activity log 5/16/10

3:20 Check calendar, sailing with C. . . 3:33 Study local customs. 5:10 Check calendar 5:12 10 minutes with handsome 5:28 Check calendar

5/16/10

Hanging on the boat. It is cold today. Handsome is working on stuff. I've been reading St. John Chrysostom On Marriage. . . It's a lot more for men than wives. It's all bugging me today. Never going to have the relationship I had dreamed of. Can I be happy settling? Does it even matter if I'm happy? According to what I read today, it's not my job to love him, just obey him. And respect him but that one is next to impossible after what he's done.

activity log 5/14/2010

9:11 check calendar

thankful

Good visit from a good friend with positive news. Looks like my real boss isn't going to let me get fired. We'll see.

activity log 5/12/2010

8:34 watching Zoolander, checking calendar

activity log 5/11/2010

7:35 watching The Golden Compass

activity log 5/10/2010

5:35 check calendar
5:37- lay down for a little while
7:20 check calendar
7:30- Watch a movie- Gene Kelly and Judy Garland

Thankful

The best mom ever!

Thankful

The best mom ever!

thankful

Good music

thankful

warm weather, full stomach

activity log 5/6/2010

7:40 off to the Dr. Maybe he can help me figure out how to prioritize my life.

activity log 5/4/2010

8:38 pm start log, watching DEA on Spike TV (60)
8:39 check calendar
8:44 going to bed

5/2/2010

I slept well, but still woke up completely exhausted. The stress at work is going to kill me. God may not give us more than we can handle, but I seem to have created a mess for myself that I can't quite get through.

The shower felt so good. The warm water running over me. Clean hair. I thought it might wake me up, but not really. I knew what was ahead of me and it was just too daunting.

I tackled a few of the bills and got those taken care of. Luckily, the weather totally crapped out, so Handsome was willing to just hang around the house today. We had planned on trying to go sailing, but not in the fog.

Once I got the bills taken care of, it was diving into this pile of IEP goals. I decided I would go on and off, do one goal and then do something else. It is prolonging the process, but at least my brain is fresh with each goal. I am probably still not doing them correctly, but at least I'm trying.

Spent a little while looking at job openings in the entire Southern California area. There are a lot of opportunities. Just none of them are close to home.

Handsome made biscuits for breakfast and they were good. Then he decided to go down to the harbor and pick the dinghy up out of the water. While he was there, he decided to wash the sails so that he could stay out of my hair. It looks as though he really has learned to be an amazing man. Sucks that he had to rip my heart and sanity to complete shreds, and this job mess is a complication of all of that, too. But I'm glad that maybe we can finally be happy.

Had an orange, did my AlphaStim today. Maybe a little healthy stuff can help.


Journal reflection:
March 20, 2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with tall who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day will peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.


--- I was trying to memorize this prayer then. I have not done so, nor do I apply it well to my life. Each morning is filled with dread and fear of the expectations before me. What was going on then? Handsome was on worker's comp. for his shoulder. I was working as an aide with JS. Precious was 15, which was not a good year for her, but she was with us. I need to remember this prayer. I need to engrave it on my heart.

activity log 4/27/2010

7:35 PM- watching A Sound of Thunder on TV. It's a little boring. During the movie, I cleaned the kitchen cabinets and emptied crumbs from the toaster and defragged the computer. 9:00 PM drinking a cup of peppermint tea, watching Deadliest Catch

Thankful

Just 33 days of school left!

4/25/10

We woke up around 8. We needed to be ready to go by 10 so we started securing stuff and saying our goodbyes. Set off by 10:15. Of course everyone passed us. Got about an hour to go. It has been a gorgeous day.

activity log 4/24/10

12:30 Hanging out in the sun in Oceanside, drinking my first Bloody Mary ever. Talking with my new yacht club friends. 1:30 We went to Tony's for lunch 3:45 back @ the slip. Check schedule.

activity log 4/20/10

2:45 check schedule 2:50 Mary Kay

Hole

There's a hole in my life that is 13 years big. Why is that? I have no idea what part of my life is real or not. There is the way that I've experienced my life, and then there is reality. I could cherish the week at the island. Oh, but wait, every time I fell asleep or went to the bathroom, he was talking to his lovers. So how do I know he wasn't thinking about them the whole time. While we were drinking our buffalo milk, maybe he was thinking how much she would like it here. Or maybe while we were kayaking through the cave, he was wishing he'd rather be doing it with her.

Then there's a trip to Vegas. Our anniversary. So many times when he could have been loving her when he was telling me he loved me. Nothing is real.

How about the month that we spent have amazing makeup sex? Same story. Minutes after being done with me, he was talking to her. How do I know he was even thinking about me when he was fucking me? He certainly doesn't make love to me like that any more, and he didn't really before.

Oh, I know! That date to the harbor. Oh, no, sorry. While I got up to go to the bathroom during the date. He made sure to check in with his lover. For all I know, he was waiting for the moment to talk to her and wasn't thinking about me at all.

That year that he was on worker's comp? What was he really doing all day long while I was at work? Who was he with? That bottle of Vodka he delivered to a coworker down the street... I've always been suspicious of that.

All those years that he told me he wanted a baby with me while he was telling everyone else he didn't.

It just goes on and on. My life with him is a complete lie. There is nothing real that I can hold onto. My life for the last 13 years has no meaning at all. I thought we were in love. Now I have no idea who I'm even married to. How can I love a stranger?

I wake up like this every morning! I want to know why I have wasted my life away. Why he has wasted my life away. Is there any way to make this all mean something or is it just a big fat hole?

activity log 4/16/10

1:10 teaching.
2:45 Check schedule.
2:48 Visualize self as great teacher.
2:50 Check schedule.
2:52 Question the objectivity of my thoughts. Am I able to think about what I want from/with him objectively? So many emotions in the way...
2:55 Check schedule
2:56 look for auditions
3:13 Mary Kay.
3:17 Pampered Chef.
3:19 Check Schedule- Christine, going home to Facebook and e-mail.
3:45 Learning how to buy an island- researched owning a B&B
4:36 check schedule.
4:40 Shower
5:12 Check schedule
5:16 artistic expression
5:25 Check schedule.
5:30 Handsome came home. We did a little bookkeeping then went to the storage unit.
6:06 Off to Target to get a purse that doesn't swallow my stuff. Couldn't find one, but found a monster that will work at Wal-Mart. Decided to go grab dinner while we were out. About 7:00, I started having a little panic. Did she ever see his asshole side, or was he always on his best behavior with her? How did she react to it? Started to hyperventilate and then remembered I'd hardly eaten anything all day. Decided to make myself wait until I had some nutrients in my head before I let myself freak out.
7:47 Check schedule.
8:03 Ancestry.com - Hans Peter Christensen
8:13 Check Schedule
8:15 Handsome

Thankful

Taxes are paid...

thankful

Summer vacation

Thankful

A quiet night alone...

