1/31/10

Woke up early this morning. Woke up before Handsome, which is unusual for any day, let alone a Sunday. Did my 30 minute Wii workout. I'm getting stronger, but not any lighter. Doesn't matter. I'm not really trying to lose weight, just fix my brain chemistry and keep my heart healthy.

By the time I was finished, he had gotten up and showered. I went upstairs to do the same. I was wearing my flannel pajama top and a pair of his boxers. He threw me on the bed and planted a passionate kiss on me. It was wonderful.

Took a shower and got dressed. Went downstairs and was surprised that he wanted to eat breakfast at home again. Unusual for a weekend, but at least I'd get to eat something healthy.

We headed down to the harbor to install some lights on the swimstep. This was actually a fun project for Handsome, one just cause he could play with wires. At least on obligatory stop at the hardware store on the way.

Once he got it mostly run, I had to crawl in the bilge and tack up the wires where he couldn't reach. While he was finishing up, M and C came by with the kids. We talked for a little while. C is moving to gen ed after 15 years of special ed. I'm a little jealous, but she's earned it.

A little call of "son of a bitch" and they were quickly off. Handsome has a colorful vocabulary when he's working on a project.

While he finished up, I ran to Del Taco and grabbed lunch. We ate and called JB. Sad to hear that he is moving, but his wife won't have to work. That's nice for her.

It's a beautiful, sunny day with just a little chill in the air. I'm going to go enjoy the sun.

Facing Fears

It's not a fear of abandonment. I can handle him leaving. It's a fear which has been proven true, the fear of being stupid, weak, and used. Of living a life that is not real, but is just lies.

compatible?

We've been together 13 1/2 years. Of that, I've been going to counseling for 8, which means we've been miserably unhappy for at least 9 years, if not more. Things have only gotten worse over time and it doesn't look as though we will be happy, really happy, still for a while. Perhaps his affairs are just a reflection of the fact that we are not meant for each other. He used to talk about how heloved his first wife, they just couldn't live with each other. Maybe it's the same with us?

Thankful

I am thankful for my Precious and for internet... although it was an avenue for my husband to be a cheating bastard, it helps keep me organized.

1/28/2010

Journal reflection- March 19, 2004

O lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on YOur Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


I read this at a crazy time in my life. When hasn't been a crazy time? Although my life is far more simple than a giant number of people, it seems it has been crazy to me. I was working full time, going to school full time for my credential, home schooling Precious, and still responsible for everything in the house- the bills, the groceries, dinner, cleaning everything. I needed this connection with God and sought Him out for support. Apparently I will always need him for support. I guess I can see now how easy it was for the ones wandering in the desert with Moses to forget who saved them. I felt distant from my husband, like he had shut me out and I was a huge disappointment even as I struggled to get him the things that he wanted. We enjoyed the boat and he spent a lot of his free time on the Trophy, taking it out before or after work.

This Epistle reading has struck me today as I read it in the circumstance that I am in now. I am trying to move on in my life, but I just don't know if I want to stay still. Repay evil with a blessing? Is that God's way of telling me that even though my husband doesn't trust me or believe me, even though I am not the one who screwed around, it is my place to take the higher ground. I just have so little respect for myself.

Today is a work day. I've got a sub and I can get out for a while. I needed a day by myself. I hope the kids are doing well, but I don't really want to check in.

Thankful

I am thankful for potatoes... and cheese. : D

Thankful

I am thankful that my husband has become a nicer person.


I just wish it hadn't had to cost me so much to get there.

Yummmm

The next time you want to complain about your sex life, remember last night. He was attentive and amazing.

I wish he was as obsessed with me as he was with cheating on me.

I wish that he could trust me as much as he trusted her, but I realize that is a gift that will never, ever happen.

The perfect storm

Unusually strong winds are hitting us here. Worried about a leak in the boat, we decided to go down to the harbor and check on the boat. The drive was a little tense with the traffic and the driving rain. We went to get a little snack, but pulled over on the way. There was a waterfall right there in the harbor. Maybe not romantic, as it was runoff, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He jumped out of the car to get a picture. I thought about following, but hesitated. After a minute, though, the rain and the fall were too tempting. I jumped out and the rain felt wonderful. I was happy.

