I surrender to whatever the powers-that-be (whether it is God, the universe, my higher self, my deeper self) decide to do with me.
10/31/09
Thankful...
I am thankful that even when I abandon God, He does not abandon me.
Friday, October 30, 2009
thankful...
I am thankful for God. He has shown me that I might actually achieve peace of mind and perhaps even joy again.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
PISSED OFF!!!
I thought things were going to be better, but he still has absolutely no intention of being transparent. He got an e-mail from her today and refused to let me read it, deleting in front of me. I just might be done. This relationship is always going to be about what HE wants and is willing to give. It is never going to have any inkling of what I want. I told him when I first found out about his affair almost 4 years ago that I was to know about ALL communications. He's just a liar and justifies keeping secrets. I can't live like this any more. He is so afraid that I am wasting his life going over and over this, maybe I should just stop wasting his life and let him move on. I'm tired! If he's still hiding these things, what else is he hiding?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
10/25/2009
Today was a pretty good day. It started at about 4am as I awoke with the usual issues running through my head. As I got out of bed to try to divert my thoughts to something more productive, my handsome woke, asking if I was okay. I was brave enough to say no and he offered to listen. I felt that it was a productive conversation and I was able to relax and fall back to sleep.
When the alarm went off for me to go to church, I rolled over and went back to sleep with being awake at 4 being my excuse not to go. It's no wonder God ain't helping me much. I have every excuse in the world not to go to church.
We got up around 9 and decided we'd go get breakfast. Then off to go sailing... Oh, it was a beautiful day! There was just a light breeze. We followed our friend out in his boat. I actually pulled the boat out of the slip, and this time I didn't end up backwards in the slip. Handsome had to help me a little with the throttle, but I still did it. We sailed a little more than 3 miles out and actually passed up a boat or two. It was an awesome day. Our friend actually passed a bottle of tattoo and diet from his boat to ours. It was fun.
There was a huge pod of Rizo dolphin out. I've never seen them so playful. Usually they are so business oriented, just sticking to their path. But these were splashing and surfing and actually came up to our boat. It always amazes me to see these beautiful creatures.
We only had a little trouble pulling in the main, but he did a great job pulling in the jib. Now we know what all the lines go to. Slowly we'll actually learn what we are doing.
I tried to pull it in the slip, but had to abandon and let him do it when I almost got the stern too close to another boat. Someday I'll get it.
Handsome barbecued some chicken after he hosed down the boat. Still haven't narrowed down where the leak is yet. Then it was nap time. I love nap time. Especially when it turns into rocking the boat. After 13 years, I still love making love to him. He never fails. When he wants me, it is always good!
Then it was time to clean up and go home. We like going home now. It is actually comfortable. A simple, low event day, but fabulous. I didn't have hardly any thoughts of running away or jumping into the ocean.
When the alarm went off for me to go to church, I rolled over and went back to sleep with being awake at 4 being my excuse not to go. It's no wonder God ain't helping me much. I have every excuse in the world not to go to church.
We got up around 9 and decided we'd go get breakfast. Then off to go sailing... Oh, it was a beautiful day! There was just a light breeze. We followed our friend out in his boat. I actually pulled the boat out of the slip, and this time I didn't end up backwards in the slip. Handsome had to help me a little with the throttle, but I still did it. We sailed a little more than 3 miles out and actually passed up a boat or two. It was an awesome day. Our friend actually passed a bottle of tattoo and diet from his boat to ours. It was fun.
There was a huge pod of Rizo dolphin out. I've never seen them so playful. Usually they are so business oriented, just sticking to their path. But these were splashing and surfing and actually came up to our boat. It always amazes me to see these beautiful creatures.
We only had a little trouble pulling in the main, but he did a great job pulling in the jib. Now we know what all the lines go to. Slowly we'll actually learn what we are doing.
I tried to pull it in the slip, but had to abandon and let him do it when I almost got the stern too close to another boat. Someday I'll get it.
Handsome barbecued some chicken after he hosed down the boat. Still haven't narrowed down where the leak is yet. Then it was nap time. I love nap time. Especially when it turns into rocking the boat. After 13 years, I still love making love to him. He never fails. When he wants me, it is always good!