4/9/2010

Last week day of spring break. I have thoroughly enjoyed this week off. Mom and Dad have been here since Monday. We went to the spa and played in the mud, putt putting and the Wild Animal Park. It's been nice. Precious even did a couple of things with us.

I want mom and dad to taste my roast, but we don't have any pans. I got up early this morning and seared the roast on the barbecue. That was kind of cool. We'll see how it turns out in the end. The smell is torture. I don't know if I can wait until dinner to break into it.

I spent a couple of hours working on my IEP goals, until they all started to blur together. I still have a few students I need to look at before Monday, but I'll do that later.

We're just hanging out now. Tonight we go bowling, all of us, and tomorrow we go sailing.

Last night we had our appointment with the Dr. Things seem to be going well. We might actually make it after all. It really sucks that I had to get torn to pieces in order for us to be any where near happy, but I guess that's life.

I really don't want to go back to work on Monday, but it's got to be done. I envy those women who can stay home and take care of their homes and families. I don't know how my sister-in-law can be bored. I would be so happy. Each to his own I suppose.

good things

I have the best parents in the world!!

good things

Good things about me and my life...
I am self-giving.

scared

4:30 in the morning and after multiple attempts to try to seduce my husband in the last 16 hours or so, I come up short. I am afraid that I just can't compare to all of his other whores that he has spent his time with this last 5 years and I am always going to feel rejected and undesirable. He was obsessed with sex with strangers, but with me, still far between. I am afraid that after all that he has done without me, that there is nothing left to do with me. I will never turn him on the way that forbidden did. I've asked this question for years, and still have no answer... if all a man wants is sex, but he doesn't want it from you, what's wrong with you?

4/4/10

I cant believe i slept 12 hours last night. Feeling semi normal today. Almost happy. I was thinking about how our true hope lies not in His death but in His resurrection. The hope that we can arise from the hell weve brought on ourselves and live again. This is my hope that i might be alive again. We actually ate breakfast at home today. I like cereal and unclogged arteries. Were at the boat of course and hes got the new gauges installed. Clouds are coming in. I find myself constantly checking facebook to see how MTs son. I cant help but think it could have been my son and i worry a lot. I want to say something encouraging but what do you say when its been nearly 2 decades. My heart aches for him.

4/3/10

I almost feel normal today. Woke up about 7:30. Grabbed the bathing suits & off to bagels for breakfast. The drive to the boat was nice. We actually talked. The mission today is to get the oil sensor working. Of course we've been all over the county trying to find the parts.

Blasphemy

Okay, this is going to be totally sacrilegious and blasphemous, but here goes. I was prompted to think about what Good Friday means to me. I thought how it reminds me how I have betrayed God and my only true way to salvation is the sacrifice, the death, of my Lord, the one who loves me the most. So then, my stupid brain, which has been absolutely furious with God for allowing my husband to do what he has done connects that maybe it is the same for us. My husband has become a better man, although he has not yet reconciled with God yet. Was that the purpose of all of this. Did I have to die, as I have been doing, in order for my husband to live? Am I the lamb, although not blemish free, the path to my husband's renewal? Is it because I love him the most that I had to die for him? I remember offering my soul to God for his at one point. Did God take me up on my offer? Did I actually ask for this Hell that I live in? If all of this is so, if I am to be an example of Christ to my husband, where is my resurrection? Is it in my hands or in God's? When do I live again?

Okay, I told you this would be blasphemous. Comparing myself to Christ when I am FAR from perfect. I only feel happy when I am close to God and yet, I purposefully neglect to pursue that relationship with any commitment. I am committed to myself, doing what I want. I have replaced God first with my husband and now with myself. I have made nothing of my life, I am nothing.

It is only when I try to cling to God that any of this shit makes any sense, but I hate it. Even if it makes sense, I hate that it happened. "I look for the resurrection to come..."

thankful

I wrote this today with every intention of following through. Then I started thinking about all of the events that we have planned to do together and realized that it's hopeless. We have something planned almost every weekend, things that I want to do, things that I want to do with him. I'm pathetic... But I guess I'm glad I thought about that before I actually sent it.

Did you know that, ironically, the time that I have been the happiest in the last 5 years was right after I found out (the first time) about your affair. We had a great month. I felt so connected to you as you opened up and told me how you felt about things, how you felt and your health, and were even telling me about your affair. You couldn't keep your hands off of me and for the first time in years of our marriage I felt desirable and sexy, we had passion and were were emotionally close. I was extremely attracted to your honesty, brutally painful as it was. That was what I wanted from you more than anything in the world- total honesty. That's what I had been asking God for years before.

Then I found out it was all a lie. You never stopped your relationship with her, not for one second. As far as I see it you were crying because you thought you would lose her, not me. You didn't tell me everything. You kept your secrets and didn't even tell me that you were sick and spilling proteins. What I thought that we had when we were first married and I thought had returned to me was never there. That is still what I want- nothing off limits, to be able to talk about absolutely everything, for you to want me like you did that month, before I found out it was really other people you wanted. You gave all of your passion and adventure to strangers, and you gave mine to them right along with it. And then, gee, you wondered why I was always grumpy.

I can't be with you without all those questions surfacing. They come up all the time, and especially when we have sex. Did she do that?, Did you do such and such? How often did you? Was she better? Where did you? When did you? What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Did you last longer for her? Did you ever fight? Did you ever think of me when you were with her? What did you tell them about me? Were you really at work all those nights? What about when you were doing camera shift? When I was in Vegas with my family? Did you in the trailer? Who knew? Was I the first "girlfriend" your friends met? Did they know all along that I was your wife? How did it end? Did she know about the others? The online people? Was she really the first? the only? What did you do on your comp days? Who was prettier? Who was skinnier? Did you moan for her? them? Did you have foreplay, or was "suck my cock" enough to rev her engine? Did you kiss
them, hold them close, touch them, take off their clothes for them? What else did you try for them, besides shoes and stockings? Whose idea was it? Theirs or yours? Do you still want to do that? How did it make you feel? How often did you really listen to that CD? I remember seeing you take it out of your player several times when I got in the truck? How did it make you feel? When did you get it? Did you give her one? several? Was that "your song"? How did they make you feel? All those people? So many questions, even more... no answers. Unresolved and randomly surfacing seeking resolution, without warning.

