thankful for...

Found myself quoting "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me" this morning. As horrendous as this experience has been, it has brought me closer to God and I suppose that for that I am thankful.

Still don't know what upset Handsome on Tuesday.

12/30/2010

I've done little to nothing today. Shaved my legs. That's about it. Last day I get to relax.

accept your fears

I am afraid that he will never love me for who I am. He is always going to be angry with me for very petty things. I accept that and will live my life to the best of my ability. I cannot spend my life trying to please him. I've tried that and it only made us both miserable. He can be miserable alone.

I am afraid we will never be happy.

Stress journal

Driving on old tires.

negative thoughts

I am having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It is hard to celebrate the birth of Christ alone. No one around me wants to have anything to do with Jesus and I feel alone.

anger

why are there so many horror movies?

anyway, not really angry, just jealous. I still think it sucks that he spent hours and hours texting and e-mailing sluts and I get nothing. Oh well, can't get everything I want. I'll get everything God wants.

afraid

I am still afraid that he will never find me desirable again. He gave all his passion, and mine, too, to strangers and sluts and has nothing left for me. I know he loves me, but will he ever want me again?

12/19/2010

Today is just another day. Missed church 'cause I wasn't feeling well and overslept. It's raining, but it's kinda nice. Sitting by the fireplace watching movie previews, baking a pizza, trying to chase this cold away before it gets worse. On vacation for a couple of weeks with no money, but happy. Not much to share.

Handsome is tiling the new counter in the laundry. It looks really good. Corny metaphor but he's rebuilding both our physical and our metaphorical homes.

angry

So we have a new set of neighbors next door with an infant. Not the first neighbor with a baby and not the first neighbor to have to deal with our remodeling project. But they seem to think that the world revolves around their baby's nap time. Several, several times, my Handsome has stopped working in the middle of project for their precious child's sacred nap time. This is an unusual trait for him, but I was proud of him for doing it.

Then as the floor project was coming up, I told him he needed to discuss the fact that we were not going to be able to stop during the nap time in order to complete the project. We only asked for one weekend to get this done. They told him it wouldn't be a problem.

Then construction time comes and she comes out and has a flipping fit. Like a little girls temper tantrum. We had given them a month's notice and they had acknowledged that it was fine. Handsome handled it really well.

Okay, so that's just a little annoying. I gave them the benefit of the doubt with the stress of finals and bar exams and defended them.

Then we receive a notice in the mail from the association. There's one thing being a bad neighbor, but it's an entirely different taking steps that you believe will cause financial harm to another person. It's a good thing they are both going to be lawyers because they have the ethics that go with it. They are ruthless and cruel.

This may be their home for now, but this is my home, too. The only one I will ever have, unless some miracle is to occur. I am trying to be Christian about this, but I have to admit that I am very upset. I find myself wishing bad things on them, like not being able to find a job.

But that's not right. I pray that God's will come in their lives, and I hope that he chooses to bless them for the baby's sake.

afraid

What am I still afraid of? I am afraid that I will stop taking my medication and still be crazy. I afraid of the flood of despair returning.

afraid

I am afraid that I will forget my new found appreciation of life and start taking things for granted again.

12/12/2010

Just hangin around in the house while Handsome puts some finishing touches on the bathroom counter. He's done a really good job. Sometime I will be able to put some pictures online. Watching "GoldenEye". Feeling good. Enjoying the day. Not really upset about anything today.

afraid

Still afraid of living a lie.

write down what upsets you

Nothing. Today I am upset about nothing. Spent the morning laughing with good friends and I am happy. Nice to report!

write down what upsets you

Telling someone what you plan to do far in advance so that they can plan around it and then having them intentionally get in the middle of what you are trying to get done.

write down what upsets you

There was once a time in my life where it was obvious that I believed in Love, in Truth, in God. Over time, I have taken on the anger and depression of those around me, absorbed it into my being until it became a part of me. I don't know why I allowed that to happen, but I did. It has permeated my entire being. I am trying to purge it, but is such a slow process.

write down what upsets you

I don't have much to say at this moment that I am upset about. Church was amazing this morning. It's interesting that just when I decided to try to start a relationship with our assistant priest, I learn that he is leaving. I am happy for him. I hope he enjoys having his own parish and that he is a blessing to God's church. I am interested to get to know the new assistant priest.

I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.

Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.

The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.

I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.

my dream last night

She stood in her bedroom contemplating which book she would read for the afternoon. It was a beautiful day and it would be lovely to sit in the sun and travel to another world. Then she felt his arms wrap around her, pulling her close to him. His left arm traveled across and down her silken abdomen. His right slid up inside her blouse, meandering up her chest, cupping her breast in his hand. His strong jaw leaned her head to the right and he began to nibble on her neck. Shivers of desire radiated up through her body as she felt the climbing passions rising through her. She began to feel weak. In an instant, he spun her around, clasping her hands behind her back in one hand and planted a kiss hard and deep on her mouth. He hadn't come to her with such desire in so long, she felt as though the excitement within her would explode. To be in his arms and him to want her so deeply, she thought she would lose herself completely.

She opened her eyes so that she could swim in the deep blue sea that she loved to be in. In that moment she realized this was not her husband. Swiftly she pulled her arms around, placed her forearms on his chest and pushed him away. Almost as stealthily as he had arrived, he disappeared again. She stood there in the middle of the room shocked and bewildered. It seemed as though hours went by as she just stood there like a statue trying to comprehend what had just happened.

It hadn't been her husband. It had been his best friend, someone they were allowing to stay in one of the spare bedrooms while he was down on his luck. She went to find her husband to tell him in on uncertain terms that his friend had overstayed his welcome. She stopped in her tracks. Would he believe her? He knew enough of his friend not to doubt that the part of the story she told about him would be true. But would he believe that she had nothing to do with it?

There were many things she did not know about the man she married, but this she did know- he was a jealous man and not quick to believe in her innocence. "Did you flirt with him?" he would ask. "You led him on!" he would accuse. "You did this for revenge!!" She could hear the words already exiting his mouth in disbelief and accusation. No, she would not tell him. She hated that. Honesty was so important to her, but she knew he would not accept her story.

The next weeks were strange, to say the least. Dinners were tense as the three of them sat together and she had very little to say. She avoided eye contact with their guest as much as possible. When she did slip, it seemed he was waiting for her gaze and would send her a mischievious smile. She prayed that the man whose ring she wore didn't see what was going on.

But this wasn't the worst of it. She was haunted by the feelings that he had ignited. She would find herself standing at the sink, where she was supposed to be washing dished, staring out the window entranced by the memory of his touch. If they passed, he would intentionally brush up against her, just to watch the chills it would bring to her skin. He knew he had made an impression and was enjoying the affect he had made.

She decided she would begin to try to woo her husband back to her, see if she could ignite some small flame in him for her. She had no intentions of letting this other man take from her the love that she could have with the one who still was the cause of every heart beat. She would start small, so that he would not notice a big change and wonder what had happened. She wanted to feel loved again.

thought record

On Thursday, I decided to tell Handsome that I have forgiven him. I am leaving any necessity for consequence in the hands of God. I'm too exhausted to be his mother and responsible for whether or not he gets a spanking. Life here on this world is too short to spend my time angry and hurt all the time. I suppose my emotions will continue to fluctuate, but I will continue to give it over to God. He is the most merciful and the most wrathful. He knows all the truth, which I can never, ever know. It is very hard for me to relinquish control, to not know everything, but I am defeated in this war. It is one that I can never win. The only truth that I can ever know is the truth that is Christ. So why spend any more of my life beating us both up? I still am not sure that I consider us husband and wife. It seems as though that bond has been disintegrated, but I continue to pray every day for God's will in my life, that I grow in Christ each and every moment of my life.

activity log 10/30/10

9:55 Had a very good and happy day. Checking my calendar.

10/24/10

Didn't sleep much last night. Handsome woke me up about 1:00 am wanting to play which I never mind. Yet I ended up feeling like a blow up doll again. No kissing. No caressing. No attempt to actually turn me on. It made me feel undesirable. Pretty much everything I want to say I've already said here somewhere. I spent hours researching how to make him want me again. Then finally was able to fall asleep. Woke up late for church. Didn't feel well. Handsome brought me home a hot chocolate from Precious. We talked about church for a little bit. I took a quick shower and headed off for church. I was so happy there. I could live in a sanctuary. Left for the boat where the sun was finally out. We pulled out the dead dinghy then went for a paddle. Insecurities resurfacing. Do I just like feeling miserable?

replace negative with positive

My handsome does desire me. I am a sexy and beautiful woman that can ignite passion and desire in the man I love.

