today's thanks

Today I am thankful for the good memories I was able to recall.

I remembered being out in the ocean with the dolphin...

Playing video games with Precious and Handsome...


1/3/10
I know this is going to sound very odd given what I've written in the past, but I find myself grateful for my husband's hurtful behavior. It's not that I ever thought I was the best person in the world. I always wondered why he didn't leave me. He did a really good job of making me feel inadequate. But this event has helped me to see that I am not so special and totally replacable. I joke with my brother that there is nothing like your husband cheating on you to wipe out any pride you may be harboring.

And my inability to let go and forgive, obsessing on what he did to me has made me see how weak I am. That and my inability to leave my husband when I absolutely think I should. My inability to control my very thoughts has shown me how much I truly need God in my life. He is my strength.

Would I have ever reached this realization had my husband not done smething entirely selfish and idiotic. At the moment, I am grateful for my broken heart. It appears God is always going to use my husband to bring me closer to Him. Whether it be in joy or sorrow, my husband is my path to God.

News...

Yahoo Headline... Tiger loses another sponsor.

I can't help but smile as his life goes down before the eyes of the whole world. That's evil of me, I know. And how contradictory of me is it to wish this man destruction, while I see my husband as just plain stupid and try to put my life back together with him.

I see her beating the shit out of her husband and call her my hero. She was able to act in a way that I wish that I could have, but I became paralyzed. I wish that I had had the presence of mind to wail on my husband. Maybe if I had actually reacted in a different manner, he might have had the respect to stop. Instead, he only saw that he could do what he wanted and it didn't matter if it hurt me. I was too weak and idiotic to do anything about it.

I still am. Here I sit having made the decision to forgive him; too afraid to live my life without him. It's the "Christian" thing to do, right? Sometimes I get damn tired of doing the "right" thing. But I don't think I know how to do any differently, for better or worse.

Recalling good things...

How sad is this, I can't think of one totally good, untarnished moment in our life together. Maybe I should give up.

Good things about me- I'm a good teacher.

Thankful...

What can I be thankful for on this second to last day of 2009? Oh I know! That 2009 is almost over. It has been by far the absolute worst year of my life. I will never, ever be naive enough to say that next year couldn't possibly be worse. I said that last year and boy was I proven wrong. I suppose I am just grateful that I am alive, healthy and still have my things and my job. I couldn't possibly imaging a worse year than this, but I am sure that there is someone or something out there ready to prove me wrong and finally push me over the brink of sanity.

I know it is awful to wish your life away, but thank God this year is over!

Fear

I've been thinking about our marriage a lot today. I so much want to be happy, but I've been realizing that we have never been happy together. I've been going to therapy for 9 years to try to make our marriage better and it just gets worse and worse.

I feel like a blowup doll, a disposable accessory in his life and truth be told I've felt that way for a long time... a very long time. I still feel that way. His priorities are supposed to be mine and whatever I might want is secondary. I am not a priority in his life. He doesn't want me any more, I mean really want me.

I learned today that I am extremely afraid of wanting him again and just being rejected again. The feeling started long before his affair and was just magnified by his infidelities.

I shouldn't have to ask him to want me. He's shown me before what it is like when he does, or maybe I was just the body for his fantasies of other people. If I I have to tell him how to want me, he's not really wanting me.

Perhaps that's what it all comes down to. I am just afraid of being rejected for the 99th time. It started even before we were married. He's told me he wants a divorce at least twice a year for most of our lives, but he never says what he's unhappy with. Then he finally stopped saying he wanted a divorce but started fucking other people.

How am I supposed to trust him, to really open myself up to him again? I can't feel like this any more.

Responding to the News...

Headline on the Drudge Report talks about the issues of the new health care and whether or not the government should pay for any of them. Don't people know that the government pays for abortions now? Of course I disagree with any money of mine being used for that, but it's been going on forever.