Songs on the radio, people falling in love on TV, all reflect what you did without me, with others, what doesn't apply to me. Love songs break my heart because they don't apply. No true love, no always, no forever. There can never be an always or forever. That is gone, permanently. You stopped loving me. You loved someone else. There is no forever in that.

The truth is that we live a lie. You don't trust me. You never have and I don't think you ever will. There will always be secrets that are more important to you than I am. For nearly a decade now, the way that we "solve" my problems is that I make them go away. We don't deal with them. We just procrastinate and drag it out until I give up and stop talking about it, except in the sarcastic side notes that escape from me, evidence that it still hurts.

You loved her because you trusted her and she proved to be worthy of that trust. She is far too much of a coward to admit what really happened, loyal to you to the core. She is a better person than I am. You trusted her, still do today, more than me, and rightfully so. She was willing to be with you, even though there was another. She was willing to share you, just to be with you. She will keep your secrets to the grave and I won't be happy until I've unearthed them all. Guess you picked the right lover, wrong wife.

I feel so utterly rejected, untrustworthy, unwanted, undesirable, even hated sometimes. Yes, I know that you love me, but it's not that deep, passionate, magical love. That kind of love requires no walls or boundaries. I know that is partially my fault. It's hard to love a grouch. I feel cherished by you, but I'm sorry, I need more than that. I need your love for me to be deep and brave. You've done dozens of things that make me feel good, loved. But I'm stubborn. None of those things are the things that I have asked for. I'm like that stupid kid who gets something amazing for Christmas, but gets pissed off because it is not what I asked for. I don't get that "melty" feeling anymore. I still love you, but I can't let go of the hurt. It's not about trusting you not to do it again, although I do still get jumpy. It's about the fact that you did it in the first place. I can never get those years of my life back.

For years and years, when you were holding me, you couldn't wait to see what she was going to say, running to your cell phone when you were supposed to be loving me. Sending her messages while you lay in my bed, stood in my living room with me just inches away. You gave those other people all of your attention. You gave them your soul and your secret self, things that you will never let me see. Really, I guess that's what it boils down to... jealousy. There are strangers that know things about you that I am not allowed to ever know. Maybe that's control, I don't know, but I feel left out.

While I was at work missing you horribly, you were off fucking other people (sorry, I mean making love to them). Within moments of having sex with me (because you don't "make love" to me), you were off texting or calling her and others. While we were out on a "date" you would text her while I was in the bathroom. As far as I know, every moment that you were with me, you were thinking about her or what you would do online. Your 4 am romance sessions only came after someone else turned you on, not because I did. Trips to Catalina, not about me... nap time and shower time was talk with your girlfriends time. You have made no effort at all to tell me that any of our life together was not tainted. People make meaning of life out of their memories and you can't give me any to hold onto. You can't even verify if it was 2 days or 3 years that you spent sleeping with her, although, the way it looks to me, it was the latter. If that is something
you "forget", then how many millions of other pertinent pieces of information have you "forgotten". You experimented and were adventurous with strangers, but you take no risk with me. You did things with others that you won't do with me, no matter how many different ways I ask. There's no seduction, no foreplay, no costumes, no openness of soul, no trust, no play, no honesty, with me.

I'm greedy... I want you to talk to me the way that you talked to them. I want you to show me what you showed them. I want you to do to me what you did with them. I want you to share with me what you shared with them. I want you to tell me what they did to you, how they talked to you, what they shared with you. Probably not healthy, but it's what I want. But I have learned that in this world, it doesn't matter what I want. The answer is always "no".

Do you know how stupid I feel that we called the boat the girlfriend because she was the only girlfriend you had, and yet, who knows how many you really did have. Only God does, because you've "forgotten".

I can't live with secrets and living ghosts. I have tried and it just won't go away. I think about what has happened all the time and I can't believe that you never think about it. It was 5 years of my life! How do you just forget how you squandered my life away?! You love your secrets more than me and apparently I do too. You have already shown that you are more than capable of finding someone that can make you more happy than I can, so you can be happy again, without me always reminding you that you're not perfect. You are a good man who made some mistakes. I am just too stupid to let it go. Not your fault. Maybe I'm crazy like my Grandma, maybe I'm bitter like your mom, maybe I'm just an idiot to let the wonderful man that you are slip away because I can't let go of this pain. Who knows? But I can't live this way any more.

Sure, this marriage could be fixed. All things are possible with God's help, but He abandoned me years ago and he's not going to do crap to fix any of this. I hate Him for letting this happen and I don't want to have anything to do with Him. I'm sure you're thinking "free will" but if He can change the Pharoah's heart, then it is possible to affect anyone's decisions. As far as I am concerned, He let this happen and I don't think I will ever forgive Him for it.

After a year of therapy, we still can't talk about anything that matters, about you and I. I feel completely lost and alone. If I have to be alone in this world, then I would just rather be alone. I want to see if this pain goes away when you're not around. I want to see if I miss you when I'm not with you. I want a break. You got a break for 5 years, maybe more, I don't know when this all really started. I know I said I would forgive and move on, but I guess I lied.

Am I afraid of losing you? YES, but I'm afraid of losing myself more right now. I'm not asking you for anything but some space, some time. Even after everything that I've said here, I am not asking for any explanations or answers to anything. You don't owe me anything. I am not making any permanent decisions. I'm not sure where I'll be, Patty's, the boat, Mannette's. I'm not even going to pray that God bring me home again, because that will guarantee that I won't. "Ask and ye shall receive" has turned into "Ask and ye shall receive the opposite" when it comes to God and I.