10/23/10

Seriously, 14 years of emotional abuse is more than anyone should have to endure. I can't keep living this way. There just aren't enough meds in the world to make this bearable. I swear the day the doctor tells me I only have 3 months to live will be the happiest day of my whole fuckin life! I'm glad I didn't have kids now. How could I inflict the pain of this world on another person? I had a brief moment of peace when we took the boat out in the sun around the harbor. I find it very hard to trust in God as long as I am where I am.

stress journal

More bills than money.

afraid

I am afraid that I do not have the patience that it requires to be the right person for him.

upset

Everything makes him angry. No wonder he's always so exhausted.

activity log 10/13/2010

9:57 checking calendar

channel anger

I know I've gone longer than 13 days, but it feels as though my hell may be over. It's not that he finally did something to fix it or that I finally learned to let go and forgive. It was God. He took the pain from me. He said yes to my prayer. Forgiveness was something only He could grant.

activity log 10/11/10

7:30 PM checking calendar on phone

8:00 Watched "How I Met Your Mother" with Handsome

8:30 Read Ancestral Sin

9:00 Handsome woke me up to go to bed. I fell asleep reading as usual

6:30 AM alarm went off. I don't want to get up. So tired. Finally up at 6:45. Got dressed. Ate breakfast- Honey nut Cheerios. Kissed Handsome and off I went.

7:00 drove to work listening to Mother Angelica

7:30 Here at work. Here we go...

what are you afraid of?

Having these weird pains in my neck that make me think I'm having a stroke.

activity log 10/7/2010

8:30 fast, Jesus Prayer, looking at calendar, sitting in the living room with the fireplace burning and Handsome flipping the channel

channel anger

I'm in this weird state of limbo that I am oddly enjoying. On Saturday, I begged and begged and begged and begged God to take away this pain. My argument that 6 years was long enough and how could I possibly be a good ambassador for Him if I was always bitter and angry. It's only been 4 days, and I've had these lulls before, but I have a feeling that this one just might stick. I want to do God's will. I want to be good at the things that I need to do. I can't do that the way that I've been feeling for so long. God answers prayers. Now my prayer is that I don't miss the pain enough to make it come back. I grew accustomed to feeling sad. But I like not hurting much more.

activity log 10/4/2010

7:45 PM checking calendar. fasting and praying Jesus Prayer.

9:30 PM went to bed with Handsome. So tired

6:00 AM 10/5 alarm went off at 6:00. Pushed snooze til 6:30. got up and dressed, grabbed my food and drove to work.

7:30 @ work. checking calendar again.

activity log 10/3/2010

7:38 Checking calendar. Praying Jesus Prayer. Sitting with Handsome while he flips channels. Been a difficult day. I have been fine, but Handsome has been very unhappy.

channel anger

How does he do it? Live with the secrets? It still is eating me alive and I'm not the liar. How does he live as if nothing happened? How does he just forget?

channel anger

This has not been a good week for me where it is about him. 2 days down, 1 day ok, 2 more down. Same old questions. Not quite the same depression.

anger

I am totally cranky today. It's PMS, but everything is pissing me off.

9/19/2010

Will I ever completely be able to relax and totally trust in his love and honesty again?

activity log 9/19/10

2:45 Hanging on the boat. Windy again so I am confined to the cabin again. Gonna check the calendar.

9/19/2010

It's been 17 days this time and still going. Orthros was a challenge but fun. Liturgy was long today with the blessing of a 40 year marriage and Sunday school. Gathered a few things to go to the boat. Please God can it not be cold?

activity log 9/9/10

9:15 pm start activity log

channel anger into writing

Well. Its been six days this time and Im still going. Its not that I dont still have unpleasant thoughts on my so called good days. The thoughts just dont linger or reoccur as often. Today I counted 30 minutes between and both went away quickly. I am not sure if it is the Celexa or God that is working but I dont feel insane.

9/5/10

Wow. Today has been a great day. After 4 really bad brain days, I'm on a 3 day good roll. Got up and got ready for church. Out of the house a little after 8:00. I ended up getting to church really early. The narthex wasn't even set up yet. Lit a couple candles for Precious and Handsome. Decided to read my book while I waited for orthros. Shortly after it started, Fr. approached me to tell me I should join the cantors. Even more, I should sing with the choir. I read with Dean and John. I was totally nervous but I LOVED it. It was a little hard to pray when I was trying so hard not to screw up, but I managed to here and there. After orthros, I went upstairs and they had already started. I stood in the door until I could talk with Robert. Soon, one of the ladies motioned for me to come in. Nannette shared her book with me but I still knew most of the songs. It took Robert a minute to remember me, but he did. It felt good. It felt right. I didn't have any bad thoughts the whole morning. Not one. After church I called Handsome to see what he was doing. He was close to home so I headed home. We went to the storage unit and dropped off the diving stuff, picked up some of my school stuff and now we are just at home.

channel anger into writing

The last few days have been really hard for me since Handsome went back to work. Everything is coming back up again. I'm getting more angry at myself for not being able to trust God to take care of all of this. I am so tired of these bad feelings.

good things

Handsomd had the credit to pay for Precious' wisdom teeth to be removed.

good things

Today is mom's 60th birthday. She is the best mom in the world!

aware of anger

12 Days. After being so utterly obsessed with sex and strangers, why does he never want to have sex with me? What is wrong with me?

channel anger

Not too upset today.

stress journal

Interview today. Nervous. Not sure what's for the best.

8/19/10

Today has been a totally nothing day... Stayed in bed til 8:30, stayed in my jammies til 10:30. Short trip to the grocery store. Lunch. Tried the meatballs we want to make for the dinghy party. Yum. Now we've got the top down on our way to the boat. 2:30 At the boat. 2:45 Dinghy putt 4:00 Back at the boat. 4:13 Clean kitchen sink. 4:30 Took a shower. 4:45 Layed down and Handsome joined. 6:15! Woke up groggy and hungry. Going home.

upset

3rd day in a row with no major episodes. Thank you, God.

upset

Not upset today. So far a good mental day.

activity log 8/19/10

1:05 Just left my class where Handsome and I worked for a couple hours. Went to Arby's for lunch. Ham and cheese sandwich and a strawberry banana shake. 1:30 Off to the boat with a short stop at Total Wine for some Tattoo. And Home Depot and Party City for stuff for the weekend roundup. 3:00 Went for a paddle. It was really windy. About an hour with Handsome. 5:30 Dinghy putt with Handsome. Saw R and C. Then I drove back with my foot while the handsome one stood over me. Fun! 6:30 Leftover pasta salad for dinner. 6:50 Relaxing to music in my handsome's arms. 7:30 Sun went down. Got cold. Time to pack up and go home.

upset

3 Days this time. "My vindication is the Lord." Psalms

upset

3 Days this time. "My vindication is the Lord." Psalms

upset

I wish I knew what causes this stupid IBS. I can never predict when it's going to flare up.

upset

I've spent a lot of time the last 24 hours in prayer. I have truly found that the only source of peace is God. Without Him, I am a ginormous mess. A few verses in particular stuck out to me- like something about the Lord is my vindication. A suppose this means that I am supposed to trust God to take care of any punishment my husband and his lovers deserve. It is hard for me to trust Him, though. I keep thinking that He allowed the mess to happen in the first place, second place, third place, over and over again. In truth I allowed it to occur repeatedly. But if He didn't stop it in the past, what do I really have to lean on that He will stop it in the future. I am having a really time trusting God. Maybe that's one of the things that most upsets me about this whole affair. I always trusted in God and now my "Christian" husband has managed to shake my faith, something no atheist could do before. I guess Satan knows my weakness... I can't forgive and I am nowhere near as trusting as I used to think I was.

channel

WHY?

8/11/10

Another gorgeous day in the harbor hanging on the boat. Woke up a little late and handsome was downstairs. I didn't want to get up. He came up and took a shower. When he got out I couldn't keep my hands off his naked body.

upset

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS! GOD HELP ME PLEASE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!

activity log 8/9/2010

2:08 PM Sailing into the harbor. Calm, slight wind, a few tiny sailboats in the channel, sunny, handsome at the helm.

2:38 PM Off to the grocery store for coke and ice. Called mom to let her know I'm home safe.

3:13 PM Hanging out. Gonna play some cards.

3:43 PM Snack time - handful of gum drops.

4:00 PM Packing up to go home. Del Taco on the way. Having a moment. I'll let God have it. Just gonna eat a quesadilla.

5:30 PM Nap time with Handsome!

8:15 PM Woke up. Check calendar.- Lay out exercise clothes.

8:25 PM Cuddled with Handsome for a few minutes. Go to grocery store to buy reusable water bottle, milk. Filled new water bottle- PBA free!

9:10 PM lay out clothes for tomorrow.

9:14 PM Shine kitchen sink.

9:20 PM Emptied some e-mails

9:35 PM Clean calendar a little.

10:35 PM Go to bed.

