Well, today is a new day. After visiting with the doctor yesterday to go over all my test results, I have to drastically change my diet. No more dairy products and no more sugar! Considering I live on cereal and chocolate, this is going to be a huge change. But I can't wait to feel better. There are a few supplements I have to add in to get my B levels up. Every vitamin B I could need, I am deficient. Hence the depression and fatigue and lack of brain power.
Things with Handsome are going well. He is very attentive. I am still hesitant. He's been good to me before. You never know what lies hidden in the shadows.
Had my observation today at work, too. I think it went well. We will see.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Long time...
Wow, it has been a long time since I have written anything. Many things are different and many things are still the same.
I woke up this morning in a new house. We moved, yes, the whole family, in December. We just moved next door. An opportunity came up that the rent on the 3 bedroom next door was $1000 less than what we were paying on the condo. I was tired of struggling to buy food and we decided that moving would be the best decision. I must confess, at the time, I was thinking it would make the divorce a lot more simple if there were no assets to be divided.
We spent 3 months and $2500 fixing the place so that it is livable. We have all 3 enjoyed the new place immensely. We left, for the most part, the bad memories we all had in the old place.
I still have my moments of severe doubt, but Handsome and I seem to be doing okay. He has calmed down so much. I know I've said this before, but I think, just maybe, he may have finally managed to evict the demons that have taken over his brain.
My trip around the country was awesome and I think it really hit home to him what it would be like to not have me with him. I am still far from over it all. 8 years + of betrayal is hard to erase in only a year, but we're working at it.
I still don't feel any love towards him, or any other person, in my heart. But my brain feels the love. It is a weird sensation.
My job is still amazing and the staff here are happy to have me. I really enjoy my job. Wish it were a little later in the day, sometimes, though.
I am preparing for the biggest audition ever in my life. A last minute decision to sign up to audition for the Voice on Saturday has me scrambling to try to learn 2 songs and make theme amazing. What's the worst that could happen? "Thank you" is all I hear? I think I'll survive and try again another time.
And of course, my Handsome has managed to land himself under investigation again. So much for promoting. I think the department did it on purpose so that they have an excuse to keep him down. They so much do not know what they are missing. Then again, they are too stupid to care. If he stays any longer than he has to in order to retire, I may just throw the most ginormous fit ever. That place has been poison to our souls.
At least he gets the day to work on my boat... another divorce escape that I have pushed us into, but it is nice.
Anyway, better go do some work!
I woke up this morning in a new house. We moved, yes, the whole family, in December. We just moved next door. An opportunity came up that the rent on the 3 bedroom next door was $1000 less than what we were paying on the condo. I was tired of struggling to buy food and we decided that moving would be the best decision. I must confess, at the time, I was thinking it would make the divorce a lot more simple if there were no assets to be divided.
We spent 3 months and $2500 fixing the place so that it is livable. We have all 3 enjoyed the new place immensely. We left, for the most part, the bad memories we all had in the old place.
I still have my moments of severe doubt, but Handsome and I seem to be doing okay. He has calmed down so much. I know I've said this before, but I think, just maybe, he may have finally managed to evict the demons that have taken over his brain.
My trip around the country was awesome and I think it really hit home to him what it would be like to not have me with him. I am still far from over it all. 8 years + of betrayal is hard to erase in only a year, but we're working at it.
I still don't feel any love towards him, or any other person, in my heart. But my brain feels the love. It is a weird sensation.
My job is still amazing and the staff here are happy to have me. I really enjoy my job. Wish it were a little later in the day, sometimes, though.
I am preparing for the biggest audition ever in my life. A last minute decision to sign up to audition for the Voice on Saturday has me scrambling to try to learn 2 songs and make theme amazing. What's the worst that could happen? "Thank you" is all I hear? I think I'll survive and try again another time.
And of course, my Handsome has managed to land himself under investigation again. So much for promoting. I think the department did it on purpose so that they have an excuse to keep him down. They so much do not know what they are missing. Then again, they are too stupid to care. If he stays any longer than he has to in order to retire, I may just throw the most ginormous fit ever. That place has been poison to our souls.
At least he gets the day to work on my boat... another divorce escape that I have pushed us into, but it is nice.
Anyway, better go do some work!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
activity log 03/20/2011
7:00 PM sitting on the couch watching SNL with my Handsome playing footsie. Rainy day.
Not really upset about anything today.
7:10 Here's some of the boring stuff. Gonna go brush my teeth!
Not really upset about anything today.
7:10 Here's some of the boring stuff. Gonna go brush my teeth!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Autobiography
36 on Monday. Now what? At this point in my life, it feels as though I have taken for granted a million experiences and just simply existed from moment to moment in my life. I don't know that I feel any particular connection to anything in my life. I wonder if that is a function of who I have become or if it is a deeper, chemical disconnection. How do I make each moment in my life feel as though it is a moment of meaning and purpose?
If life is meant to make us long for God and his world, then at this stage in my life he has succeeded. I would welcome the coming of Christ with open arms and tears of joy. My only hesitation would be not knowing where my daughter lies in the realm of God's salvation. I wish I knew her better, but I just can't seem to find some way into who she is. That seems to be the story with everyone in my life. I know the people in my life very well, but somehow they still keep who they are a secret from me. Perhaps this is where my sense of disconnection stems. My daughter, my husband, my brother, all those around me, they hide themselves from me. I don't know that it is due to their own insecurities or if it is reflective of my own trustworthiness. I only know that I long for this more than anything... a true connection with someone at their very soul.
But how do you determine who you are? Where does who you are begin? Does it begin when you become conscience of the world? At birth? With your parents' lives before you even exist? Perhaps that's where it begins, as they are the ones that make you who you are, for better or for worse.
...
Dad's draft number was 18. Mom and Dad had only been married for a few months when it arrived. He knew he would end up in infantry since he was a mechanic, but he decided to take steps to prevent that if he could. He tried to join the Air Force, but was told he would be drafted before he could be processed. So he enlisted, but into airborne. Off he went to Basic, where he graduated top of his class. By the time he was sent to Vietnam, he was an E4. Mom moved back with Grandma and Grandpa while Dad was gone. It was a tough year for each of them in obviously different ways, but they made it through.
When Dad came home, he was anxious to expand his family. Mom was hesitant. She had helped to raise all her sisters and wasn't sure she wanted to have kids. But she did it for Dad.
They tried for a while, but eventually I was made. The pregnancy wasn't an easy one, if any can be. Mom's blood pressure went up dangerously. The hospital at the base had lost several babies to going over term, so when mom's blood pressure got too high for the doctors' comfort, they decided to induce labor. They thought I was overdue, but mom didn't seem to think so.
The labor was long and dangerous. Mom says she remembers rolling on the cart watching the lights above her. She was fairly medicated. The birth took more than a day. At some point I stopped mid birth, right in mom's pelvic area. Just stopped. The jokes are two fold. One that there was too much light for me. The drugs in my mom's system had slowed me down and I just wanted to stay in the dark and sleep. The other, that I was waiting for a large enough audience. There ended up being several teams standing by in case they had to cut through mom's pelvis to get me. Things got so scary, my dad was actually asked to formally decide who would be the priority if they thought they could only save one of us. He chose mom. She was the love of his life, how could he let her go?
I was breech and then I went back. The doctor's turned me around and pulled me out with forceps, in the process, breaking mom's tail bone. So to this day, she has a difficult time sitting very long. I guess I should take the clue that living in this world would not be easy.
That being said, my life really was never very difficult, except for that which I made difficult myself. Many friends have compared our life to Leave It To Beaver and other sitcoms where everything always turned out okay in 30 minutes.
Shortly after I arrived, it was off to Germany. Dad went first and then we followed. I have little, if any recollection of our life in Germany. What I do remember is only from stories, except for one dream I had from the balcony of our apartment in Frankfurt. That's all I remember is the balcony and the sidewalk in front of it.
Family
I suppose in order to better understand my life, I feel I should explore who my family are a little as they are a big part of who I've become. Dad was born in Los Angeles, at the time, the youngest of 5 boys. They lived near 51st and Western, an area that we probably couldn't safely visit now. By the time he was 2, though, they had left and moved back to where his parents had lived before there were children, Colorado. His brother just before him had died of meningitis and Grandma couldn't deal with being where she had lost him. By then, he also had a baby sister.
They were not well off, but they did okay. Dad decribes Grandpa as being a man of his word. If he made a promise, you can bet on it being kept. He hasn't talked of Grandma much as she was when he was a kid. Just that he liked to bring her dandelions, which became her favorite flower.
He liked to go ice skating on the frozen ponds. When he was about 6 years old, two more of his older brothers drowned in the river. He tells how he had wanted to go with them and they wouldn't take him. One of them struggled and the other drowned trying to save the first. Even after 20 years in the army, my dad never really became the greatest of swimmers.
Tragedy struck again when he was 9. My grandfather died of a heart attack in his sleep. Grandma said he was reading Shakespeare at the time. He loved Shakespeare. I can't remember what his occupation was at the time. He had been a gold miner and served in WWII in the Pacific Theater, but I'm not sure what he did then.
So all that was left was Grandma, Dad, his oldest brother and his baby sister. Such loss at such a young age. Life was not easy for them. They lived on Social Security checks and what Grandma could make as a waitress and a cook. As the boys got older, they started taking jobs to help. Dad started with a paper route, as most boys did up until this generation. Later, he began working at a gas station and also on farms. I've seen pictures of him lifting bales of hay. He was a strong boy. No wonder mom finally fell for him.
Mom's story isn't so tragic, but still not easy. She was born on a farm in Nebraska, first daughter with two older brothers. At around 4 years old, Grandma and Grandpa packed up 2 boys and 3 girls into a 1941 Chevy and headed for Colorado. Grandpa would be a miner and they would all live in a town so small I am surprised they called it a town. It consisted of three houses and a school house. The school was two rooms. Mom and her brothers were in one class. I used to wonder how the teacher managed such a range of students, but now I am learning.
It was freezing cold during the winter and they didn't have indoor plumbing until she was 12 years old. Her oldest brother died of a heart attack when he was 13, she was 10. After he died, the family didn't handle it very well and they moved into town. Grandma had befriended a pastor in town and the family started going to church. This was a pivotal place in all of our lives. My mom and her 6 siblings ended up being raised in the church and became very godly people. Something that I don't know would have happened had my uncle not died.
Mom wasn't great in school. It was boring to her and she barely squeaked out. They never really had very much money, but they were happy. Mom did a lot of chores, being the oldest. She doesn't have the greatest of memories about her mother, but many about her siblings.
She had known Dad since she had moved into town. They didn't get along very well at first. But many years later, they manage to find that they loved each other. They were married at 19 years old. They moved to a big city where Dad would get his automotive mechanic license. Mom left her job working at a law firm to go with Dad.
Soon, their world would change. Dad received his draft card... 18. He knew he would end up infantry with his training. His brother had been a lieutenant in infantry and he already knew the nightmares. So, he went in to enlist in the Air Force. They wouldn't take him. They told him by the time they processed him in, the Army would have already pulled him. So he went off to the Army and enlisted in the Airborne unit. He became a helicopter mechanic.
He graduated top of his class every time they sent him to training. Before he left for war, he was already an E4 and not long until he was a crew chief and door gunner. He was in one of those lovely units that was meant to save those who got themselves into trouble. So it was either total boredom or total action. If he was going in, it was usually into deep shit. My dad earned a distinguished cross. They were flying in to remove some troops and the helicopter below was hit. It was on flames and the pilot was stuck in his harness. Dad climbed down a rope ladder, still not sure how he avoided the rotors, and cut the pilot out. He was a pretty brave man. His helicopter was shot down a few times, once injuring his back.
We moved to Texas when I was almost 5. The only thing I remember of our first house on 19th street was the wrought iron on the front porch and walking on the rolled up carpet the day that we were moving out to our new house... the one mom and dad bought and are living in again today. Many of our nights were filled with walks around the neighborhood, through most of my childhood we went on family walks almost every night it was possible. We were actually on a walk the night that Stinker came along.
...
My little brother was my little baby. I took care of him like my own living, breathing doll. I loved him so very much, despite the fact that he wasn't a sister. I took him everywhere I went, and did everything that I did for him, too. I even took him to school in kindergarten for my show and tell (well, mom brought him). I loved being a little mommy and helped my mom out as much as I could. We had a little red wagon. I would pack it full of pillows and toys and blankets and stick my brother in it and we would go for little walks around the block. I didn't handle him growing up very well, though. He was a little spoiled and after a while, I think that I may have resented him a little.
He often did the normal things that little siblings would do, like taking things out of my room. But when I would retrieve the items, or talk with my mom about it, if a disagreement ensued, frequently I was told "I was older, I should know better." This was the beginning of my training in letting the things that I wanted go for those who were too immature to understand their inappropriate actions. A skill I have become well versed in, to my own detriment.
When Stinker was about 2, Dad found out that someone had "volunteered" him for Korea. A year away when mom and dad weren't actually doing real well with their marriage. Of course, I didn't know that then, but found out many years later. This was the only time I ever saw my dad drunk. He was furious and totally gone. It was also the only time I've seen my dad cry, really cry. At some point in the evening, he managed to punch a hole in the wall in the hallway. My parents left that hole there, just covering it up with a picture, as a reminder of what happens when you lose your temper. They didn't fix it until we had to move to Germany 6 years later.
That year that Dad was gone was hard. Mom got a job working at the church daycare. She liked it and my brother and I could go with her. My mom is a natural with kids. If God gives the gift of caregiving, my mom has it. We lived on steak fingers, macaroni and cheese, and hot dogs.
With Christmas being here, we were just talking about Christmas Eve that year, my mom and I. Mom bought Stinker a Big Wheel and then she had to put it together. I was past the Santa phase of my life, so she would come and get me to help her put a part together. My mom learned to be very independent that year and the dynamics of our family changed a bit when Dad returned.
We made cassette tapes and sent them to my dad. I never really knew if he enjoyed them or not. My Dad is so very quiet about what goes on inside of him. His emotions are always under control; he is always under control.
...
GT
...