One of the thoughts that it brings up is just the inability to define life left to the scientific community. It baffles me that scientists have a criteria for life that they intend to use on other planets, but they can't determine when a human is alive or not.

affirmation

I take care of me!

Monastery

Made a trip to the monastery yesterday. It was a two hour drive, but it was definitely worth it. I want to live my life in God's will, but this mess with my husband has kept me from truly being able to be close to Him. I spent the day with the sisters in prayer and talking with the Abbess. We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation. We talked about how to pray with purpose. She reminded me that I needed to go to confession. "Scrub your conscience clean". It is hard to see the faults of others when we are focused on our own unworthiness. It is also easier to be merciful when we see that we are in need of mercy as well.

Thankful...

Thankful for 70 degree weather in December!

Thankful

Thankful for a good day at work today. All the kids behaved well!

Thankful...

I am having a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for today. After my last post about having a divorced frame of mind made me be here because I want to be, I had some really good days. Then I had some not so great days. I feel undesirable, unwanted, and rejected. Not just over the affair, but our life together. It's not a new feeling. It's how I've felt for years and it is only complicated by the fact that he was willing and able to give another person the kind of attention that I crave. It makes me feel as though we just aren't meant to be together. He's comfortable with me, but I certainly don't feel wanted by him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but I can only try to seduce him and get turned down so many times before I give up. He's always upset about something. How's a person supposed to reduce their stress level when somebody's always bitching about every little thing. All I want to do is sleep. He dealt with his depression by sleeping, too... with someone else. I've thought about that option, too, but all I can think about is all of the predators that are out there that I don't have the capacity at this point to recognize. Besides, who would want this frowny face anyway?

I used to be the kind of person whose base layer was always happy. No matter how hard or sad my life was, I always had this foundation of joy. Now my foundation is misery and I hate it. I hate that he has made me this way. It is said that it's a choice, but it's not.

So what am I thankful for? The fireplace!

Thankful

Thankful today that I have the capacity to express my feelings. One of my first students could barely communicate at all. I am grateful that I have found this outlet of writing, even if it does suck. It has been very helpful in keeping the tiniest portion of my sanity still intact.

divorce

Today I had another thought. What if I were to go ahead and divorce him. Dr. said that he didn't think I should take leaving out as an option, I should always stay because I want to be here, not because I have to. So what if I did divorce him. What if I divided up all the assets and bills and made it so that I could walk out the door at a moment's notice and never even have to turn around. Then he would owe me nothing and I would be responsible for nothing of his. We would both be here just because we want to be. He wouldn't have to explain the shit he put me through because it wouldn't matter anymore. I wouldn't be his wife. I'd just be a roommate and girlfriend. Hell, that's what I've already been for the last four years, might as well make it official. I could leave anytime I wanted and he could tell me he didn't want me at any moment and that would be it. Obviously there is not any commitment in this marriage already. He's already left and cheated and I spend everyday thinking I should get a divorce. So if we do, I would know that I am absolutely here each day because I want to be and he wants me to be. Don't get me wrong, I am not staying because I have to. I could divorce and leave if my heart would make up its mind. I just think by doing the business end, it takes my head out of the equation and my heart can do what it wants. If I have a day where I feel like loving, I can love. If I feel like hating and living on the boat for a week, there's nothing to stop me. I would owe him nothing. For once in my life, I could be the selfish one.

scrapbook

Since Handsome doesn't remember anything at all about our life and I only remember the bad stuff, I thought I would start some scrapbook memories of the good stuff. That way, if I make it another 50 years with this man, I'll actually have something positive to tell people, maybe even grandkids...


Taking out the old 1980's upper kitchen cabinets. Making room for the old...


12/6/09
bmindful.com- affirmation log

I am patient.

Today's thanks...

Today I will focus on just today. The whole "be in the now" concept.

What can I be thankful for today? It's Friday!!