8/9/10

Wow! What a beautiful day! The sun is out, the seas are calm, there is virtually no wind. It is the polar opposite of our last trip back from the island. Dropped mooring @ 6:00 am. Saw a few dolphin. Climbed back in bed for two hours when handsome woke me to see more dolphin. The whole trip has been smoothe. My mind is back in a good place. The reading for today was about the man with the huge debt that wouldn't forgive a little debt. I realized I am the man with the huge debt who is throwing my handsome into debtors prison for his little debt. Handsome took a little nap. Then a shower. I wasn't going to but decided to anyway. When I got out I decided to seduce my handsome. On the cockpit in the sun I made him a happy man. Sometimes I can still feel that pure love I had before. I made lunch for him and we've just enjoyed the beautiful ride home. Just a few minutes to go...

upset

Well I made it 6 days with only a few blips here and there that shook off pretty easily. Then somehow I started running into triggers... songs, caravaning, him making no approach to make love to me in 2 weeks. I'm hoping I'm just tired. How does a man utterly obsessed with sex not hardly ever want me? Am I that unappealing? Did he waste the last of our available sex life on sluts?

stress journal

This morning was crazy. Had to switch moorings and get going to take the little boat back.

8/6/10

Beautiful sunny afternoon. Day 4 at the isthmus. Our friends all left this morning. This has been a fabulous vacation. The water has been too cold to play in, but I have been happy on this trip. Very few negative thoughts and the ones that do come shake off easily. I have been enjoying my time with handsome. I can feel the love returning. We all went through the cave yesterday. That was fun. Hanging out on the beach and relaxing with friends. This morning I woke to the yummy smell of biscuits baking. Bacon, eggs and biscuits. Read a book. Went for a paddle and saw some garibaldi. Now we're just hanging on the boat relaxing.

channel

4 Days happy!

stress journal

Went to use the computer this morning and no internet. So I started setting up the new DSLExtreme modem. Got to step 1b and realized we have to buy a router. Then I called AT&T and the service had already been cancelled. I have spent 2:20 minutes on the phone trying to get this thing working. Finally working, but we have to sit plugged in, a minor inconvenience I suppose. But I can feel the stress and it surfaces memories and thoughts that I don't want to deal with about him. Why couldn't he just have loved me? Whatever. I suppose my broken heart has made me closer to God than perhaps I have ever been. I guess in that sense, I should almost be grateful for him almost literally driving me insane.

upset

Dealing with a nasty case of food poisoning. I haven't thrown up like that in years. Now Handsome has the day off and I can't even spend it with him. I'm thinking that God knows his heart and his mind and I am just going to trust in God to reveal to me the truth as he sees it and deal with any punishment that my husband receives on His terms. I have enough problems in this world dealing with myself to be concerned with my husband's faults. I am committed to letting God lead my life from now on... whatever the path.

7/16/10 cont 3

ing my waiting roommate. Finally a dinghy putt. Visited a few friends. Came back and geared up for a paddle. It was windy. WOW what a workout! Caught myself having an imaginary conversation with an imaginary Handsome. "So yesterday you said you wanted me to be happy, right? You can help with that. STOP CHEATING! No more porn or sexting or romantic chats with non-me people. No sex life in real life or virtual and I PROMISE I'll be happy. That doesn't mean hide it even better. Just don't do it." I managed to push that aside and enjoy the workout. I haven't had any side effects from the meds today. No dizziness or fast heart beat. We went and finally got a new spark plug and got the generator to work. Making dinner now. Chicken alfredo. Yum. Hard to believe alfredo used to make me gag.

7/16/10 cont 2

sun felt so good. Handsome arrived. I happened to go downstairs when he was changing into his bathing suit. Suddenly I was touching him. I just had to touch him. I forgot about everything and just ran my hands all over his naked body. Kissing him all over. He responded and before you know it we were having sex. Okay now back to work and nap time. Our best friends' granddaughter called asking to borrow the paddleboards. Of course. Handsome had to go find a spark plug for the new generator and I asked him to pick up lunch. The girls got here about 1:00. When H got back, we shared a sub and tried to take the dinghy out. But just as we rounded the corner, the girls were headed back. Had to let them out. Tried to take the dinghy out again, but same place around the corner we saw the neighbor coming in. "Did I leave the paddle on their dock?" I asked. Whipped the dinghy around and managed to just get the paddle out of the way. HOT. The pavement was hot. I ran down the dock and literally jumped in the boat, surpris

7/16/10 cont

asked me to join him for a breakfast burrito. It was nice being where we used to go when I was still the only lover he needed, at least as far as I know. We played Uno and chatted. It almost felt normal. I decided this might be a good time to tell him about the celexa. I hadn't started it yet. I should be honest and up front if that's what I expect from him. He was better about it than I thought he'd be. Asked about the side effects but that was all. I explained that although being sad was normal, perseverating the way I do was not. I had plans to meet Christine at the boat and wanted to get to the harbor before I took my medicine. It says not to drive with it til you know how it will affect you. So we went home so I could get going. He'd come down later. Just about the time I got here I got a text from Christine that she couldn't make it. Not a problem. I finished getting the boards ready to go and prepared to go out alone. Went out for a little bit then came back and took a nap on the cockpit. Oh the sun

7/16/10

6 am wake up call. Handsome wanted me to go to the dr. with him. He hurt his wrist at work and thought he'd end up with the day off since he can't restrain anyone. I napped in the truck while I waited. About 30 minutes in, I got a text asking for some juice. I went to Stater Brothers. Gave me something to do. Kept thinking about what made him change his mind. Yesterday he was ready to divorce me asap. Anyway, bought 2 little bottles of OJ. Walked into the clinic carrying the juice, "My husband is in one of your exam rooms about to have an insulin reaction." She found him and he was definitely going down. He drank the juice. I asked if he wanted me to stay but he said no. But he asked for a kiss and a hug. First hug I've given him in weeks. How does he do that? Just forget that I was nearly on my way to Texas just yesterday? He was done a few minutes later, out with a wrist brace, therapy appointments, and a good chance of not working for two weeks. Had to go find a fax machine to send in the docs orders. He

upset

Well I suppose I am finally coming to terms with the reality of my life. I just am not married. Only God and Handsome know how long and if I ever really was. It's time I accept the truth.

anger

How am I supposed to ever trust him? He's lied about so many things, kept so many secrets. He can't be real with me. I don't even know who he really is.

thankful

Blankets

thankful

Pictures. And the best massage I ever had.

upset

He thinks he can cute this all away.

activity log 7/9/10

12:30 driving around with Handsome trying to print pictures.

thankful

Gas for going far fast. Radio.

channel anger into writing

I've been working today on not being angry. Asking God for his will and grace to not be mad. I just don't know if it's too late. Has there been too much to overcome? Nothing is impossible with God, but I really have a hard time believing that God's will can overcome mine or my husbands. We've made such a mess of our life, of our love.

I'm afraid of forgetting the love that I have felt for him. I forgotten the other loves that I've had. This one was so intense, I don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of being in love with my Handsome. All I keep doing is pray that God's will be done and that I have the peace to accept it.

thankful

The love of God.

activity log 7/6/2010

7:30 pm watching Deadliest Catch with Handsome wondering if we're ever going to talk about the mess our marriage is in while every inch of my body aches from PMS.

thankful

Motrin to get rid of PMS migraines!

good things

One of the good things about me is that I have faith in God (even when I don't). I just don't have patience.

be aware of your anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week after all the events and activities. I've come to the conclusion that there is a very good possibility that I have never, ever actually been married. How do I know when this all began? I talked about how I don't feel as though I am married now, that the commitment that exists between us is null. When given the opportunity to think about when the lack of commitment started, I keep going backwards. Unfortunately, since he's not spilling the beans, he is forced to compete with the story that my brain has concocted. Was it January 2005? Or maybe when he was on disability the year before? Perhaps that bottle of vodka that he delivered down the street to the girl he carpooled with that I had no idea he was carpooling with, maybe already then? Or maybe when he was on administrative leave? How did he fill his spare time then? Was it as far back as 2000 when Precious said she say dad on porn sites while I was at Grandma's funeral?

Who knows and does it even matter anymore? If this marriage is dead and over, he doesn't owe me any explanations or apologies or anything else.

So, I've developed a plan for what I will accept for reconciliation and I'll talk with one of my counselors with it. I don't want this marriage to be over. I do truly love him so very much, but if it's already dead, I can't resurrect it on my own.

activity log 7/5/10

12:30 Just finished breakfast at RJ's.

activity log 7/3/10

2:40 Crawled into the aft cabin. I'm so tired. 3:14 Couldn't sleep. Got up to pee and get a glass of water. Found Handsome in his underwear in thd galley. I'm drinking my water and eating pretzels. He decided to crawl into bed. 3:25 Going for a walk. Handsome went with me. 4:29 Read my book.

