got home, handsome had tiled another section of the fireplace. I had picked up the fireplace glass on the way home. We went to dinner, nothing fancy- El Pollo Loco, then the grocery store. Now I am playing with the computer and he is working on the tile layout.

Today is one of those days that I feel really good, almost normal. He is finally the loving, romantic, husband that I married and then disappeared for a while. Maybe he needed to break my heart before he could learn how to love. Maybe we would never have been happy without him trying to destroy us all. It just really sucks that he had to drive me to the brink of insanity in order to see how much I mean to him. I wish he could've appreciated me without pulverizing my heart into tiny pieces. But today is a day I feel like I almost don't even care about what he did, almost.

poem

We had a true love story
Not the usual one, but one I loved to tell
Everyday, we spent every moment together
Just couldn't get enough, had to make it permanent

One glass block at a time,
Boxed me inside, taking everything I had
I gave it all freely, but didn't know the price
As I watched you from inside
Couldn't reach you anymore.

She understood you.
But you never gave me the chance.
You couldn't give up her jokes.
What's so funny 'bout my shattered heart?

Year after year, you put her before me.
My needs didn't register, you were selfish to the core.
I needed you desperately, but you needed your whore.
I was dying a slow death, while you found new life in her.

You didn't love me, not the way you should've done.
Now I'm just supposed to forget?
Tell me how do I get back to happiness.
When do I find again a love story I'm not ashamed to tell?

I gave you my heart, even more, I gave you my soul.
You're still holding them, I can't seem to let you go.
Do people really get over this?
I've never known such pain, such pain and emptiness.

How I still love you is a mystery to me.
A testament to me that God is still in my heart.
You say that you love me, she was just a stupid mistake.
You told her you loved her, too. What do I believe?

Where do I go from here?
How do I live again?
Do I give you one more chance?
Or should we be forever friends?

affirmation

I surrender to whatever the powers-that-be (whether it is God, the universe, my higher self, my deeper self) decide to do with me.

10/31/09
Thankful...
I am thankful that even when I abandon God, He does not abandon me.

thankful...

I am thankful for God. He has shown me that I might actually achieve peace of mind and perhaps even joy again.

afraid

I am more afraid today, right now, than I have ever been that we are indeed done, over.

PISSED OFF!!!

I thought things were going to be better, but he still has absolutely no intention of being transparent. He got an e-mail from her today and refused to let me read it, deleting in front of me. I just might be done. This relationship is always going to be about what HE wants and is willing to give. It is never going to have any inkling of what I want. I told him when I first found out about his affair almost 4 years ago that I was to know about ALL communications. He's just a liar and justifies keeping secrets. I can't live like this any more. He is so afraid that I am wasting his life going over and over this, maybe I should just stop wasting his life and let him move on. I'm tired! If he's still hiding these things, what else is he hiding?

10/25/2009

Today was a pretty good day. It started at about 4am as I awoke with the usual issues running through my head. As I got out of bed to try to divert my thoughts to something more productive, my handsome woke, asking if I was okay. I was brave enough to say no and he offered to listen. I felt that it was a productive conversation and I was able to relax and fall back to sleep.

When the alarm went off for me to go to church, I rolled over and went back to sleep with being awake at 4 being my excuse not to go. It's no wonder God ain't helping me much. I have every excuse in the world not to go to church.

We got up around 9 and decided we'd go get breakfast. Then off to go sailing... Oh, it was a beautiful day! There was just a light breeze. We followed our friend out in his boat. I actually pulled the boat out of the slip, and this time I didn't end up backwards in the slip. Handsome had to help me a little with the throttle, but I still did it. We sailed a little more than 3 miles out and actually passed up a boat or two. It was an awesome day. Our friend actually passed a bottle of tattoo and diet from his boat to ours. It was fun.

There was a huge pod of Rizo dolphin out. I've never seen them so playful. Usually they are so business oriented, just sticking to their path. But these were splashing and surfing and actually came up to our boat. It always amazes me to see these beautiful creatures.

We only had a little trouble pulling in the main, but he did a great job pulling in the jib. Now we know what all the lines go to. Slowly we'll actually learn what we are doing.

I tried to pull it in the slip, but had to abandon and let him do it when I almost got the stern too close to another boat. Someday I'll get it.

Handsome barbecued some chicken after he hosed down the boat. Still haven't narrowed down where the leak is yet. Then it was nap time. I love nap time. Especially when it turns into rocking the boat. After 13 years, I still love making love to him. He never fails. When he wants me, it is always good!

Then it was time to clean up and go home. We like going home now. It is actually comfortable. A simple, low event day, but fabulous. I didn't have hardly any thoughts of running away or jumping into the ocean.

Thankful...

The most comfortable bed I have ever had!

Affirmation...

My body is healthy. My mind is pure. My spirit soars.

Upset...

So why am I upset today? What is it about not getting the details that I want that I find so absolutely disturbing? Am I jealous that he got to go out and play and have fun while I was left behind? Yep. But that's not it. Dr. says I won't be satisfied with knowing. I'm not satisfied now. The difference is that for once, what I want is what I'd be getting. Not what handsome feels like giving. And I would know that I have a husband that respects me enough to be honest with me and not lie to my face. How am I supposed to believe that he is telling me the truth now if he can't tell me the truth about something he did four years ago?

He had passion and excitement and obsession for someone else. He has no passion or excitement or obsession about me. He's happy with going back to where we were before he had his midlife crisis. I'm not. I want more. So I'm important to him. I get that. But I'm not important enough for him to listen to me or be honest with me or give me what I want. So yet again, he gets everything and I get the shut up and take it. I can't settle for that. I want more. If I have to be alone in this world, I'll just be alone. Why should I pretend there is more with him when there isn't. He doesn't want there to be more. He is content with what we have- me, all alone, for whatever he feels like giving.

He has no desire to know what I think or how I really feel. If he did, he would have read this blog. But he won't. He can't hold my bucket. It's too big for him. He only likes easy. I don't know where to go, other than oblivion. I desire nothing, for what I desire I am always asked to give up. If I don't want anything anymore, I won't have to give anything else up.

So then begs the question...have I stopped wanting him? No.


10/17/09
So after a little more than 24 hours alone, have I figured anything out? Maybe. I see it as this. Either I have lost my mind and ability to perceive truth and reality or he is a big fat liar. If its the 1st, then I will acquiesce to him, find myself a good mood stabilizer and go home. If its the latter, then I stay right here until I have the answers that I need. I'll even ask him if he thinks I will ever be happy while I have questions. He's said it before and I've never argued with him about it. He knows that I won't.

