stress journal

Went to use the computer this morning and no internet. So I started setting up the new DSLExtreme modem. Got to step 1b and realized we have to buy a router. Then I called AT&T and the service had already been cancelled. I have spent 2:20 minutes on the phone trying to get this thing working. Finally working, but we have to sit plugged in, a minor inconvenience I suppose. But I can feel the stress and it surfaces memories and thoughts that I don't want to deal with about him. Why couldn't he just have loved me? Whatever. I suppose my broken heart has made me closer to God than perhaps I have ever been. I guess in that sense, I should almost be grateful for him almost literally driving me insane.

upset

Dealing with a nasty case of food poisoning. I haven't thrown up like that in years. Now Handsome has the day off and I can't even spend it with him. I'm thinking that God knows his heart and his mind and I am just going to trust in God to reveal to me the truth as he sees it and deal with any punishment that my husband receives on His terms. I have enough problems in this world dealing with myself to be concerned with my husband's faults. I am committed to letting God lead my life from now on... whatever the path.

7/16/10 cont 3

ing my waiting roommate. Finally a dinghy putt. Visited a few friends. Came back and geared up for a paddle. It was windy. WOW what a workout! Caught myself having an imaginary conversation with an imaginary Handsome. "So yesterday you said you wanted me to be happy, right? You can help with that. STOP CHEATING! No more porn or sexting or romantic chats with non-me people. No sex life in real life or virtual and I PROMISE I'll be happy. That doesn't mean hide it even better. Just don't do it." I managed to push that aside and enjoy the workout. I haven't had any side effects from the meds today. No dizziness or fast heart beat. We went and finally got a new spark plug and got the generator to work. Making dinner now. Chicken alfredo. Yum. Hard to believe alfredo used to make me gag.

7/16/10 cont 2

sun felt so good. Handsome arrived. I happened to go downstairs when he was changing into his bathing suit. Suddenly I was touching him. I just had to touch him. I forgot about everything and just ran my hands all over his naked body. Kissing him all over. He responded and before you know it we were having sex. Okay now back to work and nap time. Our best friends' granddaughter called asking to borrow the paddleboards. Of course. Handsome had to go find a spark plug for the new generator and I asked him to pick up lunch. The girls got here about 1:00. When H got back, we shared a sub and tried to take the dinghy out. But just as we rounded the corner, the girls were headed back. Had to let them out. Tried to take the dinghy out again, but same place around the corner we saw the neighbor coming in. "Did I leave the paddle on their dock?" I asked. Whipped the dinghy around and managed to just get the paddle out of the way. HOT. The pavement was hot. I ran down the dock and literally jumped in the boat, surpris

7/16/10 cont

asked me to join him for a breakfast burrito. It was nice being where we used to go when I was still the only lover he needed, at least as far as I know. We played Uno and chatted. It almost felt normal. I decided this might be a good time to tell him about the celexa. I hadn't started it yet. I should be honest and up front if that's what I expect from him. He was better about it than I thought he'd be. Asked about the side effects but that was all. I explained that although being sad was normal, perseverating the way I do was not. I had plans to meet Christine at the boat and wanted to get to the harbor before I took my medicine. It says not to drive with it til you know how it will affect you. So we went home so I could get going. He'd come down later. Just about the time I got here I got a text from Christine that she couldn't make it. Not a problem. I finished getting the boards ready to go and prepared to go out alone. Went out for a little bit then came back and took a nap on the cockpit. Oh the sun

7/16/10

6 am wake up call. Handsome wanted me to go to the dr. with him. He hurt his wrist at work and thought he'd end up with the day off since he can't restrain anyone. I napped in the truck while I waited. About 30 minutes in, I got a text asking for some juice. I went to Stater Brothers. Gave me something to do. Kept thinking about what made him change his mind. Yesterday he was ready to divorce me asap. Anyway, bought 2 little bottles of OJ. Walked into the clinic carrying the juice, "My husband is in one of your exam rooms about to have an insulin reaction." She found him and he was definitely going down. He drank the juice. I asked if he wanted me to stay but he said no. But he asked for a kiss and a hug. First hug I've given him in weeks. How does he do that? Just forget that I was nearly on my way to Texas just yesterday? He was done a few minutes later, out with a wrist brace, therapy appointments, and a good chance of not working for two weeks. Had to go find a fax machine to send in the docs orders. He

upset

Well I suppose I am finally coming to terms with the reality of my life. I just am not married. Only God and Handsome know how long and if I ever really was. It's time I accept the truth.