We finally decided to go. He needed to get something to eat. After our snack, it was back to the boat. Pulled into the parking lot and there was a little puddle outside the door of the car. Of course, the rain was driving harder than it had all day, right at the point that we had to run to the boat through the rain. And that's just what we did. As we ran through the rain, I couldn't help but say to him that this was how some of my favorite fantasies began, two lovers running through the rain, caught off guard.

I jumped up on the boat over the safety lines and dropped them so he could get over them. I scrambled to get the lock off and take the door pieces off, while it just seemed to rain harder and harder. Finally got inside and pulled off my coat so that I could move around better. He stayed in the cockpit.

I looked around a little, expecting he would come down in just a second. Found the front hatch was fine, but there was a little leak on the port side of the boat, where we had already fixed, or thought we had fixed, the leak. I wasn't too bad, though. I pulled the cushions off the settee so that they wouldn't soak up any water that might leak down. As I checked a few more places, the rain really started to come down. I crawled back into the aft cabin to check and make sure the berth was staying dry.



When I came back out of the stateroom, he had come down into the stairs, but he was drenched. Soaking wet to the core. It was raining so hard, there was no way we could go out in the rain again. I suggested he should get out of his wet clothes. I keep a change of clothes for both of us in the locker.

acknowlegement

I have to just acknowledge to myself that even though I've chosen to forgive my husband, I am always going to wish that he believed in me and respected me enough to tell me the truth, the entire truth. But I also wish that $1,000,000,000 would fall in my lap. I need to just accept that the one is about as likely to happen as the other. My husand just doesn't trust me, and probably never will.

I wish...

I wish that I had been worthy of all the dirty porn he sent to his girlfriends. It might have been nice if he had wanted to turn me on, too, or instead of them.

Thankful

I am thankful for this blog... and TV's ... and the internet. It has been my one refuge when I needed some kind of answer, even if I couldn't get the answers that I wanted from the sources that I wanted.

1/20/2010

What's up today? Just another day. Of course, I feel terrible, but I'm doing my best to pretend I feel fine. Nothing I am able to do about anything. I am just counting the days until the next dr. visit. I have three issues that are eating up at me- not forgiving myself, feeling very undesirable, and seeing that he is basically a dishonest man that feels that if a person can find a way to get away with something, anything, they should go ahead and do it. He can justify anything. This is so dichotomous to who I am, I think it will destroy anything we have left together. I am certainly not going to become a more dishonest person. That is part of the foundation of who I am. If there is anything left of who I ever was, that is all that is left. I am not going to give it up!

Got up early this morning and did some more yoga. Lost a pound, even with PMS. Maybe it will stay gone? My brain just feels weird and I am getting that "I just wish I could die" feeling back again. I am seriously contemplating meds again... I just can't afford them right now. I am budgeted beyond my means and I can't squeeze out med money, too. I hate that I have allowed my life to be so screwed up. Nobody is to blame but me. What I have gotten, I have let happen, every step of the way.

Kids were a little more squirrelly today. Another day stuck in the rain and they are getting antsy. I love listening to the rain, though.

I am a little on edge. He is home today and I am not as trusting that he is behaving as I have been. Dr. says it will take 5 years before I can trust him again, if there is only 1 affair, which I don't believe there was. I believe there were many, in which case, I will never trust him again. Forgiving him doesn't mean believing him.

I am only happy when I am close to God. Any other time, I just want to disappear.

Thankful

As we redo the kitchen to make my husband happy, I am thankful that he knows how to most of the stuff himself. He is currently rerouting the water line for the refrigerator water, which would have cost a bundle to have a plumber do. But since he can do it, he can make himself happy with something new and not spending a lot of money. And I benefit, too- a happy husband and a nice kitchen.

jealous

I find myself jealous of her, and the others. He could spend an entire day talking to her, texting, e-mailing, and whatever else. We don't have a whole lot to talk about anymore. Okay, she was funny, which I will admit, I'm not. She was perverted, which I'm not. But we used to talk non stop. Is it just that we've talked ourselves out or is he just over me?

bucket

Let's say, hypothetically, that he's no longer able to have sex, which is not the case. I feel like he wasted the last of our sex life on strangers. Then again, he may not see it as a waste. He obviously enjoyed himself. Maybe he sees it as actually getting to enjoy his sex life rather than the mediocrity he gets with me. If it has to be over, at least he got to have fun?