Then it was time to clean up and go home. We like going home now. It is actually comfortable. A simple, low event day, but fabulous. I didn't have hardly any thoughts of running away or jumping into the ocean.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Upset...
So why am I upset today? What is it about not getting the details that I want that I find so absolutely disturbing? Am I jealous that he got to go out and play and have fun while I was left behind? Yep. But that's not it. Dr. says I won't be satisfied with knowing. I'm not satisfied now. The difference is that for once, what I want is what I'd be getting. Not what handsome feels like giving. And I would know that I have a husband that respects me enough to be honest with me and not lie to my face. How am I supposed to believe that he is telling me the truth now if he can't tell me the truth about something he did four years ago?
He had passion and excitement and obsession for someone else. He has no passion or excitement or obsession about me. He's happy with going back to where we were before he had his midlife crisis. I'm not. I want more. So I'm important to him. I get that. But I'm not important enough for him to listen to me or be honest with me or give me what I want. So yet again, he gets everything and I get the shut up and take it. I can't settle for that. I want more. If I have to be alone in this world, I'll just be alone. Why should I pretend there is more with him when there isn't. He doesn't want there to be more. He is content with what we have- me, all alone, for whatever he feels like giving.
He has no desire to know what I think or how I really feel. If he did, he would have read this blog. But he won't. He can't hold my bucket. It's too big for him. He only likes easy. I don't know where to go, other than oblivion. I desire nothing, for what I desire I am always asked to give up. If I don't want anything anymore, I won't have to give anything else up.
So then begs the question...have I stopped wanting him? No.
10/17/09
So after a little more than 24 hours alone, have I figured anything out? Maybe. I see it as this. Either I have lost my mind and ability to perceive truth and reality or he is a big fat liar. If its the 1st, then I will acquiesce to him, find myself a good mood stabilizer and go home. If its the latter, then I stay right here until I have the answers that I need. I'll even ask him if he thinks I will ever be happy while I have questions. He's said it before and I've never argued with him about it. He knows that I won't.
So, today I wake up on the boat, no further than we were 6 months ago. Is that my fault? Yes, I started this as a quest for the truth and I am not going to be satisfied without it.
I went for a walk around the harbor. I thought, as I have may times, he only gives me what he wants to give me, not what I want. He wants me to be happy and proud of him again. How can I be proud of him when I know he's a big fat cheating liar with no respect for his wife. what's to be proud of. The argument is that it's in the past, but it's not. He's still lying now and I can't respect that.
Took a shower, cautiously. I didn't have any flip flops, but I needed a shower so bad. Feel better.
Not hungry and that cold they have is finally catching me. Got a smoothie, though. I guess I'm not completely crazy.
He had passion and excitement and obsession for someone else. He has no passion or excitement or obsession about me. He's happy with going back to where we were before he had his midlife crisis. I'm not. I want more. So I'm important to him. I get that. But I'm not important enough for him to listen to me or be honest with me or give me what I want. So yet again, he gets everything and I get the shut up and take it. I can't settle for that. I want more. If I have to be alone in this world, I'll just be alone. Why should I pretend there is more with him when there isn't. He doesn't want there to be more. He is content with what we have- me, all alone, for whatever he feels like giving.
He has no desire to know what I think or how I really feel. If he did, he would have read this blog. But he won't. He can't hold my bucket. It's too big for him. He only likes easy. I don't know where to go, other than oblivion. I desire nothing, for what I desire I am always asked to give up. If I don't want anything anymore, I won't have to give anything else up.
So then begs the question...have I stopped wanting him? No.
10/17/09
So after a little more than 24 hours alone, have I figured anything out? Maybe. I see it as this. Either I have lost my mind and ability to perceive truth and reality or he is a big fat liar. If its the 1st, then I will acquiesce to him, find myself a good mood stabilizer and go home. If its the latter, then I stay right here until I have the answers that I need. I'll even ask him if he thinks I will ever be happy while I have questions. He's said it before and I've never argued with him about it. He knows that I won't.
So, today I wake up on the boat, no further than we were 6 months ago. Is that my fault? Yes, I started this as a quest for the truth and I am not going to be satisfied without it.