7/3/10

Early morning waking up on the couch. I didn't need to be up til 6:30 but was awake when the alarm went off. Got my stuff together and woke the man I live with to let him know I was leaving. He was barely awake and totally confused. I wanted to just crawl up close to him and kiss him and hold him. But I can't do it. He's not my husband anymore. A marriage is two people commit to being sexually exclusive with each other and he just can't or won't do that. Even if it is only virtual cheating now, he knows how I feel and obviously doesn't care. Drove to the harbor to meet Tracy. We had breakfast, walked and talked. It was nice. When I got to the harbor he was here getting things ready for the fourth. That took a while. He washed the cockpit and the bbq, put up the easy up and a few other things. He even hung a hammock for me from which I now sit writing this. Took a little break for lunch at Subway with C and M. By the way, my throat hurts and I think I've caught Precious' cold.

upset

Haven't touched him or slept in the same bed with him since Wednesday. He hasn't even tried to talk about it. I can't seem to bring it up myself.

upset

Nothing new to be upset about. Still the same old shit.

thankful

Fresh air at the harbor.

anger into writing

Well, after missing last nights appointment I had a bug to check his phone and sure enough he's got a secret email address. I am now officially done!

thankful

My Precious

thankful

I am thankful that I have a boat to take refuge in while my marriage falls apart.

PISSED OFF!

Well, its after 6 and he's not home nor did he reschedule our appointment. He's known about this for a month. There is no excuse for this.

upset

Write down what upsets you...

Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.

activity log 6/28/2010

9:10 starting log, checking schedule

9:15 take a bath

thankful

Unemployment checks.

6/27/10

Woke up a few times, but finally got up a little after 8. I got dressed for church and rebooted the laundry. Handsome was making biscuits and gravy. Perfect. Skipped it and off I went. Today I was taking communion for the 1st time in years. I kept praying it wouldn't kill me. I decided to go to the mission church. On the drive down, I listened to Catholic mass. "I guess this can sub for missing Orthros today," I thought. It was a nice service and God didn't strike me down for approaching him unworthy. I want so much to be healed. Then I went to the boat and I'm reading The Art of Prayer from Igumen Chariton of Valamo after reading a little booklet about prayer. I'm still on the intro. We stopped and went to Chronic. He's been hanging pictures and working on little projects. I have a bit of a sense of peace. I need to remember that I need God.

thoughts

Perhaps I've been looking @ this all from the wrong angle. We keep looking at how he can make me happy, trust him, turn me on, generally all about me. But I've never tried to leave this relationship. I've never threatened divorce or had an affair. I am much easier to satisfy than he thinks. I have loved him despite his flaws. No more than that, I have loved his flaws. The question is not can he make me love and trust him again, but has he ever really loved and trusted me? And can he ever? He deserves to be with someone who sets his soul on fire, who consumes him so much that there is no room for another. If I don't ignite passion in him, no flames just as who I am, then I am the wrong girl for him. He is wasting time with me, settling. I know that his unhappiness comes from inside him and I am not to blame for it, but happiness and love should not be so much work. If it's right, it should be a natural occurence. Not easy, but natural.

upset

I remember a night when he didn't answer his texts or cell phone. He accuses me of ignoring his calls because that's exactly what he does, ignore my calls. He was late, really late from work. I called his work and he had left on time. I called, texted, no answer. I even went out driving to look for him in case he had pulled over with an insulin reaction or something. He eventually called me while I was driving around the city looking for him, about to call the hospitals.

4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.

6/25/10

Woke up @ 7:30 this morning to take the Jeep in for an oil change. Handsome was in the shower. When he got out, I went up to remind him where I was going since he never remembers what I tell him. He was shaving. I told him to lay out what he wanted for the boat this weekend so he could come down right after work. He informed me he's not coming to the boat. You see, I went to a friend's house last night for the hot tub, some vodka, and some girl talk. I texted him where I was going but he still called. . . 16 times and my friend! I didn't answer. We were busy. So now he's pissed and he's going to punish himself by not going to the raft up. He's not texting or calling me, but that could just be a normal day. He only communicates with sluts and perverts with any frequency and I'm not either. Jeep needs rear brakes. Got the internet to work in the harbor but not on the boat. Gotta walk over the bridge.

good things in life and me

I am strong.

thankful

Precious found a job. Shes making coffee.

channel anger into writing

Chore @ 8 am this morning was to be in the now. Ive done pretty good with shaking off the few thoughts ive had today. Right now im hanging on a sunsoaked cockpit listening to 80s music all by myself with a fridge full of healthy food. Whats to be angry about?

6/23/2010

Haven't done much today. Handsome and I had a tiny little conversation about how he convince me to fall in love with him again. Why can't I resist his cute face?

Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.

Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.

Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.


Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.

In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42

upset

write about what makes me upset. For today is just about today, so nothing has upset me today. Nothing to write.

thankful

thankful for summer!

channel anger into writing

I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.

activity log 6/22/2010

2:20 pm checking calendar

Talked with Tracy.

Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.

6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!

6:26 multivitamin

Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.

6/22/2010

Woke up around 8:00 am. lazy day today. Haven't done very much at all. Spent lots of time looking for a job in casting. I am really hungry for my handsome and yet I don't want him either. He doesn't need me. Of course not. All that time that he was screwing around and we weren't having sex, I was the only one not having sex. He hasn't been denied anything of his desires.

If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.

I've just been rejected too much to get over.

Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......

6/21/10

Beautiful day! Summer is here. Woke up with Handsome still not feeling well so no run. Fine by me. Stayed in bed til after 9. Couldn't get in the bathroom til Precious left for work. A shower and some makeup and off to turn in apps. Went to look for internet connection then Lakeshore for a few things. Now I'm hanging on the boat trying to decide my future. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him deeply? 4 more years until I can trust him again, except that I don't believe it was only one affair. What kind of life is that for him? He's already shown that he is able to forget me and be happy with someone else. Shouldn't I give him the opportunity to be happy?

activity log 6/20/10

12:40 start log. Hanging on the boat waiting for Precious. Feeling nothing. He deserves to have someone who loves him the way I used to. This wanting to be gone feeling isn't fair to him. Check calendar.

thankful

TEQUILA!

aware of anger

He flinched when I kissed his cheek. I know he said he didn't feel well, but flinching?

activity log 6/17/2010

7:25 pm start log, flipping channels, totally relaxed and content. Handsome is working late again. Check calendar.

looked for ballet tickets

7:30 laid out clothes for tomorrow, made lunch for tomorrow at the boat with the girls. Pasta salad. I am enjoying my time by myself way too much. It really makes me question if I'm still in love. I remember when my every thought and topic of conversation was consumed with him. Ever since I've learned that he can forget me, I seem to be able to forget him, too. I don't want to date. I have never intentionally dated. I don't want to. I just want to feel butterflies again.

8:57 check calendar. Be aware of anger

9:00 Burn Notice is on. Check account balances.

9:08 check calendar

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

thankful

Food in my stomach. Sun on the cockpit.

6/16/10 cont

stupid brain. Why does a perfectly nice day have to be destroyed with thoughts and questions that will never get answered. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't give a damn about anything. There is no life left. Only existence. Precious' notion that we cease to exist after death sounds so nice. The walk there and back took 45 minutes. I had a little bit of fun putting on the hose clamps with Handsome. He decided we should go for a sail. Wow was it stressful. But we didn't give up. Out for about 2 hours. Stuff we forgot to stow was all over. Sittin in the sun after a veggie delight. Finally relaxation.

6/16/10

2:00 PM taking the sailboat out for the 1st time since the island. It is nice & sunny, flat with just a little breeze. Red tide is in. It looks awful through polarized sunglasses. The morning started out nice. I woke up before 6am but rolled back over. Alarm went off @ 6 to start our new workout program. I was happily relieved when he told me we could walk later since he took the day off. Back to sleep cuddled up close. After a little playtime ; ). We woke up again around 8:30. Had to get breakfast but first a couple more rolls of the dice in our game. We had yummy strawberry blintzes. Vacation is not going to be good for losing weight. On the way to the harbor I had him take me to Ross to buy the hairspray I was supposed to buy a year ago. Did a little extra shopping then his sugar dropped... Dairy Queen at 10:30 in the morning. Short stop at West Marine for hose clamps for the packing box. When we got to the boat they were too big. Decided we'd walk back to West Marine. It was a nice walk except for my

thankful

10 weeks not having to report to work!

activity log 6/14/2010

7:18 pm sitting on the couch flipping channels, despairing a little. Handsome at the boat drying out the packing box. I'm happy by myself. Checking calendar.

8:45 forgot to log. I vacuumed the couch, shined the kitchen sink, put away the laundry, Handsome came home and I went to take a bath. I was glad that he came home. He touched me and it felt good. He drew me a picture of the hose clamps that need to be replaced. Sitting in his T-shirt about to check the calendar again... not wishing he would go away and leave me alone. I may never be blissful again, our marriage may never be magical, but I have moments of contentment.

8:54 Be aware of your anger. I am very in tune with the anger that I still hold inside. The only thing that seems to truly relieve this feeling is spending time with God. The funny thing is that He makes me feel better even though I hate Him for letting all this mess happen. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and yet he let my husband shred every dream I ever had into a million tiny unfixable pieces. Hence the juxtaposition of love and hate.

