good things

Today is mom's 60th birthday. She is the best mom in the world!

aware of anger

12 Days. After being so utterly obsessed with sex and strangers, why does he never want to have sex with me? What is wrong with me?

channel anger

Not too upset today.

stress journal

Interview today. Nervous. Not sure what's for the best.

8/19/10

Today has been a totally nothing day... Stayed in bed til 8:30, stayed in my jammies til 10:30. Short trip to the grocery store. Lunch. Tried the meatballs we want to make for the dinghy party. Yum. Now we've got the top down on our way to the boat. 2:30 At the boat. 2:45 Dinghy putt 4:00 Back at the boat. 4:13 Clean kitchen sink. 4:30 Took a shower. 4:45 Layed down and Handsome joined. 6:15! Woke up groggy and hungry. Going home.

upset

3rd day in a row with no major episodes. Thank you, God.

upset

Not upset today. So far a good mental day.

activity log 8/19/10

1:05 Just left my class where Handsome and I worked for a couple hours. Went to Arby's for lunch. Ham and cheese sandwich and a strawberry banana shake. 1:30 Off to the boat with a short stop at Total Wine for some Tattoo. And Home Depot and Party City for stuff for the weekend roundup. 3:00 Went for a paddle. It was really windy. About an hour with Handsome. 5:30 Dinghy putt with Handsome. Saw R and C. Then I drove back with my foot while the handsome one stood over me. Fun! 6:30 Leftover pasta salad for dinner. 6:50 Relaxing to music in my handsome's arms. 7:30 Sun went down. Got cold. Time to pack up and go home.

upset

3 Days this time. "My vindication is the Lord." Psalms

upset

3 Days this time. "My vindication is the Lord." Psalms

upset

I wish I knew what causes this stupid IBS. I can never predict when it's going to flare up.

upset

I've spent a lot of time the last 24 hours in prayer. I have truly found that the only source of peace is God. Without Him, I am a ginormous mess. A few verses in particular stuck out to me- like something about the Lord is my vindication. A suppose this means that I am supposed to trust God to take care of any punishment my husband and his lovers deserve. It is hard for me to trust Him, though. I keep thinking that He allowed the mess to happen in the first place, second place, third place, over and over again. In truth I allowed it to occur repeatedly. But if He didn't stop it in the past, what do I really have to lean on that He will stop it in the future. I am having a really time trusting God. Maybe that's one of the things that most upsets me about this whole affair. I always trusted in God and now my "Christian" husband has managed to shake my faith, something no atheist could do before. I guess Satan knows my weakness... I can't forgive and I am nowhere near as trusting as I used to think I was.

channel

WHY?

8/11/10

Another gorgeous day in the harbor hanging on the boat. Woke up a little late and handsome was downstairs. I didn't want to get up. He came up and took a shower. When he got out I couldn't keep my hands off his naked body.

upset

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS! GOD HELP ME PLEASE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!

activity log 8/9/2010

2:08 PM Sailing into the harbor. Calm, slight wind, a few tiny sailboats in the channel, sunny, handsome at the helm.

2:38 PM Off to the grocery store for coke and ice. Called mom to let her know I'm home safe.

3:13 PM Hanging out. Gonna play some cards.

3:43 PM Snack time - handful of gum drops.

4:00 PM Packing up to go home. Del Taco on the way. Having a moment. I'll let God have it. Just gonna eat a quesadilla.

5:30 PM Nap time with Handsome!

8:15 PM Woke up. Check calendar.- Lay out exercise clothes.

8:25 PM Cuddled with Handsome for a few minutes. Go to grocery store to buy reusable water bottle, milk. Filled new water bottle- PBA free!

9:10 PM lay out clothes for tomorrow.

9:14 PM Shine kitchen sink.

9:20 PM Emptied some e-mails

9:35 PM Clean calendar a little.

10:35 PM Go to bed.

8/9/10

Wow! What a beautiful day! The sun is out, the seas are calm, there is virtually no wind. It is the polar opposite of our last trip back from the island. Dropped mooring @ 6:00 am. Saw a few dolphin. Climbed back in bed for two hours when handsome woke me to see more dolphin. The whole trip has been smoothe. My mind is back in a good place. The reading for today was about the man with the huge debt that wouldn't forgive a little debt. I realized I am the man with the huge debt who is throwing my handsome into debtors prison for his little debt. Handsome took a little nap. Then a shower. I wasn't going to but decided to anyway. When I got out I decided to seduce my handsome. On the cockpit in the sun I made him a happy man. Sometimes I can still feel that pure love I had before. I made lunch for him and we've just enjoyed the beautiful ride home. Just a few minutes to go...

upset

Well I made it 6 days with only a few blips here and there that shook off pretty easily. Then somehow I started running into triggers... songs, caravaning, him making no approach to make love to me in 2 weeks. I'm hoping I'm just tired. How does a man utterly obsessed with sex not hardly ever want me? Am I that unappealing? Did he waste the last of our available sex life on sluts?

stress journal

This morning was crazy. Had to switch moorings and get going to take the little boat back.

8/6/10

Beautiful sunny afternoon. Day 4 at the isthmus. Our friends all left this morning. This has been a fabulous vacation. The water has been too cold to play in, but I have been happy on this trip. Very few negative thoughts and the ones that do come shake off easily. I have been enjoying my time with handsome. I can feel the love returning. We all went through the cave yesterday. That was fun. Hanging out on the beach and relaxing with friends. This morning I woke to the yummy smell of biscuits baking. Bacon, eggs and biscuits. Read a book. Went for a paddle and saw some garibaldi. Now we're just hanging on the boat relaxing.

channel

4 Days happy!