I went for a walk around the harbor. I thought, as I have may times, he only gives me what he wants to give me, not what I want. He wants me to be happy and proud of him again. How can I be proud of him when I know he's a big fat cheating liar with no respect for his wife. what's to be proud of. The argument is that it's in the past, but it's not. He's still lying now and I can't respect that.
Took a shower, cautiously. I didn't have any flip flops, but I needed a shower so bad. Feel better.
Not hungry and that cold they have is finally catching me. Got a smoothie, though. I guess I'm not completely crazy.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
NOT FAIR!
So I am on the verge of running away from home. Why? Cause I want to. I can't deal with this hurt any more. I can't deal with not understanding and not getting answers and it looks as if I am never going to get them. It is not fair that he got to run around and have fun and play and find out what he liked and didn't like with other people while I got yelled at for not having the fucking laundry done! Where the hell is my fun? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! Where is my experimenting with new sex positions and exploring the meaning of my life?
I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to fucking die because this pain will never ever ever ever go away and there is nothing I can God damn do about it and I hate that he did this to me and he doesn't even have to fucking explain himself. He doesn't even have to do anything. He just gets away with it.
I'm done. I can't talk about the way that I feel with those that matter and when I can, it is some how relegated to irrelevant or wrong. Again, I don't want to be here anymore. I wish that I would just die of a fucking heart attack in my sleep and be done with all of this. I hate that I can't leave and that I can't stay.
I hate God for letting this happen to me. There, I said it. I hate God. Are you happy God? Now the enemy wins. I know that I am responsible for my own actions and blah blah blah, but I trusted you! I trusted you unconditionally and this is what I get in return? Maybe I wasn't as obedient as you would have asked, but I loved you and did I really deserve this? I can't see how anything that I did was so deserving of this. I know that lots of people don't deserve the pain that you allow them to have in their lives. Christ didn't deserve to be crucified, but at least he had knowledge of what he was getting into and was given a choice. If I had known this was coming, I would have run the other way. I don't understand your ways. I don't have your peace. And I don't want it if this is what I have to endure. I don't have the strength of martyrs and saints to withstand the pain that you give out. You have to fix this!!!!!! You let this happen and now you have to fix it.
I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to fucking die because this pain will never ever ever ever go away and there is nothing I can God damn do about it and I hate that he did this to me and he doesn't even have to fucking explain himself. He doesn't even have to do anything. He just gets away with it.
I'm done. I can't talk about the way that I feel with those that matter and when I can, it is some how relegated to irrelevant or wrong. Again, I don't want to be here anymore. I wish that I would just die of a fucking heart attack in my sleep and be done with all of this. I hate that I can't leave and that I can't stay.
I hate God for letting this happen to me. There, I said it. I hate God. Are you happy God? Now the enemy wins. I know that I am responsible for my own actions and blah blah blah, but I trusted you! I trusted you unconditionally and this is what I get in return? Maybe I wasn't as obedient as you would have asked, but I loved you and did I really deserve this? I can't see how anything that I did was so deserving of this. I know that lots of people don't deserve the pain that you allow them to have in their lives. Christ didn't deserve to be crucified, but at least he had knowledge of what he was getting into and was given a choice. If I had known this was coming, I would have run the other way. I don't understand your ways. I don't have your peace. And I don't want it if this is what I have to endure. I don't have the strength of martyrs and saints to withstand the pain that you give out. You have to fix this!!!!!! You let this happen and now you have to fix it.
102 Things to be thankful for...
The ones that apply today are in bold.