I am not trying to punish you, you have been absolutely wonderful to me this last year. This is not about you. This about me, how selfish I am, how hard hearted I have become. In all honesty, you and Felicia deserve better than I am. Either I will become better, or you can find another who is. It won't be difficult for you. You are handsome, charming, intelligent, strong, supportive, caring, interesting, talented, sexy, kind, loving, and funny. I'm just an idiot that doesn't deserve your patience.

thankful

Thankful for electricity.

thankful

I am thankful that we do not live in the 1940s, losing tens of thousands of our men to war.

3/29/2010

Another beautiful morning on the boat and of course all i can think about is all the stuff they were too cowardice to admit. I really cant figure out sometimes why i stay. We went to breakfast. When we got back we took the paddleboards out and saw some friends. It was warm and nice then the wind picked up. We hung out for awhile when E came by just a short visit then he headed off on his board. Today was jans baby shower for her daughter. We dinghied over to m & js boat to say hi. Ran into jb. Plans for oklahoma are moving along. They just closed escrow. Were just hanging on the boat and it seems like every song is a fucking love song. I hate love songs! They only remind me of what i dont have. This feeling of not wanting to be somewhere i desparately want to be is going to drive me nuts.

good things

I am adventurous.

thankful

A beautiful harbor night and spring break in 4 days.

thankful

Dinner

3/21/2010

Woke up early with work on the brain. Stayed in bed a little longer though. Went to breakfast

thankful

Today i woke up before 6 am, got up & played with facebook for a while. Handsome called me a couple times. I went back upstairs to him about 7:30

good things

Sunny day on the sailboat

3/13/2010

Woke up about 7, which really sucked since i didn't have to. But i layed in bed until after 8. Heard handsome come in the door and assumed he went for coffee. When i heard him shaking the paint can, i knew i had some more time. So i rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. About 8:15, i was trying to decide if i would get up. Next thing i knew, i was crawling out of bed. I don't even remember deciding to get up. "I guess im getting up now," i said outloud. I actually felt good. Off to the shower. I took a long shower, really hot. For just a few minutes, there were no problems running through my head. Not work, not cheating, not money. After the shower i decided i was going to wear something nice. I just needed to feel good. Handsome was exited to show me all the work hed done while he let me sleep in. A little cuddling on the couch and off to georges for breakfast. My phone started to tweet... a message from my lover. "I want to suck your tits." i must have been looking better. He hasnt come onto me

positives

I have great tits.

Thankful

I am thankful for hot showers!

Experiment 3/7/2010

2:19 pm On the way to Home Depot again. Returning extra grout, shopping for sink strainer, handsome bought a garbage disposal.

2:50 Off to OSH for sink strainer. Home Depot didn't have one we liked. 3:01 stopped for gas along the way.

3:20 All done. Headed for home, saw a rainbow

3:35 Home. Handsome blows a fuse because we were out of bleach. No one told me we were out of bleach so I could buy some more. He asked me to go get some, and of course, I went. It gets me out of the house while he has his tantrum.

4:05 home again. Wiped the haze off the glass tile. Took laundry out of dryer.

4:30 Facebook

Thankful

Thankful for dental insurance. This tooth has fallen out at least 10 times now. I hope the new one stays!

Thankful

In the past, I have really despised the rain, but I find myself very thankful for it this year. It just fits the way that I feel. I know how much we need the rain and am grateful that the reservoirs are being filled and that everything will be green in the spring. I remember as a child when I loved the rain. It was warm and I loved to go out and take a walk and feel the water running down my face. It was always warm when it rained in Texas. It's not so warm here, but we have the doors open while handsome works on the house and I'm not miserable. I love the feeling of the water pouring on my head!

2/27/2010

Woke up early for a Saturday. Answering machine came on with a call from AES. So I decided to get up and go pay them.

thankful

I am soooo thankful it's Friday!!!

thankful

I am thankful for blankets.

2/21/10

Today, I start my experiment, logging everything. Starting by establishing a baseline over the next month. I am tired of feeling like this. Whether it be OCD, PMDD, or just plain depression, I want it to go away.

9:10 PM- 10:40
Helped Handsome finish up some wiring and cleaning up the house after a weekend of painting and tiling the kitchen.

10:40-11:20- thought log
*Thoughts- I am down. I have realized that I have nearly no sex drive at all. I'm on the 3rd day of my period. I used to always want sex, it didn't matter what was going on, I always wanted him. I realized that I am still dealing with a tremendous sense of rejection. I may have chosen to forgive him for his stupidity, but it doesn't make me feel sexy and wanted. You may have read in the Autobiography blog about our sexcapade after my discovery of his affair. I talked about the connectedness and desire that he had for me then. Now, whenever sex comes up, I can't help but think about what he did with the other people, what I know and what I don't know. Everytime, and I mean EVERYtime, somewhere along the line I end up asking myself if they did this or if they did more. And inevitably, I always remember that he "made love" to her and doesn't do that with me. He has, once, recently, but I'm not sure if he wanted to or if he just took more effort because I asked him to.

That month that he wanted me, I still feel like it wasn't me that he wanted, but her, or them. Why complain if he gave me what I asked for? It wasn't in his eyes. I want him to want me the way that he did that month, and I want to want him the way I did that month. The problem for me is that the thing that turned me on the most that month was that I thought he was finally keeping no secrets from me, and that doesn't exist anymore and it never will again. There will ALWAYS be secrets and that turns me off.

11:20
Write to Precious

11:45- went to bed, woke up 7:00 am potty, then shower. Depression deep this morning. Stuck on the effort, or lack that he put... 7:20 moisturizer, got dressed 7:35 left for work ...into seducing me vs what it would have taken to seduce strangers 7:50 @ work 8:00 special k bar 10:25 break, eat a snack, fiber bar 10:35 teach 12:30 listened to nature sounds CD, relaxed, ate a honey bun 1:10 back to teaching 4:00 tootsie rolls and small milky way dark 4:15 home 6:35 1 hr prayer

Many days later... looks like logging everything I do sucks.
2/27/2010 1:35 pm left carl's jr. after eating a western bacon cheeseburger, a glass of water and one criss cut fry, with my handsome. 1:45 home, inspected counter to decide if we would change grout color, looked at the tile sealer to decide which to use. 1:50 pee 1:55 off to home depot, affirmation log while handsome drove 2:20 back home and entering activity log

Good Things...

A good therapist!

I love unconditionally.

AHHHH!

Well, my stupid ass husband still has an adultfriendfinder account, which he has recently visited and even paid for. This means that he has a secret e-mail address, too. I don't want to play this game anymore!!!

