Upset...

So why am I upset today? What is it about not getting the details that I want that I find so absolutely disturbing? Am I jealous that he got to go out and play and have fun while I was left behind? Yep. But that's not it. Dr. says I won't be satisfied with knowing. I'm not satisfied now. The difference is that for once, what I want is what I'd be getting. Not what handsome feels like giving. And I would know that I have a husband that respects me enough to be honest with me and not lie to my face. How am I supposed to believe that he is telling me the truth now if he can't tell me the truth about something he did four years ago?

He had passion and excitement and obsession for someone else. He has no passion or excitement or obsession about me. He's happy with going back to where we were before he had his midlife crisis. I'm not. I want more. So I'm important to him. I get that. But I'm not important enough for him to listen to me or be honest with me or give me what I want. So yet again, he gets everything and I get the shut up and take it. I can't settle for that. I want more. If I have to be alone in this world, I'll just be alone. Why should I pretend there is more with him when there isn't. He doesn't want there to be more. He is content with what we have- me, all alone, for whatever he feels like giving.

He has no desire to know what I think or how I really feel. If he did, he would have read this blog. But he won't. He can't hold my bucket. It's too big for him. He only likes easy. I don't know where to go, other than oblivion. I desire nothing, for what I desire I am always asked to give up. If I don't want anything anymore, I won't have to give anything else up.

So then begs the question...have I stopped wanting him? No.


10/17/09
So after a little more than 24 hours alone, have I figured anything out? Maybe. I see it as this. Either I have lost my mind and ability to perceive truth and reality or he is a big fat liar. If its the 1st, then I will acquiesce to him, find myself a good mood stabilizer and go home. If its the latter, then I stay right here until I have the answers that I need. I'll even ask him if he thinks I will ever be happy while I have questions. He's said it before and I've never argued with him about it. He knows that I won't.

So, today I wake up on the boat, no further than we were 6 months ago. Is that my fault? Yes, I started this as a quest for the truth and I am not going to be satisfied without it.

I went for a walk around the harbor. I thought, as I have may times, he only gives me what he wants to give me, not what I want. He wants me to be happy and proud of him again. How can I be proud of him when I know he's a big fat cheating liar with no respect for his wife. what's to be proud of. The argument is that it's in the past, but it's not. He's still lying now and I can't respect that.

Took a shower, cautiously. I didn't have any flip flops, but I needed a shower so bad. Feel better.

Not hungry and that cold they have is finally catching me. Got a smoothie, though. I guess I'm not completely crazy.