A beautiful song
A comfortable chair
A cool breeze
A drink of cool water
A full moon
A gentle rain
A glass of cold milk
A good book to read
A good coat
A good husband
A good pillow
A good wife
A scenic drive
Air conditioning
Banana splits
Beaches in the morning
Beautiful women
Birds singing
Blue jeans
Brothers
Butterflies
Butterfly kisses
Ceiling fans
Children laughing
Christmas morning
Clothes that fit well
Comfortable shoes
Compliments
Computers that work
Cooing Babies
Cream Brule
Dark Chocolate
Dishwashers
Diversity
Dried pineapple slices
Fairness
Crackling fire in a fireplace
Flowers
Freedom of religion
Freedom of speech
Fresh ideas
Friendly dogs
Good conversation
Good eyesight
Good friends
Good health
Good movies
Good teachers
Good tires
Grace
Grandchildren
Grandma
Grandpa
Hair spray
High-speed Internet access
Holding hands
Homemade ice cream
Honest people
Hugs
Ice cubes
Indoor plumbing
Kind men
Kittens
Laughter
Live Christmas trees
Morning coffee
Parking spaces near the front
Peanut butter
Plenty of closet space
Polyester
Polite drivers
Porch swings
Pregnant women
Puppies
Quiet mornings
Rainbows
Remote Controls
Roasted peanuts
Shade trees
Silk pajamas
Sisters
Smiles
Snow covered mountains
Snowflakes
Soft toilet paper
Sunrises
Sunsets
Thanksgiving dinner
That I wasn't in the obituaries today
The color of autumn leaves
The ocean
The smell of a Sunday roast cooking
The smell of homemade bread
The words "I love you"
Tire swings
True friends
Uninterrupted dinners
Warm kisses
Warm showers
Whipped cream
White puffy clouds
Wrinkle-free clothes
A beautiful song
A comfortable chair
A cool breeze
A drink of cool water
A full moon
A gentle rain
A glass of cold milk
A good book to read
A good coat
A good husband
A good pillow
A good wife
A scenic drive
Air conditioning
Banana splits
Beaches in the morning
Beautiful women
Birds singing
Blue jeans
Brothers
Butterflies
Butterfly kisses
Ceiling fans
Children laughing
Christmas morning
Clothes that fit well
Comfortable shoes
Compliments
Computers that work
Cooing Babies
Cream Brule
Dark Chocolate
Dishwashers
Diversity
Dried pineapple slices
Fairness
Crackling fire in a fireplace
Flowers
Freedom of religion
Freedom of speech
Fresh ideas
Friendly dogs
Good conversation
Good eyesight
Good friends
Good health
Good movies
Good teachers
Good tires
Grace
Grandchildren
Grandma
Grandpa
Hair spray
High-speed Internet access
Holding hands
Homemade ice cream
Honest people
Hugs
Ice cubes
Indoor plumbing
Kind men
Kittens
Laughter
Live Christmas trees
Morning coffee
Parking spaces near the front
Peanut butter
Plenty of closet space
Polyester
Polite drivers
Porch swings
Pregnant women
Puppies
Quiet mornings
Rainbows
Remote Controls
Roasted peanuts
Shade trees
Silk pajamas
Sisters
Smiles
Snow covered mountains
Snowflakes
Soft toilet paper
Sunrises
Sunsets
Thanksgiving dinner
That I wasn't in the obituaries today
The color of autumn leaves
The ocean
The smell of a Sunday roast cooking
The smell of homemade bread
The words "I love you"
Tire swings
True friends
Uninterrupted dinners
Warm kisses
Warm showers
Whipped cream
White puffy clouds
Wrinkle-free clothes
Monday, October 12, 2009
10/12/2009
Today was a difficult day for me. I made it through the work part of the day well, no problems. But then when I got home, everything that I did was the wrong thing. Precious and Handsome had an argument for every thing that I said. Even when he would solicit opinion, it was wrong before I even finished a sentence. I just don't have the energy to be constantly condescended to. I understand he doesn't feel well, but I just get shit on and we never talk about the problem.
Got new carpet today. It is fabulous!
Got new carpet today. It is fabulous!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Today's gratitude
What am I thankful for today? I can see. I can walk. I'm still breathing. I get to go see the psychologist this week. I was able to pay all my bills this month! I have awesome, supportive friends. That website I found is helping me to sort out some of my feelings. It doesn't completely eradicate his responsibility in my healing, but it is helping me to better understand, and maybe prepare me better for what I might hear.
It just hit me!
I just had a brain storm. I've been reading the tvexplorer web page and as difficult as it is, it has definitely been helping. I don't know why I have been so incessantly obsessing on finding the truth. Then I was reading their blog about what will it be like in 10 years, just as boring? That's when it hit me. I am not afraid that he will cheat again. I am afraid that our marriage will be as empty as it was before he cheated. He will still lock me out of thought and heart and I will again shut down and dead comes just after that.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wondering...