So, today I wake up on the boat, no further than we were 6 months ago. Is that my fault? Yes, I started this as a quest for the truth and I am not going to be satisfied without it.

I went for a walk around the harbor. I thought, as I have may times, he only gives me what he wants to give me, not what I want. He wants me to be happy and proud of him again. How can I be proud of him when I know he's a big fat cheating liar with no respect for his wife. what's to be proud of. The argument is that it's in the past, but it's not. He's still lying now and I can't respect that.

Took a shower, cautiously. I didn't have any flip flops, but I needed a shower so bad. Feel better.

Not hungry and that cold they have is finally catching me. Got a smoothie, though. I guess I'm not completely crazy.

NOT FAIR!

So I am on the verge of running away from home. Why? Cause I want to. I can't deal with this hurt any more. I can't deal with not understanding and not getting answers and it looks as if I am never going to get them. It is not fair that he got to run around and have fun and play and find out what he liked and didn't like with other people while I got yelled at for not having the fucking laundry done! Where the hell is my fun? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! Where is my experimenting with new sex positions and exploring the meaning of my life?

I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to fucking die because this pain will never ever ever ever go away and there is nothing I can God damn do about it and I hate that he did this to me and he doesn't even have to fucking explain himself. He doesn't even have to do anything. He just gets away with it.

I'm done. I can't talk about the way that I feel with those that matter and when I can, it is some how relegated to irrelevant or wrong. Again, I don't want to be here anymore. I wish that I would just die of a fucking heart attack in my sleep and be done with all of this. I hate that I can't leave and that I can't stay.

I hate God for letting this happen to me. There, I said it. I hate God. Are you happy God? Now the enemy wins. I know that I am responsible for my own actions and blah blah blah, but I trusted you! I trusted you unconditionally and this is what I get in return? Maybe I wasn't as obedient as you would have asked, but I loved you and did I really deserve this? I can't see how anything that I did was so deserving of this. I know that lots of people don't deserve the pain that you allow them to have in their lives. Christ didn't deserve to be crucified, but at least he had knowledge of what he was getting into and was given a choice. If I had known this was coming, I would have run the other way. I don't understand your ways. I don't have your peace. And I don't want it if this is what I have to endure. I don't have the strength of martyrs and saints to withstand the pain that you give out. You have to fix this!!!!!! You let this happen and now you have to fix it.

102 Things to be thankful for...

The ones that apply today are in bold.


A beautiful song
A comfortable chair
A cool breeze
A drink of cool water
A full moon
A gentle rain
A glass of cold milk
A good book to read
A good coat
A good husband
A good pillow
A good wife
A scenic drive
Air conditioning
Banana splits
Beaches in the morning
Beautiful women
Birds singing
Blue jeans
Brothers
Butterflies
Butterfly kisses
Ceiling fans
Children laughing
Christmas morning
Clothes that fit well
Comfortable shoes
Compliments
Computers that work
Cooing Babies
Cream Brule
Dark Chocolate
Dishwashers
Diversity
Dried pineapple slices
Fairness
Crackling fire in a fireplace
Flowers
Freedom of religion
Freedom of speech
Fresh ideas
Friendly dogs
Good conversation
Good eyesight
Good friends
Good health
Good movies
Good teachers
Good tires
Grace
Grandchildren
Grandma
Grandpa
Hair spray
High-speed Internet access
Holding hands
Homemade ice cream
Honest people
Hugs
Ice cubes
Indoor plumbing
Kind men
Kittens
Laughter
Live Christmas trees
Morning coffee
Parking spaces near the front
Peanut butter
Plenty of closet space
Polyester
Polite drivers
Porch swings
Pregnant women
Puppies
Quiet mornings
Rainbows
Remote Controls
Roasted peanuts
Shade trees
Silk pajamas
Sisters
Smiles
Snow covered mountains
Snowflakes
Soft toilet paper
Sunrises
Sunsets
Thanksgiving dinner
That I wasn't in the obituaries today
The color of autumn leaves
The ocean
The smell of a Sunday roast cooking
The smell of homemade bread
The words "I love you"
Tire swings
True friends
Uninterrupted dinners
Warm kisses
Warm showers
Whipped cream
White puffy clouds
Wrinkle-free clothes

10/12/2009

Today was a difficult day for me. I made it through the work part of the day well, no problems. But then when I got home, everything that I did was the wrong thing. Precious and Handsome had an argument for every thing that I said. Even when he would solicit opinion, it was wrong before I even finished a sentence. I just don't have the energy to be constantly condescended to. I understand he doesn't feel well, but I just get shit on and we never talk about the problem.



Got new carpet today. It is fabulous!

Today's gratitude

What am I thankful for today? I can see. I can walk. I'm still breathing. I get to go see the psychologist this week. I was able to pay all my bills this month! I have awesome, supportive friends. That website I found is helping me to sort out some of my feelings. It doesn't completely eradicate his responsibility in my healing, but it is helping me to better understand, and maybe prepare me better for what I might hear.

It just hit me!

I just had a brain storm. I've been reading the tvexplorer web page and as difficult as it is, it has definitely been helping. I don't know why I have been so incessantly obsessing on finding the truth. Then I was reading their blog about what will it be like in 10 years, just as boring? That's when it hit me. I am not afraid that he will cheat again. I am afraid that our marriage will be as empty as it was before he cheated. He will still lock me out of thought and heart and I will again shut down and dead comes just after that.

Wondering...

I was wondering what it was that they talked about. Tens of thousands of hours of documented conversation, that's just what is proven. What did they talk about?

Helping me...

tvexplorer.wordpress.com

10/5/2009

Well, today's the birthday. Fairly uneventful. But right now, I like it that way. Things have been so wrong for so long, I like calm. The kids were good today, that was their present to me. I did, however, spend quite a bit of the day brooding about how fricking depressed I am. I am not sure if it just hormonal or if it is just part of the grief cycle. I wish there was some way that I could neutralize the roller coaster of being a woman enough to be able to determine what part of my issues are of their own. It is so strange how as soon as I hear his voice, I forget I'm pissed off. I'm not pretending. I genuinely love hearing his voice. Maybe my time alone will make me miss him so much that it won't matter how much of a liar he really is. I don't know; we'll see.

I got a beautiful little bracelet from my friend and aide. She has been the best support for me in all of this and I thank God for her patience. Even when I don't feel like talking about how I feel, she can tell when I'm upset and manages to pull it out of me. It's therapeutic. Sometimes I think my cousin got it right when she fell in love with a woman.