In the news...

I read an article today on Obama's reprimanding of the Republicans for holding things up. He accuses them of being petty and political. But he is ignoring the fact that is is their job to represent the people that elected them. He wants certain measures passed and if they are not then it is about politics and not beliefs. He needs to realize that if it comes to no action or bad action, we would prefer no action. Just because you got something done, doesn't mean that it was good.

Thankful

There is really so very much to be thankful for. I am learning that. To admit a fault, I am actually thankful for my husband, extremely. What brought me to that conclusion? I actually considered the possibility of leaving and trying to date other men. I gave it real and serious thought. I have realized that I am petrified of men. I have not made the greatest of choices and the odds of me finding another monster are pretty good. In my life, I've found men who have used and abused me, raped me, stalked me, and now shattered my heart. As I think about and look at the possibility of what I could find out there, I am actually drawn closer to my husband. He really is a good man who just made a mistake. A rather gigantic mistake, but just a mistake. He is not a bad man and I have never thought of him as so. So I am thankful for him and the love that he has for me.

And I am thankful for my ability to express my emotions. I work all day with children who don't know how to say what they feel and have no other option but tantrums.

1/31/10

Woke up early this morning. Woke up before Handsome, which is unusual for any day, let alone a Sunday. Did my 30 minute Wii workout. I'm getting stronger, but not any lighter. Doesn't matter. I'm not really trying to lose weight, just fix my brain chemistry and keep my heart healthy.

By the time I was finished, he had gotten up and showered. I went upstairs to do the same. I was wearing my flannel pajama top and a pair of his boxers. He threw me on the bed and planted a passionate kiss on me. It was wonderful.

Took a shower and got dressed. Went downstairs and was surprised that he wanted to eat breakfast at home again. Unusual for a weekend, but at least I'd get to eat something healthy.

We headed down to the harbor to install some lights on the swimstep. This was actually a fun project for Handsome, one just cause he could play with wires. At least on obligatory stop at the hardware store on the way.

Once he got it mostly run, I had to crawl in the bilge and tack up the wires where he couldn't reach. While he was finishing up, M and C came by with the kids. We talked for a little while. C is moving to gen ed after 15 years of special ed. I'm a little jealous, but she's earned it.

A little call of "son of a bitch" and they were quickly off. Handsome has a colorful vocabulary when he's working on a project.

While he finished up, I ran to Del Taco and grabbed lunch. We ate and called JB. Sad to hear that he is moving, but his wife won't have to work. That's nice for her.

It's a beautiful, sunny day with just a little chill in the air. I'm going to go enjoy the sun.

Facing Fears

It's not a fear of abandonment. I can handle him leaving. It's a fear which has been proven true, the fear of being stupid, weak, and used. Of living a life that is not real, but is just lies.

compatible?

We've been together 13 1/2 years. Of that, I've been going to counseling for 8, which means we've been miserably unhappy for at least 9 years, if not more. Things have only gotten worse over time and it doesn't look as though we will be happy, really happy, still for a while. Perhaps his affairs are just a reflection of the fact that we are not meant for each other. He used to talk about how heloved his first wife, they just couldn't live with each other. Maybe it's the same with us?

Thankful

I am thankful for my Precious and for internet... although it was an avenue for my husband to be a cheating bastard, it helps keep me organized.

1/28/2010

Journal reflection- March 19, 2004

O lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on YOur Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.

Have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9


I read this at a crazy time in my life. When hasn't been a crazy time? Although my life is far more simple than a giant number of people, it seems it has been crazy to me. I was working full time, going to school full time for my credential, home schooling Precious, and still responsible for everything in the house- the bills, the groceries, dinner, cleaning everything. I needed this connection with God and sought Him out for support. Apparently I will always need him for support. I guess I can see now how easy it was for the ones wandering in the desert with Moses to forget who saved them. I felt distant from my husband, like he had shut me out and I was a huge disappointment even as I struggled to get him the things that he wanted. We enjoyed the boat and he spent a lot of his free time on the Trophy, taking it out before or after work.

This Epistle reading has struck me today as I read it in the circumstance that I am in now. I am trying to move on in my life, but I just don't know if I want to stay still. Repay evil with a blessing? Is that God's way of telling me that even though my husband doesn't trust me or believe me, even though I am not the one who screwed around, it is my place to take the higher ground. I just have so little respect for myself.

Today is a work day. I've got a sub and I can get out for a while. I needed a day by myself. I hope the kids are doing well, but I don't really want to check in.

Thankful

I am thankful for potatoes... and cheese. : D

Thankful

I am thankful that my husband has become a nicer person.


I just wish it hadn't had to cost me so much to get there.

Yummmm

The next time you want to complain about your sex life, remember last night. He was attentive and amazing.

I wish he was as obsessed with me as he was with cheating on me.

I wish that he could trust me as much as he trusted her, but I realize that is a gift that will never, ever happen.

The perfect storm

Unusually strong winds are hitting us here. Worried about a leak in the boat, we decided to go down to the harbor and check on the boat. The drive was a little tense with the traffic and the driving rain. We went to get a little snack, but pulled over on the way. There was a waterfall right there in the harbor. Maybe not romantic, as it was runoff, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He jumped out of the car to get a picture. I thought about following, but hesitated. After a minute, though, the rain and the fall were too tempting. I jumped out and the rain felt wonderful. I was happy.

We finally decided to go. He needed to get something to eat. After our snack, it was back to the boat. Pulled into the parking lot and there was a little puddle outside the door of the car. Of course, the rain was driving harder than it had all day, right at the point that we had to run to the boat through the rain. And that's just what we did. As we ran through the rain, I couldn't help but say to him that this was how some of my favorite fantasies began, two lovers running through the rain, caught off guard.

I jumped up on the boat over the safety lines and dropped them so he could get over them. I scrambled to get the lock off and take the door pieces off, while it just seemed to rain harder and harder. Finally got inside and pulled off my coat so that I could move around better. He stayed in the cockpit.

I looked around a little, expecting he would come down in just a second. Found the front hatch was fine, but there was a little leak on the port side of the boat, where we had already fixed, or thought we had fixed, the leak. I wasn't too bad, though. I pulled the cushions off the settee so that they wouldn't soak up any water that might leak down. As I checked a few more places, the rain really started to come down. I crawled back into the aft cabin to check and make sure the berth was staying dry.



