channel anger into writing

I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.