I got my usual bouquet from Mom and Dad. This one was really beautiful. Complete with Lilies and carnations...my two favorite. Carnations because they seem to live the longest as cut flowers and lilies because of their intoxicating aroma. Dad has been sending me flowers ever since I was 16 and he was in Panama. It's the only time every year that I get flowers from anyone, and I love it. It has lifted a bit of the funk off. Precious always remembers it's my birthday when she sees the flowers. That helps me feel better, too.

Thankful...

Today I am thankful that my students have not had any major behavior issues. I am thankful for my friends who continue to listen to me vent over the same issue over and over again for months on end.


Upset...
This morning as I woke, everything that I had read came flooding to mind. I've had to postpone my emotions as this case finishes, but now it's over and between two months of managing until I can spill with the counselor and PMS encroaching + work stress, I'm not sure I can hold on for two more weeks. But I don't want to deal with what I feel is still deception without a witness anymore. All the stories that I've read of women healing have come from those whose husbands come completely clean. He just doesn't realize that all of his secrets will mess everything up as long as the stay secrets. He will never trust in my love as long as he can think "If she knew I did that, she wouldn't love me." He's never trusted me and I have't earned that mistrust. But I've found myself thinking that I don't want that witch to have the right to destroy my life. She is not a good enough of a person to have the power to take my life from me, and yet, I'm giving her that power. He gave her the power to destroy not only my life, but my very being. I will NEVER be the same person again. I am permanently changed. I need some time alone to figure out who I've become, without having to take care of other people.

9/29/2009

So what is going on today? Morning was fine and uneventful. Took myself to work where the kids were mostly behaving. Wonderful tantrum with MO, but she eventually got it together. She decided she'd work for skittles. We'll see if it works. Principal came in and everyone seemed to be on task. We'll see what comments I get from her.

Today I have my voice lessons again. I think I get to sing something besides vocaleze. We'll see. I am beginning to feel empty again. I don't know if that is how I really feel or if PMS is taking over the roller coaster. I am so ready to just fall asleep and be done. But for now, I'll enjoy my sweet students and what life offers.

Upset...

Write down what upsets you...

I don't seem to feel all that upset today. Perhaps it is because I am in a flight pattern until the court stuff is over, or maybe things just don't bother me as much.

I do need to address, with the counselor, the difference in philosophies that my handsome and I seem to have concerning what honesty is and what it's purpose is in life, but that can't be dealt with now.

I need some time alone, and one half day just isn't going to cut it.

Thankful today

Yesterday I learned that my great-aunt fell and broke her ankle. Due to complications from her diabetes, surgery is necessary but not possible. So she is stuck in a nursing home until it can be fixed. I am thankful that this is the worst that she had to encounter. She has always been very special to me.

9/26/09
My precious is 21 today! I am grateful that she is healthy and for the most part, happy.

9/21/2009

Today was actually a good day in a series of a few good days. I didn't want to wake up, but it is Monday. Once I got going and got to work, things seemed to go pretty good. The kids were fairly good today with only one incident from my youngest. Her pencil was the wrong color, so she through a nice little tantrum. Things seem to be going better with my colleagues as I think they are better understanding that I am not purposely trying to make their lives more difficult.

After work, I got my tooth put back in. The wait time at the dentist is always way too long.

Once I got home, handsome was not too long to come home. It is funny that no matter how obsessed and depressed I might be, as soon as I hear his voice, I forget how much I still hurt. I feel like I am a total schizophrenic. We went to get some clothes for him to wear to court and got dinner. I had a chocolate shake... yummy. Isn't dental work fun? Home Depot called and our kitchen cabinets are in, so we'll go get those tomorrow.

Now, we are just chillin and doing laundry, watching TV.

I feel as though we have gone from Buttercup and Wesley to Golda and Tevya. There's lots of love, but it's different now.

struggling...

So I am still struggling. Some of the facts and his explanations just don't make sense. I feel as though I am put in a place where I lose no matter what. In one way, I lose my life and everything I have grown to enjoy. On the other hand, I have to live with lies and secrets when honesty is the thing that I have always valued the most in my life. I would end up losing myself. I guess when I put it that way, it is better to lose my life than myself, but am I really prepared for the consequences of such a decision. We go to see the counselor on Thursday and I am hopeful that he will help me to see if I am crazy or if my husband is just a big fat liar. At this point, I don't think that I will ever be able to trust him or believe him. I have given him so very many chances to be true and if he still can't do it, we just might be done. I really don't think that I can live with secrets. Then I get so confused. I love spending time with him and being with him. But I constantly question whether it is real and how long it can last. What happens when the guilt wears off? Then what?
I've learned that I have a hard time getting angry because I don't like being out of control of myself and I feel out of control when I get mad. So instead I just stop feeling, which is in actuality a lack of control. I give up what I want and submit to everyone else's opinion and desires.
I need some time alone.

attempt at story

The rain pounded on the windshield. Lily could barely see through the speeding wiper blades, squinting to make out the road lines in the dark. She was so far out in the country, she just kept praying that God would get her home safely. It was just a family get together, but she hadn't seen her family in a long time.

There was no one on the road and no street lights. She looked down at the speedometer and noticed the temperature gauge had risen too high. How long has that been like that? She had been concentrating on the road so closely, she hadn't noticed the rise. She spied a spot on the road where she could pull over and let it cool down. How does an engine get that hot in the pouring rain? She sat for about 15 and decided to try to move on. She turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. She tried again and again, but the engine just wouldn't start. She began to calculate in her mind how long it would take AAA to get there and grabbed her phone. She dug through her purse for the membership card, a difficult task in the dark. She dialed the number and got nothing. Looking at the screen of her phone, Damn, no reception. Now what! It's pouring down rain, the car won't start and she miles from any town with no reception. She remembered she had stopped in front of a farm. Visions of every horror movie began to flash through her mind. She didn't have any other choice. There's not a lot of traffic around here. Maybe they'll have a phone she could use.

She sat for what seemed hours going back and forth in her head to see if she had any other options. Finally, she flung open the door and bolted to the porch through the pelting raindrops stinging her skin and rung the doorbell. Oh, this is so stupid. Just as she was about to turn around and give up, the door opened. Oh my goodness! She couldn't believe her eyes. Out here in the middle of nowhere it was him, an old friend from a very long time ago. And did he look good. Ryan was standing in the doorway with a pair of jeans on and nothing else. He was very well chiseled. And then a smile as he recognized her, too.