Ronnie
We moved to Germany in sixth grade. I was so nervous. This was the first time that I had moved in 8 years. The last time I had been so little it hadn't really phased me. My first day in class I looked over and there sat Ronnie. He was this ornery, mischievous boy that had always been in detention in Texas. Even though I knew he was naughty, it was nice to recognize someone. Our friendship grew to a love/hate relationship. He would pick on me, but by seventh grade, I found myself with an enormous crush on him. I'd never had a real crush before and this was the beginning of my making a fool for a boy, a habit which I still haven't stopped. We were on the swim team together during our seventh grade school year and spent a lot of time around each other and traveling. The week of Valentine's Day, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and it was a strange week. I barely saw him at all that week, as though being my boyfriend was not something he really wanted to do. For Valentine's, I bought him a box of chocolates... I was new at this. He hadn't gotten anything and decided that his gift to me would be my first kiss. I don't even remember what it was like, just that it happened. He quickly disappeared and a day or two later, broke up with me. I spent the better part of the next year trying to get his attention in one way or another, not always conscience of what I was doing. I didn't go out of my way, but I did take any opportunity that was available to make him jealous.
...
Ninth grade is perhaps the year of my life that I was the very happiest in all of the time in my life that I can remember. It was a fabulous year. I had one or two short, short relationships with boyfriends, but beyond that it was me and about 10 girls that just hung out and had fun. No broken hearts, crushes, but no need for a connection with boys. I had so much fun that year!
In that year, we were living in Germany. It was our third year and I knew I would be going back to the States at the end of the year. Science that year was run a little differently than a traditional Science class. Each student had an independent unit that they worked on for six weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed that class that year and I think the things that I learned that year stuck better than any other year. I also had the privilege of having the second highest grade in our algebra classes of all the school... seniors included. There is also one lowlight attached to that as a boy that I had a crush on pretended to like me so that I would help him with his math... He could've just asked, but 17 year olds are stupid. Then again, I think all men are stupid when it comes to women. Anyway, I was proud of my math accomplishment.
I had been taking ballet at the DODDC (Department of Defense Dependent Center), kind of like a military YMCA for several years. Being the oldest student, I kind of ended up the "star" of the recital that year. I danced with the littlest ones, and I had a solo en pointe in a dance from Giselle. My mom helped sew the costumes and I began to looked forward to a career in ballet, even though I was short.
Our musical for the year was "Guys and Dolls", and I wasn't allowed to audition for any of the singing parts, as my teacher was going to use my dance experience in the corps. I was so dissappointed, but I relished the opportunity to dance. And then it backfired... At some point she told me that I made everyone else look bad and ended up pulling me out of most of the dance routines.
The highlight of that year was a trip to the Soviet Union. Our school took the GT (gifted and talented) students for a week trip to the Soviet Union. This was April 1988, so it was right towards the end of the Soviet Union. We had to do research on the country and had a pen pal all year that we got to spend time with when we got there. Looking back at it, as a 9th grader, I did not live that experience to the fullest, but I got a lot out of it.
We stayed at a very nice hotel with a statue outside for the cosmonauts in Moscow. Our first night there, we had caviar in our dinner. My friends started calling me Mikey, because I would eat anything. They let me try everything first figuring if I didn't like it, then it must really be bad. The food was actually really good every where that we went.
I was taken back by how stark the landscape was. It was as if the entire country was stuck in a time warp 40 years before.
We visited Red Square where people were lined up for a mile to go through Lenin's tomb. We learned that people being married that day were allowed to go to the front of the line. We stood in line for hours to go through this thing. It was so weird seeing a corpse. He looked so plastic, which later in life I learned he pretty much was at that point. It was totally freaky and weird to me that people would stand in line for hours to see this man who had been such a tyrant. But I guess they didn't really know that.
We saw some of the attractions around Moscow, the largest bell never rang, the largest canon never shot. I think one of the most impacting experiences for me was visiting the churches. In the middle of Red Square, this icon of communism, stands three churches, face to face. I remember approaching the church of the Archangel Michael. The outside was plain and sparse like most all else I had seen in the country, but the inside, that was an entirely different story. The walls were covered with paintings of people. The guide explained that each of the paintings were prayers of different people. She talked about the lengths that people were willing to go to in order to be able to worship in this country. There were no pews. These people stand through the entire service, which is typically two hours or longer. This was the first seed planted in my heart for Orthodoxy.
We took the train to Ivanova and Tblisi. In Ivanova, we visited a school where students learned English. I was introduced to their version of the boy scouts and we traded American things for Russian things (gum for postcards). In Ivanova, I got to meet my pen pal and spent the day with them.
In Tbilisi, we saw a performance of Georgian dancing that just had me mesmerized. Whatever they were doing, the women seemed to float on the stage. From a dancer's perspective, it was inspiring.
The whole time that I was in Russia, I was struck by the sweetness of the people I met. I don't know what I had expected, but all of those that I met were so kind and gentle. Of course, they were hand picked to show a good example for us, but they were of such generous spirit. That has stuck with me.
Our trip back was simple. I slept most of the way home. I was chastised by friends when I got home because it turns out Scorpion was in line behind me and on our plane, and I failed to get their autograph. Hence the beginning of my being oblivious to celebrity. My one week in the Soviet Union changed the landscape of who I became, but it didn't really take root until much later in my life. The seed had to grow and the appreciation of the experience.
...
My First "Love"
We moved from Germany to California my sophomore year of high school. It was a difficult move for me. It took me a long time to make any friends and I spent a lot of time by myself. The one salvation for me, though, was Dance Company. I was surprised to learn that there was a dance class available for PE. I hated PE and was enrolled in the dance class. Despite my insistence, the counselor put me in the beginning dance class.
The first day of class we were asked to fill out a survey on our dance experience. I had been dancing since I was 5, so I had a lot to write. When I turned it in, the teacher asked my why I was in her class. I was confused and then she told me I needed to be in her other class, for more advanced dancers. So the counselor, mom and I sat down and shuffled my schedule around so that I could take the advanced dance class.
I loved this class. We had guest choreographers and learned a lot. This was the year I was introduced to modern dance. We worked on a tour and put together an entire show that we would take around part of the state.
Because of the schedule of the tour, we were not permitted to have any speaking roles in the musical that year. It was Fame! I was on the dance team, though, for the production. This was where I met him. He was on the cast. He was very tall, almost a foot taller than me. He had dark hair, was half Thai and was very cute. This was yet another restriction, though. My dance teacher had forbidden us from dating anyone on the cast until the show was over. But we flirted, boy did we flirt.
The show was great and we all had a lot of fun. Off I went to the first cast party at a friend's house. And the show was over, so all bets were off... so I thought. I can't remember how it quite started, but he and I ended up kissing the whole night.
Then the next week when we got back to school, I got in huge trouble. Turned out he was scheduled to go with us on the tour to keep the only boy on our tour company. I didn't know and now I had to put aside my new found feelings while we headed off to another city in a couple of vans.
This was an awesome trip, but the part about the boy sucked. He wasn't my "boyfriend" and I wasn't the only one who was interested in him. This was my first experience with jealousy. He was a typical boy and open to whatever came his way. A couple of the other girls on the team took advantage of my being in a different van than him and flirted to her heart's best. I nearly got sent home as I obsessed about this boy. I had never felt like this and really didn't know how to reel it in, but my dancing and singing was infinitely more important than him and I controlled myself.
One night, I heard the boys out in the pool at the hotel with a couple of girls and I quickly got myself out there. Soon, I found myself all alone in the pool with this guy who had managed to steal my attention, kissing and holding each other. I had kissed other boys before, and even been as far as 3rd base, but this was different. In restrospect, I can't remember what it was that was so very intriguing about him, but I was hooked.
Okay, so I've just stumbled across him... and seeing his face, I can remember. He was fun and charming. He was the cutest boy in school. He was editor of the yearbook, not that that is important, but it points to his creativity and interests. Looks like that really paid off for him. He was smart. I always like smart boys. I can't honestly say that I have loved a man yet, although my husband might finally become one.
He was funny and he opened my eyes to so many things... I just loved spending time with him. Life was interesting around him.
So story continued... When we got back from our trip, we kind of played around, but there was not commitment implied for some time. I don't really remember how we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess it just kind of happened. We were together all of the time. That summer, he worked at the base PX gas station and I was a nanny. We spent a lot of time together, a lot of time at amusement parks, going to Six Flags and the Boardwalk. I was falling in love. It was a brand new feeling, not just a crush, but a real feeling.
He was kind to me and we talked all the time. We had a very physical relationship, although I held out on the last thing for a while. I remember one afternoon in his bedroom, sheets all over the floor and "I Love Lucy" playing on the TV. Somehow the conversation came up about how he would give me anything, but there was something that I wish he would take from him. "What's that?" "My virginity..." Did I? Not just then. Wow, I was only 15 years old.
School started and things were still good. I would go over to his house a lot. His mom wasn't home a lot, as I remembered. But she was a good cook. Her spaghetti with octopus and shellfish was amazing! So we could basically do whatever we wanted, although we watched a lot of TV. That year was Twin Peaks, and he was obsessed with it. With all that free time and space, it's kind of strange that I finally decided to say yes in the back seat of his Corolla. I finally decided that I loved him and that I would do this for him, for us. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. It had just been my moral convictions that had held me back. It hurt and didn't last very long. That's about all I remember. The memory of this first time is clouded by the fact that just a week later, he broke up with me. Right before my 16th birthday. This began a series of get togethers and break ups that lasted 3 years.
He did still take me out for my birthday. Took me to the Chart House and I had shrimp for the first time. I fell in love, with the shrimp. He still didn't want to be my boyfriend, but we saw each other all the time at school. Since the Dance Company had been cut by state budget cuts, I had joined the drama class, so we saw each other every day. My junior year, his senior. It was a very crazy year for me. Emotionally and otherwise.
In the drama class, I explored a whole new piece of myself. I had always been a singer, dancer, GATE student, but this new realm of who I was, the actress, was interesting and exciting. It became something of my own and not just something I was following him into. Following him, though, has led to a lot of life changing experiences that I am still grateful for today.
We spent the year getting together and breaking up again. A new girl moved to town who was a lot more like him and he would usually vacillate between the two of us. Unlike my husband, at least he had the consideration to break up with me first. If I took him back later, that was my choice. He would do romantic things with her, like dance with her in the moonlight. Things he never did with me. I hated that. I was stupid and jealous, but I usually found other boys and friends to keep me company while he was off playing with someone else. Never had sex with them, though.
I could be manipulative, though, and it sucks that it would work. I remember one particular night that year. There was a movie coming out, I can't even remember what it was going to be, but I found out he and his friends were going. I convinced a GI friend of mine and another friend to go with me. As we stood in line, our other friend decided to bail. It was quite a line and she just wasn't into it. Of course, he was there. That was the plan. After the movie, he found me and asked if my date wouldn't mind if he took me home. He's not my date, just a friend. I feel bad for having used my friend, but I'm pretty sure he was aware. I was 16, he was a GI, my dad was a 1st sargeant. Nothing was going to happen there.
We sat in the parking lot for hours talking and of course, we got back together again. Mission accomplished. It seems as though I have spent my lifetime trying to gain the attention of boys who didn't want me. All for "love". I think I'm just crazy.
He took me to prom and that was going to be a "great" night. His best friend was going to take the other girl and we were going to double date. God, was a frickin' moron! She actually ended up not going, so it was a threesome. It was their senior prom. Can you imagine how I felt when I realized that I was the third wheel on my own date?
We went to a very nice restaurant on the cliffs. It was beautiful, but there was like no food on the plate. I felt bad that he spent so much money and we kind of went away hungry. But it was fun. We did make it to the prom, but we didn't stay long. Took our pictures, danced a little and then we left, all three of us. We ended up at the beach with a bonfire and eventually it was just him and me. Finally.
By the summer, we had broken up, again. I found out that he was going to do this apprenticeship at an outdoor theatre nearby. I can't remember if I asked him if he minded or if I just applied, but we both ended up there. I know I initially did it to spend time with him, but I got so much more out of it than that. I would not trade my experience at that theatre that summer for anything. It is even worth all the pain and heartache that I might have had because of him. Back then, God still cared what I did, I still went to church, and he used that boy to change my life, to give me experiences that would mold me into who I was meant to be. I wouldn't be able to see this for nearly 15 years, though.
Of course, we got back together again. That's what our roller coaster life was like. Then he was off to college. He didn't want to be tied down to a long distance relationship at college, so break up number I've lost count. But we talked all the time. He would call me, I would call him. I sent him sexy letters with fantasies, which I never really knew if he liked or not. We had a lot of phone sex.
But I was free. I spent a lot of time with some girl friends of mine. I spent a lot of time with all the other friends I had been avoiding because my life was consumed by the boy I "loved". I had so much fun my senior year. My experience with the apprenticeship introduced me to community theatre and special education classes. I spent my nights doing community theatre, my afternoons doing rehearsals for high school drama performances and competitions, my mornings as a TA in a special education class, Sundays in church and every other free moment with someone else. I don't think I stopped to breathe that year. But I had fun!
Sometimes, he would come home for the weekend or holidays, and we would spend time together. He had asked me earlier that year to get on the pill so we didn't have to use condoms any more. He'd send me the money. Not knowing who he was doing in college, and I agreed? This is the first bit of evidence as to how stupid I am and how I gullible I can be. Of course he was honest with me, he loved me, right? Who knows, maybe he was and my reflection has been tainted by my husband.
He came home to go to my prom with me. I had high anticipations of what our night would be like. I even rented a hotel room for the night. We were at the dance about the same amount of time as the last one, maybe less.
...
Ari
...
The Year of the Vampire
My Freshman year of college was a crazy year for me. It was my first adventure out completely on my own. I didn't miss my family at all that year. I was so busy and I could come and go as I pleased. My family life with my parents had been idyllic, so I wasn't running away from anything. I just enjoyed my independence immensely. My easy upbringing, however, I don't think really prepared me for what was in store in "real life". I was dancing many, many hours a day, going to class, staying up until the dawn broke. Ari had shown up at my dorm room on the first night of school. He asked me to go with him and his friends that night, and like an idiot, I did. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could have enough control over myself to stop something that I didn't want to happen, that our summer encounter wasn't a sign of my weakness. Now, almost 20 years later, I can see that weakness is a character pattern that I definitely have.
I was cast into one of the professor's pieces for the fall as an alternate, so I went to all the rehearsals and learned all the dances. I was so naive, I think I still am. I have always loved giving massages and ended up giving more massages before each practice/performance than I could count. Each person had an injury that required a little more attention and I would help them warm up that part of their body. I was always happy then, annoyingly so. This performance was about vampires. It was set to "Epistola Sanje". I remember having to do shoulder stands forever to represent hanging from the roof. It prompted my first visit to a chiropractor, my neck was so tweaked. I loved dancing, but I was never quite good enough to actually be put into the performance, but I had so much fun.