I went to dinner with a friend yesterday that I met during summer school. She was the aide in my class and got to hear the little pieces of my broken life. We ended up making a connection. I am making efforts now in my life when I make a connection to keep that connection. I am grateful for her friendship. We talked about our work. I haven't seen her since July. And we talked about our husbands. She was supportive to me in the summer when we talked and hinted at things that were in her marriage, but it wasn't until yesterday that she told me that her husband had had affairs as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who understood exactly how I feel.

Everything that I deal with she is dealing with as well. The random thoughts. Do I want to know or don't I? Do I really want to stay? Being angry with God because He won't just make me all better. Feeling like staying is the wrong thing to do, but being able to bring ourselves to leave. Wanting to do God's will in our marriages, but having no clue what that is- stay or go. He tells us he doesn't want us to leave, but leaves the door wide open for us to go!

So even though I am so sorry that she is in the same hell that I am, it's nice to not be alone in the fire. I am grateful that she wants my friendship and she isn't just another person who has come and gone in my world.

post therapy

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last two weeks. It seems like I do a lot of thinking. Today, I'm on a more positive upswing. I asked myself if I would like my husband, love him, enjoy him, if he had never cheated. If we could take this horrible thing out of our lives and erase it, would I want to be with him? I have spent so much time thinking about whether or not I can live with what he did that I stopped thinking about him. I haven't stopped loving him or enjoying his company. The only barrier to us being truly happy is my broken heart.

I've been trying to decide if I should just stop thinking about whether or not I should stay. I feel like as long as I leave the door open to give up, it makes it easier to do just that. What if I closed the door on leaving? Dr. says not so good an idea because then I will feel more like I am stuck.

I suppose the truth is that I don't want to give up what could be. Maybe it never will be, but if I leave, it never can be. How can I say that I believe God can heal anything and not even give him the chance? Do I really have faith in Him or do I only have faith in what I can do myself?

I still hate that he has done this to me. I still don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'll be 80 years old and someone will ask me about our lives and I will be very reluctant to tell our story. It's not beautiful anymore. Our marriage is more like a Picasso than a Degas. Far more abstract, needing a special eye to appreciate. Maybe someday it will be a priceless masterpiece. Maybe after I'm dead and gone someone will appreciate our story.

admit that something scares you...

I am afraid. I am afraid that this will never go away. I am afraid that it is not possible to forgive and that I have to leave my husband. It's not fair that he put me in this position. He wasn't the only one that felt that we didn't have a perfect marriage. I tried to make it work. I went to counseling, not him. I didn't give up on us. He did. I don't care how horrible he may think I was to him, I didn't deserve what he did. I have always been able to forgive everyone everything. If I can't forgive this, what does that say about me? My faith?

Thankful...

I am thankful that I seem to be getting my voice back. I realized that my 16 year old self would absolutely hate me because I have given up on every single dream I ever had, or had it taken from me. So I am playing with my voice and seeing what I can do with it.

After about 2 months of lessons, the cobwebs seem to be shaking off. I am regaining some of my range back and am starting to like what I hear again. I am even playing with the idea of performing again. It has been so long since I have been in front of an audience. I was young and stupid then. Now I'm just stupid.

We're talking about recording. I am totally nervous. I haven't recorded my voice in nearly 20 years, and then I was only back up.

The hardest part is choosing a song that means something to me. All the love songs mean shit to me. I find that I am often too mad at God for the Christian choices. And the "Hit the Road Jack" songs don't apply either, cause I'm still here.

I thought about "My Tribute", but I was having some difficulty thinking of "the things He has done for me". Then I realized, He has given me so much, even in this hell I live in. He has been here for me, faithfully. He died for my sins, which are plenty. He has given me gifts that allow me to sing and to care for children that most would not have the patience for. Even when I abandoned Him, he never left my side, even if I felt He had.

I have always started with that song at every new church that I've sung at. Maybe I should start there again. Especially as I sit thinking about my gratitude log...