When I came back out of the stateroom, he had come down into the stairs, but he was drenched. Soaking wet to the core. It was raining so hard, there was no way we could go out in the rain again. I suggested he should get out of his wet clothes. I keep a change of clothes for both of us in the locker.

acknowlegement

I have to just acknowledge to myself that even though I've chosen to forgive my husband, I am always going to wish that he believed in me and respected me enough to tell me the truth, the entire truth. But I also wish that $1,000,000,000 would fall in my lap. I need to just accept that the one is about as likely to happen as the other. My husand just doesn't trust me, and probably never will.

I wish...

I wish that I had been worthy of all the dirty porn he sent to his girlfriends. It might have been nice if he had wanted to turn me on, too, or instead of them.

Thankful

I am thankful for this blog... and TV's ... and the internet. It has been my one refuge when I needed some kind of answer, even if I couldn't get the answers that I wanted from the sources that I wanted.

1/20/2010

What's up today? Just another day. Of course, I feel terrible, but I'm doing my best to pretend I feel fine. Nothing I am able to do about anything. I am just counting the days until the next dr. visit. I have three issues that are eating up at me- not forgiving myself, feeling very undesirable, and seeing that he is basically a dishonest man that feels that if a person can find a way to get away with something, anything, they should go ahead and do it. He can justify anything. This is so dichotomous to who I am, I think it will destroy anything we have left together. I am certainly not going to become a more dishonest person. That is part of the foundation of who I am. If there is anything left of who I ever was, that is all that is left. I am not going to give it up!

Got up early this morning and did some more yoga. Lost a pound, even with PMS. Maybe it will stay gone? My brain just feels weird and I am getting that "I just wish I could die" feeling back again. I am seriously contemplating meds again... I just can't afford them right now. I am budgeted beyond my means and I can't squeeze out med money, too. I hate that I have allowed my life to be so screwed up. Nobody is to blame but me. What I have gotten, I have let happen, every step of the way.

Kids were a little more squirrelly today. Another day stuck in the rain and they are getting antsy. I love listening to the rain, though.

I am a little on edge. He is home today and I am not as trusting that he is behaving as I have been. Dr. says it will take 5 years before I can trust him again, if there is only 1 affair, which I don't believe there was. I believe there were many, in which case, I will never trust him again. Forgiving him doesn't mean believing him.

I am only happy when I am close to God. Any other time, I just want to disappear.

Thankful

As we redo the kitchen to make my husband happy, I am thankful that he knows how to most of the stuff himself. He is currently rerouting the water line for the refrigerator water, which would have cost a bundle to have a plumber do. But since he can do it, he can make himself happy with something new and not spending a lot of money. And I benefit, too- a happy husband and a nice kitchen.

jealous

I find myself jealous of her, and the others. He could spend an entire day talking to her, texting, e-mailing, and whatever else. We don't have a whole lot to talk about anymore. Okay, she was funny, which I will admit, I'm not. She was perverted, which I'm not. But we used to talk non stop. Is it just that we've talked ourselves out or is he just over me?

bucket

Let's say, hypothetically, that he's no longer able to have sex, which is not the case. I feel like he wasted the last of our sex life on strangers. Then again, he may not see it as a waste. He obviously enjoyed himself. Maybe he sees it as actually getting to enjoy his sex life rather than the mediocrity he gets with me. If it has to be over, at least he got to have fun?

1/18/10

Today is a pouring rain day. Pouring. I was going to get up early and go see LR and R, but I kept waking up every 10 minutes. I think I was nervous about driving in a downpour, but I'm not sure. So I ended up not going. I felt like a total flake.

We got up around 8. Handsome made breakfast. It reminded me of when we were dating and he would make egg sandwiches for me in the morning.

Then we spent the next couple of hours tearing the rest of the tile up in the kitchen and tore out one of the cabinets. He would come in from taking stuff to the dumpster soaked... It would make me smile. All my favorite fantasies start with rain and a soaking wet man.

When we finished, he decided we should go down to check on the boat to see if it was leaking. When we got there, we found a surprise... a waterfall right there in the harbor. We stopped to take some pictures.
It was beautiful, even if it was runoff.

Then to Taco Bell to take care of his insulin reaction and have lunch. Taco Bell was leaking. It made us both dread what we migh see when we got to our boat. Sent pix of the waterfall to some friends while we ate.

By the time we got to the boat it was pouring hard. We ran to the boat and my mind began to write its next story. Maybe we could run a dress rehearsal for some ideas. ;-D. I got the boat opened up and checked the front hatch. No leak, he sealed that up pretty good. Looking around I was dismayed to discover the port leak was still there. No fantasy come true today. Now I was bummed and he was pissed off.

We locked up and headed out. The waterfall had grown even larger and was spilling out over the grass. Took one last look and now we're on our way home again.

Maybe I'm too romantic for my own good. Seems like a perfectly good romance novel opportunity. I set myself up for disappointment by wanting things. But I'll just be happy that he's with me and pray that he's not thinking of someone else. It's going to rain all week...

memories

When he enjoyed the simple things, like feeding me a piece of cake in the kitchen of his apartment.

Thankful

I am thankful for the fireplace on this cold, rainy day.

new challenge

Now that I have come to the conclusion that I have no other choice than to forgive my husband and his paramours, it seems that I have one more task left. I decided I was too stupid and weak to leave him, "I love him". I sound like a whiny Maury guest. I am never going to get what I have asked from him and her, so why keep beating my head against the wall? There's nothing I can do to make any of them become honest people of integrity.

Now here is the part that I am dealing with now... the forgiving of myself. What for? For being stupid, gullible, weak, ignorant, blind, untrustworthy, not respectable, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on, the kind of person that it was possible to cheat on again and again and still sticks around for more. I used to pride myself on how smart I was... he's proven that wrong. I used to think myself as strong... again, he's shown that's not true. I used to think I was inherently an honest person, and yet I lied to myself day after day for more than four years. I used to think I was sexy and desirable, but he has no passion or desire for me. We have sex, but there's no fire, and it isn't very often, hasn't been for a long time. It's like he used it all up on the strangers and girlfriends and now all his passion and foreplay is gone.

