Tuesday, April 27, 2010
activity log 4/27/2010
7:35 PM- watching A Sound of Thunder on TV. It's a little boring. During the movie, I cleaned the kitchen cabinets and emptied crumbs from the toaster and defragged the computer. 9:00 PM drinking a cup of peppermint tea, watching Deadliest Catch
Sunday, April 25, 2010
4/25/10
We woke up around 8. We needed to be ready to go by 10 so we started securing stuff and saying our goodbyes. Set off by 10:15. Of course everyone passed us. Got about an hour to go. It has been a gorgeous day.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
activity log 4/24/10
12:30 Hanging out in the sun in Oceanside, drinking my first Bloody Mary ever. Talking with my new yacht club friends. 1:30 We went to Tony's for lunch 3:45 back @ the slip. Check schedule.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hole
There's a hole in my life that is 13 years big. Why is that? I have no idea what part of my life is real or not. There is the way that I've experienced my life, and then there is reality. I could cherish the week at the island. Oh, but wait, every time I fell asleep or went to the bathroom, he was talking to his lovers. So how do I know he wasn't thinking about them the whole time. While we were drinking our buffalo milk, maybe he was thinking how much she would like it here. Or maybe while we were kayaking through the cave, he was wishing he'd rather be doing it with her.
Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.
How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.
Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.
That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.
All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.
It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?
I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?
Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.
How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.
Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.
That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.
All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.
It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?
I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?
Friday, April 16, 2010
activity log 4/16/10
1:10 teaching.
2:45 Check schedule.
2:48 Visualize self as great teacher.
2:50 Check schedule.
2:52 Question the objectivity of my thoughts. Am I able to think about what I want from/with him objectively? So many emotions in the way...
2:55 Check schedule
2:56 look for auditions
3:13 Mary Kay.
3:17 Pampered Chef.
3:19 Check Schedule- Christine, going home to Facebook and e-mail.
3:45 Learning how to buy an island- researched owning a B&B
4:36 check schedule.
4:40 Shower
5:12 Check schedule
5:16 artistic expression
5:25 Check schedule.
5:30 Handsome came home. We did a little bookkeeping then went to the storage unit.
6:06 Off to Target to get a purse that doesn't swallow my stuff. Couldn't find one, but found a monster that will work at Wal-Mart. Decided to go grab dinner while we were out. About 7:00, I started having a little panic. Did she ever see his asshole side, or was he always on his best behavior with her? How did she react to it? Started to hyperventilate and then remembered I'd hardly eaten anything all day. Decided to make myself wait until I had some nutrients in my head before I let myself freak out.
7:47 Check schedule.
8:03 Ancestry.com - Hans Peter Christensen
8:13 Check Schedule
8:15 Handsome
2:45 Check schedule.
2:48 Visualize self as great teacher.
2:50 Check schedule.
2:52 Question the objectivity of my thoughts. Am I able to think about what I want from/with him objectively? So many emotions in the way...
2:55 Check schedule
2:56 look for auditions
3:13 Mary Kay.
3:17 Pampered Chef.
3:19 Check Schedule- Christine, going home to Facebook and e-mail.
3:45 Learning how to buy an island- researched owning a B&B
4:36 check schedule.
4:40 Shower
5:12 Check schedule
5:16 artistic expression
5:25 Check schedule.
5:30 Handsome came home. We did a little bookkeeping then went to the storage unit.
6:06 Off to Target to get a purse that doesn't swallow my stuff. Couldn't find one, but found a monster that will work at Wal-Mart. Decided to go grab dinner while we were out. About 7:00, I started having a little panic. Did she ever see his asshole side, or was he always on his best behavior with her? How did she react to it? Started to hyperventilate and then remembered I'd hardly eaten anything all day. Decided to make myself wait until I had some nutrients in my head before I let myself freak out.
7:47 Check schedule.
8:03 Ancestry.com - Hans Peter Christensen
8:13 Check Schedule
8:15 Handsome
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
4/9/2010
Last week day of spring break. I have thoroughly enjoyed this week off. Mom and Dad have been here since Monday. We went to the spa and played in the mud, putt putting and the Wild Animal Park. It's been nice. Precious even did a couple of things with us.
