thankful for...

Found myself quoting "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me" this morning. As horrendous as this experience has been, it has brought me closer to God and I suppose that for that I am thankful.

Still don't know what upset Handsome on Tuesday.

12/30/2010

I've done little to nothing today. Shaved my legs. That's about it. Last day I get to relax.

accept your fears

I am afraid that he will never love me for who I am. He is always going to be angry with me for very petty things. I accept that and will live my life to the best of my ability. I cannot spend my life trying to please him. I've tried that and it only made us both miserable. He can be miserable alone.

I am afraid we will never be happy.

Stress journal

Driving on old tires.

negative thoughts

I am having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It is hard to celebrate the birth of Christ alone. No one around me wants to have anything to do with Jesus and I feel alone.

anger

why are there so many horror movies?

anyway, not really angry, just jealous. I still think it sucks that he spent hours and hours texting and e-mailing sluts and I get nothing. Oh well, can't get everything I want. I'll get everything God wants.

afraid

I am still afraid that he will never find me desirable again. He gave all his passion, and mine, too, to strangers and sluts and has nothing left for me. I know he loves me, but will he ever want me again?

12/19/2010

Today is just another day. Missed church 'cause I wasn't feeling well and overslept. It's raining, but it's kinda nice. Sitting by the fireplace watching movie previews, baking a pizza, trying to chase this cold away before it gets worse. On vacation for a couple of weeks with no money, but happy. Not much to share.

Handsome is tiling the new counter in the laundry. It looks really good. Corny metaphor but he's rebuilding both our physical and our metaphorical homes.

angry

So we have a new set of neighbors next door with an infant. Not the first neighbor with a baby and not the first neighbor to have to deal with our remodeling project. But they seem to think that the world revolves around their baby's nap time. Several, several times, my Handsome has stopped working in the middle of project for their precious child's sacred nap time. This is an unusual trait for him, but I was proud of him for doing it.

Then as the floor project was coming up, I told him he needed to discuss the fact that we were not going to be able to stop during the nap time in order to complete the project. We only asked for one weekend to get this done. They told him it wouldn't be a problem.

Then construction time comes and she comes out and has a flipping fit. Like a little girls temper tantrum. We had given them a month's notice and they had acknowledged that it was fine. Handsome handled it really well.

Okay, so that's just a little annoying. I gave them the benefit of the doubt with the stress of finals and bar exams and defended them.

Then we receive a notice in the mail from the association. There's one thing being a bad neighbor, but it's an entirely different taking steps that you believe will cause financial harm to another person. It's a good thing they are both going to be lawyers because they have the ethics that go with it. They are ruthless and cruel.

This may be their home for now, but this is my home, too. The only one I will ever have, unless some miracle is to occur. I am trying to be Christian about this, but I have to admit that I am very upset. I find myself wishing bad things on them, like not being able to find a job.

But that's not right. I pray that God's will come in their lives, and I hope that he chooses to bless them for the baby's sake.

afraid

What am I still afraid of? I am afraid that I will stop taking my medication and still be crazy. I afraid of the flood of despair returning.

afraid

I am afraid that I will forget my new found appreciation of life and start taking things for granted again.

12/12/2010

Just hangin around in the house while Handsome puts some finishing touches on the bathroom counter. He's done a really good job. Sometime I will be able to put some pictures online. Watching "GoldenEye". Feeling good. Enjoying the day. Not really upset about anything today.