I was wondering what it was that they talked about. Tens of thousands of hours of documented conversation, that's just what is proven. What did they talk about?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
10/5/2009
Well, today's the birthday. Fairly uneventful. But right now, I like it that way. Things have been so wrong for so long, I like calm. The kids were good today, that was their present to me. I did, however, spend quite a bit of the day brooding about how fricking depressed I am. I am not sure if it just hormonal or if it is just part of the grief cycle. I wish there was some way that I could neutralize the roller coaster of being a woman enough to be able to determine what part of my issues are of their own. It is so strange how as soon as I hear his voice, I forget I'm pissed off. I'm not pretending. I genuinely love hearing his voice. Maybe my time alone will make me miss him so much that it won't matter how much of a liar he really is. I don't know; we'll see.
I got a beautiful little bracelet from my friend and aide. She has been the best support for me in all of this and I thank God for her patience. Even when I don't feel like talking about how I feel, she can tell when I'm upset and manages to pull it out of me. It's therapeutic. Sometimes I think my cousin got it right when she fell in love with a woman.
I got my usual bouquet from Mom and Dad. This one was really beautiful. Complete with Lilies and carnations...my two favorite. Carnations because they seem to live the longest as cut flowers and lilies because of their intoxicating aroma. Dad has been sending me flowers ever since I was 16 and he was in Panama. It's the only time every year that I get flowers from anyone, and I love it. It has lifted a bit of the funk off. Precious always remembers it's my birthday when she sees the flowers. That helps me feel better, too.
I got a beautiful little bracelet from my friend and aide. She has been the best support for me in all of this and I thank God for her patience. Even when I don't feel like talking about how I feel, she can tell when I'm upset and manages to pull it out of me. It's therapeutic. Sometimes I think my cousin got it right when she fell in love with a woman.
I got my usual bouquet from Mom and Dad. This one was really beautiful. Complete with Lilies and carnations...my two favorite. Carnations because they seem to live the longest as cut flowers and lilies because of their intoxicating aroma. Dad has been sending me flowers ever since I was 16 and he was in Panama. It's the only time every year that I get flowers from anyone, and I love it. It has lifted a bit of the funk off. Precious always remembers it's my birthday when she sees the flowers. That helps me feel better, too.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thankful...
Today I am thankful that my students have not had any major behavior issues. I am thankful for my friends who continue to listen to me vent over the same issue over and over again for months on end.
Upset...
This morning as I woke, everything that I had read came flooding to mind. I've had to postpone my emotions as this case finishes, but now it's over and between two months of managing until I can spill with the counselor and PMS encroaching + work stress, I'm not sure I can hold on for two more weeks. But I don't want to deal with what I feel is still deception without a witness anymore. All the stories that I've read of women healing have come from those whose husbands come completely clean. He just doesn't realize that all of his secrets will mess everything up as long as the stay secrets. He will never trust in my love as long as he can think "If she knew I did that, she wouldn't love me." He's never trusted me and I have't earned that mistrust. But I've found myself thinking that I don't want that witch to have the right to destroy my life. She is not a good enough of a person to have the power to take my life from me, and yet, I'm giving her that power. He gave her the power to destroy not only my life, but my very being. I will NEVER be the same person again. I am permanently changed. I need some time alone to figure out who I've become, without having to take care of other people.
Upset...
This morning as I woke, everything that I had read came flooding to mind. I've had to postpone my emotions as this case finishes, but now it's over and between two months of managing until I can spill with the counselor and PMS encroaching + work stress, I'm not sure I can hold on for two more weeks. But I don't want to deal with what I feel is still deception without a witness anymore. All the stories that I've read of women healing have come from those whose husbands come completely clean. He just doesn't realize that all of his secrets will mess everything up as long as the stay secrets. He will never trust in my love as long as he can think "If she knew I did that, she wouldn't love me." He's never trusted me and I have't earned that mistrust. But I've found myself thinking that I don't want that witch to have the right to destroy my life. She is not a good enough of a person to have the power to take my life from me, and yet, I'm giving her that power. He gave her the power to destroy not only my life, but my very being. I will NEVER be the same person again. I am permanently changed. I need some time alone to figure out who I've become, without having to take care of other people.
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