This challenge has always been there, but now in moving my anger for him and them out of my way, I am left with my anger at myself. I have to learn to forgive myself and I feel that this will be the most difficult task of them all.

Thankful

I am thankful that is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend!!!!!!!

Thankful

I almost feel guilty as I watch the news in Haiti. There is a list of a million things to be thankful for in light of the tragedy that exists this week. My heart and prayers go to the people who are suffering.

afraid

He said to me when we were dating that he hated that his wife had lied. "If you can lie about something little, you can lie about something big." He proved that so well. He has lied to me about many things, not just his affairs. I am afraid that being dishonest is just a part of who he is. And I don't think I can live with that.

thankful

I am thankful that he wanted to make me a part of a fantasy, and be mine.

thankful

Today I am thankful for a great counselor. I could have been unlucky and found someone who really didn't help at all, or even made things worse.

Thankful...

I am thankful today that my Precious is safe and not seriously injured. She was sparring with a friend and got knocked in the head a few times. She ended up with a concussion. I'm glad that she is going to be okay!

today's thanks

Today I am thankful for the good memories I was able to recall.

I remembered being out in the ocean with the dolphin...

Playing video games with Precious and Handsome...


1/3/10
I know this is going to sound very odd given what I've written in the past, but I find myself grateful for my husband's hurtful behavior. It's not that I ever thought I was the best person in the world. I always wondered why he didn't leave me. He did a really good job of making me feel inadequate. But this event has helped me to see that I am not so special and totally replacable. I joke with my brother that there is nothing like your husband cheating on you to wipe out any pride you may be harboring.

And my inability to let go and forgive, obsessing on what he did to me has made me see how weak I am. That and my inability to leave my husband when I absolutely think I should. My inability to control my very thoughts has shown me how much I truly need God in my life. He is my strength.

Would I have ever reached this realization had my husband not done smething entirely selfish and idiotic. At the moment, I am grateful for my broken heart. It appears God is always going to use my husband to bring me closer to Him. Whether it be in joy or sorrow, my husband is my path to God.

News...

Yahoo Headline... Tiger loses another sponsor.

I can't help but smile as his life goes down before the eyes of the whole world. That's evil of me, I know. And how contradictory of me is it to wish this man destruction, while I see my husband as just plain stupid and try to put my life back together with him.

I see her beating the shit out of her husband and call her my hero. She was able to act in a way that I wish that I could have, but I became paralyzed. I wish that I had had the presence of mind to wail on my husband. Maybe if I had actually reacted in a different manner, he might have had the respect to stop. Instead, he only saw that he could do what he wanted and it didn't matter if it hurt me. I was too weak and idiotic to do anything about it.

I still am. Here I sit having made the decision to forgive him; too afraid to live my life without him. It's the "Christian" thing to do, right? Sometimes I get damn tired of doing the "right" thing. But I don't think I know how to do any differently, for better or worse.

Recalling good things...

How sad is this, I can't think of one totally good, untarnished moment in our life together. Maybe I should give up.

Good things about me- I'm a good teacher.

Thankful...

What can I be thankful for on this second to last day of 2009? Oh I know! That 2009 is almost over. It has been by far the absolute worst year of my life. I will never, ever be naive enough to say that next year couldn't possibly be worse. I said that last year and boy was I proven wrong. I suppose I am just grateful that I am alive, healthy and still have my things and my job. I couldn't possibly imaging a worse year than this, but I am sure that there is someone or something out there ready to prove me wrong and finally push me over the brink of sanity.

I know it is awful to wish your life away, but thank God this year is over!

Fear

I've been thinking about our marriage a lot today. I so much want to be happy, but I've been realizing that we have never been happy together. I've been going to therapy for 9 years to try to make our marriage better and it just gets worse and worse.

I feel like a blowup doll, a disposable accessory in his life and truth be told I've felt that way for a long time... a very long time. I still feel that way. His priorities are supposed to be mine and whatever I might want is secondary. I am not a priority in his life. He doesn't want me any more, I mean really want me.

I learned today that I am extremely afraid of wanting him again and just being rejected again. The feeling started long before his affair and was just magnified by his infidelities.

I shouldn't have to ask him to want me. He's shown me before what it is like when he does, or maybe I was just the body for his fantasies of other people. If I I have to tell him how to want me, he's not really wanting me.

Perhaps that's what it all comes down to. I am just afraid of being rejected for the 99th time. It started even before we were married. He's told me he wants a divorce at least twice a year for most of our lives, but he never says what he's unhappy with. Then he finally stopped saying he wanted a divorce but started fucking other people.

How am I supposed to trust him, to really open myself up to him again? I can't feel like this any more.

Responding to the News...

Headline on the Drudge Report talks about the issues of the new health care and whether or not the government should pay for any of them. Don't people know that the government pays for abortions now? Of course I disagree with any money of mine being used for that, but it's been going on forever.

One of the thoughts that it brings up is just the inability to define life left to the scientific community. It baffles me that scientists have a criteria for life that they intend to use on other planets, but they can't determine when a human is alive or not.

affirmation

I take care of me!

Monastery

Made a trip to the monastery yesterday. It was a two hour drive, but it was definitely worth it. I want to live my life in God's will, but this mess with my husband has kept me from truly being able to be close to Him. I spent the day with the sisters in prayer and talking with the Abbess. We talked about forgiveness and reconciliation. We talked about how to pray with purpose. She reminded me that I needed to go to confession. "Scrub your conscience clean". It is hard to see the faults of others when we are focused on our own unworthiness. It is also easier to be merciful when we see that we are in need of mercy as well.

Thankful...

Thankful for 70 degree weather in December!

Thankful

Thankful for a good day at work today. All the kids behaved well!

Thankful...

I am having a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for today. After my last post about having a divorced frame of mind made me be here because I want to be, I had some really good days. Then I had some not so great days. I feel undesirable, unwanted, and rejected. Not just over the affair, but our life together. It's not a new feeling. It's how I've felt for years and it is only complicated by the fact that he was willing and able to give another person the kind of attention that I crave. It makes me feel as though we just aren't meant to be together. He's comfortable with me, but I certainly don't feel wanted by him. I'm sure he feels the same way about me, but I can only try to seduce him and get turned down so many times before I give up. He's always upset about something. How's a person supposed to reduce their stress level when somebody's always bitching about every little thing. All I want to do is sleep. He dealt with his depression by sleeping, too... with someone else. I've thought about that option, too, but all I can think about is all of the predators that are out there that I don't have the capacity at this point to recognize. Besides, who would want this frowny face anyway?

