activity log 10/30/10

9:55 Had a very good and happy day. Checking my calendar.

10/24/10

Didn't sleep much last night. Handsome woke me up about 1:00 am wanting to play which I never mind. Yet I ended up feeling like a blow up doll again. No kissing. No caressing. No attempt to actually turn me on. It made me feel undesirable. Pretty much everything I want to say I've already said here somewhere. I spent hours researching how to make him want me again. Then finally was able to fall asleep. Woke up late for church. Didn't feel well. Handsome brought me home a hot chocolate from Precious. We talked about church for a little bit. I took a quick shower and headed off for church. I was so happy there. I could live in a sanctuary. Left for the boat where the sun was finally out. We pulled out the dead dinghy then went for a paddle. Insecurities resurfacing. Do I just like feeling miserable?

replace negative with positive

My handsome does desire me. I am a sexy and beautiful woman that can ignite passion and desire in the man I love.

10/23/10

Seriously, 14 years of emotional abuse is more than anyone should have to endure. I can't keep living this way. There just aren't enough meds in the world to make this bearable. I swear the day the doctor tells me I only have 3 months to live will be the happiest day of my whole fuckin life! I'm glad I didn't have kids now. How could I inflict the pain of this world on another person? I had a brief moment of peace when we took the boat out in the sun around the harbor. I find it very hard to trust in God as long as I am where I am.

stress journal

More bills than money.

afraid

I am afraid that I do not have the patience that it requires to be the right person for him.

upset

Everything makes him angry. No wonder he's always so exhausted.

activity log 10/13/2010

9:57 checking calendar

channel anger

I know I've gone longer than 13 days, but it feels as though my hell may be over. It's not that he finally did something to fix it or that I finally learned to let go and forgive. It was God. He took the pain from me. He said yes to my prayer. Forgiveness was something only He could grant.

activity log 10/11/10

7:30 PM checking calendar on phone

8:00 Watched "How I Met Your Mother" with Handsome

8:30 Read Ancestral Sin

9:00 Handsome woke me up to go to bed. I fell asleep reading as usual

6:30 AM alarm went off. I don't want to get up. So tired. Finally up at 6:45. Got dressed. Ate breakfast- Honey nut Cheerios. Kissed Handsome and off I went.

7:00 drove to work listening to Mother Angelica

7:30 Here at work. Here we go...

what are you afraid of?

Having these weird pains in my neck that make me think I'm having a stroke.

activity log 10/7/2010

8:30 fast, Jesus Prayer, looking at calendar, sitting in the living room with the fireplace burning and Handsome flipping the channel

channel anger

I'm in this weird state of limbo that I am oddly enjoying. On Saturday, I begged and begged and begged and begged God to take away this pain. My argument that 6 years was long enough and how could I possibly be a good ambassador for Him if I was always bitter and angry. It's only been 4 days, and I've had these lulls before, but I have a feeling that this one just might stick. I want to do God's will. I want to be good at the things that I need to do. I can't do that the way that I've been feeling for so long. God answers prayers. Now my prayer is that I don't miss the pain enough to make it come back. I grew accustomed to feeling sad. But I like not hurting much more.

activity log 10/4/2010

7:45 PM checking calendar. fasting and praying Jesus Prayer.

9:30 PM went to bed with Handsome. So tired

6:00 AM 10/5 alarm went off at 6:00. Pushed snooze til 6:30. got up and dressed, grabbed my food and drove to work.

7:30 @ work. checking calendar again.

activity log 10/3/2010

7:38 Checking calendar. Praying Jesus Prayer. Sitting with Handsome while he flips channels. Been a difficult day. I have been fine, but Handsome has been very unhappy.