in progress...

What It's Like for Me

It's a beautiful day
driving in my Jeep
Nothing to fret
got all my bills paid

Turn the radio on
listen to a song
then I start to cry
cause it doesn't apply

It's about true love
a love that never fails
one that lasts forever
without a heart full of nails

If you only knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?


I fucked you hard
Just the way you wanted
'til my heart nearly burst
satisfied us both with a scream

Rolled off in sheer exhaustion
satisfied and happy
then before I could catch it
"Did she do that for you...did you like it better?"

If you knew then
You'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Long day at work
Ready to go home
Can't wait to see you
Maybe play some games

It's been a little while since we've done it
Too many things in the way
Can't find the energy for me
With her was it the same?

If you knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Talkin bout the way
our precious has grown up
not afraid to call you now
when she's had too much to drink

Not any different today
then when I had to pick you up
when you drank too much with Joe.
(If you were really with him)

If you knew then
you'd be doing this to me
would you still want her
or would you stop and think... of me?

Car Chase...

We were on our way home from our fifth trip to Home Depot, trying to get the new upper kitchen cabinets installed. Sitting at a stop light with two cars in front of us. Suddenly the car lurched and we're looking around trying to figure out what happened. When Handsome finally realized we'd been rear ended, he also realized the guy who did it was leaving the site. I fumbled with my cell phone trying to make sure we got the license plate. Once we were sure we got it, we actually thought for a tiny moment that he was just pulling over to exchange info and stuff. Before you know it, he had taken off, zooming down the street.

Handsome took off after him. I called 911 and the next ten minutes of relaying to the dispatch officer what was going on as we followed the guy was crazy. We drove about two miles, then a left. Up the road and then another left. Ah, it's a cul-de-sac! For the first time we both realized that following this guy might not have been a good idea. Handsome may be a peace officer, but he wasn't armed. We found ourselves nose to nose with the guy and thought just for a second that he was going to ram us. Handsome gave him enough berth to be able to get by and then off we were again.

The guy drove into a tiny apartment complex and we relaxed, thinking maybe it might be over. We'd just wait for the police. Nope, he comes out of the driveway, makes a right and off we go again. Then another right. We went another mile and he turns right again. This is where the fun slowed down. We just missed the red light and traffic passed, getting in between us and the other driver. And of course this was one of those days when everyone is driving 20 miles an hour in a 45 zone...

We watched the guy until he finally made another right turn and we couldn't see him any more. The police caught him maybe two miles up the road. We had to ID him and the car. Cop told my handsome the kid would have a DUI, they found meth and a pipe and who knows what else. If this guy is under 18, he's going to have a rude awakening when he goes to court on Monday and the guy he hit is the one that escorts him to the judge. Of course, that wouldn't happen because of procedure, but this kid picked the wrong people. Maybe this will be his wake up call from God...maybe not.

But it was a lot of fun!

Oh, and my Jeep? Just a little scratch, but I'll have it looked at on Monday.

I think Handsome deserves a few days of reprieve from my hell. I'll do my best to make it happen for him.

Thankful...

Today I've been thinking a lot about this crap that we've been going through. If God chooses to use me, I would like to use this horrendous pain that I have been dealt to help to strengthen marriages. Nobody ever tells you that this pain is so devastating. You think people get over affairs all the time, it must not be that bad. Of course it makes you mad, but no one ever tells you it is THIS BAD. If I can somehow help people save their marriages before it ever gets to the point of betrayal, I might actually be a little bit thankful for this nightmare that I have been living. I pray that this desire of mine not be iniquitous and that God provide the avenue and the opportunities, as well as me the wisdom to be able to do this. If he chooses to use a salvaged marriage with Handsome and I, then all the better. If we can get past adultery, the one thing God allows for divorce, then others should be able to get through whatever else is driving their marriage apart and people into unhappiness. Women were made in order to be a wife before there was even sin. God created us man and wife. There was man and wife before there was church. If we are lucky enough to find ourselves in this blessing, it should be the most wonderful thing that we can experience. I want to help others to make their lives the blessing God means for them to have.

Thankful...

I am very thankful to have a friend in my life for the first time that is as kind and supportive as the one I have now. She is a gift from God!

Overreacting

I bought a game to play with Handsome... an erotic game, but it's not just sex stuff. It has other intimate and fun type things to do that I thought might help to enhance our relationship, and maybe our sex life, too. I guess I've spoiled him all these years in that he doesn't seem to think that he needs to turn me on any more. "Can you suck my dick?" or "Can I suck your titties?" is about all the foreplay I get. It's not that I mind those things, but that seems to be the extent of his seduction.

So when I pulled it out just to look at it, he got mad! All he saw was the name and that it was a game. He didn't ask me anything about it, just dismissed it. I had been so excited about it. It is strange, just when I don't think he can hurt me anymore, it appears that he still can. He has NO desire to know what I think.

I told him I thought it would just be something fun to do. When he continued to be rudely against it, without even giving it a chance, of course I responded,"the only thing new you do is other people." and stormed off crying, yet again.