That year was also the year that the B rated movie "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" was filmed. I had signed up with a casting company and got to be an extra in the movie. I had a lot of fun doing the different shoots. I even got to meet Luke Perry, briefly, but I was too shy to interrupt the process to respond with anything other than "hi". The worst part about the whole experience was during the filming of the prom scene, I was about to be sent to wardrobe and be given a speaking role. Without rhyme or reason, I turned completely green right in front of the director. I didn't even realize what was about to happen, so I still can't say that it was nerves. I nearly passed out and not only did I miss out on an opportunity to speak a word or two on camera, I was sent home right away.
That was also the year that the movie "Bram Stoker's Dracula" came out. Sorry, but the movie might have been the actions of the book, but did not reflect the characters in the book at all. I was greatly disappointed.
...
Michael
...
New York
...
1996. I was almost done with college and tired of having to work at places where you couldn't say the word God. I decided to apply to work at the YMCA and work with kids. I loved kids and they loved me. The interview went very well and I was hired right away. I had to go get fingerprints and drug tested, but I started right away.
I was kind of living with an ex-boyfriend of mine at the time. I was hiding from someone who was threatening me and his house was a safe place away from this predator. I still had my own apartment, but I didn't go home very often. For some strange reason, although we were acting like a couple again, I refused to be his girlfriend again. I just didn't want to be attached anymore. This turned out to be fortuitous, as I met a really cute guy that I really enjoyed flirting with at the Y. I didn't expect it to turn into anything at all. He was just fun. He was one of the dads at the Y, divorced, cute and very sexy.
I loved working at the Y. The kids were all wonderful. I had so much fun with especially the younger ones. We played games and Uno became the daily ritual. There was a pool table in the one room, and we played often.
...
The wedding day
One year after our first kiss, we were getting ready to meet at the altar. Precious was so pretty. She had picked out a dress with a huge tulle skirt and I had asked my mother-in-law to do her hair. That was a hard day for her. She did really well and smiled throughout the service. She sat with his family during the service. When we got to the hotel for the reception, she was a little ornery while we were doing our couples photos, but then she was okay. I love her so much, and have for a very long time.
...
A fabulous month
February 2006. I had just come home from my weekend of heart break with my mom, living in a hotel, unsure of what would happen next. My husband opened up. The realization of what he almost threw away changed him. He talked about his problems, personally and we talked about our problems together. I gave in to him, against my better judgement, and we had a month of amazing sex. He was attentive and passionate. He wanted me all the time. It was almost as though we were dating again. We talked all the time and I felt so connected to him. I was willing to accept the affair because it seemed as though it had finally brought back the man that I had married.
Then the phone bill came and everything changed. He hadn't stopped talking to her, not for a single second. He would weep and cry to me about how sorry he was and then send her text messages. He would tell me he had ended it and then send her a slew of texts. As I had been with my mother, he had alternated his text messages between me and her. We would have sex and while I was taking a shower, he would be texting her. When we went out to dinner on a romantic date, he would text her when I went to the bathroom. I felt, and still do, as though I were just the blow up doll he had glued her face on to. He had weeped, in my opinion, not because he thought he would have to give me up, but because he thought he would have to give her up.
And he wasn't telling me everything, he wasn't opening up. He was also hiding serious health issues from me, which he trusted her enough to share. And now I also know that he had indeed slept with her. While I was out driving around to make sure he hadn't driven into a ditch because he was an hour late home, he was out fucking her. I died that day. Our sex life completely disappeared. I was lucky if I got to have sex once a month. God only knows what he was doing. He has "forgotten" and can't remember what he really did.
I felt so amazing that month, even in the midst of my pain. I thought that I finally had my honest husband back. Surely if he could tell me the truth about this then there was nothing else he would keep from me. I don't think I will ever feel that way again. I will always know that he has secrets from me and I will never feel connected like I did then. Not that I don't love him, I will just always feel separate.
...
Getting Fired
...
Last Chapter?
Here I am sitting in June gloom on the jetty at the harbor all by myself. How did we get to this point? So many years of pain, some fun and joy intertwined, but too much pain. I asked for this. For once, the universe has given me what I asked for... time to myself. Of all things I've asked for, this is the one I get! Time to reflect on what is more important, my love for my husband or the pain that he has caused me. It just might be coming too late. As always, I believe that God will get me to where He wants me to be one way or another, but am I complying to God's will?
I haven't written much about our marriage. I love my husband intensely. He became my everything, my entire world. I loved everything about him, even his temper tantrums, unpleasant as they were. Until the day he cheated, and the subsequent years of cheating. I just can't seem to let go. Is this a function of a mental disorder or something that is just not supposed to go away?
We had the potential to be the most amazing, magical couple. What really got in the way?
So this final blow, I went out with some friends and sent him a text where I was going. When I got there, I abandoned my purse and didn't answer when he called a few hours later. Over and over again. This is my sin... I didn't have my cell phone attached to me. For this, he hasn't spoken to me in over 24 hours, which is not a record for me. It looks like this might finally be the end of this roller coaster ride we called a marriage.
I have discovered, though, that I do still love him. I will love him for always. I just don't think it can be fixed. I can't let go.
So now I live on the boat. So far, it's not too bad. Lots of time to think, which could be good or bad. Friends are nearby and so is my paddleboard. I'll get lots of exercise. Not so much sleep though. I kept checking my phone over and over just to see if he had written or called. It won't happen, though. This is not "An Officer and a Gentleman". There is no "you complete me" in my future. No magical, romantic conclusion to this story. He doesn't know how to love me. He doesn't know that he just has to be himself, completely open and honest. Maybe that's not him. Maybe that's me and I am only loving what I wish he were, the same that he does with me. Could be that he's never really shown me the real him.
Only God knows the outcome of this story and he's not spilling the beans.
... It continues. He eventually pretended it was all over and came to visit me. We had a nice couple of days. Then he intentionally missed our therapist appointment. The next morning, I discovered that he still has a secret e-mail address and he failed to provide me with a working password. I've been doing a lot of thinking and it is just obvious that we don't meet each other's needs. I especially don't meet his. He can't trust me or be who he is with me. I am stubborn, selfish and judgemental, moody and lazy. He deserves to find someone who will finally make him truly happy and it just doesn't look like that will ever be with me.
I have decided that it is time that we divorce. It is killing me, though. It seems to be the best thing for him, he just doesn't have the courage to decide on his own. I will leave him with everything, with the stipulation that he must provide housing and health care for Precious for at least two years. By then, I will hopefully be settled in whatever the next phase of my life will be. I hate this. I continually pray to God and hope that it is His will to repair this marriage. I sorry to admit that doesn't seem to be the case.
January 1, 2011
The beginning of another chapter. This year, I have determined, will be the "goodest" year of my life, God willing. Not just the best, because best implies better than all the rest and being better than previous years could still suck. So goodest, by etymology, I assume if it were a real word, would mean the most good. So this year will be filled with good. Somehow. Good.
March 18, 2011
My new chapter has given way to yet another chapter. It appears that the man that I married has a serious issue with sex addiction. I don't know how deep it runs, whether it is just porn or if the rendezvous e-mails I found were followed up on, but my world is changing. Strangely, though, I am very calm about it. The time that I have been spending with God and searching for His will in my life has left me at peace with my discoveries. So now I spend part of each day methodically and meticulously separating 15 years of my life.
He started going back to counseling. At this point, I am not hanging my hat on any promise of reconciliation. I've been through this before and I can't expect utopia. I don't know what happens next. I don't really think about it that much. I am finally at a point where I just think about where I am in the moment.
So many questions have been answered by this little discovery. Now I know why I have never been good enough, why I can't turn him on.
If life is meant to make us long for God and his world, then at this stage in my life he has succeeded. I would welcome the coming of Christ with open arms and tears of joy. My only hesitation would be not knowing where my daughter lies in the realm of God's salvation. I wish I knew her better, but I just can't seem to find some way into who she is. That seems to be the story with everyone in my life. I know the people in my life very well, but somehow they still keep who they are a secret from me. Perhaps this is where my sense of disconnection stems. My daughter, my husband, my brother, all those around me, they hide themselves from me. I don't know that it is due to their own insecurities or if it is reflective of my own trustworthiness. I only know that I long for this more than anything... a true connection with someone at their very soul.
But how do you determine who you are? Where does who you are begin? Does it begin when you become conscience of the world? At birth? With your parents' lives before you even exist? Perhaps that's where it begins, as they are the ones that make you who you are, for better or for worse.
...
Dad's draft number was 18. Mom and Dad had only been married for a few months when it arrived. He knew he would end up in infantry since he was a mechanic, but he decided to take steps to prevent that if he could. He tried to join the Air Force, but was told he would be drafted before he could be processed. So he enlisted, but into airborne. Off he went to Basic, where he graduated top of his class. By the time he was sent to Vietnam, he was an E4. Mom moved back with Grandma and Grandpa while Dad was gone. It was a tough year for each of them in obviously different ways, but they made it through.
When Dad came home, he was anxious to expand his family. Mom was hesitant. She had helped to raise all her sisters and wasn't sure she wanted to have kids. But she did it for Dad.
They tried for a while, but eventually I was made. The pregnancy wasn't an easy one, if any can be. Mom's blood pressure went up dangerously. The hospital at the base had lost several babies to going over term, so when mom's blood pressure got too high for the doctors' comfort, they decided to induce labor. They thought I was overdue, but mom didn't seem to think so.
The labor was long and dangerous. Mom says she remembers rolling on the cart watching the lights above her. She was fairly medicated. The birth took more than a day. At some point I stopped mid birth, right in mom's pelvic area. Just stopped. The jokes are two fold. One that there was too much light for me. The drugs in my mom's system had slowed me down and I just wanted to stay in the dark and sleep. The other, that I was waiting for a large enough audience. There ended up being several teams standing by in case they had to cut through mom's pelvis to get me. Things got so scary, my dad was actually asked to formally decide who would be the priority if they thought they could only save one of us. He chose mom. She was the love of his life, how could he let her go?
I was breech and then I went back. The doctor's turned me around and pulled me out with forceps, in the process, breaking mom's tail bone. So to this day, she has a difficult time sitting very long. I guess I should take the clue that living in this world would not be easy.
That being said, my life really was never very difficult, except for that which I made difficult myself. Many friends have compared our life to Leave It To Beaver and other sitcoms where everything always turned out okay in 30 minutes.
Shortly after I arrived, it was off to Germany. Dad went first and then we followed. I have little, if any recollection of our life in Germany. What I do remember is only from stories, except for one dream I had from the balcony of our apartment in Frankfurt. That's all I remember is the balcony and the sidewalk in front of it.
Family
I suppose in order to better understand my life, I feel I should explore who my family are a little as they are a big part of who I've become. Dad was born in Los Angeles, at the time, the youngest of 5 boys. They lived near 51st and Western, an area that we probably couldn't safely visit now. By the time he was 2, though, they had left and moved back to where his parents had lived before there were children, Colorado. His brother just before him had died of meningitis and Grandma couldn't deal with being where she had lost him. By then, he also had a baby sister.
They were not well off, but they did okay. Dad decribes Grandpa as being a man of his word. If he made a promise, you can bet on it being kept. He hasn't talked of Grandma much as she was when he was a kid. Just that he liked to bring her dandelions, which became her favorite flower.
He liked to go ice skating on the frozen ponds. When he was about 6 years old, two more of his older brothers drowned in the river. He tells how he had wanted to go with them and they wouldn't take him. One of them struggled and the other drowned trying to save the first. Even after 20 years in the army, my dad never really became the greatest of swimmers.
Tragedy struck again when he was 9. My grandfather died of a heart attack in his sleep. Grandma said he was reading Shakespeare at the time. He loved Shakespeare. I can't remember what his occupation was at the time. He had been a gold miner and served in WWII in the Pacific Theater, but I'm not sure what he did then.
So all that was left was Grandma, Dad, his oldest brother and his baby sister. Such loss at such a young age. Life was not easy for them. They lived on Social Security checks and what Grandma could make as a waitress and a cook. As the boys got older, they started taking jobs to help. Dad started with a paper route, as most boys did up until this generation. Later, he began working at a gas station and also on farms. I've seen pictures of him lifting bales of hay. He was a strong boy. No wonder mom finally fell for him.
Mom's story isn't so tragic, but still not easy. She was born on a farm in Nebraska, first daughter with two older brothers. At around 4 years old, Grandma and Grandpa packed up 2 boys and 3 girls into a 1941 Chevy and headed for Colorado. Grandpa would be a miner and they would all live in a town so small I am surprised they called it a town. It consisted of three houses and a school house. The school was two rooms. Mom and her brothers were in one class. I used to wonder how the teacher managed such a range of students, but now I am learning.
It was freezing cold during the winter and they didn't have indoor plumbing until she was 12 years old. Her oldest brother died of a heart attack when he was 13, she was 10. After he died, the family didn't handle it very well and they moved into town. Grandma had befriended a pastor in town and the family started going to church. This was a pivotal place in all of our lives. My mom and her 6 siblings ended up being raised in the church and became very godly people. Something that I don't know would have happened had my uncle not died.
Mom wasn't great in school. It was boring to her and she barely squeaked out. They never really had very much money, but they were happy. Mom did a lot of chores, being the oldest. She doesn't have the greatest of memories about her mother, but many about her siblings.
She had known Dad since she had moved into town. They didn't get along very well at first. But many years later, they manage to find that they loved each other. They were married at 19 years old. They moved to a big city where Dad would get his automotive mechanic license. Mom left her job working at a law firm to go with Dad.
Soon, their world would change. Dad received his draft card... 18. He knew he would end up infantry with his training. His brother had been a lieutenant in infantry and he already knew the nightmares. So, he went in to enlist in the Air Force. They wouldn't take him. They told him by the time they processed him in, the Army would have already pulled him. So he went off to the Army and enlisted in the Airborne unit. He became a helicopter mechanic.
He graduated top of his class every time they sent him to training. Before he left for war, he was already an E4 and not long until he was a crew chief and door gunner. He was in one of those lovely units that was meant to save those who got themselves into trouble. So it was either total boredom or total action. If he was going in, it was usually into deep shit. My dad earned a distinguished cross. They were flying in to remove some troops and the helicopter below was hit. It was on flames and the pilot was stuck in his harness. Dad climbed down a rope ladder, still not sure how he avoided the rotors, and cut the pilot out. He was a pretty brave man. His helicopter was shot down a few times, once injuring his back.
