Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
write down what upsets you
Nothing. Today I am upset about nothing. Spent the morning laughing with good friends and I am happy. Nice to report!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
write down what upsets you
Telling someone what you plan to do far in advance so that they can plan around it and then having them intentionally get in the middle of what you are trying to get done.
Monday, November 22, 2010
write down what upsets you
There was once a time in my life where it was obvious that I believed in Love, in Truth, in God. Over time, I have taken on the anger and depression of those around me, absorbed it into my being until it became a part of me. I don't know why I allowed that to happen, but I did. It has permeated my entire being. I am trying to purge it, but is such a slow process.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
write down what upsets you
I don't have much to say at this moment that I am upset about. Church was amazing this morning. It's interesting that just when I decided to try to start a relationship with our assistant priest, I learn that he is leaving. I am happy for him. I hope he enjoys having his own parish and that he is a blessing to God's church. I am interested to get to know the new assistant priest.
I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.
Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.
The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.
I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.
I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.
Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.
The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.
I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.
Monday, November 15, 2010
my dream last night
She stood in her bedroom contemplating which book she would read for the afternoon. It was a beautiful day and it would be lovely to sit in the sun and travel to another world. Then she felt his arms wrap around her, pulling her close to him. His left arm traveled across and down her silken abdomen. His right slid up inside her blouse, meandering up her chest, cupping her breast in his hand. His strong jaw leaned her head to the right and he began to nibble on her neck. Shivers of desire radiated up through her body as she felt the climbing passions rising through her. She began to feel weak. In an instant, he spun her around, clasping her hands behind her back in one hand and planted a kiss hard and deep on her mouth. He hadn't come to her with such desire in so long, she felt as though the excitement within her would explode. To be in his arms and him to want her so deeply, she thought she would lose herself completely.
She opened her eyes so that she could swim in the deep blue sea that she loved to be in. In that moment she realized this was not her husband. Swiftly she pulled her arms around, placed her forearms on his chest and pushed him away. Almost as stealthily as he had arrived, he disappeared again. She stood there in the middle of the room shocked and bewildered. It seemed as though hours went by as she just stood there like a statue trying to comprehend what had just happened.
It hadn't been her husband. It had been his best friend, someone they were allowing to stay in one of the spare bedrooms while he was down on his luck. She went to find her husband to tell him in on uncertain terms that his friend had overstayed his welcome. She stopped in her tracks. Would he believe her? He knew enough of his friend not to doubt that the part of the story she told about him would be true. But would he believe that she had nothing to do with it?
There were many things she did not know about the man she married, but this she did know- he was a jealous man and not quick to believe in her innocence. "Did you flirt with him?" he would ask. "You led him on!" he would accuse. "You did this for revenge!!" She could hear the words already exiting his mouth in disbelief and accusation. No, she would not tell him. She hated that. Honesty was so important to her, but she knew he would not accept her story.
The next weeks were strange, to say the least. Dinners were tense as the three of them sat together and she had very little to say. She avoided eye contact with their guest as much as possible. When she did slip, it seemed he was waiting for her gaze and would send her a mischievious smile. She prayed that the man whose ring she wore didn't see what was going on.
But this wasn't the worst of it. She was haunted by the feelings that he had ignited. She would find herself standing at the sink, where she was supposed to be washing dished, staring out the window entranced by the memory of his touch. If they passed, he would intentionally brush up against her, just to watch the chills it would bring to her skin. He knew he had made an impression and was enjoying the affect he had made.
She decided she would begin to try to woo her husband back to her, see if she could ignite some small flame in him for her. She had no intentions of letting this other man take from her the love that she could have with the one who still was the cause of every heart beat. She would start small, so that he would not notice a big change and wonder what had happened. She wanted to feel loved again.
She opened her eyes so that she could swim in the deep blue sea that she loved to be in. In that moment she realized this was not her husband. Swiftly she pulled her arms around, placed her forearms on his chest and pushed him away. Almost as stealthily as he had arrived, he disappeared again. She stood there in the middle of the room shocked and bewildered. It seemed as though hours went by as she just stood there like a statue trying to comprehend what had just happened.
It hadn't been her husband. It had been his best friend, someone they were allowing to stay in one of the spare bedrooms while he was down on his luck. She went to find her husband to tell him in on uncertain terms that his friend had overstayed his welcome. She stopped in her tracks. Would he believe her? He knew enough of his friend not to doubt that the part of the story she told about him would be true. But would he believe that she had nothing to do with it?
There were many things she did not know about the man she married, but this she did know- he was a jealous man and not quick to believe in her innocence. "Did you flirt with him?" he would ask. "You led him on!" he would accuse. "You did this for revenge!!" She could hear the words already exiting his mouth in disbelief and accusation. No, she would not tell him. She hated that. Honesty was so important to her, but she knew he would not accept her story.
The next weeks were strange, to say the least. Dinners were tense as the three of them sat together and she had very little to say. She avoided eye contact with their guest as much as possible. When she did slip, it seemed he was waiting for her gaze and would send her a mischievious smile. She prayed that the man whose ring she wore didn't see what was going on.
But this wasn't the worst of it. She was haunted by the feelings that he had ignited. She would find herself standing at the sink, where she was supposed to be washing dished, staring out the window entranced by the memory of his touch. If they passed, he would intentionally brush up against her, just to watch the chills it would bring to her skin. He knew he had made an impression and was enjoying the affect he had made.
She decided she would begin to try to woo her husband back to her, see if she could ignite some small flame in him for her. She had no intentions of letting this other man take from her the love that she could have with the one who still was the cause of every heart beat. She would start small, so that he would not notice a big change and wonder what had happened. She wanted to feel loved again.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
thought record
On Thursday, I decided to tell Handsome that I have forgiven him. I am leaving any necessity for consequence in the hands of God. I'm too exhausted to be his mother and responsible for whether or not he gets a spanking. Life here on this world is too short to spend my time angry and hurt all the time. I suppose my emotions will continue to fluctuate, but I will continue to give it over to God. He is the most merciful and the most wrathful. He knows all the truth, which I can never, ever know. It is very hard for me to relinquish control, to not know everything, but I am defeated in this war. It is one that I can never win. The only truth that I can ever know is the truth that is Christ. So why spend any more of my life beating us both up? I still am not sure that I consider us husband and wife. It seems as though that bond has been disintegrated, but I continue to pray every day for God's will in my life, that I grow in Christ each and every moment of my life.
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