anger

How am I supposed to ever trust him? He's lied about so many things, kept so many secrets. He can't be real with me. I don't even know who he really is.

thankful

Blankets

thankful

Pictures. And the best massage I ever had.

upset

He thinks he can cute this all away.

activity log 7/9/10

12:30 driving around with Handsome trying to print pictures.

thankful

Gas for going far fast. Radio.

channel anger into writing

I've been working today on not being angry. Asking God for his will and grace to not be mad. I just don't know if it's too late. Has there been too much to overcome? Nothing is impossible with God, but I really have a hard time believing that God's will can overcome mine or my husbands. We've made such a mess of our life, of our love.

I'm afraid of forgetting the love that I have felt for him. I forgotten the other loves that I've had. This one was so intense, I don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of being in love with my Handsome. All I keep doing is pray that God's will be done and that I have the peace to accept it.

thankful

The love of God.

activity log 7/6/2010

7:30 pm watching Deadliest Catch with Handsome wondering if we're ever going to talk about the mess our marriage is in while every inch of my body aches from PMS.

thankful

Motrin to get rid of PMS migraines!

good things

One of the good things about me is that I have faith in God (even when I don't). I just don't have patience.

be aware of your anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week after all the events and activities. I've come to the conclusion that there is a very good possibility that I have never, ever actually been married. How do I know when this all began? I talked about how I don't feel as though I am married now, that the commitment that exists between us is null. When given the opportunity to think about when the lack of commitment started, I keep going backwards. Unfortunately, since he's not spilling the beans, he is forced to compete with the story that my brain has concocted. Was it January 2005? Or maybe when he was on disability the year before? Perhaps that bottle of vodka that he delivered down the street to the girl he carpooled with that I had no idea he was carpooling with, maybe already then? Or maybe when he was on administrative leave? How did he fill his spare time then? Was it as far back as 2000 when Precious said she say dad on porn sites while I was at Grandma's funeral?

Who knows and does it even matter anymore? If this marriage is dead and over, he doesn't owe me any explanations or apologies or anything else.

So, I've developed a plan for what I will accept for reconciliation and I'll talk with one of my counselors with it. I don't want this marriage to be over. I do truly love him so very much, but if it's already dead, I can't resurrect it on my own.

activity log 7/5/10

12:30 Just finished breakfast at RJ's.

activity log 7/3/10

2:40 Crawled into the aft cabin. I'm so tired. 3:14 Couldn't sleep. Got up to pee and get a glass of water. Found Handsome in his underwear in thd galley. I'm drinking my water and eating pretzels. He decided to crawl into bed. 3:25 Going for a walk. Handsome went with me. 4:29 Read my book.

7/3/10

Early morning waking up on the couch. I didn't need to be up til 6:30 but was awake when the alarm went off. Got my stuff together and woke the man I live with to let him know I was leaving. He was barely awake and totally confused. I wanted to just crawl up close to him and kiss him and hold him. But I can't do it. He's not my husband anymore. A marriage is two people commit to being sexually exclusive with each other and he just can't or won't do that. Even if it is only virtual cheating now, he knows how I feel and obviously doesn't care. Drove to the harbor to meet Tracy. We had breakfast, walked and talked. It was nice. When I got to the harbor he was here getting things ready for the fourth. That took a while. He washed the cockpit and the bbq, put up the easy up and a few other things. He even hung a hammock for me from which I now sit writing this. Took a little break for lunch at Subway with C and M. By the way, my throat hurts and I think I've caught Precious' cold.

upset

Haven't touched him or slept in the same bed with him since Wednesday. He hasn't even tried to talk about it. I can't seem to bring it up myself.

upset

Nothing new to be upset about. Still the same old shit.

thankful

Fresh air at the harbor.