From "My Life in Christ” by St. John of Kronstadt (1829-1908)

(from pages 510-511)

The heavenly Father so greatly cares for me, for my life, my salvation, that He did not spare even His only-begotten Son, but sent Him into the world to suffer and die, and feeds me with His Body and Blood. Is it possible, then, that He should not care for me in less important things, and should deprive me and mine of sufficient means of subsistence? This has not happened until now, and shall not be. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God , and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” ¹ “The very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore.” ²

My life is the infinite Lord, Which Is, the Almighty; I am wholly absorbed in this life. “Who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” ³ I am ever before the face of God; I am ever in God, and He in me. Shall I put my trust in food, drink, or money, or in any man? Should I not then be blind? In truth, God is my hope. He is everything to me.

I¹St. Matthew 6:33. ²St. Matthew 10:30-31. ³Ephesians 4:6.

(From “My Life in Christ: Or Moments of Spiritual Serenity and Contemplation, or Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God: Extracts from the Diary of St. John of Kronstadt (Archpriest John Iliytch Sergieff)”. Translated, with the Author’s sanction, from the Fourth and Supplemented Edition by E.E. Goulaeff, St. Petersburg . Originally printed by Cassell and Company, Limited. London , Paris & Melbourne . 1897. Reprinted with the blessings of His Grace Laurus, Archbishop of Syracuse and Holy Trinity Monastery: Holy Trinity Monastery, Printshop of St. John of Pochaev, Jordanville , New York , U.S.A. 1984)

9:00 check the schedule again

9:03 balance checking accounts

9:10 check schedule

9:20 organize messes

anger into writing

That first night that I found out, I begged him to tell me the truth. I didn't want to spend my life not knowing where my husband was the way his first wife did. "I deserve the truth. Don't hide from me the way you did to her." Well, he did what I wished... he hid from me even more than he did from her. For her, it was a year of a job she didn't know about, unless he lied to me. For me it was a minimum of at least 3 years of fucking other people. God did he make me look like a complete idiot. Even more for staying.

6/13/10 cont

I want to have my life in the church. I want to learn to chant. If my handsome is going to continue to be a barrier to my spiritual purpose then I wish God would make him move on at this point in my life when Im already numb. Ideally Id like us to be what we were in the beginning- two people who worshipped God together. But of course thats something I want and its already well established that I dont get what I want in this life. We were designed to serve God together. Im only happy when Im close to God even if Im angry with Him for letting this shit happen in my life. I found some cream cheese fruit dip and decided to make a nice snack. Got some berries and an orange to zest. It was yummy.

6/13/10

3:00 on a Sunday afternoon. Laying on the cockpit in the sun watching the clouds blow by. Its been a good day. Woke up content in my handsome's boxers. We got up to go get him some coffee about 8:30. I didn't eat anything cause I was still hopin I could make it to church. After breakfast, we headed for the harbor. We had a good conversation about God and evolution. Jim called from OK needing a pic from his boat. We went to get more coffee. I gave in and let him buy me a chocolate croissant but didnt eat it. Then he realized he hadnt taken his shot and how now the day was ruined. I told him wed take care of the Jim pic then Id run home for his insulin. After I left him at the boat I listened to the Catholic channel all the way home and back. It was interesting as they were talking about the theory that Shakespeares writings were a reflection of his persecuted status as a Catholic in protestant England. When I got to the harbor I went by the grocery store. My morning of prayer brought me to a moment of thought.

activity log 6/12/10

9:00 PM Hanging on the boat with Handsome and C.

thankful

Beautiful day.

activity log 6/10/2010

9:00 pm Burn Notice all by myself after a nice session with the doc.. by myself too. Handsome decided to work overtime tonight.

activity log 6/8/2010

9:00 pm Watching Deadliest Catch cuddled up with my handsome.
Ate a banana and drank some water.

activity log 6/7/2010

9:00 start log, check calendar, sitting on the couch with my feet on handsome, while he flips the clicker

9:11 balance checking accounts

9:20 Check calendar. Express anger non aggressively. Can't say what I wanta say so checking schedule again.

10:00 Time for bed!

activity log 6/6/2009

9:00 start log, watching TV. Nothing On!! Cuddle with my Handsome.

9:05 balance accounts, nasty e-mail to BofA. e-mailed 24 hour fitness to cancel.

9:40 glass of water, going to bed.

6:00 am Up and at em

6:15 off to a busy day at work!

be aware of things that make you angry.

He has no desire to know what I think about. He'll listen if I make him, but he doesn't actually want to know. Just like foreplay. He'll do it if I ask, but he doesn't think of it on his own and it's totally mechanical when he does. I really am very jealous of his affairs. For them he was adventurous, experimental, played games, wore costumes, opened up parts of himself that I will never, ever know. For me, I get no passion, no desire, no connection. I realize I probably don't make it easy on him, but he's the one that made me this way, he's going to have to be the one to undo it.

He used to be obsessed with his phone, waiting with baited breath every word from a stranger. He doesn't even read the ecards I send him.

We really have never been truly a happy couple. We may be content, we may enjoy each other's company, but I don't think we will ever find magic, never bliss. We had it once, then I found out he was still a great big liar and it has never come back again.

activity log 6/1/2010

7:30 pm check work calendar
Pack exercise clothes and water bottle
2. lay out clothes for tomorrow
3. pack school bag
4. make lunch and snack
6. Put everything you need to take together in a to-go place
7. Shine sink
8. Put away any laundry
10. Fill dishwasher
wash face, brush teeth, moisturize
12. clear off hot spots: coffee table, kitchen counter, chair
13. Check calendar for family activities tomorrow
14. Turn off computer @ 10:00 pm
15. Set alarm clock

8:30 check regular calendar
8:47 Say something nice to handsome!

9:09 check calendar
9:15 balance checking accounts
9:40 check calendar
9:52 plan time
10:00 bed

thankful

I have a voice to speak with.

activity log 5/27/2010

9:00 pm check calendar
9:23 Tracy
9:26 check calendar
10:00 Bed

thankful

my bed...

Activity log 5/26/2010

8:53 pm check calendar
8:56 Precious
9:15 calendar
10:00 bed

Thankful

Handsome has promised to take me to church this weekend!

Channel anger into writing

Well, today, I don't have any anger to deal with. After our ordeal on Sunday, handsome has such a new found appreciation of life, so I can't possibly bring up all the crap from the past. I suppose thatmeans that it is time to let it all go. Just trying to deal with work and life day to day.

activity log 5/24/2010

9:00 pm check calendar
9:06 Ancestry.com
9:15 check calendar
10:00 Bed
6:00 am check schedule

thankful

Surviving the worst sail ever. Should be dead. Still living.

thankful

Sick days.

activity log 5/19/2010

9:06 Checking calendar
9:11 Learn how to channel anger- make new memories together

activity log 5/17/2010

3:59 Checking calendar, @ work
4:00 Clean dryer lint trap, on my way home to do it.
4:15 check calendar
4:30 Aromatherapy- Off to Sprouts.
5:15 Learn to Cook
5:30 Check Calendar
6:00 Eat dinner- Ate a slice of strawberry banana cream pie. That's healthy, right?
6:28 Check calendar
6:34 Multivitamin
6:40 Check Calendar
6:43 Drink Tea- Peppermint!
7:45 Chicken Enchilada
7:51 Check calendar
7:52 Precious
8:25 Check calendar

5/17/2010

Brain is all mush today. I called him my morse code lover, cause his love has holes in it. He didn't take it very well. He had he chance to shorten my pain. Dr. told him that I would heal faster if he told me all the details and answered all my questions. He preferred extending my suffering. Helping me to heal more quickly was not his decision, so now we are stuck with this. Guess his thinkahead is still broken.

Monday, 20 days of school to go. Today has been a rough day. The weather is overcast and so are their moods. We all have spring fever. I am so ready to go do something else with my life!

activity log 5/16/10

3:20 Check calendar, sailing with C. . . 3:33 Study local customs. 5:10 Check calendar 5:12 10 minutes with handsome 5:28 Check calendar

5/16/10

Hanging on the boat. It is cold today. Handsome is working on stuff. I've been reading St. John Chrysostom On Marriage. . . It's a lot more for men than wives. It's all bugging me today. Never going to have the relationship I had dreamed of. Can I be happy settling? Does it even matter if I'm happy? According to what I read today, it's not my job to love him, just obey him. And respect him but that one is next to impossible after what he's done.

activity log 5/14/2010

9:11 check calendar

thankful

Good visit from a good friend with positive news. Looks like my real boss isn't going to let me get fired. We'll see.

activity log 5/12/2010

8:34 watching Zoolander, checking calendar

activity log 5/11/2010

7:35 watching The Golden Compass

activity log 5/10/2010

5:35 check calendar
5:37- lay down for a little while
7:20 check calendar
7:30- Watch a movie- Gene Kelly and Judy Garland

Thankful

The best mom ever!

