Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thankful
In the past, I have really despised the rain, but I find myself very thankful for it this year. It just fits the way that I feel. I know how much we need the rain and am grateful that the reservoirs are being filled and that everything will be green in the spring. I remember as a child when I loved the rain. It was warm and I loved to go out and take a walk and feel the water running down my face. It was always warm when it rained in Texas. It's not so warm here, but we have the doors open while handsome works on the house and I'm not miserable. I love the feeling of the water pouring on my head!
2/27/2010
Woke up early for a Saturday. Answering machine came on with a call from AES. So I decided to get up and go pay them.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
2/21/10
Today, I start my experiment, logging everything. Starting by establishing a baseline over the next month. I am tired of feeling like this. Whether it be OCD, PMDD, or just plain depression, I want it to go away.
9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.
10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.
That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.
11:20
Write to Precious
11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer
Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log
9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.
10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.
That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.
11:20
Write to Precious
11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer
Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
AHHHH!
Well, my stupid ass husband still has an adultfriendfinder account, which he has recently visited and even paid for. This means that he has a secret e-mail address, too. I don't want to play this game anymore!!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In the news...
I read an article today on Obama's reprimanding of the Republicans for holding things up. He accuses them of being petty and political. But he is ignoring the fact that is is their job to represent the people that elected them. He wants certain measures passed and if they are not then it is about politics and not beliefs. He needs to realize that if it comes to no action or bad action, we would prefer no action. Just because you got something done, doesn't mean that it was good.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thankful
There is really so very much to be thankful for. I am learning that. To admit a fault, I am actually thankful for my husband, extremely. What brought me to that conclusion? I actually considered the possibility of leaving and trying to date other men. I gave it real and serious thought. I have realized that I am petrified of men. I have not made the greatest of choices and the odds of me finding another monster are pretty good. In my life, I've found men who have used and abused me, raped me, stalked me, and now shattered my heart. As I think about and look at the possibility of what I could find out there, I am actually drawn closer to my husband. He really is a good man who just made a mistake. A rather gigantic mistake, but just a mistake. He is not a bad man and I have never thought of him as so. So I am thankful for him and the love that he has for me.
And I am thankful for my ability to express my emotions. I work all day with children who don't know how to say what they feel and have no other option but tantrums.
And I am thankful for my ability to express my emotions. I work all day with children who don't know how to say what they feel and have no other option but tantrums.
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