I want a divorce...

affirmation

I am healthy today.

upset

Made an appointment to have someone inspect the furnace because it needed to be done. I found out that there is some serious rust and it needs to be replaced. The guy said that next year, the cost of replacing it goes up significantly because the government is changing the requirements. I let Rodney know, so that he could do some research on the furnace rules and cost. He basically thinks that I am stupid enough to believe someone who is lying to me and that the guy is just trying to get money out of us. I was upset that he thought I was that stupid, but then it dawned on me. Of course he thinks I'm stupid enough to believe his lies... I believed his. Maybe I am stupid and gullible.

scared

I am afraid that I will never forget.. or let go. I'm even more afraid that I don't want to.

11/19/2009

So how has today been? I'm not sure. I woke up feeling like I wish I could just fall into oblivion. I am beginning to believe that I will never be able to forget or to forgive him. The only way that is going to happen will be a miracle from God. Maybe he will use the experience to show his glory, or maybe I'll just slowly adjust to being insane. I don't know. I realized that everything that is bad in my life has the same common element- me. Precious is lazy and discourteous. I raised her, mostly, so... Handsome has four years of being unfaithful, it takes two to make a marriage go wrong. My students are completely out of control, it is my job to maintain their behavior. Finances are out of whack again, I haven't been keeping close track. House is never up to his standards, I'm lazy.

The kids have been better today. Maybe I will too. Right now I need a vacation- from everything. Precious got to be stupid and irresponsible and so did handsome. When is it my turn? After I snap?

Using my anger productively...

How do I use my anger productively? What possible good could come of this situation? The only thing that I can think of at this point is somehow sharing what I have felt, the insanity that has ensued with other people. So, as time goes by, I will try to write my story, how it has affected me, and maybe, just maybe I can influence just one person not to hurt someone else, someone they claim to love. That is the only thing that I believe good can come out of this misery I live now.

How long have I been scuba diving?

I met my husband over 13 years ago and he was an avid scuba diver. He claimed to have over 1600 hours of dive time logged. That didn’t even include the times that he didn’t write down his dives. I was very excited to learn to dive. He was going to teach me, but he wanted to teach my Precious first. It was something he had been raising his daughter to learn and was excited to teach her. I understood and agreed.

When Precious was about 10 years old, he started teaching her to snorkel. They looked so cute in their wet suits swimming out to seal rock. She came back with so many stories about what she saw. Soon, she decided to tackle surfing. She was pretty good at it. Then came the teenage years and she began to dread the effects of salt water on her curly hair. It made her hair frizz and she hated it! So, she was effectively done with water sports.

I decided it was time that I learn to scuba dive, but I was nervous about my sight. We talked about how I could buy prescription goggles, but I worried what I would do if they were knocked off while I was diving. How would I find them since I couldn’t see anything without glasses? Then he decided to buy me laser surgery.

I was so nervous. I decided to go with the company his brother had gone with. The surgery had been so successful that I felt comfortable with them. It was scary. I kind of freaked out on the second eye and the results were not as good as it could have been, but still effective.

I was so excited to be able to look around and see a world without a fuzzy haze on it. I’d been wearing glasses since I was 12. Now it was April of 2005, Spring Break, 32 years old and I couldn’t wait to go diving! I love the water and thought scuba diving would be the best experience in the world.

My husband is not the most patient man and I was very nervous that if I freaked out at all while he was trying to teach me, I’d be done. He would never take me again. So I signed up at Sport Chalet and took the course there. It turned out that it was a good idea, because I did kind of freak out a little, just in the pool course. I was surprised because I have always loved being underwater, as deep as I could get. I’d open my eyes and everything. But this was somehow different, obviously, with a tank strapped to my back and actually trying to breathe and not hold my breath.

We were scheduled to do our beach dive first, but it was rained out. It was November 2005 and we had to reschedule that dive. The second dive was our trip to the island. I had rented and borrowed gear and most of it didn’t fit very well. It was a boat dive. I was looking forward to this since we would be doing most, if not all, of our diving off of our boat.

We geared up as the boat got closer to the island. I made sure I ate one more thing before I jumped in. Found my buddy and we checked each other’s gear. Spit in the mask, rubbed it around on the glass to keep the mask from fogging up and stepped off the platform.

The water was so cold. However, it didn’t take very long for me to adjust to the temperature. There was no guide line to descend. We were all on our own. As I sunk under the water, a mild sense of panic came, but I was brave and overcame quickly. The visibility was 40 feet, which is very unusual. I could see the bottom and everything was good. I have found over time that the only thing that makes diving scary for me is not being able to orient myself to any visual thing.

The swim was so calming. I think it is the most calming experience that I have ever had. Even though my gear was giving me trouble, it just felt so amazing to be under the water, feeling it glide over my “skin”. My feet kept floating away. Precious’ fins were too big for me.

We swam through the kelp and a couple of times, my partner got stuck. He was able to get himself free quickly though. There were Garibaldi and Sheepshead fish, starfish, and snails like the ones in our fish tank, only bigger. I was hooked. I had to do this again!