We moved to Texas when I was almost 5. The only thing I remember of our first house on 19th street was the wrought iron on the front porch and walking on the rolled up carpet the day that we were moving out to our new house... the one mom and dad bought and are living in again today. Many of our nights were filled with walks around the neighborhood, through most of my childhood we went on family walks almost every night it was possible. We were actually on a walk the night that Stinker came along.
...
My little brother was my little baby. I took care of him like my own living, breathing doll. I loved him so very much, despite the fact that he wasn't a sister. I took him everywhere I went, and did everything that I did for him, too. I even took him to school in kindergarten for my show and tell (well, mom brought him). I loved being a little mommy and helped my mom out as much as I could. We had a little red wagon. I would pack it full of pillows and toys and blankets and stick my brother in it and we would go for little walks around the block. I didn't handle him growing up very well, though. He was a little spoiled and after a while, I think that I may have resented him a little.
He often did the normal things that little siblings would do, like taking things out of my room. But when I would retrieve the items, or talk with my mom about it, if a disagreement ensued, frequently I was told "I was older, I should know better." This was the beginning of my training in letting the things that I wanted go for those who were too immature to understand their inappropriate actions. A skill I have become well versed in, to my own detriment.
When Stinker was about 2, Dad found out that someone had "volunteered" him for Korea. A year away when mom and dad weren't actually doing real well with their marriage. Of course, I didn't know that then, but found out many years later. This was the only time I ever saw my dad drunk. He was furious and totally gone. It was also the only time I've seen my dad cry, really cry. At some point in the evening, he managed to punch a hole in the wall in the hallway. My parents left that hole there, just covering it up with a picture, as a reminder of what happens when you lose your temper. They didn't fix it until we had to move to Germany 6 years later.
That year that Dad was gone was hard. Mom got a job working at the church daycare. She liked it and my brother and I could go with her. My mom is a natural with kids. If God gives the gift of caregiving, my mom has it. We lived on steak fingers, macaroni and cheese, and hot dogs.
With Christmas being here, we were just talking about Christmas Eve that year, my mom and I. Mom bought Stinker a Big Wheel and then she had to put it together. I was past the Santa phase of my life, so she would come and get me to help her put a part together. My mom learned to be very independent that year and the dynamics of our family changed a bit when Dad returned.
We made cassette tapes and sent them to my dad. I never really knew if he enjoyed them or not. My Dad is so very quiet about what goes on inside of him. His emotions are always under control; he is always under control.
...
GT
...
Ronnie
We moved to Germany in sixth grade. I was so nervous. This was the first time that I had moved in 8 years. The last time I had been so little it hadn't really phased me. My first day in class I looked over and there sat Ronnie. He was this ornery, mischievous boy that had always been in detention in Texas. Even though I knew he was naughty, it was nice to recognize someone. Our friendship grew to a love/hate relationship. He would pick on me, but by seventh grade, I found myself with an enormous crush on him. I'd never had a real crush before and this was the beginning of my making a fool for a boy, a habit which I still haven't stopped. We were on the swim team together during our seventh grade school year and spent a lot of time around each other and traveling. The week of Valentine's Day, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and it was a strange week. I barely saw him at all that week, as though being my boyfriend was not something he really wanted to do. For Valentine's, I bought him a box of chocolates... I was new at this. He hadn't gotten anything and decided that his gift to me would be my first kiss. I don't even remember what it was like, just that it happened. He quickly disappeared and a day or two later, broke up with me. I spent the better part of the next year trying to get his attention in one way or another, not always conscience of what I was doing. I didn't go out of my way, but I did take any opportunity that was available to make him jealous.
...
Ninth grade is perhaps the year of my life that I was the very happiest in all of the time in my life that I can remember. It was a fabulous year. I had one or two short, short relationships with boyfriends, but beyond that it was me and about 10 girls that just hung out and had fun. No broken hearts, crushes, but no need for a connection with boys. I had so much fun that year!
In that year, we were living in Germany. It was our third year and I knew I would be going back to the States at the end of the year. Science that year was run a little differently than a traditional Science class. Each student had an independent unit that they worked on for six weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed that class that year and I think the things that I learned that year stuck better than any other year. I also had the privilege of having the second highest grade in our algebra classes of all the school... seniors included. There is also one lowlight attached to that as a boy that I had a crush on pretended to like me so that I would help him with his math... He could've just asked, but 17 year olds are stupid. Then again, I think all men are stupid when it comes to women. Anyway, I was proud of my math accomplishment.
I had been taking ballet at the DODDC (Department of Defense Dependent Center), kind of like a military YMCA for several years. Being the oldest student, I kind of ended up the "star" of the recital that year. I danced with the littlest ones, and I had a solo en pointe in a dance from Giselle. My mom helped sew the costumes and I began to looked forward to a career in ballet, even though I was short.
Our musical for the year was "Guys and Dolls", and I wasn't allowed to audition for any of the singing parts, as my teacher was going to use my dance experience in the corps. I was so dissappointed, but I relished the opportunity to dance. And then it backfired... At some point she told me that I made everyone else look bad and ended up pulling me out of most of the dance routines.
The highlight of that year was a trip to the Soviet Union. Our school took the GT (gifted and talented) students for a week trip to the Soviet Union. This was April 1988, so it was right towards the end of the Soviet Union. We had to do research on the country and had a pen pal all year that we got to spend time with when we got there. Looking back at it, as a 9th grader, I did not live that experience to the fullest, but I got a lot out of it.
We stayed at a very nice hotel with a statue outside for the cosmonauts in Moscow. Our first night there, we had caviar in our dinner. My friends started calling me Mikey, because I would eat anything. They let me try everything first figuring if I didn't like it, then it must really be bad. The food was actually really good every where that we went.
I was taken back by how stark the landscape was. It was as if the entire country was stuck in a time warp 40 years before.
We visited Red Square where people were lined up for a mile to go through Lenin's tomb. We learned that people being married that day were allowed to go to the front of the line. We stood in line for hours to go through this thing. It was so weird seeing a corpse. He looked so plastic, which later in life I learned he pretty much was at that point. It was totally freaky and weird to me that people would stand in line for hours to see this man who had been such a tyrant. But I guess they didn't really know that.
We saw some of the attractions around Moscow, the largest bell never rang, the largest canon never shot. I think one of the most impacting experiences for me was visiting the churches. In the middle of Red Square, this icon of communism, stands three churches, face to face. I remember approaching the church of the Archangel Michael. The outside was plain and sparse like most all else I had seen in the country, but the inside, that was an entirely different story. The walls were covered with paintings of people. The guide explained that each of the paintings were prayers of different people. She talked about the lengths that people were willing to go to in order to be able to worship in this country. There were no pews. These people stand through the entire service, which is typically two hours or longer. This was the first seed planted in my heart for Orthodoxy.
We took the train to Ivanova and Tblisi. In Ivanova, we visited a school where students learned English. I was introduced to their version of the boy scouts and we traded American things for Russian things (gum for postcards). In Ivanova, I got to meet my pen pal and spent the day with them.
In Tbilisi, we saw a performance of Georgian dancing that just had me mesmerized. Whatever they were doing, the women seemed to float on the stage. From a dancer's perspective, it was inspiring.
The whole time that I was in Russia, I was struck by the sweetness of the people I met. I don't know what I had expected, but all of those that I met were so kind and gentle. Of course, they were hand picked to show a good example for us, but they were of such generous spirit. That has stuck with me.
Our trip back was simple. I slept most of the way home. I was chastised by friends when I got home because it turns out Scorpion was in line behind me and on our plane, and I failed to get their autograph. Hence the beginning of my being oblivious to celebrity. My one week in the Soviet Union changed the landscape of who I became, but it didn't really take root until much later in my life. The seed had to grow and the appreciation of the experience.
...
My First "Love"
We moved from Germany to California my sophomore year of high school. It was a difficult move for me. It took me a long time to make any friends and I spent a lot of time by myself. The one salvation for me, though, was Dance Company. I was surprised to learn that there was a dance class available for PE. I hated PE and was enrolled in the dance class. Despite my insistence, the counselor put me in the beginning dance class.
The first day of class we were asked to fill out a survey on our dance experience. I had been dancing since I was 5, so I had a lot to write. When I turned it in, the teacher asked my why I was in her class. I was confused and then she told me I needed to be in her other class, for more advanced dancers. So the counselor, mom and I sat down and shuffled my schedule around so that I could take the advanced dance class.
I loved this class. We had guest choreographers and learned a lot. This was the year I was introduced to modern dance. We worked on a tour and put together an entire show that we would take around part of the state.
Because of the schedule of the tour, we were not permitted to have any speaking roles in the musical that year. It was Fame! I was on the dance team, though, for the production. This was where I met him. He was on the cast. He was very tall, almost a foot taller than me. He had dark hair, was half Thai and was very cute. This was yet another restriction, though. My dance teacher had forbidden us from dating anyone on the cast until the show was over. But we flirted, boy did we flirt.
The show was great and we all had a lot of fun. Off I went to the first cast party at a friend's house. And the show was over, so all bets were off... so I thought. I can't remember how it quite started, but he and I ended up kissing the whole night.
Then the next week when we got back to school, I got in huge trouble. Turned out he was scheduled to go with us on the tour to keep the only boy on our tour company. I didn't know and now I had to put aside my new found feelings while we headed off to another city in a couple of vans.
This was an awesome trip, but the part about the boy sucked. He wasn't my "boyfriend" and I wasn't the only one who was interested in him. This was my first experience with jealousy. He was a typical boy and open to whatever came his way. A couple of the other girls on the team took advantage of my being in a different van than him and flirted to her heart's best. I nearly got sent home as I obsessed about this boy. I had never felt like this and really didn't know how to reel it in, but my dancing and singing was infinitely more important than him and I controlled myself.
One night, I heard the boys out in the pool at the hotel with a couple of girls and I quickly got myself out there. Soon, I found myself all alone in the pool with this guy who had managed to steal my attention, kissing and holding each other. I had kissed other boys before, and even been as far as 3rd base, but this was different. In restrospect, I can't remember what it was that was so very intriguing about him, but I was hooked.
Okay, so I've just stumbled across him... and seeing his face, I can remember. He was fun and charming. He was the cutest boy in school. He was editor of the yearbook, not that that is important, but it points to his creativity and interests. Looks like that really paid off for him. He was smart. I always like smart boys. I can't honestly say that I have loved a man yet, although my husband might finally become one.
He was funny and he opened my eyes to so many things... I just loved spending time with him. Life was interesting around him.
So story continued... When we got back from our trip, we kind of played around, but there was not commitment implied for some time. I don't really remember how we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess it just kind of happened. We were together all of the time. That summer, he worked at the base PX gas station and I was a nanny. We spent a lot of time together, a lot of time at amusement parks, going to Six Flags and the Boardwalk. I was falling in love. It was a brand new feeling, not just a crush, but a real feeling.
He was kind to me and we talked all the time. We had a very physical relationship, although I held out on the last thing for a while. I remember one afternoon in his bedroom, sheets all over the floor and "I Love Lucy" playing on the TV. Somehow the conversation came up about how he would give me anything, but there was something that I wish he would take from him. "What's that?" "My virginity..." Did I? Not just then. Wow, I was only 15 years old.
School started and things were still good. I would go over to his house a lot. His mom wasn't home a lot, as I remembered. But she was a good cook. Her spaghetti with octopus and shellfish was amazing! So we could basically do whatever we wanted, although we watched a lot of TV. That year was Twin Peaks, and he was obsessed with it. With all that free time and space, it's kind of strange that I finally decided to say yes in the back seat of his Corolla. I finally decided that I loved him and that I would do this for him, for us. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. It had just been my moral convictions that had held me back. It hurt and didn't last very long. That's about all I remember. The memory of this first time is clouded by the fact that just a week later, he broke up with me. Right before my 16th birthday. This began a series of get togethers and break ups that lasted 3 years.
He did still take me out for my birthday. Took me to the Chart House and I had shrimp for the first time. I fell in love, with the shrimp. He still didn't want to be my boyfriend, but we saw each other all the time at school. Since the Dance Company had been cut by state budget cuts, I had joined the drama class, so we saw each other every day. My junior year, his senior. It was a very crazy year for me. Emotionally and otherwise.
In the drama class, I explored a whole new piece of myself. I had always been a singer, dancer, GATE student, but this new realm of who I was, the actress, was interesting and exciting. It became something of my own and not just something I was following him into. Following him, though, has led to a lot of life changing experiences that I am still grateful for today.
We spent the year getting together and breaking up again. A new girl moved to town who was a lot more like him and he would usually vacillate between the two of us. Unlike my husband, at least he had the consideration to break up with me first. If I took him back later, that was my choice. He would do romantic things with her, like dance with her in the moonlight. Things he never did with me. I hated that. I was stupid and jealous, but I usually found other boys and friends to keep me company while he was off playing with someone else. Never had sex with them, though.
I could be manipulative, though, and it sucks that it would work. I remember one particular night that year. There was a movie coming out, I can't even remember what it was going to be, but I found out he and his friends were going. I convinced a GI friend of mine and another friend to go with me. As we stood in line, our other friend decided to bail. It was quite a line and she just wasn't into it. Of course, he was there. That was the plan. After the movie, he found me and asked if my date wouldn't mind if he took me home. He's not my date, just a friend. I feel bad for having used my friend, but I'm pretty sure he was aware. I was 16, he was a GI, my dad was a 1st sargeant. Nothing was going to happen there.
We sat in the parking lot for hours talking and of course, we got back together again. Mission accomplished. It seems as though I have spent my lifetime trying to gain the attention of boys who didn't want me. All for "love". I think I'm just crazy.
He took me to prom and that was going to be a "great" night. His best friend was going to take the other girl and we were going to double date. God, was a frickin' moron! She actually ended up not going, so it was a threesome. It was their senior prom. Can you imagine how I felt when I realized that I was the third wheel on my own date?
We went to a very nice restaurant on the cliffs. It was beautiful, but there was like no food on the plate. I felt bad that he spent so much money and we kind of went away hungry. But it was fun. We did make it to the prom, but we didn't stay long. Took our pictures, danced a little and then we left, all three of us. We ended up at the beach with a bonfire and eventually it was just him and me. Finally.