Thankful

The best mom ever!

thankful

Good music

thankful

warm weather, full stomach

activity log 5/6/2010

7:40 off to the Dr. Maybe he can help me figure out how to prioritize my life.

activity log 5/4/2010

8:38 pm start log, watching DEA on Spike TV (60)
8:39 check calendar
8:44 going to bed

5/2/2010

I slept well, but still woke up completely exhausted. The stress at work is going to kill me. God may not give us more than we can handle, but I seem to have created a mess for myself that I can't quite get through.

The shower felt so good. The warm water running over me. Clean hair. I thought it might wake me up, but not really. I knew what was ahead of me and it was just too daunting.

I tackled a few of the bills and got those taken care of. Luckily, the weather totally crapped out, so Handsome was willing to just hang around the house today. We had planned on trying to go sailing, but not in the fog.

Once I got the bills taken care of, it was diving into this pile of IEP goals. I decided I would go on and off, do one goal and then do something else. It is prolonging the process, but at least my brain is fresh with each goal. I am probably still not doing them correctly, but at least I'm trying.

Spent a little while looking at job openings in the entire Southern California area. There are a lot of opportunities. Just none of them are close to home.

Handsome made biscuits for breakfast and they were good. Then he decided to go down to the harbor and pick the dinghy up out of the water. While he was there, he decided to wash the sails so that he could stay out of my hair. It looks as though he really has learned to be an amazing man. Sucks that he had to rip my heart and sanity to complete shreds, and this job mess is a complication of all of that, too. But I'm glad that maybe we can finally be happy.

Had an orange, did my AlphaStim today. Maybe a little healthy stuff can help.


Journal reflection:
March 20, 2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with tall who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day will peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.


--- I was trying to memorize this prayer then. I have not done so, nor do I apply it well to my life. Each morning is filled with dread and fear of the expectations before me. What was going on then? Handsome was on worker's comp. for his shoulder. I was working as an aide with JS. Precious was 15, which was not a good year for her, but she was with us. I need to remember this prayer. I need to engrave it on my heart.

activity log 4/27/2010

7:35 PM- watching A Sound of Thunder on TV. It's a little boring. During the movie, I cleaned the kitchen cabinets and emptied crumbs from the toaster and defragged the computer. 9:00 PM drinking a cup of peppermint tea, watching Deadliest Catch

Thankful

Just 33 days of school left!

4/25/10

We woke up around 8. We needed to be ready to go by 10 so we started securing stuff and saying our goodbyes. Set off by 10:15. Of course everyone passed us. Got about an hour to go. It has been a gorgeous day.

activity log 4/24/10

12:30 Hanging out in the sun in Oceanside, drinking my first Bloody Mary ever. Talking with my new yacht club friends. 1:30 We went to Tony's for lunch 3:45 back @ the slip. Check schedule.

activity log 4/20/10

2:45 check schedule 2:50 Mary Kay

Hole

There's a hole in my life that is 13 years big. Why is that? I have no idea what part of my life is real or not. There is the way that I've experienced my life, and then there is reality. I could cherish the week at the island. Oh, but wait, every time I fell asleep or went to the bathroom, he was talking to his lovers. So how do I know he wasn't thinking about them the whole time. While we were drinking our buffalo milk, maybe he was thinking how much she would like it here. Or maybe while we were kayaking through the cave, he was wishing he'd rather be doing it with her.

Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.

How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.

Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.

That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.

All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.

It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?

I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?

activity log 4/16/10

1:10 teaching.
2:45 Check schedule.
2:48 Visualize self as great teacher.
2:50 Check schedule.
2:52 Question the objectivity of my thoughts. Am I able to think about what I want from/with him objectively? So many emotions in the way...
2:55 Check schedule
2:56 look for auditions
3:13 Mary Kay.
3:17 Pampered Chef.
3:19 Check Schedule- Christine, going home to Facebook and e-mail.
3:45 Learning how to buy an island- researched owning a B&B
4:36 check schedule.
4:40 Shower
5:12 Check schedule
5:16 artistic expression
5:25 Check schedule.
5:30 Handsome came home. We did a little bookkeeping then went to the storage unit.
6:06 Off to Target to get a purse that doesn't swallow my stuff. Couldn't find one, but found a monster that will work at Wal-Mart. Decided to go grab dinner while we were out. About 7:00, I started having a little panic. Did she ever see his asshole side, or was he always on his best behavior with her? How did she react to it? Started to hyperventilate and then remembered I'd hardly eaten anything all day. Decided to make myself wait until I had some nutrients in my head before I let myself freak out.
7:47 Check schedule.
8:03 Ancestry.com - Hans Peter Christensen
8:13 Check Schedule
8:15 Handsome

Thankful

Taxes are paid...

thankful

Summer vacation

Thankful

A quiet night alone...

4/9/2010

Last week day of spring break. I have thoroughly enjoyed this week off. Mom and Dad have been here since Monday. We went to the spa and played in the mud, putt putting and the Wild Animal Park. It's been nice. Precious even did a couple of things with us.

I want mom and dad to taste my roast, but we don't have any pans. I got up early this morning and seared the roast on the barbecue. That was kind of cool. We'll see how it turns out in the end. The smell is torture. I don't know if I can wait until dinner to break into it.

I spent a couple of hours working on my IEP goals, until they all started to blur together. I still have a few students I need to look at before Monday, but I'll do that later.

We're just hanging out now. Tonight we go bowling, all of us, and tomorrow we go sailing.

Last night we had our appointment with the Dr. Things seem to be going well. We might actually make it after all. It really sucks that I had to get torn to pieces in order for us to be any where near happy, but I guess that's life.

I really don't want to go back to work on Monday, but it's got to be done. I envy those women who can stay home and take care of their homes and families. I don't know how my sister-in-law can be bored. I would be so happy. Each to his own I suppose.

good things

I have the best parents in the world!!

good things

Good things about me and my life...
I am self-giving.

scared

4:30 in the morning and after multiple attempts to try to seduce my husband in the last 16 hours or so, I come up short. I am afraid that I just can't compare to all of his other whores that he has spent his time with this last 5 years and I am always going to feel rejected and undesirable. He was obsessed with sex with strangers, but with me, still far between. I am afraid that after all that he has done without me, that there is nothing left to do with me. I will never turn him on the way that forbidden did. I've asked this question for years, and still have no answer... if all a man wants is sex, but he doesn't want it from you, what's wrong with you?

4/4/10

I cant believe i slept 12 hours last night. Feeling semi normal today. Almost happy. I was thinking about how our true hope lies not in His death but in His resurrection. The hope that we can arise from the hell weve brought on ourselves and live again. This is my hope that i might be alive again. We actually ate breakfast at home today. I like cereal and unclogged arteries. Were at the boat of course and hes got the new gauges installed. Clouds are coming in. I find myself constantly checking facebook to see how MTs son. I cant help but think it could have been my son and i worry a lot. I want to say something encouraging but what do you say when its been nearly 2 decades. My heart aches for him.

4/3/10

I almost feel normal today. Woke up about 7:30. Grabbed the bathing suits & off to bagels for breakfast. The drive to the boat was nice. We actually talked. The mission today is to get the oil sensor working. Of course we've been all over the county trying to find the parts.

Blasphemy

Okay, this is going to be totally sacrilegious and blasphemous, but here goes. I was prompted to think about what Good Friday means to me. I thought how it reminds me how I have betrayed God and my only true way to salvation is the sacrifice, the death, of my Lord, the one who loves me the most. So then, my stupid brain, which has been absolutely furious with God for allowing my husband to do what he has done connects that maybe it is the same for us. My husband has become a better man, although he has not yet reconciled with God yet. Was that the purpose of all of this. Did I have to die, as I have been doing, in order for my husband to live? Am I the lamb, although not blemish free, the path to my husband's renewal? Is it because I love him the most that I had to die for him? I remember offering my soul to God for his at one point. Did God take me up on my offer? Did I actually ask for this Hell that I live in? If all of this is so, if I am to be an example of Christ to my husband, where is my resurrection? Is it in my hands or in God's? When do I live again?

Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.

It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."

thankful

I wrote this today with every intention of following through. Then I started thinking about all of the events that we have planned to do together and realized that it's hopeless. We have something planned almost every weekend, things that I want to do, things that I want to do with him. I'm pathetic... But I guess I'm glad I thought about that before I actually sent it.

Did you know that, ironically, the time that I have been the happiest in the last 5 years was right after I found out (the first time) about your affair. We had a great month. I felt so connected to you as you opened up and told me how you felt about things, how you felt and your health, and were even telling me about your affair. You couldn't keep your hands off of me and for the first time in years of our marriage I felt desirable and sexy, we had passion and were were emotionally close. I was extremely attracted to your honesty, brutally painful as it was. That was what I wanted from you more than anything in the world- total honesty. That's what I had been asking God for years before.