He quickly beckoned her in out of the rain. As she stood dripping in the foyer, he ran off to get her a towel. When he came back, she wrapped th towel around her and then proceded to try to dry herself off.

What finds you at my doorstep? She told him the story and managed to ask him if she could use her phone to call a mechanic or a tow truck. He scrunched his face up as he explained times had been tough out there and the phone was out.

Why don't you take some time to dry off. I'll get you a change of clothes and then I can take you into town and see if you can get any help.

He stood shivering and nodded her head in agreement.

"That works. We can catch up a little."

If you'd like, you can take a nice hot shower to get the chill off.

Perfect.

He led her up the stairs to a modest bathroom and showed her where the towels were. As she started the shower running, her came bag with a men's collared shirt, some clean boxers, and a pair of sweat pants, then pivoted out of the room closing the door behind him.

Her mind raced. It had been years since she had seen him. She thought about all the fantasies she had of him, but never had the courage to say anything to him. What a strange coincidence this all seemed.

She allowed the hot water to cascade over her body, warming up the bones that had chilled inside her. What had he been up to and how had he ended up out here? Suddenly the water was freezing. She squealed from the cold, jumping out of the shower simultaneously turning it off. She had bee quick enough to not end up right back where she started... freezing. She picked up the towel and began to dry herself off, absentmindedly dressing in the clothes he had left for her. She decided just to wear the shirt. It nearly went to her knees anyway and the sweats were just too big.

When she got back down stairs, he had made her a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate. They sat down at the island in his kitchen. She was finally able to relay the whole story that landed him on his doorstep. Then she inquired as to how he ended up so far out of town.

His father had passed away and left him the farm. Even though he couldn't really run it properly, he couldn't bring himself to let it go after his father had worked his whole life for it. He had done well in business and was able to keep the farm above water, just. That's why there's no phone. He was alone here, but he liked the solitude. He told her he'd look at the car in the morning, if it stopped raining long enough. Otherwise, he'd drive her into the nearest town so she could call her family and make sure they weren't too worried.

With that all settled, they began talking about their lives together and what had happened in their lives since they parted so long ago. It seemed like time had barely passed, but she found herself beginning to yawn. Looking at the clock, she discovered it was 4 o'clock in the morning! Perhaps I should show you to the guest room.

He led her up the stairs to a bedroom sparsely, but comfortably decorated. Perhaps his sister had had a hand in the decorating, or an old girlfriend? He lingered at the doorway as they were saying goodnight. The electricity between them was buzzing, but she hesitated. Their eyes finally managed to lock, their breathing slowed and deepened. He slipped his hand behind her neck as he gently pressed his lips to hers. She felt herself breathe him in as he separated. Looking at her again for some indication if he had overstepped his bounds, acceptance was evident as her eyes lit up, even in the darkness of the hallway.

She slid her arms around his waist as she stepped into his descending kiss. His hand slipped into the small of her back, gently pulling her close to him. This gentle kiss intensified as their tongues began to dance together, flicking and rolling. She felt waves rise through her body, up her spine and into her head, escaping as a passionate exhale as she melted into his chest. They stood there in the doorway, contentedly tasting each other for minutes, their hands caressing each other.

Suddenly, he stopped. In her confusion she pulled away, looking into his eyes. They looked so hungry, but why had he stopped. He looked past her to the bedroom, questioning what she was ready for. Her hand lowered to his and she led him into the room in answer. They stopped at the edge of the bed. He leaned in, licking at her lips. His kisses slid to her neck as his hands began to slide up the side of her body, landing on the top button of the shirt he had provided her. The sensation through her body as he kissed her neck began to arouse a feeling inside her she had never experienced before. She was taken by surprise at the sensation that she was feeling, chasing her to inhale the pleasure.

He had freed each of the buttons from their harness with surprising delicacy for a man. His hands slid into the shirt and around her waist, feeling her soft skin as he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in close. His kisses intensified, his hands brushing her skin so lightly, as if her were almost afraid to touch her. Her hands glided to his belt, as she effortlessly loosened the buckle, their lips never parting. His blue eyes seemed to drink her in.

In response to her invitation, he swept the shirt off of her shoulders. Then he stepped away, pulling off his T-shirt, revealing the strength his body had attained from farm work. His eyes never left her body, drinking in the vision he had before him, becoming intoxicated with the sight. She reached for the buttons on his 501s, and as she did so, he resumed nibbling on her neck.

Still standing next to the bed, completely disrobed, they began to explore each other's figures, caressing so lightly one another's skin with the lightest touch, awakening every nerve in their body. His hand kneaded her breast. Her hand found him engorged.

He directed her onto the bed. As she lay, he watched her supple body, and her breasts rising with her breath. She became confused as he walked to the foot of the bed, then his hands slid from her feet, halfway up her legs. He leaned over, proceeding to kiss her feet. Her ankles, the inside of her calf. It was torturous, and yet exquisite. He seemed to not miss an inch of her body, sliding his hands over her body as his lips tasted every part of her.

He continued to work his way up her thighs and she felt herself dripping from the anticipation of where he would go next. He bypassed her sex, indulging himself on her abdomen, his hands caressing her breasts. She couldn't believe the anticipation that built up in her as he neared her enough for her to kiss him yet again. As he climbed up the bed, she felt different parts of him, his legs, his abdomen, his penis, brushing against her skin. She was caught up between the sensation of his touch and the anticipation of what was to become. He was certainly not in any hurry. He arrived at her breasts and began to nibble on her nipple, sucking and licking.

His hand meandered down her stomach to her dripping anticipation. She placed her hands in his hair and on his shoulder, as his fingers found what they were looking for. He gently began to trace circles on her clitoris and lay beside her placing kisses on her lips as his fingers played in her other lips. A moan escaped her as his fingers glided inside her, his kisses on her lips and she felt the strength of his body and his erection along the side of her.

She reached for his throbbing manhood, but he pushed her away, kissing down the front of her ever so slowly, until his lips reached where his hands had been playing. He began to kiss and lick her. She couldn't believe the feeling. She had never been touched in such a way. Gently sucking on her clitoris as his fingers probed her vagina she sighed and moaned and didn't think that she could stand much more.