By the summer, we had broken up, again. I found out that he was going to do this apprenticeship at an outdoor theatre nearby. I can't remember if I asked him if he minded or if I just applied, but we both ended up there. I know I initially did it to spend time with him, but I got so much more out of it than that. I would not trade my experience at that theatre that summer for anything. It is even worth all the pain and heartache that I might have had because of him. Back then, God still cared what I did, I still went to church, and he used that boy to change my life, to give me experiences that would mold me into who I was meant to be. I wouldn't be able to see this for nearly 15 years, though.
Of course, we got back together again. That's what our roller coaster life was like. Then he was off to college. He didn't want to be tied down to a long distance relationship at college, so break up number I've lost count. But we talked all the time. He would call me, I would call him. I sent him sexy letters with fantasies, which I never really knew if he liked or not. We had a lot of phone sex.
But I was free. I spent a lot of time with some girl friends of mine. I spent a lot of time with all the other friends I had been avoiding because my life was consumed by the boy I "loved". I had so much fun my senior year. My experience with the apprenticeship introduced me to community theatre and special education classes. I spent my nights doing community theatre, my afternoons doing rehearsals for high school drama performances and competitions, my mornings as a TA in a special education class, Sundays in church and every other free moment with someone else. I don't think I stopped to breathe that year. But I had fun!
Sometimes, he would come home for the weekend or holidays, and we would spend time together. He had asked me earlier that year to get on the pill so we didn't have to use condoms any more. He'd send me the money. Not knowing who he was doing in college, and I agreed? This is the first bit of evidence as to how stupid I am and how I gullible I can be. Of course he was honest with me, he loved me, right? Who knows, maybe he was and my reflection has been tainted by my husband.
He came home to go to my prom with me. I had high anticipations of what our night would be like. I even rented a hotel room for the night. We were at the dance about the same amount of time as the last one, maybe less.
...
Ari
...
The Year of the Vampire
My Freshman year of college was a crazy year for me. It was my first adventure out completely on my own. I didn't miss my family at all that year. I was so busy and I could come and go as I pleased. My family life with my parents had been idyllic, so I wasn't running away from anything. I just enjoyed my independence immensely. My easy upbringing, however, I don't think really prepared me for what was in store in "real life". I was dancing many, many hours a day, going to class, staying up until the dawn broke. Ari had shown up at my dorm room on the first night of school. He asked me to go with him and his friends that night, and like an idiot, I did. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could have enough control over myself to stop something that I didn't want to happen, that our summer encounter wasn't a sign of my weakness. Now, almost 20 years later, I can see that weakness is a character pattern that I definitely have.
I was cast into one of the professor's pieces for the fall as an alternate, so I went to all the rehearsals and learned all the dances. I was so naive, I think I still am. I have always loved giving massages and ended up giving more massages before each practice/performance than I could count. Each person had an injury that required a little more attention and I would help them warm up that part of their body. I was always happy then, annoyingly so. This performance was about vampires. It was set to "Epistola Sanje". I remember having to do shoulder stands forever to represent hanging from the roof. It prompted my first visit to a chiropractor, my neck was so tweaked. I loved dancing, but I was never quite good enough to actually be put into the performance, but I had so much fun.
That year was also the year that the B rated movie "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" was filmed. I had signed up with a casting company and got to be an extra in the movie. I had a lot of fun doing the different shoots. I even got to meet Luke Perry, briefly, but I was too shy to interrupt the process to respond with anything other than "hi". The worst part about the whole experience was during the filming of the prom scene, I was about to be sent to wardrobe and be given a speaking role. Without rhyme or reason, I turned completely green right in front of the director. I didn't even realize what was about to happen, so I still can't say that it was nerves. I nearly passed out and not only did I miss out on an opportunity to speak a word or two on camera, I was sent home right away.
That was also the year that the movie "Bram Stoker's Dracula" came out. Sorry, but the movie might have been the actions of the book, but did not reflect the characters in the book at all. I was greatly disappointed.
...
Michael
...
New York
...
1996. I was almost done with college and tired of having to work at places where you couldn't say the word God. I decided to apply to work at the YMCA and work with kids. I loved kids and they loved me. The interview went very well and I was hired right away. I had to go get fingerprints and drug tested, but I started right away.
I was kind of living with an ex-boyfriend of mine at the time. I was hiding from someone who was threatening me and his house was a safe place away from this predator. I still had my own apartment, but I didn't go home very often. For some strange reason, although we were acting like a couple again, I refused to be his girlfriend again. I just didn't want to be attached anymore. This turned out to be fortuitous, as I met a really cute guy that I really enjoyed flirting with at the Y. I didn't expect it to turn into anything at all. He was just fun. He was one of the dads at the Y, divorced, cute and very sexy.
I loved working at the Y. The kids were all wonderful. I had so much fun with especially the younger ones. We played games and Uno became the daily ritual. There was a pool table in the one room, and we played often.
...
The wedding day
One year after our first kiss, we were getting ready to meet at the altar. Precious was so pretty. She had picked out a dress with a huge tulle skirt and I had asked my mother-in-law to do her hair. That was a hard day for her. She did really well and smiled throughout the service. She sat with his family during the service. When we got to the hotel for the reception, she was a little ornery while we were doing our couples photos, but then she was okay. I love her so much, and have for a very long time.
...
A fabulous month
February 2006. I had just come home from my weekend of heart break with my mom, living in a hotel, unsure of what would happen next. My husband opened up. The realization of what he almost threw away changed him. He talked about his problems, personally and we talked about our problems together. I gave in to him, against my better judgement, and we had a month of amazing sex. He was attentive and passionate. He wanted me all the time. It was almost as though we were dating again. We talked all the time and I felt so connected to him. I was willing to accept the affair because it seemed as though it had finally brought back the man that I had married.
Then the phone bill came and everything changed. He hadn't stopped talking to her, not for a single second. He would weep and cry to me about how sorry he was and then send her text messages. He would tell me he had ended it and then send her a slew of texts. As I had been with my mother, he had alternated his text messages between me and her. We would have sex and while I was taking a shower, he would be texting her. When we went out to dinner on a romantic date, he would text her when I went to the bathroom. I felt, and still do, as though I were just the blow up doll he had glued her face on to. He had weeped, in my opinion, not because he thought he would have to give me up, but because he thought he would have to give her up.
And he wasn't telling me everything, he wasn't opening up. He was also hiding serious health issues from me, which he trusted her enough to share. And now I also know that he had indeed slept with her. While I was out driving around to make sure he hadn't driven into a ditch because he was an hour late home, he was out fucking her. I died that day. Our sex life completely disappeared. I was lucky if I got to have sex once a month. God only knows what he was doing. He has "forgotten" and can't remember what he really did.
I felt so amazing that month, even in the midst of my pain. I thought that I finally had my honest husband back. Surely if he could tell me the truth about this then there was nothing else he would keep from me. I don't think I will ever feel that way again. I will always know that he has secrets from me and I will never feel connected like I did then. Not that I don't love him, I will just always feel separate.
...
Getting Fired
...
Last Chapter?
Here I am sitting in June gloom on the jetty at the harbor all by myself. How did we get to this point? So many years of pain, some fun and joy intertwined, but too much pain. I asked for this. For once, the universe has given me what I asked for... time to myself. Of all things I've asked for, this is the one I get! Time to reflect on what is more important, my love for my husband or the pain that he has caused me. It just might be coming too late. As always, I believe that God will get me to where He wants me to be one way or another, but am I complying to God's will?
I haven't written much about our marriage. I love my husband intensely. He became my everything, my entire world. I loved everything about him, even his temper tantrums, unpleasant as they were. Until the day he cheated, and the subsequent years of cheating. I just can't seem to let go. Is this a function of a mental disorder or something that is just not supposed to go away?
We had the potential to be the most amazing, magical couple. What really got in the way?
So this final blow, I went out with some friends and sent him a text where I was going. When I got there, I abandoned my purse and didn't answer when he called a few hours later. Over and over again. This is my sin... I didn't have my cell phone attached to me. For this, he hasn't spoken to me in over 24 hours, which is not a record for me. It looks like this might finally be the end of this roller coaster ride we called a marriage.
I have discovered, though, that I do still love him. I will love him for always. I just don't think it can be fixed. I can't let go.
So now I live on the boat. So far, it's not too bad. Lots of time to think, which could be good or bad. Friends are nearby and so is my paddleboard. I'll get lots of exercise. Not so much sleep though. I kept checking my phone over and over just to see if he had written or called. It won't happen, though. This is not "An Officer and a Gentleman". There is no "you complete me" in my future. No magical, romantic conclusion to this story. He doesn't know how to love me. He doesn't know that he just has to be himself, completely open and honest. Maybe that's not him. Maybe that's me and I am only loving what I wish he were, the same that he does with me. Could be that he's never really shown me the real him.
Only God knows the outcome of this story and he's not spilling the beans.
... It continues. He eventually pretended it was all over and came to visit me. We had a nice couple of days. Then he intentionally missed our therapist appointment. The next morning, I discovered that he still has a secret e-mail address and he failed to provide me with a working password. I've been doing a lot of thinking and it is just obvious that we don't meet each other's needs. I especially don't meet his. He can't trust me or be who he is with me. I am stubborn, selfish and judgemental, moody and lazy. He deserves to find someone who will finally make him truly happy and it just doesn't look like that will ever be with me.
I have decided that it is time that we divorce. It is killing me, though. It seems to be the best thing for him, he just doesn't have the courage to decide on his own. I will leave him with everything, with the stipulation that he must provide housing and health care for Precious for at least two years. By then, I will hopefully be settled in whatever the next phase of my life will be. I hate this. I continually pray to God and hope that it is His will to repair this marriage. I sorry to admit that doesn't seem to be the case.
January 1, 2011
The beginning of another chapter. This year, I have determined, will be the "goodest" year of my life, God willing. Not just the best, because best implies better than all the rest and being better than previous years could still suck. So goodest, by etymology, I assume if it were a real word, would mean the most good. So this year will be filled with good. Somehow. Good.
March 18, 2011
My new chapter has given way to yet another chapter. It appears that the man that I married has a serious issue with sex addiction. I don't know how deep it runs, whether it is just porn or if the rendezvous e-mails I found were followed up on, but my world is changing. Strangely, though, I am very calm about it. The time that I have been spending with God and searching for His will in my life has left me at peace with my discoveries. So now I spend part of each day methodically and meticulously separating 15 years of my life.
He started going back to counseling. At this point, I am not hanging my hat on any promise of reconciliation. I've been through this before and I can't expect utopia. I don't know what happens next. I don't really think about it that much. I am finally at a point where I just think about where I am in the moment.
So many questions have been answered by this little discovery. Now I know why I have never been good enough, why I can't turn him on.
it has been a couple of months and i am still home. ill mail in the separation papers next week.
Friday, January 7, 2011
activity log 1/7/2011
7:15 drive to work and work. Listened to Mother Angelica on the way to work. Busy day.
12:35- Called DDESS, returning message about how to get a job in Puerto Rico. Left message.
12:35- Called DDESS, returning message about how to get a job in Puerto Rico. Left message.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
accepting fears
Trust is no longer second nature, it is a conscious choice that I have to make. I am afraid I will not always have the strength to choose it.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
thankful for...
Found myself quoting "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me" this morning. As horrendous as this experience has been, it has brought me closer to God and I suppose that for that I am thankful.
Still don't know what upset Handsome on Tuesday.
Still don't know what upset Handsome on Tuesday.
12/30/2010
I've done little to nothing today. Shaved my legs. That's about it. Last day I get to relax.
Monday, December 27, 2010
accept your fears
I am afraid that he will never love me for who I am. He is always going to be angry with me for very petty things. I accept that and will live my life to the best of my ability. I cannot spend my life trying to please him. I've tried that and it only made us both miserable. He can be miserable alone.
I am afraid we will never be happy.
I am afraid we will never be happy.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
negative thoughts
I am having the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. It is hard to celebrate the birth of Christ alone. No one around me wants to have anything to do with Jesus and I feel alone.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
anger
why are there so many horror movies?
anyway, not really angry, just jealous. I still think it sucks that he spent hours and hours texting and e-mailing sluts and I get nothing. Oh well, can't get everything I want. I'll get everything God wants.
anyway, not really angry, just jealous. I still think it sucks that he spent hours and hours texting and e-mailing sluts and I get nothing. Oh well, can't get everything I want. I'll get everything God wants.
Monday, December 20, 2010
afraid
I am still afraid that he will never find me desirable again. He gave all his passion, and mine, too, to strangers and sluts and has nothing left for me. I know he loves me, but will he ever want me again?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
12/19/2010
Today is just another day. Missed church 'cause I wasn't feeling well and overslept. It's raining, but it's kinda nice. Sitting by the fireplace watching movie previews, baking a pizza, trying to chase this cold away before it gets worse. On vacation for a couple of weeks with no money, but happy. Not much to share.
Handsome is tiling the new counter in the laundry. It looks really good. Corny metaphor but he's rebuilding both our physical and our metaphorical homes.
Handsome is tiling the new counter in the laundry. It looks really good. Corny metaphor but he's rebuilding both our physical and our metaphorical homes.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
angry
So we have a new set of neighbors next door with an infant. Not the first neighbor with a baby and not the first neighbor to have to deal with our remodeling project. But they seem to think that the world revolves around their baby's nap time. Several, several times, my Handsome has stopped working in the middle of project for their precious child's sacred nap time. This is an unusual trait for him, but I was proud of him for doing it.
Then as the floor project was coming up, I told him he needed to discuss the fact that we were not going to be able to stop during the nap time in order to complete the project. We only asked for one weekend to get this done. They told him it wouldn't be a problem.
Then construction time comes and she comes out and has a flipping fit. Like a little girls temper tantrum. We had given them a month's notice and they had acknowledged that it was fine. Handsome handled it really well.
Okay, so that's just a little annoying. I gave them the benefit of the doubt with the stress of finals and bar exams and defended them.
Then we receive a notice in the mail from the association. There's one thing being a bad neighbor, but it's an entirely different taking steps that you believe will cause financial harm to another person. It's a good thing they are both going to be lawyers because they have the ethics that go with it. They are ruthless and cruel.
This may be their home for now, but this is my home, too. The only one I will ever have, unless some miracle is to occur. I am trying to be Christian about this, but I have to admit that I am very upset. I find myself wishing bad things on them, like not being able to find a job.