Then I found out it was all a lie. You never stopped your relationship with her, not for one second. As far as I see it you were crying because you thought you would lose her, not me. You didn't tell me everything. You kept your secrets and didn't even tell me that you were sick and spilling proteins. What I thought that we had when we were first married and I thought had returned to me was never there. That is still what I want- nothing off limits, to be able to talk about absolutely everything, for you to want me like you did that month, before I found out it was really other people you wanted. You gave all of your passion and adventure to strangers, and you gave mine to them right along with it. And then, gee, you wondered why I was always grumpy.

I can't be with you without all those questions surfacing. They come up all the time, and especially when we have sex. Did she do that?, Did you do such and such? How often did you? Was she better? Where did you? When did you? What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Did you last longer for her? Did you ever fight? Did you ever think of me when you were with her? What did you tell them about me? Were you really at work all those nights? What about when you were doing camera shift? When I was in Vegas with my family? Did you in the trailer? Who knew? Was I the first "girlfriend" your friends met? Did they know all along that I was your wife? How did it end? Did she know about the others? The online people? Was she really the first? the only? What did you do on your comp days? Who was prettier? Who was skinnier? Did you moan for her? them? Did you have foreplay, or was "suck my cock" enough to rev her engine? Did you kiss
them, hold them close, touch them, take off their clothes for them? What else did you try for them, besides shoes and stockings? Whose idea was it? Theirs or yours? Do you still want to do that? How did it make you feel? How often did you really listen to that CD? I remember seeing you take it out of your player several times when I got in the truck? How did it make you feel? When did you get it? Did you give her one? several? Was that "your song"? How did they make you feel? All those people? So many questions, even more... no answers. Unresolved and randomly surfacing seeking resolution, without warning.

Songs on the radio, people falling in love on TV, all reflect what you did without me, with others, what doesn't apply to me. Love songs break my heart because they don't apply. No true love, no always, no forever. There can never be an always or forever. That is gone, permanently. You stopped loving me. You loved someone else. There is no forever in that.

The truth is that we live a lie. You don't trust me. You never have and I don't think you ever will. There will always be secrets that are more important to you than I am. For nearly a decade now, the way that we "solve" my problems is that I make them go away. We don't deal with them. We just procrastinate and drag it out until I give up and stop talking about it, except in the sarcastic side notes that escape from me, evidence that it still hurts.

You loved her because you trusted her and she proved to be worthy of that trust. She is far too much of a coward to admit what really happened, loyal to you to the core. She is a better person than I am. You trusted her, still do today, more than me, and rightfully so. She was willing to be with you, even though there was another. She was willing to share you, just to be with you. She will keep your secrets to the grave and I won't be happy until I've unearthed them all. Guess you picked the right lover, wrong wife.

I feel so utterly rejected, untrustworthy, unwanted, undesirable, even hated sometimes. Yes, I know that you love me, but it's not that deep, passionate, magical love. That kind of love requires no walls or boundaries. I know that is partially my fault. It's hard to love a grouch. I feel cherished by you, but I'm sorry, I need more than that. I need your love for me to be deep and brave. You've done dozens of things that make me feel good, loved. But I'm stubborn. None of those things are the things that I have asked for. I'm like that stupid kid who gets something amazing for Christmas, but gets pissed off because it is not what I asked for. I don't get that "melty" feeling anymore. I still love you, but I can't let go of the hurt. It's not about trusting you not to do it again, although I do still get jumpy. It's about the fact that you did it in the first place. I can never get those years of my life back.

For years and years, when you were holding me, you couldn't wait to see what she was going to say, running to your cell phone when you were supposed to be loving me. Sending her messages while you lay in my bed, stood in my living room with me just inches away. You gave those other people all of your attention. You gave them your soul and your secret self, things that you will never let me see. Really, I guess that's what it boils down to... jealousy. There are strangers that know things about you that I am not allowed to ever know. Maybe that's control, I don't know, but I feel left out.

While I was at work missing you horribly, you were off fucking other people (sorry, I mean making love to them). Within moments of having sex with me (because you don't "make love" to me), you were off texting or calling her and others. While we were out on a "date" you would text her while I was in the bathroom. As far as I know, every moment that you were with me, you were thinking about her or what you would do online. Your 4 am romance sessions only came after someone else turned you on, not because I did. Trips to Catalina, not about me... nap time and shower time was talk with your girlfriends time. You have made no effort at all to tell me that any of our life together was not tainted. People make meaning of life out of their memories and you can't give me any to hold onto. You can't even verify if it was 2 days or 3 years that you spent sleeping with her, although, the way it looks to me, it was the latter. If that is something
you "forget", then how many millions of other pertinent pieces of information have you "forgotten". You experimented and were adventurous with strangers, but you take no risk with me. You did things with others that you won't do with me, no matter how many different ways I ask. There's no seduction, no foreplay, no costumes, no openness of soul, no trust, no play, no honesty, with me.

I'm greedy... I want you to talk to me the way that you talked to them. I want you to show me what you showed them. I want you to do to me what you did with them. I want you to share with me what you shared with them. I want you to tell me what they did to you, how they talked to you, what they shared with you. Probably not healthy, but it's what I want. But I have learned that in this world, it doesn't matter what I want. The answer is always "no".

Do you know how stupid I feel that we called the boat the girlfriend because she was the only girlfriend you had, and yet, who knows how many you really did have. Only God does, because you've "forgotten".

I can't live with secrets and living ghosts. I have tried and it just won't go away. I think about what has happened all the time and I can't believe that you never think about it. It was 5 years of my life! How do you just forget how you squandered my life away?! You love your secrets more than me and apparently I do too. You have already shown that you are more than capable of finding someone that can make you more happy than I can, so you can be happy again, without me always reminding you that you're not perfect. You are a good man who made some mistakes. I am just too stupid to let it go. Not your fault. Maybe I'm crazy like my Grandma, maybe I'm bitter like your mom, maybe I'm just an idiot to let the wonderful man that you are slip away because I can't let go of this pain. Who knows? But I can't live this way any more.

Sure, this marriage could be fixed. All things are possible with God's help, but He abandoned me years ago and he's not going to do crap to fix any of this. I hate Him for letting this happen and I don't want to have anything to do with Him. I'm sure you're thinking "free will" but if He can change the Pharoah's heart, then it is possible to affect anyone's decisions. As far as I am concerned, He let this happen and I don't think I will ever forgive Him for it.

After a year of therapy, we still can't talk about anything that matters, about you and I. I feel completely lost and alone. If I have to be alone in this world, then I would just rather be alone. I want to see if this pain goes away when you're not around. I want to see if I miss you when I'm not with you. I want a break. You got a break for 5 years, maybe more, I don't know when this all really started. I know I said I would forgive and move on, but I guess I lied.

Am I afraid of losing you? YES, but I'm afraid of losing myself more right now. I'm not asking you for anything but some space, some time. Even after everything that I've said here, I am not asking for any explanations or answers to anything. You don't owe me anything. I am not making any permanent decisions. I'm not sure where I'll be, Patty's, the boat, Mannette's. I'm not even going to pray that God bring me home again, because that will guarantee that I won't. "Ask and ye shall receive" has turned into "Ask and ye shall receive the opposite" when it comes to God and I.

I am not trying to punish you, you have been absolutely wonderful to me this last year. This is not about you. This about me, how selfish I am, how hard hearted I have become. In all honesty, you and Felicia deserve better than I am. Either I will become better, or you can find another who is. It won't be difficult for you. You are handsome, charming, intelligent, strong, supportive, caring, interesting, talented, sexy, kind, loving, and funny. I'm just an idiot that doesn't deserve your patience.

thankful

Thankful for electricity.

thankful

I am thankful that we do not live in the 1940s, losing tens of thousands of our men to war.

3/29/2010

Another beautiful morning on the boat and of course all i can think about is all the stuff they were too cowardice to admit. I really cant figure out sometimes why i stay. We went to breakfast. When we got back we took the paddleboards out and saw some friends. It was warm and nice then the wind picked up. We hung out for awhile when E came by just a short visit then he headed off on his board. Today was jans baby shower for her daughter. We dinghied over to m & js boat to say hi. Ran into jb. Plans for oklahoma are moving along. They just closed escrow. Were just hanging on the boat and it seems like every song is a fucking love song. I hate love songs! They only remind me of what i dont have. This feeling of not wanting to be somewhere i desparately want to be is going to drive me nuts.

good things

I am adventurous.

thankful

A beautiful harbor night and spring break in 4 days.

thankful

Dinner

3/21/2010

Woke up early with work on the brain. Stayed in bed a little longer though. Went to breakfast

thankful

Today i woke up before 6 am, got up & played with facebook for a while. Handsome called me a couple times. I went back upstairs to him about 7:30

good things

Sunny day on the sailboat

3/13/2010

Woke up about 7, which really sucked since i didn't have to. But i layed in bed until after 8. Heard handsome come in the door and assumed he went for coffee. When i heard him shaking the paint can, i knew i had some more time. So i rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. About 8:15, i was trying to decide if i would get up. Next thing i knew, i was crawling out of bed. I don't even remember deciding to get up. "I guess im getting up now," i said outloud. I actually felt good. Off to the shower. I took a long shower, really hot. For just a few minutes, there were no problems running through my head. Not work, not cheating, not money. After the shower i decided i was going to wear something nice. I just needed to feel good. Handsome was exited to show me all the work hed done while he let me sleep in. A little cuddling on the couch and off to georges for breakfast. My phone started to tweet... a message from my lover. "I want to suck your tits." i must have been looking better. He hasnt come onto me

positives

I have great tits.