She wanted to feel him close to her, deep inside her. As if reading her mind, he began his ascent to her, kissing her neck, ears, lips, deeply. Rolling over above her, he nudged her knees open and gently plunged himself deep inside of her. Her body rose to meet him, and she wrapped her arms around him. His kiss intensified even more as he made love to her, close and deep; in and out. He had grown so large and fit inside of her perfectly. The time that he had taken with her to prepare her for this moment of ecstasy led her to a height she had never imagined could be possible. He took his time with her.

He lowered himself down on her, entwining their legs and his arms around her, rolling them both over. She found herself on the top, bodies almost meshed together, eyes meeting. She continued with the rhythm he had begun, slow and deep, not wasting a moment. His hands touched her and meandered all over her body, waist, buttocks, up her sides to her breasts, lifting her off of him in an arch. The feeling inside of her intensified and she felt herself pushing him in deeper with each thrust.

The feeling was amazing! She hoped it would never end and at the same time felt as though she couldn't wait any longer. His hands gripped her tighter and he thrust himself deep and hard inside her. She knew what was next. She couldn't hold herself back any longer, arching herself back, rocking into his motion, cries of ecstasy escaped from them both.

She was afraid to move, afraid she would lose this amazing feeling. Their eyes met and exhausted smiles spread across their faces. He brought her down to him, not removing himself from inside her, holding her close to him, caressing her back.

She struggled to hold herself up, not to crush him, but the tension in her body was leaving her and reluctantly she allowed herself to roll to his side, sighing as he exited her body. In this position, she found herself still in the morning when the sun rose, waking with such contentedness in his arms.

As the sun poured in, the reality of what she needed to do came to her. She began to stir, not wanting her family to worry any longer. As she began to get out of bed, he let out a sigh, smiling at her a lazy smile. It was hard for her to believe how torrential the downpour had been last night as she looked out the window at the beautiful day.

Not too hurriedly, the two of them dressed and ate a small meal. Her clothes had been dried in the dryer and she was able to wear her own clothes. They went out, squishing through the mud to the car where she opened up the hood for him to take a look. After about an hour of him tweaking and "try it now," they decided it was best to get a mechanic. She grabbed her purse and her phone and they set off to look for a signal and a mechanic. Her phone had died overnight, of course, so she would have to wait until they got into town.

The ride was pleasant, but quiet. They both seemed to have a million things running through their heads. After a while, she reached over and turned on the radio just to break up the silence. When they arrived in town, she found a phone while he went to talk with the mechanic.

As expected, her mother was totally on edge when she called. But relieved. She told her mom she had stumbled on a friend and was fine. She'd keep her up to date about the car. She was sorry she'd miss the family, but tell everyone that she loved them and sends kisses.

She walked over to the garage, where the mechanic told her he would come out with his work truck as soon as he was able to get away. Her new found host decided to give her a little tour of the town.

There wasn't much to the town. It was quaint, and many of the buildings looked as though they were early 1900's. There were no department stores. All of the stores were locally owned. It was a pleasant morning, but they soon decided to see if the mechanic was ready to go out to the farm. When they got back to the garage, he was just finishing up on a job and about to head out. They left for the farm. The drive seemed shorter, and the work truck shortly rumbled up behind them.

The mechanic spent about an hour trying this and that. Nothing worked. He decided he needed to take it back to the shop to really figure out what the issue was.

Her host offered to let her stay with him, unless she preferred to go into town and stay at the inn. Her only concern was that she wouldn't be able to call her mom and update her.

Not a problem, miss. I've got one of those satellite phones. You can call your mom before I go.

An asking smile and she acquiesced to stay at the farm. She welcomed the opportunity to return the favor he had paid her the night before.

A brief conversation with her mom, she didn't want to spend too much time, not knowing what the charges would be for the call. Everything was okay and she probably wouldn't call again until the car was running.

One last concern, though. How would she know what he finds out about the car? "I need to go into town again tomorrow. "I've got some errands to run. We'll check in," offered Ryan.

So it was settled. An unspecified amount of time with an old friend. She didn't have to be anywhere for months, so there was no hurry to be anywhere.

She watched with nervous anticipation as the mechanic hitched up the car and drove away. They stood there on the roadside for a few minutes, not really knowing where to go next.

Soon, he remembered, he had chores to do. "Would you like to help?" Sure, Why not?

Thankful today...

What am I thankful for today? I am thankful for my God and that he loves me. I am thankful that I have a job, a home and healthy body. I am thankful that I have parents that love and support me always. I am grateful for good therapists and great friends.

9/20/09
Today is a beautiful day! This I am thankful for and that I get to enjoy it. I am grateful for my health and that all my family is well. I am thankful that I can see this beautiful day and feel the warmth. I am thankful that I can go paddleboard and get a little more healthy. I am glad that God loves me and that he He is with me in all things, even if I'm not always sure what He is doing or expects of me. I am thankful that my precious is well and that I have friends that I care about.

9/8/2009

Today was a good day. Students were pretty good. Just a small incident with the third grader hitting me. She'll calm down, though. I took a voice lesson today. It felt good to sing, but oh my is my voice out of shape! I strained so much. I had fun though and I look forward to doing it again.

9/1/2009

Did he ever tell her he didn't love me anymore? Did he tell her he'd leave me? These were my waking thoughts this morning, too late to discuss it. I had to get ready for work. I managed to shake it from my head pretty quickly as I started planning out my day. Today is the first day for students and was hopeful it would go well.

And it has. There have, so far, only been a few incidents of students shutting down, but they managed to rally back to life fairly quickly. It has been a good day, to this point. We jumped right into the schedule since they were mostly all my same students. The more of a head start that I get on getting them going, the better for them all around.

I go to see Fr. Steven this afternoon. We'll see if he can help me find the road back to Nineveh...

Thankful...

Today is our anniversary and I am thankful that we have gotten through it without an argument, threat of divorce, or another woman. I am grateful that we are healthy and have our home. I am thankful that God has not abandoned me.

Today's prayer...

Help me, O God, to put off all pretences and to find my true self.

Help me, O God, to discard all false pictures of thee, whatever the cost to my comfort.

Help me, O God, to let go all my problems, and fix my mind on thee.

Help me, O God, to see my own sins, never to judge my neighbor and may the glory be all thine.

O Lord, I know not what to ask of thee; thou alone knowest what are my true needs. Thou lovest me more than I know how to love myself. Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me. I dare not ask either a cross or consolation. I can only wait on thee. My heart is open to thee. Visit and help me for thy great mercy's sake, strike me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. I worship in silence thy holy will and thine inscrutable ways. I offer myself as a sacrifice to thee. I have no other desire than to fulfill thy will. (and that which I do desire differently, help me to overcome) Teach me how to pray, pray thou thyself in me.