But that's not right. I pray that God's will come in their lives, and I hope that he chooses to bless them for the baby's sake.
Then as the floor project was coming up, I told him he needed to discuss the fact that we were not going to be able to stop during the nap time in order to complete the project. We only asked for one weekend to get this done. They told him it wouldn't be a problem.
Then construction time comes and she comes out and has a flipping fit. Like a little girls temper tantrum. We had given them a month's notice and they had acknowledged that it was fine. Handsome handled it really well.
Okay, so that's just a little annoying. I gave them the benefit of the doubt with the stress of finals and bar exams and defended them.
Then we receive a notice in the mail from the association. There's one thing being a bad neighbor, but it's an entirely different taking steps that you believe will cause financial harm to another person. It's a good thing they are both going to be lawyers because they have the ethics that go with it. They are ruthless and cruel.
This may be their home for now, but this is my home, too. The only one I will ever have, unless some miracle is to occur. I am trying to be Christian about this, but I have to admit that I am very upset. I find myself wishing bad things on them, like not being able to find a job.
But that's not right. I pray that God's will come in their lives, and I hope that he chooses to bless them for the baby's sake.
afraid
What am I still afraid of? I am afraid that I will stop taking my medication and still be crazy. I afraid of the flood of despair returning.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
afraid
I am afraid that I will forget my new found appreciation of life and start taking things for granted again.
12/12/2010
Just hangin around in the house while Handsome puts some finishing touches on the bathroom counter. He's done a really good job. Sometime I will be able to put some pictures online. Watching "GoldenEye". Feeling good. Enjoying the day. Not really upset about anything today.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
write down what upsets you
Nothing. Today I am upset about nothing. Spent the morning laughing with good friends and I am happy. Nice to report!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
write down what upsets you
Telling someone what you plan to do far in advance so that they can plan around it and then having them intentionally get in the middle of what you are trying to get done.
Monday, November 22, 2010
write down what upsets you
There was once a time in my life where it was obvious that I believed in Love, in Truth, in God. Over time, I have taken on the anger and depression of those around me, absorbed it into my being until it became a part of me. I don't know why I allowed that to happen, but I did. It has permeated my entire being. I am trying to purge it, but is such a slow process.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
write down what upsets you
I don't have much to say at this moment that I am upset about. Church was amazing this morning. It's interesting that just when I decided to try to start a relationship with our assistant priest, I learn that he is leaving. I am happy for him. I hope he enjoys having his own parish and that he is a blessing to God's church. I am interested to get to know the new assistant priest.
I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.
Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.
The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.
I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.
I was a little sad this morning, though. My Handsome tried to persuade me stay in bed and not go to church. It was pouring and he was worried, but he wanted to cuddle, too. It was such a temptation. I tried to convince him to take me, then he wouldn't have to worry about me driving in the rain. No dice. After all that has happened, I really can't complain that he wants to spend time with me. I am truly starting to feel a deeper love towards him again. I contribute it to God, not to anything either of us has done... because neither of us has actually done what is necessary to heal on a human level. Healing is only possible with God. If it weren't for my faith, our marriage would have never been given a second, third, or twentieth chance. I continue to leave the fate of my life in His hands and pray constantly that He reveal His will to me.
Mother Angelica, on the radio the other day, stated 3 criteria in making decisions. 1) Will it bring glory to God? 2) Will it show love for your neighbor? 3) something about it being good for your own spiritual growth. So it seemed to me that God was telling me I really need to stay. I hope I am just not being lazy, but truly doing the will of God when it comes to this matter.
The way that I see it 1) Our marriage can only be healed by God, so staying would bring glory to God. Leaving would not. 2) Staying shows love for my neighbor- my Handsome. 3) Staying will help me to build my faith in God and trust in Him, although leaving might do the same, but I haven't quite figured this part out. If the first two are true, then there will be some benefit to my soul as well.
I want to be transfigured. I want to be Holy.
Monday, November 15, 2010
my dream last night
She stood in her bedroom contemplating which book she would read for the afternoon. It was a beautiful day and it would be lovely to sit in the sun and travel to another world. Then she felt his arms wrap around her, pulling her close to him. His left arm traveled across and down her silken abdomen. His right slid up inside her blouse, meandering up her chest, cupping her breast in his hand. His strong jaw leaned her head to the right and he began to nibble on her neck. Shivers of desire radiated up through her body as she felt the climbing passions rising through her. She began to feel weak. In an instant, he spun her around, clasping her hands behind her back in one hand and planted a kiss hard and deep on her mouth. He hadn't come to her with such desire in so long, she felt as though the excitement within her would explode. To be in his arms and him to want her so deeply, she thought she would lose herself completely.
She opened her eyes so that she could swim in the deep blue sea that she loved to be in. In that moment she realized this was not her husband. Swiftly she pulled her arms around, placed her forearms on his chest and pushed him away. Almost as stealthily as he had arrived, he disappeared again. She stood there in the middle of the room shocked and bewildered. It seemed as though hours went by as she just stood there like a statue trying to comprehend what had just happened.
It hadn't been her husband. It had been his best friend, someone they were allowing to stay in one of the spare bedrooms while he was down on his luck. She went to find her husband to tell him in on uncertain terms that his friend had overstayed his welcome. She stopped in her tracks. Would he believe her? He knew enough of his friend not to doubt that the part of the story she told about him would be true. But would he believe that she had nothing to do with it?
There were many things she did not know about the man she married, but this she did know- he was a jealous man and not quick to believe in her innocence. "Did you flirt with him?" he would ask. "You led him on!" he would accuse. "You did this for revenge!!" She could hear the words already exiting his mouth in disbelief and accusation. No, she would not tell him. She hated that. Honesty was so important to her, but she knew he would not accept her story.
The next weeks were strange, to say the least. Dinners were tense as the three of them sat together and she had very little to say. She avoided eye contact with their guest as much as possible. When she did slip, it seemed he was waiting for her gaze and would send her a mischievious smile. She prayed that the man whose ring she wore didn't see what was going on.
But this wasn't the worst of it. She was haunted by the feelings that he had ignited. She would find herself standing at the sink, where she was supposed to be washing dished, staring out the window entranced by the memory of his touch. If they passed, he would intentionally brush up against her, just to watch the chills it would bring to her skin. He knew he had made an impression and was enjoying the affect he had made.
She decided she would begin to try to woo her husband back to her, see if she could ignite some small flame in him for her. She had no intentions of letting this other man take from her the love that she could have with the one who still was the cause of every heart beat. She would start small, so that he would not notice a big change and wonder what had happened. She wanted to feel loved again.
She opened her eyes so that she could swim in the deep blue sea that she loved to be in. In that moment she realized this was not her husband. Swiftly she pulled her arms around, placed her forearms on his chest and pushed him away. Almost as stealthily as he had arrived, he disappeared again. She stood there in the middle of the room shocked and bewildered. It seemed as though hours went by as she just stood there like a statue trying to comprehend what had just happened.
It hadn't been her husband. It had been his best friend, someone they were allowing to stay in one of the spare bedrooms while he was down on his luck. She went to find her husband to tell him in on uncertain terms that his friend had overstayed his welcome. She stopped in her tracks. Would he believe her? He knew enough of his friend not to doubt that the part of the story she told about him would be true. But would he believe that she had nothing to do with it?
There were many things she did not know about the man she married, but this she did know- he was a jealous man and not quick to believe in her innocence. "Did you flirt with him?" he would ask. "You led him on!" he would accuse. "You did this for revenge!!" She could hear the words already exiting his mouth in disbelief and accusation. No, she would not tell him. She hated that. Honesty was so important to her, but she knew he would not accept her story.
The next weeks were strange, to say the least. Dinners were tense as the three of them sat together and she had very little to say. She avoided eye contact with their guest as much as possible. When she did slip, it seemed he was waiting for her gaze and would send her a mischievious smile. She prayed that the man whose ring she wore didn't see what was going on.
But this wasn't the worst of it. She was haunted by the feelings that he had ignited. She would find herself standing at the sink, where she was supposed to be washing dished, staring out the window entranced by the memory of his touch. If they passed, he would intentionally brush up against her, just to watch the chills it would bring to her skin. He knew he had made an impression and was enjoying the affect he had made.
She decided she would begin to try to woo her husband back to her, see if she could ignite some small flame in him for her. She had no intentions of letting this other man take from her the love that she could have with the one who still was the cause of every heart beat. She would start small, so that he would not notice a big change and wonder what had happened. She wanted to feel loved again.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
thought record
On Thursday, I decided to tell Handsome that I have forgiven him. I am leaving any necessity for consequence in the hands of God. I'm too exhausted to be his mother and responsible for whether or not he gets a spanking. Life here on this world is too short to spend my time angry and hurt all the time. I suppose my emotions will continue to fluctuate, but I will continue to give it over to God. He is the most merciful and the most wrathful. He knows all the truth, which I can never, ever know. It is very hard for me to relinquish control, to not know everything, but I am defeated in this war. It is one that I can never win. The only truth that I can ever know is the truth that is Christ. So why spend any more of my life beating us both up? I still am not sure that I consider us husband and wife. It seems as though that bond has been disintegrated, but I continue to pray every day for God's will in my life, that I grow in Christ each and every moment of my life.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
10/24/10
Didn't sleep much last night. Handsome woke me up about 1:00 am wanting to play which I never mind. Yet I ended up feeling like a blow up doll again. No kissing. No caressing. No attempt to actually turn me on. It made me feel undesirable. Pretty much everything I want to say I've already said here somewhere. I spent hours researching how to make him want me again. Then finally was able to fall asleep. Woke up late for church. Didn't feel well. Handsome brought me home a hot chocolate from Precious. We talked about church for a little bit. I took a quick shower and headed off for church. I was so happy there. I could live in a sanctuary. Left for the boat where the sun was finally out. We pulled out the dead dinghy then went for a paddle. Insecurities resurfacing. Do I just like feeling miserable?
replace negative with positive
My handsome does desire me. I am a sexy and beautiful woman that can ignite passion and desire in the man I love.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
10/23/10
Seriously, 14 years of emotional abuse is more than anyone should have to endure. I can't keep living this way. There just aren't enough meds in the world to make this bearable. I swear the day the doctor tells me I only have 3 months to live will be the happiest day of my whole fuckin life! I'm glad I didn't have kids now. How could I inflict the pain of this world on another person? I had a brief moment of peace when we took the boat out in the sun around the harbor. I find it very hard to trust in God as long as I am where I am.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
channel anger
I know I've gone longer than 13 days, but it feels as though my hell may be over. It's not that he finally did something to fix it or that I finally learned to let go and forgive. It was God. He took the pain from me. He said yes to my prayer. Forgiveness was something only He could grant.
Monday, October 11, 2010
activity log 10/11/10
7:30 PM checking calendar on phone
8:00 Watched "How I Met Your Mother" with Handsome
8:30 Read Ancestral Sin
9:00 Handsome woke me up to go to bed. I fell asleep reading as usual
6:30 AM alarm went off. I don't want to get up. So tired. Finally up at 6:45. Got dressed. Ate breakfast- Honey nut Cheerios. Kissed Handsome and off I went.
7:00 drove to work listening to Mother Angelica
7:30 Here at work. Here we go...
8:00 Watched "How I Met Your Mother" with Handsome
8:30 Read Ancestral Sin
9:00 Handsome woke me up to go to bed. I fell asleep reading as usual
6:30 AM alarm went off. I don't want to get up. So tired. Finally up at 6:45. Got dressed. Ate breakfast- Honey nut Cheerios. Kissed Handsome and off I went.
7:00 drove to work listening to Mother Angelica
7:30 Here at work. Here we go...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
activity log 10/7/2010
8:30 fast, Jesus Prayer, looking at calendar, sitting in the living room with the fireplace burning and Handsome flipping the channel
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
channel anger
I'm in this weird state of limbo that I am oddly enjoying. On Saturday, I begged and begged and begged and begged God to take away this pain. My argument that 6 years was long enough and how could I possibly be a good ambassador for Him if I was always bitter and angry. It's only been 4 days, and I've had these lulls before, but I have a feeling that this one just might stick. I want to do God's will. I want to be good at the things that I need to do. I can't do that the way that I've been feeling for so long. God answers prayers. Now my prayer is that I don't miss the pain enough to make it come back. I grew accustomed to feeling sad. But I like not hurting much more.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
activity log 10/4/2010
7:45 PM checking calendar. fasting and praying Jesus Prayer.
9:30 PM went to bed with Handsome. So tired
6:00 AM 10/5 alarm went off at 6:00. Pushed snooze til 6:30. got up and dressed, grabbed my food and drove to work.
7:30 @ work. checking calendar again.
9:30 PM went to bed with Handsome. So tired
6:00 AM 10/5 alarm went off at 6:00. Pushed snooze til 6:30. got up and dressed, grabbed my food and drove to work.
7:30 @ work. checking calendar again.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
activity log 10/3/2010
7:38 Checking calendar. Praying Jesus Prayer. Sitting with Handsome while he flips channels. Been a difficult day. I have been fine, but Handsome has been very unhappy.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
channel anger
How does he do it? Live with the secrets? It still is eating me alive and I'm not the liar. How does he live as if nothing happened? How does he just forget?
Friday, September 24, 2010
channel anger
This has not been a good week for me where it is about him. 2 days down, 1 day ok, 2 more down. Same old questions. Not quite the same depression.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
activity log 9/19/10
2:45 Hanging on the boat. Windy again so I am confined to the cabin again. Gonna check the calendar.