Thankful

I am thankful for hot showers!

Experiment 3/7/2010

2:19 pm On the way to Home Depot again. Returning extra grout, shopping for sink strainer, handsome bought a garbage disposal.

2:50 Off to OSH for sink strainer. Home Depot didn't have one we liked. 3:01 stopped for gas along the way.

3:20 All done. Headed for home, saw a rainbow

3:35 Home. Handsome blows a fuse because we were out of bleach. No one told me we were out of bleach so I could buy some more. He asked me to go get some, and of course, I went. It gets me out of the house while he has his tantrum.

4:05 home again. Wiped the haze off the glass tile. Took laundry out of dryer.

4:30 Facebook

Thankful

Thankful for dental insurance. This tooth has fallen out at least 10 times now. I hope the new one stays!

Thankful

In the past, I have really despised the rain, but I find myself very thankful for it this year. It just fits the way that I feel. I know how much we need the rain and am grateful that the reservoirs are being filled and that everything will be green in the spring. I remember as a child when I loved the rain. It was warm and I loved to go out and take a walk and feel the water running down my face. It was always warm when it rained in Texas. It's not so warm here, but we have the doors open while handsome works on the house and I'm not miserable. I love the feeling of the water pouring on my head!

2/27/2010

Woke up early for a Saturday. Answering machine came on with a call from AES. So I decided to get up and go pay them.

thankful

I am soooo thankful it's Friday!!!

thankful

I am thankful for blankets.

2/21/10

Today, I start my experiment, logging everything. Starting by establishing a baseline over the next month. I am tired of feeling like this. Whether it be OCD, PMDD, or just plain depression, I want it to go away.

9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.

10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.

That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.

11:20
Write to Precious

11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer

Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log

Good Things...

A good therapist!

I love unconditionally.

AHHHH!

Well, my stupid ass husband still has an adultfriendfinder account, which he has recently visited and even paid for. This means that he has a secret e-mail address, too. I don't want to play this game anymore!!!

In the news...

I read an article today on Obama's reprimanding of the Republicans for holding things up. He accuses them of being petty and political. But he is ignoring the fact that is is their job to represent the people that elected them. He wants certain measures passed and if they are not then it is about politics and not beliefs. He needs to realize that if it comes to no action or bad action, we would prefer no action. Just because you got something done, doesn't mean that it was good.

Thankful

There is really so very much to be thankful for. I am learning that. To admit a fault, I am actually thankful for my husband, extremely. What brought me to that conclusion? I actually considered the possibility of leaving and trying to date other men. I gave it real and serious thought. I have realized that I am petrified of men. I have not made the greatest of choices and the odds of me finding another monster are pretty good. In my life, I've found men who have used and abused me, raped me, stalked me, and now shattered my heart. As I think about and look at the possibility of what I could find out there, I am actually drawn closer to my husband. He really is a good man who just made a mistake. A rather gigantic mistake, but just a mistake. He is not a bad man and I have never thought of him as so. So I am thankful for him and the love that he has for me.

And I am thankful for my ability to express my emotions. I work all day with children who don't know how to say what they feel and have no other option but tantrums.

1/31/10

Woke up early this morning. Woke up before Handsome, which is unusual for any day, let alone a Sunday. Did my 30 minute Wii workout. I'm getting stronger, but not any lighter. Doesn't matter. I'm not really trying to lose weight, just fix my brain chemistry and keep my heart healthy.

By the time I was finished, he had gotten up and showered. I went upstairs to do the same. I was wearing my flannel pajama top and a pair of his boxers. He threw me on the bed and planted a passionate kiss on me. It was wonderful.

Took a shower and got dressed. Went downstairs and was surprised that he wanted to eat breakfast at home again. Unusual for a weekend, but at least I'd get to eat something healthy.

We headed down to the harbor to install some lights on the swimstep. This was actually a fun project for Handsome, one just cause he could play with wires. At least on obligatory stop at the hardware store on the way.

Once he got it mostly run, I had to crawl in the bilge and tack up the wires where he couldn't reach. While he was finishing up, M and C came by with the kids. We talked for a little while. C is moving to gen ed after 15 years of special ed. I'm a little jealous, but she's earned it.

A little call of "son of a bitch" and they were quickly off. Handsome has a colorful vocabulary when he's working on a project.

While he finished up, I ran to Del Taco and grabbed lunch. We ate and called JB. Sad to hear that he is moving, but his wife won't have to work. That's nice for her.

It's a beautiful, sunny day with just a little chill in the air. I'm going to go enjoy the sun.

Facing Fears

It's not a fear of abandonment. I can handle him leaving. It's a fear which has been proven true, the fear of being stupid, weak, and used. Of living a life that is not real, but is just lies.

compatible?

We've been together 13 1/2 years. Of that, I've been going to counseling for 8, which means we've been miserably unhappy for at least 9 years, if not more. Things have only gotten worse over time and it doesn't look as though we will be happy, really happy, still for a while. Perhaps his affairs are just a reflection of the fact that we are not meant for each other. He used to talk about how heloved his first wife, they just couldn't live with each other. Maybe it's the same with us?

Thankful

I am thankful for my Precious and for internet... although it was an avenue for my husband to be a cheating bastard, it helps keep me organized.

1/28/2010

Journal reflection- March 19, 2004

O lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on YOur Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


I read this at a crazy time in my life. When hasn't been a crazy time? Although my life is far more simple than a giant number of people, it seems it has been crazy to me. I was working full time, going to school full time for my credential, home schooling Precious, and still responsible for everything in the house- the bills, the groceries, dinner, cleaning everything. I needed this connection with God and sought Him out for support. Apparently I will always need him for support. I guess I can see now how easy it was for the ones wandering in the desert with Moses to forget who saved them. I felt distant from my husband, like he had shut me out and I was a huge disappointment even as I struggled to get him the things that he wanted. We enjoyed the boat and he spent a lot of his free time on the Trophy, taking it out before or after work.

This Epistle reading has struck me today as I read it in the circumstance that I am in now. I am trying to move on in my life, but I just don't know if I want to stay still. Repay evil with a blessing? Is that God's way of telling me that even though my husband doesn't trust me or believe me, even though I am not the one who screwed around, it is my place to take the higher ground. I just have so little respect for myself.

Today is a work day. I've got a sub and I can get out for a while. I needed a day by myself. I hope the kids are doing well, but I don't really want to check in.

Thankful

I am thankful for potatoes... and cheese. : D

Thankful

I am thankful that my husband has become a nicer person.


I just wish it hadn't had to cost me so much to get there.

Yummmm

The next time you want to complain about your sex life, remember last night. He was attentive and amazing.

I wish he was as obsessed with me as he was with cheating on me.

I wish that he could trust me as much as he trusted her, but I realize that is a gift that will never, ever happen.

The perfect storm

Unusually strong winds are hitting us here. Worried about a leak in the boat, we decided to go down to the harbor and check on the boat. The drive was a little tense with the traffic and the driving rain. We went to get a little snack, but pulled over on the way. There was a waterfall right there in the harbor. Maybe not romantic, as it was runoff, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He jumped out of the car to get a picture. I thought about following, but hesitated. After a minute, though, the rain and the fall were too tempting. I jumped out and the rain felt wonderful. I was happy.

We finally decided to go. He needed to get something to eat. After our snack, it was back to the boat. Pulled into the parking lot and there was a little puddle outside the door of the car. Of course, the rain was driving harder than it had all day, right at the point that we had to run to the boat through the rain. And that's just what we did. As we ran through the rain, I couldn't help but say to him that this was how some of my favorite fantasies began, two lovers running through the rain, caught off guard.

I jumped up on the boat over the safety lines and dropped them so he could get over them. I scrambled to get the lock off and take the door pieces off, while it just seemed to rain harder and harder. Finally got inside and pulled off my coat so that I could move around better. He stayed in the cockpit.

I looked around a little, expecting he would come down in just a second. Found the front hatch was fine, but there was a little leak on the port side of the boat, where we had already fixed, or thought we had fixed, the leak. I wasn't too bad, though. I pulled the cushions off the settee so that they wouldn't soak up any water that might leak down. As I checked a few more places, the rain really started to come down. I crawled back into the aft cabin to check and make sure the berth was staying dry.



When I came back out of the stateroom, he had come down into the stairs, but he was drenched. Soaking wet to the core. It was raining so hard, there was no way we could go out in the rain again. I suggested he should get out of his wet clothes. I keep a change of clothes for both of us in the locker.