Lord Jesus Christ, by Your presence You blessed the wedding in Cana and showed us that You are the true priest of mystical and pure marriage. We thank You for the day on which by Your heavenly blessing You joined us in the sacrament of marriage (even with all the pain that we have caused each other). Lord, continue to bless and enrich our marrieage in love companionship, mutual support, oneness of heart and progress in faith and life. Protect our holy wed-lock from sin, evil and danger. Nurture between us the spirit of understanding, the spirit of forgiveness, and the spirit of peace, that no resentment, quarrel or other problem may cause us to stumble and fall. Grant us to see our own faults and not to judge each other. Keep our bond of love always new. Gladden our lives with the joys of marriage that with one heart we may praise and glorify You. Amen.

O God, our heavenly Father, who loves mankind and are a merciful and compassionate God, have mercy upon your servant, George, for whom I humbly pray to You to care for and protect. O God, be his guide and guardian in all his endeavors, lead him in the path of Your truth, and draw him nearer to You, so that he may lead a godly and righteous life in Your love as he does Your will in all things. Give him Your grace, and mercy so that he may be patient, hard working, tireless, devout and charitable. Defend him against the assaults of the enemy, and grant him wisdom and strength to resist all temptation and corruption, and direct him in the way of Salvation through the goodness of Your son, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the prayers of His Holy Mother and the blessed saints.

O God, our heavenly Father, who loves mankind and are a merciful and compassionate God, have mercy upon your servant, Precious, for whom I humbly pray to You to care for and protect. O God, be her guide and guardian in all her endeavors, lead her in the path of Your truth (make up for my shortcomings in showing her the way), and draw her nearer to You (that she will know the love and comfort that only You can offer), so that she may lead a godly and righteous life in Your love as she does Your will in all things. Give her Your grace, and mercy so that she may be patient, hard working, tireless, devout and charitable. Defend her against the assaults of the enemy, and grant her wisdom and strength to resist all temptation and corruption, and direct her in the way of Salvation through the goodness of Your son, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the prayers of His Holy Mother and the blessed saints.

O God, our heavenly Father, who loves mankind and are a merciful and compassionate God, have mercy upon Your servants, all of my family and friends and students, for whom I humbly pray to You to care for and protect. O God, be their guide and guardian in all their endeavors, lead them in the the path of Your truth, and draw them nearer to You, so that they may lead godly and righteous lives in Your love as they do Your will in all things. Give them Your grace, and mercy so that they may be patient, hard working, tireless, devout and charitable. Defend them against the assaults of the enemy, and grant them wisdom and strength to resist all temptation and corruption, and direct them in the way of Salvation through the goodness of Your son, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the prayers of His Holy Mother and the blessed saints.

Lord, Jesus Christ, in Your great mercy you prayed for the forgiveness of those who crucified You and You taught us to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. Lord, I pray that You forgive Andrea (she must have been suffering so to have allowed herself to do what she did) and any who treat me unjustly and speak out against me, and that You bless them (yes, bless her) and guide them according to Your will. (I still don't know how all of this can have been in Your will, but I am trying my best to trust in You) Take away any bitterness I may have in my heart against her (cause I really hate her, but I feel sorry for her. She knew what she was doing and had the chance to get out everytime. I didn't and still don't have that luxury, to know. It's not fair that she gets to know the truth and I get screwed. She helped him to make decisions that were painful to him and asked him to sacrifice his whole being and life 0for her. I hate that she doesn't realize that her actions were selfish and not acts of love for him. If she had loved him, she would not have allowed him to take this path with her. I hate her for hurting him, and me). Lord, may Your forgiveness, goodness and love be revealed in ALL of us, (especially me) to Your praise and glory.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts and we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Be with me today and guide my thougts and actions that they may be in Your will.

Things that upset me....

It bothers me that when I asked him to tell me the positive things in our lives that had happened in the last 4 years, he actually got upset that I had asked him. So that can only mean that there is nothing positive that has happened in the last four years. Every time we had sex, every time he held me, every time he took me somewhere, every time he said he missed me, every moment of my life with him in the last four years he was thinking of or with someone other than me! Why do I think that this can possibly saved? I think God is nuts!

August 13, 2009

Do I still want to know? Of course I do! It is totally unfair that she gets to know things about my husband that he won't share with me. But as usual, I put his needs before mine. Love does not seek its own, right? But I think I've realized that you can't have God's compassion without fully being in God. Without Him, you just turn into a doormat...there's all the sacrifice with none of the serenity. I know it's unfair for me to expect God to run my life, but it doesn't seem as though I've done a real great job with it myself. He's supposed to be the expert in what is best for us, so I'd just rather Him do it. I can live as a puppet, I'll be happier.

What gets me is how depressed I get when my life really isn't so horrible. I have a good life. In perspective, my daughter's problems aren't horrible. My husband had an affair for almost four years...that's pretty bad, but it really could be so much worse. What am I complaining for. I have a house, food, car, A BOAT, a daughter who cares about me, parents that love me, and a husband who wants to make up for his mistakes in the ways that he is capable. The weather here is wonderful all the time. My heart is still working without surgery. I have so many positive things in my life, why do I dwell on the one thing that I can't have- the real, whole, unadulterated (pun not intended) truth. Maybe that was Eve's problem. She was aloud to have all but one thing, and that was what she wanted most. Is it just human nature to want what is dangled before us with a do not touch sign?

I keep reminding myself that it has only been two months since he actually ended his affairs, at least as far as evidence can show. I can't monitor everything, every moment. I need to give myself time, but I am sooooo impatient. I don't want to hurt anymore!


I discovered today that I need to sing. Artistic expression is supposed to be good for depression and that is one way that I can try to heal.

I feel like I need a vacation from my life. My daughter and husband both have had the opportunity to be completely free of responsibility, not caring how it affected the people around them. I want that, just for one month. I want to say whatever I want, not pay any bills, go wherever I want and have everyone around me just put up with it, as they've expected of me, just for a little while. Then I can just focus on healing myself. No one else is going to take care of me, so I need to take the time to do it myself.