1/18/10

Today is a pouring rain day. Pouring. I was going to get up early and go see LR and R, but I kept waking up every 10 minutes. I think I was nervous about driving in a downpour, but I'm not sure. So I ended up not going. I felt like a total flake.

We got up around 8. Handsome made breakfast. It reminded me of when we were dating and he would make egg sandwiches for me in the morning.

Then we spent the next couple of hours tearing the rest of the tile up in the kitchen and tore out one of the cabinets. He would come in from taking stuff to the dumpster soaked... It would make me smile. All my favorite fantasies start with rain and a soaking wet man.

When we finished, he decided we should go down to check on the boat to see if it was leaking. When we got there, we found a surprise... a waterfall right there in the harbor. We stopped to take some pictures.
It was beautiful, even if it was runoff.

Then to Taco Bell to take care of his insulin reaction and have lunch. Taco Bell was leaking. It made us both dread what we migh see when we got to our boat. Sent pix of the waterfall to some friends while we ate.

By the time we got to the boat it was pouring hard. We ran to the boat and my mind began to write its next story. Maybe we could run a dress rehearsal for some ideas. ;-D. I got the boat opened up and checked the front hatch. No leak, he sealed that up pretty good. Looking around I was dismayed to discover the port leak was still there. No fantasy come true today. Now I was bummed and he was pissed off.

We locked up and headed out. The waterfall had grown even larger and was spilling out over the grass. Took one last look and now we're on our way home again.

Maybe I'm too romantic for my own good. Seems like a perfectly good romance novel opportunity. I set myself up for disappointment by wanting things. But I'll just be happy that he's with me and pray that he's not thinking of someone else. It's going to rain all week...

memories

When he enjoyed the simple things, like feeding me a piece of cake in the kitchen of his apartment.

Thankful

I am thankful for the fireplace on this cold, rainy day.

new challenge

Now that I have come to the conclusion that I have no other choice than to forgive my husband and his paramours, it seems that I have one more task left. I decided I was too stupid and weak to leave him, "I love him". I sound like a whiny Maury guest. I am never going to get what I have asked from him and her, so why keep beating my head against the wall? There's nothing I can do to make any of them become honest people of integrity.

Now here is the part that I am dealing with now... the forgiving of myself. What for? For being stupid, gullible, weak, ignorant, blind, untrustworthy, not respectable, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on again and again and still sticks around for more. I used to pride myself on how smart I was... he's proven that wrong. I used to think myself as strong... again, he's shown that's not true. I used to think I was inherently an honest person, and yet I lied to myself day after day for more than four years. I used to think I was sexy and desirable, but he has no passion or desire for me. We have sex, but there's no fire, and it isn't very often, hasn't been for a long time. It's like he used it all up on the strangers and girlfriends and now all his passion and foreplay is gone.

This challenge has always been there, but now in moving my anger for him and them out of my way, I am left with my anger at myself. I have to learn to forgive myself and I feel that this will be the most difficult task of them all.

Thankful

I am thankful that is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend!!!!!!!

Thankful

I almost feel guilty as I watch the news in Haiti. There is a list of a million things to be thankful for in light of the tragedy that exists this week. My heart and prayers go to the people who are suffering.

afraid

He said to me when we were dating that he hated that his wife had lied. "If you can lie about something little, you can lie about something big." He proved that so well. He has lied to me about many things, not just his affairs. I am afraid that being dishonest is just a part of who he is. And I don't think I can live with that.

thankful

I am thankful that he wanted to make me a part of a fantasy, and be mine.

thankful

Today I am thankful for a great counselor. I could have been unlucky and found someone who really didn't help at all, or even made things worse.

Thankful...

I am thankful today that my Precious is safe and not seriously injured. She was sparring with a friend and got knocked in the head a few times. She ended up with a concussion. I'm glad that she is going to be okay!