I want mom and dad to taste my roast, but we don't have any pans. I got up early this morning and seared the roast on the barbecue. That was kind of cool. We'll see how it turns out in the end. The smell is torture. I don't know if I can wait until dinner to break into it.
I spent a couple of hours working on my IEP goals, until they all started to blur together. I still have a few students I need to look at before Monday, but I'll do that later.
We're just hanging out now. Tonight we go bowling, all of us, and tomorrow we go sailing.
Last night we had our appointment with the Dr. Things seem to be going well. We might actually make it after all. It really sucks that I had to get torn to pieces in order for us to be any where near happy, but I guess that's life.
I really don't want to go back to work on Monday, but it's got to be done. I envy those women who can stay home and take care of their homes and families. I don't know how my sister-in-law can be bored. I would be so happy. Each to his own I suppose.
I want mom and dad to taste my roast, but we don't have any pans. I got up early this morning and seared the roast on the barbecue. That was kind of cool. We'll see how it turns out in the end. The smell is torture. I don't know if I can wait until dinner to break into it.
I spent a couple of hours working on my IEP goals, until they all started to blur together. I still have a few students I need to look at before Monday, but I'll do that later.
We're just hanging out now. Tonight we go bowling, all of us, and tomorrow we go sailing.
Last night we had our appointment with the Dr. Things seem to be going well. We might actually make it after all. It really sucks that I had to get torn to pieces in order for us to be any where near happy, but I guess that's life.
I really don't want to go back to work on Monday, but it's got to be done. I envy those women who can stay home and take care of their homes and families. I don't know how my sister-in-law can be bored. I would be so happy. Each to his own I suppose.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
scared
4:30 in the morning and after multiple attempts to try to seduce my husband in the last 16 hours or so, I come up short. I am afraid that I just can't compare to all of his other whores that he has spent his time with this last 5 years and I am always going to feel rejected and undesirable. He was obsessed with sex with strangers, but with me, still far between. I am afraid that after all that he has done without me, that there is nothing left to do with me. I will never turn him on the way that forbidden did. I've asked this question for years, and still have no answer... if all a man wants is sex, but he doesn't want it from you, what's wrong with you?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
4/4/10
I cant believe i slept 12 hours last night. Feeling semi normal today. Almost happy. I was thinking about how our true hope lies not in His death but in His resurrection. The hope that we can arise from the hell weve brought on ourselves and live again. This is my hope that i might be alive again. We actually ate breakfast at home today. I like cereal and unclogged arteries. Were at the boat of course and hes got the new gauges installed. Clouds are coming in. I find myself constantly checking facebook to see how MTs son. I cant help but think it could have been my son and i worry a lot. I want to say something encouraging but what do you say when its been nearly 2 decades. My heart aches for him.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
4/3/10
I almost feel normal today. Woke up about 7:30. Grabbed the bathing suits & off to bagels for breakfast. The drive to the boat was nice. We actually talked. The mission today is to get the oil sensor working. Of course we've been all over the county trying to find the parts.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Blasphemy
Okay, this is going to be totally sacrilegious and blasphemous, but here goes. I was prompted to think about what Good Friday means to me. I thought how it reminds me how I have betrayed God and my only true way to salvation is the sacrifice, the death, of my Lord, the one who loves me the most. So then, my stupid brain, which has been absolutely furious with God for allowing my husband to do what he has done connects that maybe it is the same for us. My husband has become a better man, although he has not yet reconciled with God yet. Was that the purpose of all of this. Did I have to die, as I have been doing, in order for my husband to live? Am I the lamb, although not blemish free, the path to my husband's renewal? Is it because I love him the most that I had to die for him? I remember offering my soul to God for his at one point. Did God take me up on my offer? Did I actually ask for this Hell that I live in? If all of this is so, if I am to be an example of Christ to my husband, where is my resurrection? Is it in my hands or in God's? When do I live again?
Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.
It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."
Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.
It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."
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