8/14
Woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. It was the first morning I didn't wake up with some rendition of Andrea on the brain. I'd been dreaming was in charge of the entire districts' PE program and was researching the most successful way to get all kids to want to be more healthy. It was a fun dream. My handsome awoke when I got up, but it was about time to get up anyway. We're going to go test a sailboat today. I'm very excited. This boat feels like freedom and breath to me. We went for breakfast at the usual place. My heart started to flutter an palpitate, not from the excitement, just from it arrhythmia. I hate the feeling, it takes my breath away and makes me feel weak. I don't like to feel weak. After I ate, I went to the bathroom before our long drive and that song "why don't you stay" could be heard playing in the kitchen. Good mood gone.... Now I'm reminded what a stupid fool I am. I can't forgive him and I can't forgive myself for letting him do what he has done. Why am I even thinking about taking communion again? I'll never be able to forgive myself, him or her and I can't take communion in that rage. I have to congratulate her though. She has taught me a new feeling that I've never experienced before- hate. I hate her and what she did to me and that she was too stupid to see that she was really hurting my husband, not loving him. She was selfish and only wanted her own. She didn't want him to be happy, she wanted him to sacrifice everything for her, and it would have cost him everything to have chosen her. All the material things he cherished so much and any respect he would've had left from his daughter. That's not love. Love is self-sacrificing, not selfish. I realize he had/has an addiction, but what's her excuse? I HATE HER! There, I admitted it. Part of me wants to feel sorry for her and pity her, but most of me hates her and hopes that God makes her life miserable. He is the God of the plague, right? His vengeance is much more potent than anything that can concoct. But then I remember she is a child of God, too, and I'm supposed to love her and hope for her salvation, focus on my own faults, which are huge in themselves. It really sucks that I can't be this candid with my husband. I want us to talk with each other the way that we apparently can do with utter strangers. But I'm learning that this life is not about what want. If I want something emotionally, I can pretty much assume I'm gonna get the opposite. Oh well, gonna go enjoy boat shopping.


8/15/09
Toda was a pretty good day. If I could just get a lobotomy, my life would be really good. We bought the sailboat yesterday! So today we had to go get it. We stocked it up last night since we were having precious drive us up. I didn't want to fill her car up. We dropped the jeep off at the harbor and picked up a friend who knows how to sail. We pushed out around 7:30am for our long ride. It was calm, so handsome didn't have any problems pulling out. We never really got a lot of wind. The sail was about 5 knots the whole way. We saw a couple of whales almost right away.

Right after breakfast, I began to tackle the task of cleaning the inside. It was gross. I can't believe people pay hundreds of dollars to be in that smell and filth. Between the lack of sleep, inadequate breakfast, and cleaner fumes, I was quickly turning green. I sat in the cockpit for some fresh air, which helped, but then I finally decided to try to sleep. I found a spot on the settee, stretched out and zonked. I was out for about half an hour until visions of Handsome and Andrea shook me form my peace.

Made lunch and hung out for a while. Then it was back to cleaning. I worked in stages, taking breaks to get away from the fumes so I didn't get sick again... and of course, another nap. Breaks were often jump started by another memory or question that will never get answered, and instead of sitting and letting myself be overwhelmed, it was better to be productive. As I cleaned, I asked her if she liked her name. Told her the last boat was named the girlfriend and if she liked that she could have it, but I kinda thought my husband had had enough girlfriends and the joke wasn't funny anymore. She'll let us know. As we got a little closer to home, we saw dolphin and Handsome and C always made sure I halted cleaning for the respite of dolphin. One actually came to the bow for a brief moment.

Towards the end of the sail, there was some time when they both went downstairs and were talking and resting. I was left sailing, with the autopilot on, it had been on most of the day, alone. It was beautiful. The sun was warm, just a little bit of wind, the seas rolled gently and the coastline looked awesome, over-populated, but awesome. The solitude, fatigue, and stillness overcame me and I began to sob. I couldn't stop it. Here was this beautiful moment and I just wanted to jump in the ocean and drown. I realized that the only time I have any sense of peace at all is when I'm praying. I started saying the Jesus prayer and soon calmness came, even the hint of a smile. Finally, I could breathe again.

After awhile, handsome came out and sat on the opposite rail seat. I continued to pray, thinking, I've told him everything I need from him to heal, and he can't do it. The next time he asks me how he can make me happy, I need to tell him he needs to ask God, cause I don't know anymore. Abou 15 minutes after he came out, I went over to sit with him. It was a happy moment in his arms. I kept praying, so my mind wouldn't derail the moment, but it was inevitable to lose. Memories of when he asked me what flavor we used from the adult store the night before he went to Vegas flashed through my head. I know he went down on her there, and he won't do it for me and I wonder what is wrong with me. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let him go, and I can't believe I was stupid enough to buy his dumbass stories. And I hate that he knew I was stupid enough to buy his dumbass story, and that he still won't confess. And I REALLY hate that she knows I'm that I'm that stupid and he made me look like a fool to her. All this, and more, zoomed through my mind in seconds, prompting a hasty retreat to the other side of the boat. But he stopped me and gently placed his hands on my shoulders as my breath accelerated tremendously. I started praying again, and a little while later in the state of in his arms and praying, my breathing went back to normal and the tears stopped... just in time for C to wake up and come up top. We were almost home and it was time to get ready to make port. Home. This boat feels more like home than anyplace else I have ever been.

Maybe that should be her name.

He did a great job docking. We cleaned up a little bit as C went to pick up his daughter. Our precious had called several times to check on us through the day. I am so sorry for everything I have done that has contributed to her unhappiness. I pray that God will heal us both. She is an amazing, amazing girl and I am sorry that I have not made sure that she has known that every second of our life together.

So here we sit at our favorite Italian restaurant, half falling asleep, barely able to eat from our fatigue. Gonna go try to eat now.


8/17/09
Today was a nice day. I went the whole day with only one painful thought. I was startled from my sleep with a dream of him taking the black CD out of the player as I got in the truck. I had to get up and spent some time reading about sex addiction. That seemed to calm me down. I went back to bed, and the rest of the day, for whatever reason, I had a very calm brain. We spent the day cleaning and stocking the boat. I have it almost completely clean now. Just have cleaning the cushions and the bilges. I really was able to feel love for him all day. I wanted to touch him and kiss him. At the end of the day, I took a bath and cleaned and shaved everything. I've climbed in to bed with my lacy nightgown and my 5 inch shoes. Now I'll just wait for him to come to bed and I can top off this good day feeling completely close to him.

8/23/09
I am thankful for my new boat. I am grateful that I have a home and a job to go to in order to enjoy my life. I an thankful that God loves me.