9/19/2010
It's been 17 days this time and still going. Orthros was a challenge but fun. Liturgy was long today with the blessing of a 40 year marriage and Sunday school. Gathered a few things to go to the boat. Please God can it not be cold?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
channel anger into writing
Well. Its been six days this time and Im still going. Its not that I dont still have unpleasant thoughts on my so called good days. The thoughts just dont linger or reoccur as often. Today I counted 30 minutes between and both went away quickly. I am not sure if it is the Celexa or God that is working but I dont feel insane.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
9/5/10
Wow. Today has been a great day. After 4 really bad brain days, I'm on a 3 day good roll. Got up and got ready for church. Out of the house a little after 8:00. I ended up getting to church really early. The narthex wasn't even set up yet. Lit a couple candles for Precious and Handsome. Decided to read my book while I waited for orthros. Shortly after it started, Fr. approached me to tell me I should join the cantors. Even more, I should sing with the choir. I read with Dean and John. I was totally nervous but I LOVED it. It was a little hard to pray when I was trying so hard not to screw up, but I managed to here and there. After orthros, I went upstairs and they had already started. I stood in the door until I could talk with Robert. Soon, one of the ladies motioned for me to come in. Nannette shared her book with me but I still knew most of the songs. It took Robert a minute to remember me, but he did. It felt good. It felt right. I didn't have any bad thoughts the whole morning. Not one. After church I called Handsome to see what he was doing. He was close to home so I headed home. We went to the storage unit and dropped off the diving stuff, picked up some of my school stuff and now we are just at home.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
channel anger into writing
The last few days have been really hard for me since Handsome went back to work. Everything is coming back up again. I'm getting more angry at myself for not being able to trust God to take care of all of this. I am so tired of these bad feelings.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
aware of anger
12 Days. After being so utterly obsessed with sex and strangers, why does he never want to have sex with me? What is wrong with me?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
8/19/10
Today has been a totally nothing day... Stayed in bed til 8:30, stayed in my jammies til 10:30. Short trip to the grocery store. Lunch. Tried the meatballs we want to make for the dinghy party. Yum. Now we've got the top down on our way to the boat. 2:30 At the boat. 2:45 Dinghy putt 4:00 Back at the boat. 4:13 Clean kitchen sink. 4:30 Took a shower. 4:45 Layed down and Handsome joined. 6:15! Woke up groggy and hungry. Going home.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
activity log 8/19/10
1:05 Just left my class where Handsome and I worked for a couple hours. Went to Arby's for lunch. Ham and cheese sandwich and a strawberry banana shake. 1:30 Off to the boat with a short stop at Total Wine for some Tattoo. And Home Depot and Party City for stuff for the weekend roundup. 3:00 Went for a paddle. It was really windy. About an hour with Handsome. 5:30 Dinghy putt with Handsome. Saw R and C. Then I drove back with my foot while the handsome one stood over me. Fun! 6:30 Leftover pasta salad for dinner. 6:50 Relaxing to music in my handsome's arms. 7:30 Sun went down. Got cold. Time to pack up and go home.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
upset
I've spent a lot of time the last 24 hours in prayer. I have truly found that the only source of peace is God. Without Him, I am a ginormous mess. A few verses in particular stuck out to me- like something about the Lord is my vindication. A suppose this means that I am supposed to trust God to take care of any punishment my husband and his lovers deserve. It is hard for me to trust Him, though. I keep thinking that He allowed the mess to happen in the first place, second place, third place, over and over again. In truth I allowed it to occur repeatedly. But if He didn't stop it in the past, what do I really have to lean on that He will stop it in the future. I am having a really time trusting God. Maybe that's one of the things that most upsets me about this whole affair. I always trusted in God and now my "Christian" husband has managed to shake my faith, something no atheist could do before. I guess Satan knows my weakness... I can't forgive and I am nowhere near as trusting as I used to think I was.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
8/11/10
Another gorgeous day in the harbor hanging on the boat. Woke up a little late and handsome was downstairs. I didn't want to get up. He came up and took a shower. When he got out I couldn't keep my hands off his naked body.
upset
I'M NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS! GOD HELP ME PLEASE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!
Monday, August 9, 2010
activity log 8/9/2010
2:08 PM Sailing into the harbor. Calm, slight wind, a few tiny sailboats in the channel, sunny, handsome at the helm.
2:38 PM Off to the grocery store for coke and ice. Called mom to let her know I'm home safe.
3:13 PM Hanging out. Gonna play some cards.
3:43 PM Snack time - handful of gum drops.
4:00 PM Packing up to go home. Del Taco on the way. Having a moment. I'll let God have it. Just gonna eat a quesadilla.
5:30 PM Nap time with Handsome!
8:15 PM Woke up. Check calendar.- Lay out exercise clothes.
8:25 PM Cuddled with Handsome for a few minutes. Go to grocery store to buy reusable water bottle, milk. Filled new water bottle- PBA free!
9:10 PM lay out clothes for tomorrow.
9:14 PM Shine kitchen sink.
9:20 PM Emptied some e-mails
9:35 PM Clean calendar a little.
10:35 PM Go to bed.
2:38 PM Off to the grocery store for coke and ice. Called mom to let her know I'm home safe.
3:13 PM Hanging out. Gonna play some cards.
3:43 PM Snack time - handful of gum drops.
4:00 PM Packing up to go home. Del Taco on the way. Having a moment. I'll let God have it. Just gonna eat a quesadilla.
5:30 PM Nap time with Handsome!
8:15 PM Woke up. Check calendar.- Lay out exercise clothes.
8:25 PM Cuddled with Handsome for a few minutes. Go to grocery store to buy reusable water bottle, milk. Filled new water bottle- PBA free!
9:10 PM lay out clothes for tomorrow.
9:14 PM Shine kitchen sink.
9:20 PM Emptied some e-mails
9:35 PM Clean calendar a little.
10:35 PM Go to bed.
8/9/10
Wow! What a beautiful day! The sun is out, the seas are calm, there is virtually no wind. It is the polar opposite of our last trip back from the island. Dropped mooring @ 6:00 am. Saw a few dolphin. Climbed back in bed for two hours when handsome woke me to see more dolphin. The whole trip has been smoothe. My mind is back in a good place. The reading for today was about the man with the huge debt that wouldn't forgive a little debt. I realized I am the man with the huge debt who is throwing my handsome into debtors prison for his little debt. Handsome took a little nap. Then a shower. I wasn't going to but decided to anyway. When I got out I decided to seduce my handsome. On the cockpit in the sun I made him a happy man. Sometimes I can still feel that pure love I had before. I made lunch for him and we've just enjoyed the beautiful ride home. Just a few minutes to go...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
upset
Well I made it 6 days with only a few blips here and there that shook off pretty easily. Then somehow I started running into triggers... songs, caravaning, him making no approach to make love to me in 2 weeks. I'm hoping I'm just tired. How does a man utterly obsessed with sex not hardly ever want me? Am I that unappealing? Did he waste the last of our available sex life on sluts?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
stress journal
This morning was crazy. Had to switch moorings and get going to take the little boat back.
Friday, August 6, 2010
8/6/10
Beautiful sunny afternoon. Day 4 at the isthmus. Our friends all left this morning. This has been a fabulous vacation. The water has been too cold to play in, but I have been happy on this trip. Very few negative thoughts and the ones that do come shake off easily. I have been enjoying my time with handsome. I can feel the love returning. We all went through the cave yesterday. That was fun. Hanging out on the beach and relaxing with friends. This morning I woke to the yummy smell of biscuits baking. Bacon, eggs and biscuits. Read a book. Went for a paddle and saw some garibaldi. Now we're just hanging on the boat relaxing.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
stress journal
Went to use the computer this morning and no internet. So I started setting up the new DSLExtreme modem. Got to step 1b and realized we have to buy a router. Then I called AT&T and the service had already been cancelled. I have spent 2:20 minutes on the phone trying to get this thing working. Finally working, but we have to sit plugged in, a minor inconvenience I suppose. But I can feel the stress and it surfaces memories and thoughts that I don't want to deal with about him. Why couldn't he just have loved me? Whatever. I suppose my broken heart has made me closer to God than perhaps I have ever been. I guess in that sense, I should almost be grateful for him almost literally driving me insane.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
upset
Dealing with a nasty case of food poisoning. I haven't thrown up like that in years. Now Handsome has the day off and I can't even spend it with him. I'm thinking that God knows his heart and his mind and I am just going to trust in God to reveal to me the truth as he sees it and deal with any punishment that my husband receives on His terms. I have enough problems in this world dealing with myself to be concerned with my husband's faults. I am committed to letting God lead my life from now on... whatever the path.
Friday, July 16, 2010
7/16/10 cont 3
ing my waiting roommate. Finally a dinghy putt. Visited a few friends. Came back and geared up for a paddle. It was windy. WOW what a workout! Caught myself having an imaginary conversation with an imaginary Handsome. "So yesterday you said you wanted me to be happy, right? You can help with that. STOP CHEATING! No more porn or sexting or romantic chats with non-me people. No sex life in real life or virtual and I PROMISE I'll be happy. That doesn't mean hide it even better. Just don't do it." I managed to push that aside and enjoy the workout. I haven't had any side effects from the meds today. No dizziness or fast heart beat. We went and finally got a new spark plug and got the generator to work. Making dinner now. Chicken alfredo. Yum. Hard to believe alfredo used to make me gag.
7/16/10 cont 2
sun felt so good. Handsome arrived. I happened to go downstairs when he was changing into his bathing suit. Suddenly I was touching him. I just had to touch him. I forgot about everything and just ran my hands all over his naked body. Kissing him all over. He responded and before you know it we were having sex. Okay now back to work and nap time. Our best friends' granddaughter called asking to borrow the paddleboards. Of course. Handsome had to go find a spark plug for the new generator and I asked him to pick up lunch. The girls got here about 1:00. When H got back, we shared a sub and tried to take the dinghy out. But just as we rounded the corner, the girls were headed back. Had to let them out. Tried to take the dinghy out again, but same place around the corner we saw the neighbor coming in. "Did I leave the paddle on their dock?" I asked. Whipped the dinghy around and managed to just get the paddle out of the way. HOT. The pavement was hot. I ran down the dock and literally jumped in the boat, surpris
7/16/10 cont
asked me to join him for a breakfast burrito. It was nice being where we used to go when I was still the only lover he needed, at least as far as I know. We played Uno and chatted. It almost felt normal. I decided this might be a good time to tell him about the celexa. I hadn't started it yet. I should be honest and up front if that's what I expect from him. He was better about it than I thought he'd be. Asked about the side effects but that was all. I explained that although being sad was normal, perseverating the way I do was not. I had plans to meet Christine at the boat and wanted to get to the harbor before I took my medicine. It says not to drive with it til you know how it will affect you. So we went home so I could get going. He'd come down later. Just about the time I got here I got a text from Christine that she couldn't make it. Not a problem. I finished getting the boards ready to go and prepared to go out alone. Went out for a little bit then came back and took a nap on the cockpit. Oh the sun
7/16/10
6 am wake up call. Handsome wanted me to go to the dr. with him. He hurt his wrist at work and thought he'd end up with the day off since he can't restrain anyone. I napped in the truck while I waited. About 30 minutes in, I got a text asking for some juice. I went to Stater Brothers. Gave me something to do. Kept thinking about what made him change his mind. Yesterday he was ready to divorce me asap. Anyway, bought 2 little bottles of OJ. Walked into the clinic carrying the juice, "My husband is in one of your exam rooms about to have an insulin reaction." She found him and he was definitely going down. He drank the juice. I asked if he wanted me to stay but he said no. But he asked for a kiss and a hug. First hug I've given him in weeks. How does he do that? Just forget that I was nearly on my way to Texas just yesterday? He was done a few minutes later, out with a wrist brace, therapy appointments, and a good chance of not working for two weeks. Had to go find a fax machine to send in the docs orders. He
Monday, July 12, 2010
upset
Well I suppose I am finally coming to terms with the reality of my life. I just am not married. Only God and Handsome know how long and if I ever really was. It's time I accept the truth.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
anger
How am I supposed to ever trust him? He's lied about so many things, kept so many secrets. He can't be real with me. I don't even know who he really is.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
channel anger into writing
I've been working today on not being angry. Asking God for his will and grace to not be mad. I just don't know if it's too late. Has there been too much to overcome? Nothing is impossible with God, but I really have a hard time believing that God's will can overcome mine or my husbands. We've made such a mess of our life, of our love.
I'm afraid of forgetting the love that I have felt for him. I forgotten the other loves that I've had. This one was so intense, I don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of being in love with my Handsome. All I keep doing is pray that God's will be done and that I have the peace to accept it.
I'm afraid of forgetting the love that I have felt for him. I forgotten the other loves that I've had. This one was so intense, I don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of being in love with my Handsome. All I keep doing is pray that God's will be done and that I have the peace to accept it.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
activity log 7/6/2010
7:30 pm watching Deadliest Catch with Handsome wondering if we're ever going to talk about the mess our marriage is in while every inch of my body aches from PMS.
good things
One of the good things about me is that I have faith in God (even when I don't). I just don't have patience.
Monday, July 5, 2010
be aware of your anger
I've been doing a lot of thinking this week after all the events and activities. I've come to the conclusion that there is a very good possibility that I have never, ever actually been married. How do I know when this all began? I talked about how I don't feel as though I am married now, that the commitment that exists between us is null. When given the opportunity to think about when the lack of commitment started, I keep going backwards. Unfortunately, since he's not spilling the beans, he is forced to compete with the story that my brain has concocted. Was it January 2005? Or maybe when he was on disability the year before? Perhaps that bottle of vodka that he delivered down the street to the girl he carpooled with that I had no idea he was carpooling with, maybe already then? Or maybe when he was on administrative leave? How did he fill his spare time then? Was it as far back as 2000 when Precious said she say dad on porn sites while I was at Grandma's funeral?
Who knows and does it even matter anymore? If this marriage is dead and over, he doesn't owe me any explanations or apologies or anything else.
So, I've developed a plan for what I will accept for reconciliation and I'll talk with one of my counselors with it. I don't want this marriage to be over. I do truly love him so very much, but if it's already dead, I can't resurrect it on my own.
Who knows and does it even matter anymore? If this marriage is dead and over, he doesn't owe me any explanations or apologies or anything else.
So, I've developed a plan for what I will accept for reconciliation and I'll talk with one of my counselors with it. I don't want this marriage to be over. I do truly love him so very much, but if it's already dead, I can't resurrect it on my own.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
activity log 7/3/10
2:40 Crawled into the aft cabin. I'm so tired. 3:14 Couldn't sleep. Got up to pee and get a glass of water. Found Handsome in his underwear in thd galley. I'm drinking my water and eating pretzels. He decided to crawl into bed. 3:25 Going for a walk. Handsome went with me. 4:29 Read my book.