We dove for about an hour and then it was time to resurface. I ascended hesitantly, yet eager to tell my husband about my dive. It was awesome! I couldn’t wait for the next dive.

The next weekend I woke up early to get to the beach dive. My husband had offered to just drop me off from the boat, but I didn’t want to do it that way. The surf wasn’t bad at all, barely any. I quickly discovered that the button on my BC wasn’t working. The BC is the vest that you fill up with air to help you float in the water. I was going to have to manually inflate my vest throughout the dive. I could do this…

We all walked in and then floated to put our fins on. We swam out a ways to where we were going to drop. My partner had somehow lost one of his weight bags on the beach and couldn’t descend. Luckily, the instructor had extra weights in the buoy.

That settled, it was time to drop down. We followed a guideline to the sandy bottom. The visibility was 40+ feet again! I was a lucky girl. The visibility is never that good there. At the bottom, more drills. We had to take off the BC and put it back on while at the bottom of the ocean. Then we went to swim away.

The sensation of being weightless and swimming under the ocean is still one of my most favorite things in the world. This dive, I had much more control of my buoyancy and didn’t float away quite so often. I feel like I had more control of the BC because I was manually inflating it. We swam through a little cave and along a cliff wall. Schools of tiny fish swam away from us. All kinds of kelp and algae were growing on the rocks. Sea urchin stuck up from the crevices.

Then, yet again, the dive was over before I was ready. We all did an air pressure check and I still had almost 1000 lbs of air left. Lucky for me! One of the instructors swam back with me under water while everyone else surfaced and had to swim back on top. By the time I got to the top of the stairs, most everyone else was already out of their wetsuits. The instructor looked at me funny, though. He laughed as he told me he was discussing whether or not they could find my gills.

My excuse was that I had a steel tank and had more air than everyone else. He said that wasn’t it. I still should’ve used more air than I did. I guess my dad was right all these years. Maybe I am part fish.

11/3/2009

Woke up this morning with the residuals of my migraine left. Stayed in bed as long as I could. the kids did a good job today. Principal came in to tell us that the district wanted to see one of my aides; they'd be considering moving staff around and wanted to talk to her. We weren't happy to hear that. I had to leave them all with a sub while I went to go visit the cardiologist... 2 hours in the waiting room before I got to see the doctor. Front office people always overbook their doctors and when we all show up it's a mess. I even overheard him telling them that they were booking way too many people. Visit went well, though. He said I don't have to go back for two years. Still have the murmur, though, and we would revisit the whether or not I needed to do another ultrasound then. He said I should get more magnesium in my diet to reduce the flutters.

Then I got the message from my aide that they are indeed moving her come Monday. What am I going to do without her? She has been such a support for me in the classroom, and in life. I don't think I could've kept any amount of sanity about me if she hadn't been there to listen to me and keep me fighting for my marriage. I have never had a girl friend I thought I couldn't live without.

Went to my voice lessons. I feel like I am beginning to get some of the strength that I once had back. Supposed to look for a song to sing next week. That's the hard part. There are so many songs out there, how do I pick one to get started with.

When I got home, handsome had tiled another section of the fireplace. I had picked up the fireplace glass on the way home. We went to dinner, nothing fancy- El Pollo Loco, then the grocery store. Now I am playing with the computer and he is working on the tile layout.

Today is one of those days that I feel really good, almost normal. He is finally the loving, romantic, husband that I married and then disappeared for a while. Maybe he needed to break my heart before he could learn how to love. Maybe we would never have been happy without him trying to destroy us all. It just really sucks that he had to drive me to the brink of insanity in order to see how much I mean to him. I wish he could've appreciated me without pulverizing my heart into tiny pieces. But today is a day I feel like I almost don't even care about what he did, almost.

poem

We had a true love story
Not the usual one, but one I loved to tell
Everyday, we spent every moment together
Just couldn't get enough, had to make it permanent

One glass block at a time,
Boxed me inside, taking everything I had
I gave it all freely, but didn't know the price
As I watched you from inside
Couldn't reach you anymore.

She understood you.
But you never gave me the chance.
You couldn't give up her jokes.
What's so funny 'bout my shattered heart?

Year after year, you put her before me.
My needs didn't register, you were selfish to the core.
I needed you desperately, but you needed your whore.
I was dying a slow death, while you found new life in her.

You didn't love me, not the way you should've done.
Now I'm just supposed to forget?
Tell me how do I get back to happiness.
When do I find again a love story I'm not ashamed to tell?

I gave you my heart, even more, I gave you my soul.
You're still holding them, I can't seem to let you go.
Do people really get over this?
I've never known such pain, such pain and emptiness.

How I still love you is a mystery to me.
A testament to me that God is still in my heart.
You say that you love me, she was just a stupid mistake.
You told her you loved her, too. What do I believe?

Where do I go from here?
How do I live again?
Do I give you one more chance?
Or should we be forever friends?