8/24/09
Today was a normal August day, hot. We got a call at 5 am from a private number, so of course, we panicked when we missed the call. Handsome immediately called precious to make sure she was okay. She was...but apparently one of her friends caught the microwave on fire. Handsome was surprisingly calm. There was a time when he would have absolutely blown a gasket, and he was just content with knowing she was okay.

Went back to bed and woke up again around 8. Handsome got the sirius going then it was time to go for breakfast. I picked McDonald's. Yes...McDonald's. They have that fruit parfait and I just couldn't eat anything crappy after 3 weeks of eating out.

After breakfast, we cleaned up and decided to go for a sail

Thankful

I am thankful that he didn't call or text cunt face on my birthday!

Thankful

I am thankful for air conditioning!

Health Care

I applaud the vision to be sure that all Americans have access to health care, but I definitely question the plan set before us. Most of my life I have heard about how inadequate MediCare, MediCal and Veteran care is and yet the government thinks that it can run a national health care system. It just seems absolutely ridiculous. Get one thing right before you add on even more!

Journal 8/2/2009

It's been an interesting week for me. God definitely has a strange sense of humor. A neighbor decided out of the blue to share with me that her boyfriend had been married at the time that they started dating. She didn't know, but eventually she learned and stayed with him when he left his wife. It was the strangest place for me to be in, but I believe that it was God's way of at least partially answering my prayer to learn to forgive AR. I've been learning to forgive my handsome, but still hated her. I didn't see the pain that she was dealing as real. As far as I was concerned she deserved every heart ache she had, she'd earned it. She had the advantage of knowing the truth and chose to stay with him. She has the privilege of being the first person that I have ever hated. I guess I can move on. I don't feel like provoking someone to shoot me anymore.

One thing I am grateful is the freedom I have to love my God publicly!

Journal 7/28/09

Woke up this morning actually feeling a little normal, but this quickly gave way. Why couldn't he have loved me this way all the time? Is this real? Or is he just acting? Got dressed and ran off to work with the top open on the Jeep. It is such a great feeling to have the sun on my face! I spent some time praying last night. I figure that I am not going to keep my sanity if I don't start having God more in my life. I would like to have a different topic of conversation and thought at some point in my life. I am tired of hurting all the time. Mom says I have to give it time, that I'm grieving the loss of what I thought our marriage was. It's just already been five years of deceit and I just can't seem to let it go in such a short time.

The kids were okay today. Talent show and only two days left of summer school. Just have the one that insists on sleeping. I don't know if he is acting or if his family is really dropping the ball on making sure he sleeps enough.

Workout was good. 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. Helps with the brain function. We had fun just being silly and talking. L. is a very good friend and I am glad to have found her. And she doesn't get seem to get tired of my incessant rantings about my adulterous handsome. She has been a great support and I have needed her.

Had some time for lunch and went online looking for a chat site where maybe I could talk with someone who understands my husband's point a view a little better. Found his beautiful mug on yet another web site. I wasn't surprised, but it just shows the extent of how much time he spent looking for someone else to fill his void.

Time with my student was good. Only one more day with him. He has his MRI tomorrow to see if they can take the stint out and the cancer is gone. I pray that he is truly in remission and that him and his mother can relax a little and enjoy their lives. I suppose in light of a dying child, my pulverized heart is minimal. I have everything I need, just not everything I want.

Talked with my brother and he told me he had a vision of me enveloped in a black cloud with my handsome fading. That seems to be pretty much reflective of our situation right now. It was good talking to him. My baby brother seems to have gathered a great deal of wisdom in his ministry. He kindly informed me that he is not going to allow me to give up on my marriage. That he doesn't believe that God wants divorce and even though he allows for it that it is not in his will. So I have to work on healing. I need to take the mindset that I am not leaving and do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. Part of that is that I need to just realize that I am never really going to know what happened until I am dead and all is revealed. The other is that I absolutely HAVE to focus more of my energy on God. He is the only one who can heal my heart and he is the only one that I can truly trust. I can't even trust myself.

It is just going to be hard to learn to trust anything again after being so stupid and gullible for so very, very long. I don't trust him, or myself.

Time to make dinner... and spend some time with my handsome.

Beginnings

Nearly 400 years ago, my ancestors made a journey across the ocean in search of freedom...freedom from persecution of their religious beliefs and from the caste system. They sought a better life for themselves and their families. When they arrived, they had very few political barriers in their life. They had to contend with the physical barriers of the new world and in doing so, community was an important part of their lives. Communities worked together to ensure the survival of all members. They learned to work with tribes and gleaned survival skills. This was a community that did not believe in violence, they didn't even believe in getting angry. Discipline was strictly enforced and God was the center of everything for them.
My first American forefather was an important part in one of these communities, he was a leader and provider in many ways. He was known as a man of integrity, until such day as he had the audacity to question the baptism of infants. I don't wish to discuss the theology of his claims, I bring it up only to discuss the consequences. He was excommunicated from the church, which would be expected. However, he was excommunicated from the community as well.
I feel a connection with this man and his family. Obstacles to his belief were often placed before them, and yet they persevered through their challenges and clung to their beliefs. I believe that the same things that these fathers of mine were seeking have been passed down through hundreds of years of values passing from generation to generation.
More and more pilgrims came to our land, some with peaceful ways, and others with conquering ways. Our nation began to evolve until its journey brought them to the writing of the Declaration of Independence. Men, women and children were again willing to place all they had at risk for the chance at what they believed. What did they believe in, though, and how do we feel about those beliefs still today?
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These ideals were used as a guideline as our Constitution and subsequent laws were established.
By Life, did they mean simply the right to survive or the right to have a life? Certainly today one can argue that most people seem to believe that it is the governments job to provide all of its citizens with a life, ripe with all of their expectations of what that means. But was that the intention? And is my perception of how Americans today interpret this phrase accurate? In either case, does this right in fact extend to all human life - prisoner and fetus? Scientists can determine if and ameoba on Mars is life or not, but that cannot seem to determine whether or not a fetus is alive or a virus. It seems quite baffling to me.
Liberty. What did it mean to have liberty 240 years ago? Was liberty predicated on the freedom of a community or of individuals? Was the liberty of an individual worth the liberty of a community or was it established the other way around?
Pursuit of Happiness. It doesn't appear to me that our ancestors believed that we each had the right to be happy, only the right to try to be happy. I would wonder how our fathers would feel about our victim society that has developed.
I am going to close for now, but I am interested in the discussion of these thoughts and where I will be led in the process. I don't know if I am seeking an answer, but more in search of the journey to a better understanding of what it means to be an American, and subsequently, how that effects being me.