7/3/10
Early morning waking up on the couch. I didn't need to be up til 6:30 but was awake when the alarm went off. Got my stuff together and woke the man I live with to let him know I was leaving. He was barely awake and totally confused. I wanted to just crawl up close to him and kiss him and hold him. But I can't do it. He's not my husband anymore. A marriage is two people commit to being sexually exclusive with each other and he just can't or won't do that. Even if it is only virtual cheating now, he knows how I feel and obviously doesn't care. Drove to the harbor to meet Tracy. We had breakfast, walked and talked. It was nice. When I got to the harbor he was here getting things ready for the fourth. That took a while. He washed the cockpit and the bbq, put up the easy up and a few other things. He even hung a hammock for me from which I now sit writing this. Took a little break for lunch at Subway with C and M. By the way, my throat hurts and I think I've caught Precious' cold.
upset
Haven't touched him or slept in the same bed with him since Wednesday. He hasn't even tried to talk about it. I can't seem to bring it up myself.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
anger into writing
Well, after missing last nights appointment I had a bug to check his phone and sure enough he's got a secret email address. I am now officially done!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
PISSED OFF!
Well, its after 6 and he's not home nor did he reschedule our appointment. He's known about this for a month. There is no excuse for this.
upset
Write down what upsets you...
Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.
Had a few moments of flashbacks during church today, but other than that, I'm doing okay today. Meeting with the Dr. tonight. Hopefully Handsome will make it this time.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
6/27/10
Woke up a few times, but finally got up a little after 8. I got dressed for church and rebooted the laundry. Handsome was making biscuits and gravy. Perfect. Skipped it and off I went. Today I was taking communion for the 1st time in years. I kept praying it wouldn't kill me. I decided to go to the mission church. On the drive down, I listened to Catholic mass. "I guess this can sub for missing Orthros today," I thought. It was a nice service and God didn't strike me down for approaching him unworthy. I want so much to be healed. Then I went to the boat and I'm reading The Art of Prayer from Igumen Chariton of Valamo after reading a little booklet about prayer. I'm still on the intro. We stopped and went to Chronic. He's been hanging pictures and working on little projects. I have a bit of a sense of peace. I need to remember that I need God.
thoughts
Perhaps I've been looking @ this all from the wrong angle. We keep looking at how he can make me happy, trust him, turn me on, generally all about me. But I've never tried to leave this relationship. I've never threatened divorce or had an affair. I am much easier to satisfy than he thinks. I have loved him despite his flaws. No more than that, I have loved his flaws. The question is not can he make me love and trust him again, but has he ever really loved and trusted me? And can he ever? He deserves to be with someone who sets his soul on fire, who consumes him so much that there is no room for another. If I don't ignite passion in him, no flames just as who I am, then I am the wrong girl for him. He is wasting time with me, settling. I know that his unhappiness comes from inside him and I am not to blame for it, but happiness and love should not be so much work. If it's right, it should be a natural occurence. Not easy, but natural.
Friday, June 25, 2010
upset
I remember a night when he didn't answer his texts or cell phone. He accuses me of ignoring his calls because that's exactly what he does, ignore my calls. He was late, really late from work. I called his work and he had left on time. I called, texted, no answer. I even went out driving to look for him in case he had pulled over with an insulin reaction or something. He eventually called me while I was driving around the city looking for him, about to call the hospitals.
4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.
4 years later I find out where he was... fucking somebody else.
6/25/10
Woke up @ 7:30 this morning to take the Jeep in for an oil change. Handsome was in the shower. When he got out, I went up to remind him where I was going since he never remembers what I tell him. He was shaving. I told him to lay out what he wanted for the boat this weekend so he could come down right after work. He informed me he's not coming to the boat. You see, I went to a friend's house last night for the hot tub, some vodka, and some girl talk. I texted him where I was going but he still called. . . 16 times and my friend! I didn't answer. We were busy. So now he's pissed and he's going to punish himself by not going to the raft up. He's not texting or calling me, but that could just be a normal day. He only communicates with sluts and perverts with any frequency and I'm not either. Jeep needs rear brakes. Got the internet to work in the harbor but not on the boat. Gotta walk over the bridge.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
channel anger into writing
Chore @ 8 am this morning was to be in the now. Ive done pretty good with shaking off the few thoughts ive had today. Right now im hanging on a sunsoaked cockpit listening to 80s music all by myself with a fridge full of healthy food. Whats to be angry about?
6/23/2010
Haven't done much today. Handsome and I had a tiny little conversation about how he convince me to fall in love with him again. Why can't I resist his cute face?
Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.
Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.
Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.
Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.
In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42
Got up about 8:00, took a shower and got dressed. Spent some time looking for healthy food to eat and landed at Kraft.com. Went to the grocery store and made a yummy salad.
Checked in at work. Can't get into my classroom until Monday. Made an appointment with the director.
Spent a little time with my family tree stuff.
Journal Reflection March 22, 2004, 1:39
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the glory forever. Amen.
In fact, Christ is risen from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. Death has been swallowed up in victory. Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15.20, 54, 57 1:42
upset
write about what makes me upset. For today is just about today, so nothing has upset me today. Nothing to write.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
channel anger into writing
I've been writing about this off and on, but it just doesn't seem like I am ever going to be able to let go of my husband's infidelity. I don't even know what to forgive. For all I know he's been cheating for the entire 14 years. There's no way for me to know otherwise. I want to be done. But I also feel that since he is trying, I owe it to him to keep trying. I think that a trial separation for a year should be the next step. I'll either miss him so much I won't care who he fucked or how he lied or I'll be completely comfortable without him. We'll talk about it next week, if he doesn't schedule overtime again. This life that we are living is not fair to either of us. If it takes 5 years to get over one affair, and I don't believe there is only one, who wants to live their life that way? This is miserable for both of us. I'm not even sure if I still love him. I don't remember what love feels like anymore. I don't feel anything any more and if I do, it is only pain. If I care about him at all, I will let him go. Let him find someone who can love him the way that he deserves to be loved. He is a good man. We have never been truly happy together. It is about time we stop beating the proverbial dead horse.
activity log 6/22/2010
2:20 pm checking calendar
Talked with Tracy.
Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.
6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!
6:26 multivitamin
Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.
Talked with Tracy.
Did lots of cleaning stuff- cleaned the stove top, toaster, turned and stripped the bed, swept the floor, washed the sheets, did a load of delicates, dealt with cable not working, dusted beds, furniture, and ceiling fan in dining room, changed the filter in the heater.
6:00 ate some green beans.
6:20 Handsome called and said he was coming home early... get this... I got excited! I am such a freaking mess!
6:26 multivitamin
Went for Italian with Precious and Handsome. Calamari and pizza. Then we went to buy her shoe inserts for her new job at the coffee shop. Very cool, we went for a walk together, just like when we were all young and spent time as a family. Now Handsome and I are watching Deadliest Catch.
6/22/2010
Woke up around 8:00 am. lazy day today. Haven't done very much at all. Spent lots of time looking for a job in casting. I am really hungry for my handsome and yet I don't want him either. He doesn't need me. Of course not. All that time that he was screwing around and we weren't having sex, I was the only one not having sex. He hasn't been denied anything of his desires.
If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.
I've just been rejected too much to get over.
Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.
Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9
When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......
If I leave, he owes me nothing. No answers to my question, no desire, no sex. I might not be happy, but he's already proven that I am forgettable and that he can love someone else. I am being selfish expecting him to live with someone who doesn't want him. I mean, it's not that I don't want him. I just don't care. He deserves to have someone who loves him with the depth and intensity that I used to.
I've just been rejected too much to get over.
Journal review- 3/21/2004
O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely on Your Holy will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul and the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In all my words and deeds guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of this coming day will all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray You Yourself in me. Amen.
Have unit of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse. On the contrary, repay with a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9
When I prayed this prayer and wrote this verse, my husband was already falling apart. Who knows where he was already in our marriage. Within months, there is documentation that he was dating online. Was our marriage already dead way back here? I don't know how to hear God. I have never known how to hear God. How do you know if you are living in His will or not? There is no concrete proof or rules. A parent tells their child what is right and wrong and why. They guide them. God leaves too much to interpretation. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do......
Monday, June 21, 2010
6/21/10
Beautiful day! Summer is here. Woke up with Handsome still not feeling well so no run. Fine by me. Stayed in bed til after 9. Couldn't get in the bathroom til Precious left for work. A shower and some makeup and off to turn in apps. Went to look for internet connection then Lakeshore for a few things. Now I'm hanging on the boat trying to decide my future. Doesn't he deserve someone who loves him deeply? 4 more years until I can trust him again, except that I don't believe it was only one affair. What kind of life is that for him? He's already shown that he is able to forget me and be happy with someone else. Shouldn't I give him the opportunity to be happy?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
activity log 6/20/10
12:40 start log. Hanging on the boat waiting for Precious. Feeling nothing. He deserves to have someone who loves him the way I used to. This wanting to be gone feeling isn't fair to him. Check calendar.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
aware of anger
He flinched when I kissed his cheek. I know he said he didn't feel well, but flinching?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
activity log 6/17/2010
7:25 pm start log, flipping channels, totally relaxed and content. Handsome is working late again. Check calendar.
looked for ballet tickets
7:30 laid out clothes for tomorrow, made lunch for tomorrow at the boat with the girls. Pasta salad. I am enjoying my time by myself way too much. It really makes me question if I'm still in love. I remember when my every thought and topic of conversation was consumed with him. Ever since I've learned that he can forget me, I seem to be able to forget him, too. I don't want to date. I have never intentionally dated. I don't want to. I just want to feel butterflies again.
8:57 check calendar. Be aware of anger
9:00 Burn Notice is on. Check account balances.
9:08 check calendar
looked for ballet tickets
7:30 laid out clothes for tomorrow, made lunch for tomorrow at the boat with the girls. Pasta salad. I am enjoying my time by myself way too much. It really makes me question if I'm still in love. I remember when my every thought and topic of conversation was consumed with him. Ever since I've learned that he can forget me, I seem to be able to forget him, too. I don't want to date. I have never intentionally dated. I don't want to. I just want to feel butterflies again.
8:57 check calendar. Be aware of anger
9:00 Burn Notice is on. Check account balances.
9:08 check calendar
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
6/16/10 cont
stupid brain. Why does a perfectly nice day have to be destroyed with thoughts and questions that will never get answered. Nothing excites me anymore. I don't give a damn about anything. There is no life left. Only existence. Precious' notion that we cease to exist after death sounds so nice. The walk there and back took 45 minutes. I had a little bit of fun putting on the hose clamps with Handsome. He decided we should go for a sail. Wow was it stressful. But we didn't give up. Out for about 2 hours. Stuff we forgot to stow was all over. Sittin in the sun after a veggie delight. Finally relaxation.
6/16/10
2:00 PM taking the sailboat out for the 1st time since the island. It is nice & sunny, flat with just a little breeze. Red tide is in. It looks awful through polarized sunglasses. The morning started out nice. I woke up before 6am but rolled back over. Alarm went off @ 6 to start our new workout program. I was happily relieved when he told me we could walk later since he took the day off. Back to sleep cuddled up close. After a little playtime ; ). We woke up again around 8:30. Had to get breakfast but first a couple more rolls of the dice in our game. We had yummy strawberry blintzes. Vacation is not going to be good for losing weight. On the way to the harbor I had him take me to Ross to buy the hairspray I was supposed to buy a year ago. Did a little extra shopping then his sugar dropped... Dairy Queen at 10:30 in the morning. Short stop at West Marine for hose clamps for the packing box. When we got to the boat they were too big. Decided we'd walk back to West Marine. It was a nice walk except for my
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
activity log 6/14/2010
7:18 pm sitting on the couch flipping channels, despairing a little. Handsome at the boat drying out the packing box. I'm happy by myself. Checking calendar.
8:45 forgot to log. I vacuumed the couch, shined the kitchen sink, put away the laundry, Handsome came home and I went to take a bath. I was glad that he came home. He touched me and it felt good. He drew me a picture of the hose clamps that need to be replaced. Sitting in his T-shirt about to check the calendar again... not wishing he would go away and leave me alone. I may never be blissful again, our marriage may never be magical, but I have moments of contentment.
8:54 Be aware of your anger. I am very in tune with the anger that I still hold inside. The only thing that seems to truly relieve this feeling is spending time with God. The funny thing is that He makes me feel better even though I hate Him for letting all this mess happen. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and yet he let my husband shred every dream I ever had into a million tiny unfixable pieces. Hence the juxtaposition of love and hate.
8:45 forgot to log. I vacuumed the couch, shined the kitchen sink, put away the laundry, Handsome came home and I went to take a bath. I was glad that he came home. He touched me and it felt good. He drew me a picture of the hose clamps that need to be replaced. Sitting in his T-shirt about to check the calendar again... not wishing he would go away and leave me alone. I may never be blissful again, our marriage may never be magical, but I have moments of contentment.
8:54 Be aware of your anger. I am very in tune with the anger that I still hold inside. The only thing that seems to truly relieve this feeling is spending time with God. The funny thing is that He makes me feel better even though I hate Him for letting all this mess happen. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me and yet he let my husband shred every dream I ever had into a million tiny unfixable pieces. Hence the juxtaposition of love and hate.
From "My Life in Christ” by St. John of Kronstadt (1829-1908)
(from pages 510-511)
The heavenly Father so greatly cares for me, for my life, my salvation, that He did not spare even His only-begotten Son, but sent Him into the world to suffer and die, and feeds me with His Body and Blood. Is it possible, then, that He should not care for me in less important things, and should deprive me and mine of sufficient means of subsistence? This has not happened until now, and shall not be. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God , and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” 1 “The very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore.” 2
My life is the infinite Lord, Which Is, the Almighty; I am wholly absorbed in this life. “Who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” 3 I am ever before the face of God; I am ever in God, and He in me. Shall I put my trust in food, drink, or money, or in any man? Should I not then be blind? In truth, God is my hope. He is everything to me.
I1St. Matthew 6:33. 2St. Matthew 10:30-31. 3Ephesians 4:6.
(From “My Life in Christ: Or Moments of Spiritual Serenity and Contemplation, or Reverent Feeling, of Earnest Self-Amendment, and of Peace in God: Extracts from the Diary of St. John of Kronstadt (Archpriest John Iliytch Sergieff)”. Translated, with the Author’s sanction, from the Fourth and Supplemented Edition by E.E. Goulaeff, St. Petersburg . Originally printed by Cassell and Company, Limited. London , Paris & Melbourne . 1897. Reprinted with the blessings of His Grace Laurus, Archbishop of Syracuse and Holy Trinity Monastery: Holy Trinity Monastery, Printshop of St. John of Pochaev, Jordanville , New York , U.S.A. 1984)
9:00 check the schedule again
9:03 balance checking accounts
9:10 check schedule
9:20 organize messes
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