NOT FAIR!

So I am on the verge of running away from home. Why? Cause I want to. I can't deal with this hurt any more. I can't deal with not understanding and not getting answers and it looks as if I am never going to get them. It is not fair that he got to run around and have fun and play and find out what he liked and didn't like with other people while I got yelled at for not having the fucking laundry done! Where the hell is my fun? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! Where is my experimenting with new sex positions and exploring the meaning of my life?

I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to fucking die because this pain will never ever ever ever go away and there is nothing I can God damn do about it and I hate that he did this to me and he doesn't even have to fucking explain himself. He doesn't even have to do anything. He just gets away with it.

I'm done. I can't talk about the way that I feel with those that matter and when I can, it is some how relegated to irrelevant or wrong. Again, I don't want to be here anymore. I wish that I would just die of a fucking heart attack in my sleep and be done with all of this. I hate that I can't leave and that I can't stay.

I hate God for letting this happen to me. There, I said it. I hate God. Are you happy God? Now the enemy wins. I know that I am responsible for my own actions and blah blah blah, but I trusted you! I trusted you unconditionally and this is what I get in return? Maybe I wasn't as obedient as you would have asked, but I loved you and did I really deserve this? I can't see how anything that I did was so deserving of this. I know that lots of people don't deserve the pain that you allow them to have in their lives. Christ didn't deserve to be crucified, but at least he had knowledge of what he was getting into and was given a choice. If I had known this was coming, I would have run the other way. I don't understand your ways. I don't have your peace. And I don't want it if this is what I have to endure. I don't have the strength of martyrs and saints to withstand the pain that you give out. You have to fix this!!!!!! You let this happen and now you have to fix it.