I used to be the kind of person whose base layer was always happy. No matter how hard or sad my life was, I always had this foundation of joy. Now my foundation is misery and I hate it. I hate that he has made me this way. It is said that it's a choice, but it's not.

So what am I thankful for? The fireplace!

Thankful

Thankful today that I have the capacity to express my feelings. One of my first students could barely communicate at all. I am grateful that I have found this outlet of writing, even if it does suck. It has been very helpful in keeping the tiniest portion of my sanity still intact.

divorce

Today I had another thought. What if I were to go ahead and divorce him. Dr. said that he didn't think I should take leaving out as an option, I should always stay because I want to be here, not because I have to. So what if I did divorce him. What if I divided up all the assets and bills and made it so that I could walk out the door at a moment's notice and never even have to turn around. Then he would owe me nothing and I would be responsible for nothing of his. We would both be here just because we want to be. He wouldn't have to explain the shit he put me through because it wouldn't matter anymore. I wouldn't be his wife. I'd just be a roommate and girlfriend. Hell, that's what I've already been for the last four years, might as well make it official. I could leave anytime I wanted and he could tell me he didn't want me at any moment and that would be it. Obviously there is not any commitment in this marriage already. He's already left and cheated and I spend everyday thinking I should get a divorce. So if we do, I would know that I am absolutely here each day because I want to be and he wants me to be. Don't get me wrong, I am not staying because I have to. I could divorce and leave if my heart would make up its mind. I just think by doing the business end, it takes my head out of the equation and my heart can do what it wants. If I have a day where I feel like loving, I can love. If I feel like hating and living on the boat for a week, there's nothing to stop me. I would owe him nothing. For once in my life, I could be the selfish one.

scrapbook

Since Handsome doesn't remember anything at all about our life and I only remember the bad stuff, I thought I would start some scrapbook memories of the good stuff. That way, if I make it another 50 years with this man, I'll actually have something positive to tell people, maybe even grandkids...


Taking out the old 1980's upper kitchen cabinets. Making room for the old...


12/6/09
bmindful.com- affirmation log

I am patient.

Today's thanks...

Today I will focus on just today. The whole "be in the now" concept.

What can I be thankful for today? It's Friday!!

I went to dinner with a friend yesterday that I met during summer school. She was the aide in my class and got to hear the little pieces of my broken life. We ended up making a connection. I am making efforts now in my life when I make a connection to keep that connection. I am grateful for her friendship. We talked about our work. I haven't seen her since July. And we talked about our husbands. She was supportive to me in the summer when we talked and hinted at things that were in her marriage, but it wasn't until yesterday that she told me that her husband had had affairs as well. It was nice to have someone to talk to who understood exactly how I feel.

Everything that I deal with she is dealing with as well. The random thoughts. Do I want to know or don't I? Do I really want to stay? Being angry with God because He won't just make me all better. Feeling like staying is the wrong thing to do, but being able to bring ourselves to leave. Wanting to do God's will in our marriages, but having no clue what that is- stay or go. He tells us he doesn't want us to leave, but leaves the door wide open for us to go!

So even though I am so sorry that she is in the same hell that I am, it's nice to not be alone in the fire. I am grateful that she wants my friendship and she isn't just another person who has come and gone in my world.

post therapy

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last two weeks. It seems like I do a lot of thinking. Today, I'm on a more positive upswing. I asked myself if I would like my husband, love him, enjoy him, if he had never cheated. If we could take this horrible thing out of our lives and erase it, would I want to be with him? I have spent so much time thinking about whether or not I can live with what he did that I stopped thinking about him. I haven't stopped loving him or enjoying his company. The only barrier to us being truly happy is my broken heart.

I've been trying to decide if I should just stop thinking about whether or not I should stay. I feel like as long as I leave the door open to give up, it makes it easier to do just that. What if I closed the door on leaving? Dr. says not so good an idea because then I will feel more like I am stuck.

I suppose the truth is that I don't want to give up what could be. Maybe it never will be, but if I leave, it never can be. How can I say that I believe God can heal anything and not even give him the chance? Do I really have faith in Him or do I only have faith in what I can do myself?

I still hate that he has done this to me. I still don't know if I can ever forgive him. I'll be 80 years old and someone will ask me about our lives and I will be very reluctant to tell our story. It's not beautiful anymore. Our marriage is more like a Picasso than a Degas. Far more abstract, needing a special eye to appreciate. Maybe someday it will be a priceless masterpiece. Maybe after I'm dead and gone someone will appreciate our story.

admit that something scares you...

I am afraid. I am afraid that this will never go away. I am afraid that it is not possible to forgive and that I have to leave my husband. It's not fair that he put me in this position. He wasn't the only one that felt that we didn't have a perfect marriage. I tried to make it work. I went to counseling, not him. I didn't give up on us. He did. I don't care how horrible he may think I was to him, I didn't deserve what he did. I have always been able to forgive everyone everything. If I can't forgive this, what does that say about me? My faith?

Thankful...

I am thankful that I seem to be getting my voice back. I realized that my 16 year old self would absolutely hate me because I have given up on every single dream I ever had, or had it taken from me. So I am playing with my voice and seeing what I can do with it.

After about 2 months of lessons, the cobwebs seem to be shaking off. I am regaining some of my range back and am starting to like what I hear again. I am even playing with the idea of performing again. It has been so long since I have been in front of an audience. I was young and stupid then. Now I'm just stupid.

We're talking about recording. I am totally nervous. I haven't recorded my voice in nearly 20 years, and then I was only back up.

The hardest part is choosing a song that means something to me. All the love songs mean shit to me. I find that I am often too mad at God for the Christian choices. And the "Hit the Road Jack" songs don't apply either, cause I'm still here.

I thought about "My Tribute", but I was having some difficulty thinking of "the things He has done for me". Then I realized, He has given me so much, even in this hell I live in. He has been here for me, faithfully. He died for my sins, which are plenty. He has given me gifts that allow me to sing and to care for children that most would not have the patience for. Even when I abandoned Him, he never left my side, even if I felt He had.

I have always started with that song at every new church that I've sung at. Maybe I should start there again. Especially as I sit thinking about my gratitude log...