be aware of your anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week after all the events and activities. I've come to the conclusion that there is a very good possibility that I have never, ever actually been married. How do I know when this all began? I talked about how I don't feel as though I am married now, that the commitment that exists between us is null. When given the opportunity to think about when the lack of commitment started, I keep going backwards. Unfortunately, since he's not spilling the beans, he is forced to compete with the story that my brain has concocted. Was it January 2005? Or maybe when he was on disability the year before? Perhaps that bottle of vodka that he delivered down the street to the girl he carpooled with that I had no idea he was carpooling with, maybe already then? Or maybe when he was on administrative leave? How did he fill his spare time then? Was it as far back as 2000 when Precious said she say dad on porn sites while I was at Grandma's funeral?

Who knows and does it even matter anymore? If this marriage is dead and over, he doesn't owe me any explanations or apologies or anything else.

So, I've developed a plan for what I will accept for reconciliation and I'll talk with one of my counselors with it. I don't want this marriage to be over. I do truly love him so very much, but if it's already dead, I can't resurrect it on my own.